Eckomeda @eckomeda - Tumblr Blog

cry out to the stars and ask why we are punished with the existential threat of thought!!!! why must i do more???? what good does it do me? can i not be like the other animals? i just want to eat, sleep, and die! i have no reason to think, no reason to reproduce! the only thing i can ever be sure of is death! this universe is a carnival, in which i am i tightrope walker in the circus of the galaxy, my tightrope being life and my netting being death. sometimes i want to fall through that netting into a state of never having existed, to become one with the dirt in the circus rings. my body ground up by clowns, lions, elephants, and the eventual closing of this carnival.

i want to be tortured and suffer for eternity

ive become a much more hateful person than i would like to admit in recent months. i had made a promise to myself that i would help people however i could because i thought it would make me more of a useful person, but whether i realized it or not i am just as good if not better at causing harm. i continue to fail myself and the people i love, i am losing so much. i really used to believe the world would be a better place someday, but that feeling is fleeting. i used to blame myself for every bad thing in my life, i used to blame myself for bad things in other peoples lives. now i blame everything on everyone else and i cant help but feel like it's the truth. i don't want to be hateful but i am. i would rather kill anyone else before myself. the only time i blame myself is when i break promises to myself, and the one person i can hurt for it is myself. maybe ive been on this slippery slope since i was young.

I haven't contemplated and planned suicide so often in years, and I feel like ripping my skin open again every other night. I couldn't care less about the events of the lives of people closest to me, yesterday was my youngest sister's 10th birthday, the sister I baptized. It was prom either Sunday or Saturday, I can't be bothered to remember. My sister went, and probably some of my "friends", it doesn't matter, because I haven't talked to any of them since Friday. I've lived so lonely for years, I can't bring myself to talking to people out of learned helplessness. I have a single 9mm bullet and a lighter to activate the primer. I have a razor blade from a utility knife. I have many prescription drugs from family. Or I could try my hardest to hurt everyone else until there is no choice but to kill me. Or I'll go on some crusade against the government to enact what I see to be just and I'll be killed for it. Maybe I'll just grab a few things and walk out the door and never look back, and maybe that's the only way I can live to see a hopeful future. It doesn't matter where I go because I'll never stop waiting for my death.

Maybe my entire existence was about me crying for help, wailing for love, and begging for hope. I deny any wrongdoing by me, even if I know it was my fault. I don't think I want to pay attention to what I'm writing. I won't read back, I have to write because it might make me feel better even though I know nothing I do will change anything. I think it's better to give up. I'm angry and I don't care to search for the reason. I lied to myself thinking I could not be serious with anyone, but I now realize I could've been. I'm not sure if this is what it looks like to be serious, I don't think it is. I want to shut up because I annoy myself but my mind doesn't feel like something I can control. I can take control physically, but it feels like my consciousness is entirely separate in terms of control. I let myself type because I turned my facades away. But so much hate stirs in my mind and heart for me to continue, it feels like there's something that desperately needs to be let out, but no matter what I do I cannot begin to break the lock that hides that, whatever it is. I think that by writing to myself I might get closer to helping myself somehow, but it seems to be at a stalemate no matter what.

i want to sleep so very badly but i lay here still awake and restless, i cant say anymore, all i want is to be dead and i want to have never existed at all.

i feel like i am slowly being separated from my body, i am becoming less conscious by the minute and i cannot figure out why, i have felt strange for some time now, i am losing more and more sleep, my face feels less and less human. i keep hearing the question of "why should i exist at all" in my head. that question is such a potent one that it could be considered a hazard to any being that thinks. i feel constantly dehydrated, my lips are always chapped, my eyes are always bloodshot and baggy, my teeth ache and my gums recede leaving behind bloody roots. it should hurt but it doesnt, and i still hope to die soon.

Burp

It is 12:19 AM, yesterday I gave up. I didn't learn anything, I understood nothing. I will be left by my lonesome as long as I choose to stand. I want to lay down and rot with the dirtier and earthier things. I want to find my own warmth and my own flesh pleasing for once.