itās 1:30am, I have work tomorrow and I canāt seem to get my mind to rest.Ā .. I guess being to tie 4AM over the weekends donāt really help. lolol
My tumblr is a place for me. i donāt have many people on here so I feel safe to be as vulnerable as i need.
Lately, Iāve been struggling.Ā
struggling with social life struggling with work life struggling with being with people struggling with being alone struggling with family struggling with my anxiety everything. is. just. a. struggle.Ā
most of the time Iām okay, when iām with people and distracted i am genuinely happy but there are some days that it really is just so hard to get out of bed, because I know I have to face the world and sometimes, I really just donāt want to. I have so many things to be thankful for in my life but itās literally so hard to be thankful sometimes because the anxiety wonāt go away. Sometimes I think itās because I havenāt quite grasp the concept ofĀ ābeing an adultā because iām stuck being being a grown up and still living life young, sometimes I think itās because Iām stuck between not wanting to be alone and wanting to be alone, sometimes I think itās because thereās so much in the world I havenāt seen but thereās not enough time to see it all, and most of the time, I really just donāt know.Ā
I knew this would come haunt me one day, but I never let myself really grief(?) my break up with Choppa. We broke up the day before I started my job, and there was so much going on at the time that I literally decided not to give myself time to really think about it and let myself feel the heartache, mainly because I didnāt want to feel the heartache. I was the one that chose to let our relationship go, so I didnāt feel the right to feel heartache I mean, I broke his heart after all. There were many reasons leading up to the end of our relationship but one of the reasons was because of my anxiety. I started to question everything, him and myself, I started to lose myself in the relationship and slowly i started to forget what I wanted and what I needed and I knew if I let it go on, it would become a toxic relationship. I wanted to end the relationship onĀ āgood termsā but I guess thereās really no good terms when the end of the relationship isnāt mutual. Sometimes i wish heād fight for me instead of letting me walk away, but I canāt blame him. Iāve gained a lot from the failure of our relationship, I miss his presence but heās changed so much that Iām not sure I want his new presence around - besides being friends, i guess he could say the same too? Sometimes I think about how it would be like if we stayed together, but I feel like we both have so much to look forward to now that, him with his nursing and me with my job, thereās no way we can turn back. we stopped talking to each other for a small period of time, because of misunderstandings i guess idk, but we recently started talking (as friends) again and I did realize how much i enjoyed talking to him. to be honest, idk how long it will last because idk if his future gf or my future bf would fancy the idea of us talking to our exs - and this gives me anxiety. sigh.Ā
Work is hard, most of the time I am at work, I think of all the hours in the day that I am missing out. I go to work at 8AM and I donāt get to see the day until 4:30PM, but the hours that i miss out on, Iām constantly thinking of the things I could be doing. Weekends are too short to do anything and most of the days, I much rather just sleep in. adulting is hard!Ā
Iām thankful for all the people who constantly have my back, and are there for me whenever I need them. I wish there was a better way for me to explain myself when I get anxiety without them feeling like I just donāt want to hang out with them.Ā
anyway, most days are good days, but sometimes, I struggle - and I should be okay with that. Ā
p.s. am i going to get a tattoo? we shall see!
