everything, everywhere, all at once— that’s the state of her mind as it stands. every time she closes her eyes, chaos unfurls. little voices whisper in overlaps of every action she needs to complete. it’s an endless cyclone wreaking havoc on her mental state, but right now, she can’t even get out of bed. there’s a dull throbbing in the left side of her head in the space right behind her eyes. every time she blinks, she can feel it pulsing like a heartbeat. it’s been hours and she needs to get up and get moving, but she can’t bring herself to, like she's stuck in a state she refuses to get out of. the experience is not altogether unfamiliar, on its own. she’s felt it before. even now, she can still vividly recall it; a group she failed to protect, a woman with a scar that will never heal. and a guiding light. she lets out a sigh.
she can imagine it so clearly. when it happens, will she feel the same? that sickening numbness, as she lies in a pool of her own blood. sticking to her hair and tattered clothes, the color red flooding her subconscious. that cold, cold sensation. a jarring shift, chilling and ruthless, going from everything to nothing. tiptoeing the line between life and death. back then, though, shams is certain she didn’t feel this way. all she could think about those years ago was survival, clinging to the weak flutter of his heart, a dying butterfly. clawing her way up to the skies. anything to escape that harrowing sensation, a kind of desperation all humans feel in the face of certain death, spurring her on. but now— emptiness. sinking deeper into the abyss, that all - enveloping darkness. that awful feeling of pure helplessness. ever since she was released from touto hospital, that is all she feels. helpless.
the dissonance between what she needs to do and what her body will physically participate in is growing stronger. she has to get up, needs to. @karezaru hasn’t said anything yet about the steady decline of her mental state, hasn’t made any claims of noticing, but she knows he can see it. she knows he can tell something is wrong. and it’s risky. very much so. it’s a gamble, the greatest one she might have ever made, even worse than that time eight years ago with tsubasa kurosawa's little game. it’s a gamble, all or nothing. because, really, what would she do if she got him dragged into the mess she finds herself in? to tell him about the depth of her past is one thing, but to introduce him to the world of the iranian mafia is another. she was still healing from all it had put her through, she knows khabib continues to walk a path he does not want to follow. the gain after the loss hits him everyday, embracing him with a burst of energy so violently overwhelming that his wellbeing becomes entirely irrelevant. how could she possibly put yagami through something like that? how could she put the others?
in the middle of the taxing endeavor, she almost fails to notice the presence of a certain someone, standing just a little farther away. almost, because it’d be impossible for her to miss him, that heavy gaze of his. and before she can think the thought to do anything else, she's locked eyes with him, arms still placed on the bed. not daring to say anything, afraid to part her lips, she simply sits there. in silence, like a deer in headlights. for some reason, she can’t really read his expression. she's a little too tired, a little too caught off guard. she's a little too worried they'll start arguing again. she can only blink, worry surely evident in her furrowed brows, as the seconds tick on and on. tense, tense, tense. and then he sits down next to her on the bed. the one they share every night, so why does his closeness fill her with unease? ❝ you're doing it again. ❞ he delivers the words quietly, his hand reaching for hers. ❝ can't you just— ❞
she snaps. shams doesn't want to, but that is what happens. ❝ stop. ❞ she sighs. ❝ you don't understand. ❞
she feels eighteen again. the same frustration she used to feel, she feels it now. standing in front of a council full of the most dangerous men of the organized crime world, dissected to see how useful she can be. a blessing of being such a prodigy. a blessing she never once asked for, one she was simply born into. born with all these abilities, doomed to live behind the rest. all for a pair of eyes that never seem to see the things that really matter. and she remembers how during those times, she used to see a light. a blinding light, really. the light has been close, always. so close she can almost touch it. it burned her skin, but she doesn’t falter. she doesn’t look away, eyes seeing through the blindness and reaching out for something. something alive. and now, twenty two years later, the world decides it's time to take her as she's finally understood what alive means. it's almost laughable if she didn't feel like crying. and now yagami stands in front of her, looking at her with a look she hopes she understands far too well. the silence between them is full of something unspoken, until she hears his voice: ❝ okay, so i don't understand. explain it to me. ❞
once again, she can only blink. a vaguely confused deer in headlights. he comes closer and closer, until she can clearly see his eyes, full of an emotion she finally manage to identify. worry. she waited. that was all she could do. from the window, she notices how the the sky is gray, grayer than ever. even so, all she can see is that familiar shade of blue. all she can hear for a second is the sound of water softly flowing. it's as clear as it’s always been, even in the state she finds herself in. and yet, despite how she does want to admit what has been eating at her, she can't. it's too dangerous. if she continues to sit like this, she most likely will end up letting everything go, so she looks away for a second, her fingers still reaching for his own. and then she turns. it's the frustration again. she doesn't know what to do. and when has that feeling led her anywhere good? ❝ i can't. i'm trying my best here and you ... you just ... look, i— ❞ a breath of shame, of guilt, of knowing what will soon follow. finally, she faces him properly, her expression shifting to what one might describe as one of pleading. her hands moves as she places one on his right arm, the other on her left. ❝ i just need you to trust me. please. ❞
