[eatshit124720]

yet again, here i am, thanking the universe i refused to let my fears get the best of me.

[eatshit124720]

“he feels like all the love I’ve ever put out into the world, returned to me in human form.”

[eatshit124720]

pls let me just be a beautiful butterfly kickin’ it on a hydrangea in my next life.

[eatshit124720]

[eatshit124720]

realizing now that the last birthday i’d ever spend with both my parents, was my 18th—a fucking decade ago, already..

[eatshit124720]

“grief is a bleeding hand

holding a stem full of thorns

being told to focus on the rose.”

— sara rian

[weltenwellen]

Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous

[luthienne]

Mary Oliver, from Swan; "More Evidence"

[Text ID: Refuse all cooperation with the heart's death.]

[numberninetyreprised]

against all odds, i continue to make my life very beautiful

[pollyssecretlibrary]

“Every woman is the architect of her own fortune”

The Miniaturist, Part One (BBC 2017)

[eatshit124720]

[eatshit124720]

“no matter how hard i try,

i cannot stop reflecting.

no matter how hard i try,

some piece of me is always

forced to remain hidden.

no matter how hard i try,

i’m still isolated by my

own face & phases.”

[eatshit124720]

i just really can’t get over the universe, lately. for a solid year, i’m patiently waiting to stumble upon a dude to compliment my life again, right? and i am content in this waiting, though i didn’t have a clue who or what i was waiting for. i put in effort where it felt due and let the chips fall where they may. but i grew tired of all the odds stacked against me. so i gave up. and just as i did, i was given all i had asked for; this carefree mystic to explore. or relearn. i’m not sure. our time that came before was so short. and at my hand; can you believe that? he’s the only one i’ve ever hurt. and here i am, presented with the second chance. his soul is sweet. i was always sorry to have pushed it away. something in his eyes. a softness i’ve yet to know. a blooming rose i was too afraid to touch. thought i spent the last eight years bleeding, no good reason, but i have reached a conclusion: every scar my body is forced to hold was worth the moment. my soul aches for the fate my past selves have seen and still i cherish it entirely. i mean, how could the light have touched me if i’d never broken open? but still, if i sit here long enough, lonely with the weight of only my own light on me, it shifts. turns blood dancing down from hip bones again. my finest form of destruction has always been just spilling onto self —

[eatshit124720]

“chillen at overlook right now on (probably) one of the last decent days of the year. it’s about 50° & there are still trees with leaves and the colors are mezmerizing, even on a cloudy day. i work at 4pm today and just really needed some time to myself somewhere i am happy. i was gonna hit the rez but when i got there, something told me to come here instead. something about the view grounds me. reminds me of how insignificant i really am. frees me. something about the trees, too. the show they put on before a renew. reminds me it’s okay to succumb; to lose everything that no longer serves me. that i’ll come out the otherside in due time looking brighter & beautiful as ever. i am trying to learn how to let go, gracefully, the way the trees do. all in due time. all in due time. my intentions today are that i’m growing at a divine pace. that i’m right where i should be. that i’m reaching out for what’s meant for me & my highest good. that it’s reaching out for me, too. that i will release fear & attachments. that i am grateful to be here on this quest of finding my true self & my purpose. & so it is. sometimes, i still catch myself wishing that i was different. that i didn’t think about everything so damn much. that i didn’t feel so damn much. but this is who i am. who i’ve always been. i have a sharp mind & a soft heart & i’ve been gifted these things for a damn good reason. and one day, i will find it. until that day, i will be my own reason. and i will thank the universe relentlessly for giving something so beautiful to me. life is strange, but i’ve realized.. there’s no figuring it out until you’ve got yourself figured out. so that’s exactly what i’m going to do.”

— journal entry from november 5th, 2017

[8-bitstories-deactivated2020062]

[eatshit124720]

“i worried about her, she worried about me, & in that way, we kept one another alive.

another unspoken truce—this time, a promise—‘i won’t give up & try to die’.

a promise not to leave the other behind.

she broke that promise this morning

& i still can’t fucking believe it.”

— 1:44pm sunday, august 8th, 2021.

[eatshit124720]

sometimes i wonder if the worst part of you being gone is how you left. i know you didn’t truly want to leave. not until our angels greeted you, at least. in my mind, they begged you to come back home. but you said, ‘i’ll see them again, someday’. no. you didn’t want to leave us. had you been able to make that decision consciously, it would’ve been done a long time ago. i know this. but you still, somehow, dug your own grave. forced us to plan your funeral. & that’s another aspect of this lifelong loneliness you’ve cursed me with—‘no, my sister didn’t kill herself. but she kind of did.’

[eatshit124720]

the definition of sacrifice is the destruction or surrender of some thing for the sake of something else so i don’t blame you for being worried about my willingness to wander into the thick of this the definition of a favor is an act of kindness beyond what is due or usual so i guess i can no longer ask myself what the fuck it is that i’ve been doing here the definition of premonition is the anticipation of an event without conscious reason but it can also mean previous notice or warning so it’s no wonder i can’t count on my own hands anymore how many times i’ve already dreamt them up empty the only time i wake up crying is when they’re covered in blood and i can’t be sure if it’s only mine so if you didn’t know, the definition of bravery is the quality of having the mental and moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulties and if you didn’t know, the definition of a sacrifice can also be the act of offering something precious to a deity