Carry On

"My head feels like its going to explode."

{She smiled slightly and moved over, staring up at the ceiling.}

Soo, what do you want to talk about? You pick a topic.

[He smiled too, glancing at her, before turning his gaze to the ceiling as well.] Hmm okay, we could talk about school, favourite subjects, least favourite subjects, that kind of thing.

"My head feels like its going to explode."

I don’t think that will work, but I guess we could give it a shot…

It's always worth a try. Budge over then. [He lies down next to her]

"My head feels like its going to explode."

{She sighed} Unless you can brew a sleeping potion even stronger than Slughorn’s, there really isn’t anything to be done. But thank you, I appreciate the offer.

Well, I've never been that good at potions, so I doubt I could top it. We could lie and talk though if you like, until you get sleepy.

"My head feels like its going to explode."

I’m afraid not, to both questions.

Are you sure? Because otherwise I'm just going to stand here and feel quite useless.

"My head feels like its going to explode."

You okay? Is there anything I can do to help?

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn didn’t think she’d even stop doubting this so-called beauty, but she knew he meant well and that his words were sincere so she smiled back. “That’s kind of you to say.” She knew she wasn’t the direct cause of the scars, that her father was the one who’d inflicted them upon her, but she’d been victim-blamed so many times she didn’t even realize it was happening anymore, instead believing she could have done something to stop it.

She sighed as he pulled away and smiled at him as he picked up a light-hearted tone. Even if her depression would linger, she was glad to be able to still be playful with someone. “Hm, maybe not an arse… He probably could have gone about the situation a bit differently, but he’s honest and I definitely value that.” She felt a bit refreshed and a bit lighter now that she had gotten her words off her chest. With a full grin that she felt she hadn’t had on her face in too long, she sat back down on the couch, comfortable now, and picked up her hot chocolate. “I suppose that’s true. I’m very glad I met you, fellow coffee hater. Coffee is only good if you define coffee as a cup one third coffee, one third milk, and one third sugar. You guessed right, I am a hot chocolate girl myself.” She took a long drink of the hot chocolate, nearly draining it.

#gah sorry it's so short #ellowyn #para #the management of emotions

Edgar took his seat back on the couch and picked his much back up, taking a sip and nodding at her comment. "He's certainly a character." he agreed. He'd been in a lot of Lorcan's lessons since first years, so he knew him quite well. He found small doses of Lorcan were quite enough for him, but he could see why Ellowyn would like him. He had a way of making everyone feel beautiful and wanted, even if it was only physically.

He chuckled at her persecution of Coffee and nodded in agreement. "Coffee in any form is pure evil, and while I like a good cup of hot chocolate, tea is where my heart will always lie. I'm afraid I'll never forgive you for not liking it." He teased, taking another sip of his hot chocolate. "So are you going to go back to lessons this afternoon, or were you planning to take the rest of the day off?" He asked. It was nearly lunch time by now, and they'd both have to decide soon what they were doing.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn’s eyes widened. “Oh, gosh, I’m sorry! That was completely insensitive.” She shook her head at herself. This was precisely why she kept quiet. She said just the wrong things at just the wrong times, like she was physically incapable of not messing things up with her words. But this wasn’t about her. It was about him, and how he probably just felt like shit again. Even if she had her own daunting sadness, he had his too and she knew she couldn’t even imagine what he must have been going through with that. She didn’t have to ask to know that he had loved them very much and that they had to have been magnificent parents to him. They’d done a good job raising him from what she could tell, and most children loved their parents beyond expression. “You know if you want to talk about that, I’m here for you too.” She said with full sincerity that was evident in her voice, wanting to hug him again, take away his pain. “Not that I know of. I’ve never gotten the chance to ask. I never know what’s going to set him off.”

She appreciated him holding her hand to let her know he was there. In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that she could feel his hand in hers, warm and real, she could easily have thought him a figment of her imagination, too good to be true. When he gave his opinion on Lorcan, she nodded slowly. “I hadn’t thought of it that way.” She said honestly, pondering the new perspective. She easily came to the conclusion that Edgar was probably right, and although it didn’t help too much, it did help a bit. She was still hurting, but the pain was able to ease slightly, and she clung to the thought that she might have been better off without him. However, that only brought the thought to her mind that that meant she was alone again. She shoved the thought away though, not wanting to burst into tears again and brushed away the last couple of tears. “You’re probably right. But I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk to him the same. I don’t think he’ll talk to me the same, or even look at me the same.” Her nose was still running and she sniffled slightly, her voice so low it was hardly even a whisper. “That’s because you haven’t seen the scars.” She shook her head slightly to herself, clearing that thought and speaking in a normal voice again. “Thank you.” Ellowyn doubted she was pretty. She used to think she was, and maybe it was because of how frequently she was told that by her father and the way people’s eyes just flicked right past her as if she didn’t exist. But she wasn’t about to tell him that.

She wasn’t quite sure if she even knew what classified a hug as ‘good’, but she thought this one was. Ellowyn couldn’t help noticing the same scent that had been on his clothing, proving him to smell very good, and not only that, but she felt warm and safe in a way. “I hope things work out for you too.” She told him, her eyes closed as she appreciated the moment. And even though she didn’t know him that well, she was nevertheless certain about her next statement. “You deserve to be happy.” His kindness like this to a complete stranger who’d just dropped a bombshell on his head, that bombshell being her problems, was proof enough that he deserved it.

He thought he visibly sagged with the sadness when she mentioned the scars, and he just wanted to hold her and protect her, and it was odd because he'd only just met her but he didn't care. "The scars aren't your fault, you'd be beautiful with or without them, to the people that matter they wouldn't affect your beauty at all. The scars may be ugly, but you're not. I don't even have to see them to know." He said honestly with a comforting smile.

Edgar didn't really want to let go of the hug, and his face was buried in her shoulder, and she smelt like him because of the clothes, and for some reason that made him happy. "You deserve to be happy too." He told her, and he knew she probably wouldn't believe him, because her self-esteem seemed to be at the bottom of the ocean right now, and he knew he couldn't fix that with a few kind words, but perhaps she's appreciate it nonetheless.

Finally he pulled away reluctantly, but he figured they couldn't just stand their all day. "Lorcan's an arse anyway, you deserve much better than him." He said in a teasing tone. "Really you should be thanking him though, because thanks to his antics this morning, you happened to run right into your new friend."

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn pursed her lips and looked at her hands which had now turn to fists atop her legs, knuckles whitening. This was precisely why she hadn’t talked to anybody about her father, aside from not feeling able to trust anybody with the information, as well as the lack of open ears. “I can’t tell anyone. You can’t tell anyone. They’ll take my father and I’ll never see him again. He’s not a bad person, Edgar. He doesn’t deserve to go to jail for the rest of his life just because he’s an alcoholic and- he’s just lost. I don’t think he even understands what he’s doing…” She trailed off, not knowing how to convey the importance of not telling to him. “And then where would I go anyway? To an orphanage during my summers so I can be tossed in and out of foster homes for the next two years? I know about orphanages and the foster homes, Edgar. Bad things happen there, far worse things than what’s happening at my house.”

Ellowyn took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to find her words. It was hard to start talking, but once she did, it all just came pouring out about Lorcan. She hadn’t meant to divulge everything about the situation, but once she started, she couldn’t stop. All the words describing what had happened, as well as her loneliness, lack of importance, worthlessness, stupidity, ugliness, and guilt just tumbled from her lips, word after word after word. Her voice had been choked tighter than she’d thought it possible as she spoke and halfway through it, she started crying. Not hard enough for her words to not be able to be comprehended, but hard enough that she needed to take a breath and stop every few sentences.

Once she was through, she caught her breath and wiped her eyes. It was a relief to get the words stuck in her system out and she could honestly say she felt better. It wasn’t a massive improvement since everything was still shit, but she managed to stop crying at least. Ellowyn nodded as he talked about flying. “That would be really nice.” She hiccupped and laughed slightly as he stood up. She followed his move to find that she was a foot shorter than him, but nonetheless wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him closely.

He shook his head, he wasn't going to tell anyone, but he wasn't just going to forget this either. He was going to try and find a solution. "It's not my place to tell anyone Ellowyn." he said sadly. When she started talking about orphans he looked down and simply nodded. "I'm an orphan now you know." He said his voice a little quieter than before. "And I don't think orphanages are the worst part of being an orphan either." He was pretty sure not all orphanages and foster homes were as bad as all the stories said either. Sure there were some terrible ones, and obviously some stories were true, but there had to be alright ones too. "Don't you have any other family that could help, grandparents or aunts or uncles you could stay with?" He asked. That's where him and Amelia would be staying now.

He didn't interrupt her as she talked, even though he wanted to on many occasions. Instead he took her hand, just like she'd done for him, hoping it would provide some comfort and then when she'd finished he let go and decided to give his input. "I know this is going to sound crappy but... maybe Lorcan was right. I mean, I'm sure Lorcan's a nice guy deep down, but he's not the kind of guy who could give you the supportive relationship you sound like you need right now. I'm not saying that it shouldn't hurt, because feelings aren't rational, and if you really liked him, then getting your heart broken sucks under any circumstances. But maybe things aren't completely broken between you two, maybe you just need some time to heal and understand and stuff." he shrugged, hoping he wasn't saying the wrong things. "And I know I don't really know you so I can't meaningfully reassure you about most of those insecurities you have, but I can say without a doubt that you are no where near ugly." He said, a smile playing on his lips.

As Ellowyn wrapped her arms around his shoulders he leaned down slightly so she wouldn't have to stretch as far and wrapped his around her waist. She was so slight that his arms went around her completely with ease, it was like she was barely there, and perhaps that was how they both felt, so Edgar just hugged her tighter. "I hope things work out for you Ellowyn," He said honestly.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Upon hearing about his parents, she knew she would have been smiling sympathetically at him if she hadn’t been so consumed with her own misery. Nonetheless, a wave of sympathy fell over her head and she set her hot chocolate aside, turning fully to him to let him know he had her full attention. “I’m sad to hear that.” Ellowyn said quietly, taking his hand in hers and squeezing to let him know she was there with the achievement of a slight smile. She hardly cared that she didn’t know him because he understood. He knew what she was feeling. And she knew any act of comfort would be appreciated, even from a stranger, because she could already tell that this was delicate information.

She let go of his hand, not wanting him to be uncomfortable, and after a moment, when he spoke of a fixable situation, she let out a laugh that was far from amusement. It was more of a dry sob even though she wasn’t crying, actually. “My dad beats me until I wish for death. He reminds me I’m unimportant, and… it was just proven to me again this morning.” She told him, emotion stirring up in her voice as she sighed shakily. There was the truth. The ugly, horrible truth. It felt strange saying it out loud. Very strange. Ellowyn nodded as he spoke, understanding on an entirely new level she never had before. “You feel alone and helpless, like the pain is never going to end.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I doubt there is any cure, honestly. I gave up looking for one long ago.”

Ellowyn did one of the very few things she was good at, and listened well. “I’m not really sure I have, um, friends. No one really… bothers talking to me if they can help it.” Her face heated slightly at the words because although they were a severe form of pathetic, they were sadly also true. “I’ve never really flown before. Schoolwork is a good distraction, though. And I can’t believe I never actually thought of trying sleeping potions, that’s an excellent idea.” He managed to elicit a real laugh from her this time, even if it was small. “I suppose it has been. So thank you for nearly running me into the ground.” She said, managing a teasing tone. “Well, I can only recollect three hugs I’ve had, so I guess I wouldn’t know.” Ellowyn shrugged. One was her mother when she was younger, in one of the only memories she recalled of her, and the other two were from her friendship with Lorcan. And she was fairly sure that was over so did they even count anymore?

#ellowyn #para #the management of emotions #sorry it's not as long

He looked down at their hands as she took his, and he very almost let the tears slip from his eyes but he managed to check himself in time. It was stupid how such a small act of kindness meant so much these days. As her fingers slipped from his he looked up at her in shock at her words about her father. "I- I know it's none of my business Ellowyn but... you have to tell someone, someone who can fix it." He didn't know which of their problems was worse, and he didn't think there was really a definitive way to measure it either, but it didn't matter because they were both hurting. "I know he's your dad and everything, but nobody should be living with an abusive parent, and nobody deserves it either, no matter how unimportant you think you are." And although he didn't say it he very much doubted that she was actually as unimportant as she thought. "You have to tell Flitwick or Dumbledore or... someone, they might not be able to fix it completely, but they'll help. They'll make sure he doesn't hurt you anymore." He said seriously. The thought of her wishing for death made his stomach churn. It was probably more complicated than he could fathom because obviously there was a reason she hadn't told someone, and why she was suffering in silence, but he'd be damned if he let someone innocent get hurt like that.

"What happened this morning?" He asked hesitantly, wondering how bad it could be, and if that was the reason she'd skipped lessons. He really just wanted to hold her, and make her feel better, because he couldn't imagine someone as nice as her not having friends, perhaps there was something he was missing. "Well, I'll talk to you, and I could give you some flying lessons if you needed them, or even wanted them, and..." he stopped and thought for a second about what he was going to do next before smiling determinedly her. Standing up he took a breath and held his arms open. "Come on, we're going to bring that hug count up to 4, right here right now." He said as confidently as he could. "I'm going to show you how great hugs are, and we're going to enjoy it, and forget for a second about everything okay?" he ordered with an encouraging smile.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

"Ahh, I see. So this was all just a ploy for luxury. And here I thought you were just doing it out of the goodness of your heart." Ellowyn replied in a teasing tone. She didn't want him to think she was incapable of being social or moderately pleasant, even though she practically was. She smiled at him thankfully, taking another sip. "Its all very nice. The clothes are warm and soft and the hot chocolate is delicious. And thank you for not getting tea, I know most people like it but I really hate it. Probably would have drank it anyway, but still." She added the last just for the sake of conversation.

She opened her mouth to start and then closed it again. Ellowyn thought back to her decision to speak of what as going on, and ended up thinking for another moment on what to say. She watched him quietly for a moment. He seemed willing enough to hear what she had to say. But at the same time, he hopefully thought she was normal and talking about her stupid issues would definitely ruin that.

She looked at the hot chocolate mug she'd rested on her knees, a thumb tracing over the smooth surface for a distraction. "I don't know if you know anything about something like this, but... What do you do when everything is hurting? Physically, mentally emotionally. What do you do when your entire existence is so painful that it just hurts to... Live?" She knew it was a horrible thing to say out aloud and that she'd probably just made him regret offering his help. She wouldn't blame him if he started acting weird. "I just... I don't know what to do with myself. And the, um... Situation I'm in isn't... Fixable." She glanced at him quickly. "Just... Is there anything, that comes to mind that could... Do some good?" She really hoped he wouldn't say something unhelpful like 'itll get better' or 'you just need to find the silver lining'.

#ellowyn #para #the management of emotions #I'M CRYING #THESE TWO!#TOO MUCH SADNESS!

Edgar felt reassured when she told him everything he'd done for her seemed to be okay. He put on a look of mock horror as she said she didn't like tea and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry, I can't be friends with someone who doesn't like tea. I bet you like coffee instead don't you? This is dreadful." He joked, glad for the distraction and the momentary normalcy, not matter how long it lasted.

He did rush her into speaking, or push her for information, because he knew from experience that when something really mattered, it was hard to find the right words and the right place to start. So he just waited patiently, giving her time to think and a reassuring smile.

However the smile slipped slowly from his face as she talked and he found that he knew exactly what she was talking about. He understood the feelings she was describing, and it made the ache in his chest flare to hear that someone else had to feel these things too. He took a shaky breath and thought about his answer carefully. "My parents were killed, just over a month ago," He said fighting to keep his voice even as the lump in his throat became almost painful. "And I don't know if that's the kind of unfixable situation you're in, but I think I understand the feelings your describing." He explained. "Um... it feels like I've been feeling this way for so long now that I won't ever get back to normal, or even fully remember what normal feels like, and I know that's not helpful, or reassuring in any way, but I'm not going to lie to you." He said, fighting to keep the emotion out of his voice as he looked down at his hands which were shaking ever so slightly around the mug he was holding. "It hurts all the time, and I haven't found anything that cures it, but some things numb it for a while. Sometimes you can forget for small periods of time, if you find the right distractions, and that short relief is better than nothing."

He rooted around in his brain for things that helped, things that might help her, wondering if he was even being helpful and he steadied his breathing as much as possible. "Err.. distractions, so like talking to friends, quidditch, schoolwork, sleeping sometimes, depending on whether you have nightmares or not. Dreamless sleep potions can help with that though. You just have to try and ignore it as much as possible, and although it makes me feel guilty as hell, thinking about it all the time would be excruciating." He said speaking from experience. He looked up and gave her a small pained smile. "Knocking over strangers in the hallway and ending up drinking hot chocolate with them, that's been a good distraction. For a while there I think I was actually nearly happy." He said blinking back the wetness forming in the corners of his eyes. "Oh and err... hugs help too, for me at least."

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn decided she liked Edgar while he spoke. So far he seemed kind, helpful, and easy to talk to, just a few of many traits she admired. "Well, I've found through extensive research that I'm rather boring, so thank you." She let out a short laugh and followed him up to his dorm. Under normal circumstances she would have never found herself in a situation like this. However, her intuition was typically correct, and she felt that he was one of the good ones.

She nodded to his words and took the clothes, watching him leave. She shut the door and locked it just in case behind him and looked around the dorm variously. It was a bit messier than he dorm and some of the trunks were overflowing with clothing, but overall it looked relatively the same as hers. She tried to change quickly, but her clothing was stuck against her skin so it was a bit of a struggle. She put on the pants and felt immense gratification that they were soft and cozy.

However, she had the unfortunate experience of accidentally catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror. The skin of her back was marred with scars and she still had a huge hand-print-shaped bruise on her lower abdomen that she'd elicited the morning before she got on the train. It was fading quickly, yellow now, but it still hurt if you touched it. And then there were all the other more natural imperfections of her breasts and hips that she didn't even want to think about. She'd forgotten how ugly she was when she wasn't wearing anything. It was another reason why she would why have slept with Lorcan.

Ellowyn shuddered and turned away, quickly putting the shirt back on and rolling her clothing into a wet ball. She could already feel herself growing warmer, even if she was still shivering, and as she headed down caught a whiff of the scent of the clothing. She couldn't describe it really, beyond a few words. Kind of musky but somehow calming.

She shook the thought out of her head, feeling a bit creepy for noticing it in the first place, and headed down to the commons a bit clumsily, and barefooted, due to the bagginess of the clothing. She wasn't sure what to do with her wet clothing so she just set it on the ground and took a seat beside him, though not too close. She nervously was wringing her wrists but forced herself to stop and take one of the cups on the table with a quick smile. "I know I sound like a broken record, but thank you for doing this. Its all very helpful and honestly, you made my day." The mug shook a bit as her hands were shaking as well and she took a quick sip, surprised immediately by how it wasn't scalding and how it was delicious. She was nervous because of her decision to talk about her issues a bit and pulled her knees up to her chest to get comfortable. "So, um... Is it, um... Alright if I, um... Talk about, uh, something?" she knew she sounded stupid, but she was used to it by then.

Edgar had started drinking his hot chocolate when he heard her footsteps coming down from the dormitories. He turned to see her and couldn't but smile as she appeared. He had thought she'd look silly in his clothes, but in actual fact she just looked kind of cute, with the long sleeves hanging down over nervous hands and the ends of the trouser legs making her feet slightly clumsy. He didn't know why she looked so nervous but he would pry, he'd just try to make her feel as comfortable as possible, because that's all he really could do.

He let out a short laugh at her repeated thank you and shook his head modestly. "It really is no problem. If you want the truth I really just wanted an excuse to drink hot chocolate," he joked, hoping the lightheartedness would ease her nerves some. However the comment about making her day made a small swell of pride erupt in his chest, at least he'd accomplished something today. "Are you clothes okay? And the drink? I didn't know what to get so I thought hot chocolate would be a safe choice," He explained rambling slightly to fill the silence.

When she asked to talk about something he was slightly taken aback. He knew he'd offered to talk if she wanted to, but he hadn't expected it to be today, or ever really. Usually those kinds of comments lay forgotten, and with her unwillingness to talk not half an hour ago, he was surprised she wanted to talk now. Perhaps something had changed her mind, and of course he wasn't going to turn her down, the offer after all, had been genuine. He nodded earnestly. "Of course, anything, I'm all ears." He encouraged, turning to face her a little more on the sofa to show his willingness.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Despite her own conflictions, she noticed the way spoke in past tense about his mother and curiosities formed in her mind. But she was respectful enough to know when not to ask, and from the tremor in his voice of which she could hear him trying to conceal since it was the same technique she used, it was bad. She decided to leave it be just in case. She didn’t know what she would have done if she mentioned her own situation and he asked about it. It would probably just unintentionally come spilling out from having it stuck inside for so long.

Ellowyn smiled despite her mood. “That sounds nice. Two burdens unburdening others by removing our presence.” At the same time that it wasn’t a very happy one, it was. It made no sense to her, but hardly anything made sense to her anymore anyway. “Just know that I’m, um, not very good at conversation. Carrying it, starting it, not being… awkward.” Of course, she hadn’t tried to carry true conversations where she could get deep and really express her opinions before. But that was because no one seemed to care what she had to say and no one was listening anyway. It was why she wrote, actually. As a form of expression. But she doubted it would work well with what had just happened that morning.

“Well, you could’ve. Most people probably would have.” She told him, her voice a bit quiet. People weren’t as kind as they used to be. Sure, they might have helped her up if she was lucky, but then they’d have seen her eyes and ran because sorrow made itself known whether one wanted it to do so or not. “Well, you’re one of seemingly few people who have actually grasped that concept. Its rather refreshing if I’m being honest.”

Ellowyn wasn’t able to register what he’d said until she was in the dorm. She’d taken several long moment to force her emotions back again. She couldn’t force her face blank like earlier, she didn’t feel as if she had the energy for such pretending anymore. She finally nodded, though, to his words. She contemplated his words. “If you ever do feel like talking, I’m a very good listener.” What was she to make of that? Under normal circumstances, she would have downright refused. But she was worn thin, and she was exhausted. From forcing down her emotions and never having a real conversation past the hellos and favorite colors. What did she have to lose, honestly? She wasn’t sure she could sink much lower. She already hated herself, hated life. The worst he could do was not actually mean his offer or get freaked out and kick her out. It wouldn’t make any difference to her, he’s just be another disappointment, and God knew she had a truckload of them already.

She decided when he came back with the warm drinks she would tell him. The decision was so unlike her that it was scary, but somehow also bit satisfying. She’d just let her words out and if he wanted her to leave after that, she would. Probably even for good. Depending on how she felt.

Ellowyn managed a genuine smile this time. “Thank you, that would be lovely.” She stood a bit awkwardly by a couch, not wanting to sit down and soak the fabric or anything. His kindness was honestly a bit shockingly. She wasn’t usually shown this sort of decency unless it was the teachers proving their pity. She knew he probably didn’t think much of it, but it was just the thing she’d needed and she felt that she could be grateful for a long time for some reason.

Edgar motioned for her to follow him up to his dorm, assuming she would rather get changed there instead of the common room, just in case someone did happen to walk through. "You know it's really fine about the conversation thing. We can all be a little awkward at times, and I'm pretty good at carrying a conversation anyway, so I'll keep you afloat if you need it." He smiled kindly, feeling a sense of normality in himself for the first time in a long time.

Once in his dorm he dug through his clothes for the sweatshirt and the trousers that were just a bit too small for him. The were still going to be massive on her, but they were better than nothing. He took out some clothes for himself and handed her the items. "I'll get changed in the bathroom and then go get those drinks. I'll meet you back in the common room yeah?" He confirmed. It would be nicer there than in the dorm with the comfy chairs and the fire.

With that he left the dorm to let her get changed in peace and went to the bathroom and change out of his own wet clothes. The warmth of the dry clothes was certainly a comfort after walking around in the wet ones for longer than was pleasant. Then jogging a little so he wouldn't keep Ellowyn waiting too long he visited the kitchens. The house elves were enthusiastic as always, and no sooner had the words hot chocolate left his mouth then they were bustling about preparing two mugs for him.

It barely took them five minutes to whip up two of the best hot chocolates he'd ever seen, just looking at them was making him feel better already. He just hoped Ellowyn was okay with them, because he'd forgotten to actually ask her what she wanted. He took them back carefully to the common room and set them down on a table, taking a seat on the couch and waiting for Ellowyn to rejoin him.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Changed? Definitely. She’d gotten uglier and even more pathetic than she already was. Ellowyn ducked her head, feeling bad for the reception of a Howler. “Gosh, I’m sorry. I could’ve paid for you to get a new shirt or something, I don’t remember if I offered or not, but I should’ve, how rude of me.” She shook her head and glanced at him, chewing her lower lip. She did a bit of a double take, though, because his expression had quickly changed from a smile to one of sadness. He was starting to catch her curiosity. Eyes with almost a dead look to them, sudden mood swings, walking around in an abandoned, flooded corridor while classes were going. He was like her.

"I doubt I’ll be very good company, but I’ll try to be pleasant." Ellowyn told him truthfully. There was a reason people didn’t talk to her often; she was mousy and her social anxiety showed through rather easily. "Nah, it was my fault. I was being a twat, not looking where I was going." She shook her head at herself.

She listened to him speak and nodded along politely as the words reached her ears. “Thank you for doing going to the trouble of this. I really appreciate your kindness.” She told him honestly. The only thing that was more surprising than someone else lurking around up here was that he’d decided to take a moment out of his day to actually help her out and not just leave her to freeze. She could’ve handled herself fine but she was glad for this.

Ellowyn could feel herself warming up to him slightly but the minute he asked why she was skipping class, it was a struggle to even move her legs again. The tears were in her eyes in an instant and she felt sick. “I-” Her voice broke off quickly and it took everything she had to not let the tears leave her eyes. I don’t want to talk about it. That was what she was going to say. But it was a lie, wasn’t it? She wanted to talk about it, to get it off her chest, not deal with it alone, to scream and cry and be allowed to have emotions, to not have to restrain them every second of every day. And maybe that was why she was going crazy; she had it all stuffed inside her mind, and it was driving her utterly insane. She ducked her head, letting her hair fall so he couldn’t see her face and shook her head, hoping he understood.

He shook his head. "You really don't need to worry about it now, it was just a shirt, mum just liked to have things to worry about, I don't think she was actually that angry." He said, fighting to keep his voice even as he talked about her. He wasn't really bothering to hide his sadness anymore, but that wasn't the same thing as breakdown in the middle of the corridor. He was getting better at controlling it, but that didn't mean it was getting any easier.

"That's alright, I'm not exactly great company myself at the moment. Perhaps we can be bad company together and save everyone else the pain of having to interact with us." He said with an understanding smile. He was constantly feeling like a burden to his friends at the moment, and he knew that him being around made them feel uncomfortable, no matter how much they denied it, so he tried to save them from that as often as possible.

"You don't have to thank me, it really is nothing. I couldn't just leave you in the middle of the corridor soaking wet and freezing cold now could I?" He justified. "I know the age of chivalry is supposed to be dead and everything, but that doesn't mean people can't still simply be polite." He didn't want her to think he was any better than anyone else for doing this, because he wasn't. If anything he was worse, because he'd knocked her over in the first place.

His face fell as she struggled to get any words out and hid her face. He wanted to reach out to her and comfort her and tell her he understood, but he didn't, because they'd only just met, and it would probably just freak her out more than comfort her. "It's okay," He told her kindly. "You don't have to tell me. It's really none of my business anyway." he told her, feeling guilty once more for resurfacing whatever was making her feel so bad. "But er... if you ever do feel like talking, I'm a very good listener." He offered, knowing that just having someone to talk to was sometimes a better comfort than anything else anyone could give you.

They arrived at the Hufflepuff common room not long after that and Edgar lead them both inside. It was empty of course, because everyone was at their lessons like they were supposed to be. "I probably have a sweatshirt that you can borrow, and some old sweatpants that might not drown you." He said with a genuine smile, she was obviously a lot smaller than him, but dry over sized clothes were better than wet cold ones any day.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn smiled to be polite, though it hardly was one with any actual emotion. “Don’t worry about it, I just spilled a potion on you once. No need to feel guilty.” She briefly wondered if she looked as dead as she felt. Or perhaps dead wasn’t the right word. She was too alive. She was too alive and she didn’t want to be. She didn’t even really want to be alive at all. “My name’s Ellowyn. It’s nice to meet you, formally.”

She watched him a moment before shrugging. “Sure. That would be nice.” It would be nice. She could warm up a bit then head back to her dorm and not leave the bed for a few days. Besides, it couldn’t hurt. There was already so much damage done that even if it did it probably wouldn’t make much of a dent.

She smiled at him again, forcing it to not be empty as they started to head down the corridor. Ellowyn put her carefully constructed sincerity into her voice as she spoke. “This is rather kind of you to do, thank you.” She may as well fake it for another person. Why not fool him into thinking she was normal, like she fooled everybody else? Once she was warm, she’d leave, he’d forget her name, and she’d never speak to him again. His conscience would be clear and he’d never have to think about her again.

They rounded a corner and her feet still trudged through the water and she briefly wondered why it was flooded again before remembering that it didn’t matter, she didn’t care. “So, where are we going?” She could keep up polite small talk easy enough.

Edgar's eyes widened slightly in realization at who she was. "That was you? Well that was what, 3 years ago? You've obviously changed since then." He said with a kind smile. "I think my mum almost sent me a howler for that, she couldn't get the stains out with anything." he said with a genuine smile before remembering that the she was gone now and that he'd never get mail from her again, howler or otherwise. He swallow the familiar lump in his throat and nodded as she introduced herself. "It's nice to meet you Ellowyn, formally." He greeted.

As she accepted his offer, he felt some of the weight lift from him. "Alright, it'll be nice to have some company as well." He admitted, he hadn't even talked to anyone since dinner last night, and even then it was only polite conversation to keep his friends happy. He shook his head at her comment about being kind, and even though he knew kind was one of his main personality traits, so was modesty, and therefore he'd never really admit it. He didn't think what he was doing was particularly kind anyway, it was just the right thing to do. Any decent person would have done the same in his position, or that's what he believed at least. "It's nothing, it's the least I could do, given the circumstances." He said apologetically.

He quickly formed a plan in his head about what they were going to do next. "Well, we can go back to the Hufflepuff common room, I can find you some dry clothes there. Then the kitchens are right next door, so while you're changing I can get us some drinks." he suggested, hoping she'd be okay with the plan. "The Hufflepuff common room is the coziest room in the castle that I know of." He added, which really did sound nice right about now, in the cold corridors with freezing cold water soaking his clothes.

He looked down at her curiously as they walked and decided to ask a question that was playing on his mind. "What are you doing skipping class anyway?" He'd noticed she was a Ravenclaw, and usually they didn't do that kind of thing, so there must be some reason and curiosity had gotten the better of him.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

The cold water was a bit of a shock to her system, and she just kind of sat there in the water for a moment before she registered what he had said.

What the hell was the matter with her? She couldn’t even walk right. Her eyes watered in an instant but she blinked the tears away knowing it was ridiculous to get emotional about something like this. But Ellowyn nonetheless contemplated telling the bloke that she was fine and letting herself lay there in the cold water until she froze to death. However, she ended up looking up at him and nodding simply, trying to remember how long it had been since she’d been asked that question, if she’d ever been asked it at all.

"Not really." She told him flatly but took his hand and rose nonetheless. What she wanted was to not have a mind. She wanted to be a robot, not have to feel, not have to deal with the monstrosity called emotions. Lorcan was right, they were ugly, horrible things best to steer clear of. She was starting to agree with his decision to not date her. Feelings made things turn to shit and she had too many of them. No wonder he didn’t want her. No wonder nobody wanted her.

When she was up she finally got a good look at him. Dark-ish brown hair that looked rather messy and dark blue eyes with dark circles under them as if he hadn’t slept in days. His eyes were almost a bit dead looking, like hers had become this morning. She felt like she was looking to a mirror when looking at his eyes. He was handsome, Ellowyn observed. She bet he had a really nice smile too.

She’d met him before, briefly in her third year when she spilled a potion all over his clothing. He’d been kind about it and hadn’t gotten upset with her, even though her social anxieties had put tears in her eyes that he would yell at her. “You’re Edgar Bones.” Ellowyn mused aloud. She wouldn’t be shocked if he didn’t remember her. Hardly anyone seemed to. She was so easily forgotten. She’d actually come to expect if it she was being perfectly honest.

He saw the tears forming in the corners of her eyes, and knew all too well the look of someone trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. He knew the lump that was probably forming in her throat, and the ache in her chest from whatever was making her feel that way. He didn't know why but he decided that if he even did one productive thing today, it would be to try and make her feel better.

He was surprised by her honest answer to his question. It would have been far easier to give the usual dismissive answer of 'Yeah I'm fine,' or 'Yeah don't worry about me,' which were things he found himself saying a lot. "I'm sorry to hear that." he said genuinely as he helped her to her feet. They were both soaking by now, and both cold, and that probably wasn't helping either of their moods.

The girl looked familiar but he couldn't quite place her. There were some people around Hogwarts that everyone knew simply because they stood out from the crowd, but she was obviously someone quiet, someone who knew how to blend in. Even if he'd passed her in the corridor a million times, which was entirely possible, he still probably wouldn't know who she was. Not that that was an insult to her, sometimes it was good to blend in. If anything it was an insult to his observational skills and memory.

He nodded as she said his name, now feeling even worse for not knowing her name. "Yeah, that's me," He said with an small smile that said he wasn't exactly ecstatic to be him right now. "I'm sorry, I don't know who you are, you look familiar though, if we've met before I'm going to feel even more guilty than I already do." he said with a little nervous chuckle, gesturing to her wet clothes. "Will you let me find you some dry clothes or a warm drink or something?" He asked. "Something to say sorry and put my conscience at ease." He said, only half joking.

The Management of Emotions {Edgar & Ellowyn}

Ellowyn eventually rose from where she was sitting and pulled herself together as best she could. Crying was useless, hurting was useless, she was useless. Everything was useless. Especially trying to make herself look like she hadn’t been crying as a pathetic mess for the last couple of hours.

She sighed agitatedly and began to head back up to the castle. It was around midday and she was supposed to be in Potions, but she didn’t actually have any intention of going to class, and she’d be damned if she was going to let Filch drag her to the classroom where no one would notice her absence. It was a depressing thought, being dragged back there, where the teacher would look at her, disappointed, and the students would think to themselves “Who is that? I didn’t even know she was in this class.”

Ellowyn brushed it onto the pile of everything else that sucked and didn’t bother putting on a blank face as she pushed the front doors of the castle open and headed inside. She kept her head down easily just in case anyone else came by. If they saw any part of her face they would know there was something seriously wrong with her. She literally felt like the essence of death.

However, she was lucky that she didn’t come across anyone up until she reached the third floor, which was flooded again, and would then thankfully be empty. She was able to relax her shoulders, but still kept her head down until she rounded a corner, stepping in water up to her ankles, and smacked straight into something, causing her to fall back into the water with a loud splash.

Edgar had decided to skip lessons again. He'd been doing it far too often recently but he couldn't bring himself to care. Even getting out of bed seemed like a chore these days and there were mornings when he just couldn't be bothered to put the effort in. He told himself he was only missing a history of magic class and that it wouldn't matter because nobody learnt anything in those lessons anyway, but he had charms next and he knew he wouldn't go to that lesson either.

He'd stayed in bed until the dormitory started to suffocate him and then got dressed and started walking around the castle aimlessly. It was better than being still, when he was still he thought to hard and that only lead him to bad places. If he was moving he could concentrate on that, and counting each echoing footsteps was preferable to counting the days since it had happened.

Eventually he found himself on the third floor, which was flooded again, and he felt the water soaking through his shoes and into his socks, but again he couldn't bring himself to care. As he rounded the corner a small body crashed into him before he had chance to react. The collision barely jolted Edgar but the girl fell to the floor, causing a splash as the water pooled around her.

Mouth open slightly in shock, it took Edgar a second to react, but a moment later he was on his knees himself, a hand on her arm protectively. "Are you okay?" he asked, noticing the dampness on her cheeks for the first time, and wondering if it was from crying or from the splash."I- I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going." He apologized, ignoring the wetness seeping through his clothes, knowing it must have been ten times worse for the girl he'd just knocked over. "Do you want a hand up?" he asked, feeling rather guilty, and offering a hand to help her up.

ohmymarls-deactivated20150129

I agree, how would you know, I mean the closest your kind will get to a pureblood is if I ever need anything again. But if you’d like, I can sit you down and teach you a lovely lesson on how my kind earn their respect?