AT A CROSSROADS
1st word post of 2026 and I'm feeling so many things....
Doesn't help either that it feels like the world is on fire, thanks to the Trump administration and their consistent, evil bullshit towards society. 😡
For starters, I've been having emotional issues for months with the DOMINUS project--and they're things that seem to get worse, as time goes on. Not only am I dealing with feelings of perfectionism and emotional paralysis but, thanks to me being an intellectual who thinks too much, I'm also trying to come to grips with some of my fetishes in general.
Certain things that turns me on lies on that thin line between what's acceptable and unacceptable to me and my brain can't help but to make shit deeper than it needs to be. I get turned on by alphas/cashmasters/dominant, muscular men acting aggressive, violent and/or homophobic towards their "slaves" and "f*gs* and it keeps reminding me of the very behavior certain men should stop exhibiting in real life--and I end up feeling guilty as hell that what is obviously consensual sex work mirrors real life horrors, for many people in my community. It doesn't really happen with other fetishes of mine but it specifically does for the more sadistic and humiliation-based stuff--and I can't stop wondering if that certain part of myself is due to my brain compartmentalizing my past traumas into something that brings pleasure instead of pain. Honestly, who knows, at this point, considering how insanely complex sexuality and the human brain itself are. One thing for certain is that, no matter how much I try to distance myself from those sexual feelings, they always return.
I guess it's just me psyching myself out too much. I keep thinking too much instead of making actions towards things and because of that, my art has been on a big standstill for several months (apart from some sketches here and there). Honestly, if it wasn't for me being such a virgin with every aspect of real life sex and romance, I probably wouldn't feel as bad as I do half the time...but maybe I'm just being too hard on myself.
My current plan for 2026 is to take a bit of a backseat and focus more on figure drawing and practicing anatomy--but also, just to live life more and to experience more new things for myself with other gays. Apart from that, don't know at all what to do with DOMINUS. A part of me wants to keep it going--but with so much going on (especially financially and politically) my motivation feels so drained, diluted and divided.
All I can do, though, is keep trying...and keep hope alive--but do it at a comfortable pace that I can handle. As an artist that wants to do the best he can while he's living, I want to listen to myself and what truly moves me.
So, wish me luck, y'all. :/
