I thought that one day, if I had a job with purpose, and someone to love me, I’d feel whole. But instead, at this moment in time, I feel completely, hopelessly lost.
I miss the girl with a creative spark, and time to invest in self-development. I miss spending weeknight evenings with friends and looking forward to the most mundane office catch ups. I miss wandering on my lunch break with my playlists for company. I miss writing, and wondering, and having time to myself. Time to watch bad tv with my parents. Time to notice the comforting crunch of autumn.
I miss feeling hopeful about the future and the possibility of love. I miss the girl who daydreamed and wouldn’t settle for half-hearted conversations. The girl who defiantly stood up for what she believed in, without a shake in her voice. I miss the restless intensity of becoming and searching.
I feel like I have been thrust into the midst of everything I was striving for, yet it doesn’t look anywhere near as shiny or promising as I imagined. It feels like trying on clothes that are too small, not quite right, just not how they looked on the picture.
I don’t know where to go from here. I just hope that these feelings are fleeting. I hope that it all makes sense.