It’s been years since I officially wrote an entry for the blog. Writing has been a secret passion of mine, as I am not that really great at expressing myself through spoken words. I think I stopped because I got anxious of others judging me for writing over trivial topics, sentences with grammatical errors and other make-up stories they come up. While doing this has shielded me from the world’s harsh reality, I found myself confined in a unbreathable room and only to lost my voice and confidence to tell stories. Stories that are dear to me, even for that particular moment.
This entry is sort of a catch-up and a review of what I’ve been doing for the past 3 (or 4) years. I guess this me demanding myself accountable of the lost time and opportunities that passed.
2017 — The Good and the Bad
My confidence was compromised. Early that year, I got rejected on my US VISA application. My first attempt in love did not went as expected and some of my important things were stolen from me during the christmas season. Some good things happened throughout the year — mostly travelled related. I did a solo cross-country travel in the Indochina region, and first outside country with friends.
The accidents from the previous year left me in a wreck. I thought I lost my job. I still remember it was a morning of January, I was in the beach thinking what should I do in life. As much as I was traumatized, I know I should carry on with life. I slowly picked up myself, started to focus on the things that matter. Great and important things happened this year, my first solo travel to Taiwan. I lived the American dream for almost three months and was genuinely happy afterall the heartaches.
It was either a good nor a bad year. I did exciting things — first travel to Japan with my sister and visited Taiwan again. Got promoted at work, and was able to meet a lot of people from different walks of life. I moved out to new place. There were a lot of moments where I feel defeated too. I started like someone but was forced to keep this feeling in the dark as she found someone who makes her happy. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely happy for her but as for me — that’s a different story). I had to stop exploring an industry that I was curious of, as I later found out that I am not fit for that. Finances didn’t go well as I was lavishly travelling to different places. I found myself emotionally and mentally unstable, to the point where I’ve come to think of ending my own life as I deemed myself unworthy of living anymore.
Back to the present year, what a struggle has it has been. It’s currently 1am and here am I writing a note for myself while our country is on lockdown. Volcanic Eruptions and the COVID19 has pretty much covered everyone with the fear of the outside. Good things happen from time to time — such as our family trip to Singapore. Things at work are not really great to be honest, as I am leading a difficult project, got bullied by an employee and her band of gangmates, corporate politics and much more. I think I am holding up so much (and maybe so well) because my team has nothing but supportive of me. (I hope they feel the same. lmao). The unrequited love story from last year seems to more evident now, as we are typically strangers now. I guess that’s bound to happen if the feeling was there but it wasn’t communicated properly. All I can do is hope that I’ll get over with this. SOON. Overthinking is stronger as I have to think of my parent’s growing older in age but acting younger in maturity. List of insecurities is getting longer by the day and the concept of the unknown is reacted by fear and not by excitement. I feel that I’m just a bundle of unstable emotions — waiting to explode for the day that I had enough.
I guess I am writing this is note (and re-opening this account) is attempt to save myself. Maybe dumping the negative and unnecessary thoughts in one place would make me realize that I should constantly get rid of it. Maybe while proofreading this for grammatical inconsistencies will help me realize that this is just a phase — and this too shall pass. Maybe documenting the small and good things would me realize that life is actually worth it? Maybe putting everything here will be a safe space for me to be heard not by others but myself?
To be honest,I don’t have the answers to these questions I just wrote. Annd that’s okay. Because I know I will find the answers (and maybe dig more questions) as I go through in this life, and create stories through my writing.
Update: This was supposedly be posted in Medium. I eventually realized that Medium is not a good platform for content like this so bringing back my tumblr to life.
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