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the kids from yesterday // my chemical romance

a few years ago there was a boy that confused me so much, all I did was wait and sit on his bedroom floor waiting for him to even turn around and look at me. I broke up with him 8 times, and every time he would break down and tell me he wanted me back. I remember one night he sat in the gutter outside my house crying with his head in his hands.

When we were done for good, I was in a really dark place and I felt like the ugliest little sad sick piece of shit in the world. Id desperately hope each time he snuck me into his room it wouldn’t be the last time.

His reluctance and disgust in me was obvious and Id try to fight my trauma response so hard so I could let him fuck me in the ass. I felt so bad that I couldnt do it. He told me he used to rape me in my sleep when I was prescribed seroquel for a bipolar disorder I didnt have. He was vanilla as fuck but he showed me threads of videos of girls getting raped and he told me about these two girls that were sisters aged 14 and 15 and he said he wanted to fuck the 14 year old girl more than the other one because she was younger. I never even discouraged him I just wanted his approval.

I would have never been able to get him off my mind if I hadnt met the next boy.

Its been 2 years and I really fell in love this time. He has a girlfriend and he has been slowly killing me but he makes me feel absolutely adored for a few hours, he only comes to see me once a month and I trade all that time in misery for him to visit me. Its never a part of his plan though. Theres no fucking way I can drag myself away from this one, he’s older and a dad and hes got this power play hold over me because of his lifestyle but hes not cocky about it, its hot as fuck and Im such a sub Im literally helpless and I never want him to stop fucking me.

But Ive just met this new guy and he is not like any other boy Ive met before, he is two years younger than me but hes smart and bright and engaging to talk to. And he is so well mannered and considerate, the way he speaks to me is absolutely beautiful and its really taken me by surprise. He came over and we hung out for the first time just us two the other night and we had a sloppy sexual drunken encounter of some kind in the dark and honestly Im not even sure if we fucked properly or if we just kinda dry humped and he just told me he came to be polite yikes.

I dont think we are gonna be sexually compatible sadly but I hope this is the start of a friendship interesting enough to take my mind off Heath. Because he doesn’t really love me and I know that and it kills me. I can tell he is fond of me and I love the way he looks at me. Im pretty sure he loves me as a person but I didnt expect him to keep choosing the other girl over me. Im just grateful now that he has the decency to not talk about her.

Remys on his way over soon. He is waiting for the first tram just to come on a little mission to see me. Im gonna try fuck myself up and make myself look less disgusting before he gets here. Ive got one hour. Bye bye future Georgie I hope things work out for you whenever you look back at this pathetic shit I cant tell anybody so I just chuck it on this old blog.

8-bitfiction

ecstasad

:((((( fuck you i will always love you beyond anything that makes sense. you dont deserve me why cant i turn this off :’((((

morepeachyogurt

chen chen, nature poem in ‘when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities’

onebadgal-deactivated20240104-d

8-bitfiction

absoluteconceptofbeauty

clingiest insane girl award most avoidant awful girl award

I am scared home alone, poor security and people I am supposedly friends with but who I don’t really trust, are angry with me. They have been trying to call me etc but I’m honestly scared because in these two cases these people have been dodgy, violent and impulsive to others.

I want to leave them behind when I move houses in the next few weeks bc they know my address.

But for tonight... how do I know if my instincts to be afraid are right, or if its only anxiety and paranoia? :/

Im scared but if I tell anyone they will think I am crazy.

I wrote this here bc I know no one ever reads it.