You are 13 and for as long as you can remember the world has been grey. This doesn't bother you—really, it doesn't—because you can't mourn something you have never experienced.
Being colorblind means your mom picks your outfits and every one of them looks wrong on you, apparently. But it doesn't matter, you've never cared about fashion. You don't look at yourself unless forced to, and even when a mirror is shoved in your face you blend in with the background.
You wouldn't call yourself a sad person but you're not really a happy one either. You feel the same every hour of every day. At night you cry, and you don't like to think about it because you're not sad. You're not much of anything. It's just that when there is nothing to distract you, when there is no one else awake, your mind becomes aware of the absence of a visible light spectrum.
Colorblindness is not something to mourn, so you won't mourn it.
You are 14, and on the first day of summer camp you meet a girl wearing blue jeans and a red plaid shirt, and you feel your cheeks turn pink. It's overwhelming. But she holds your hand and that makes it less scary.
There are brown deer, a yellow sun, foxes with orange coats, and girls with purple dyed hair. When you look in the mirror you realize you are blonde, wearing a green shirt and tan cargo shorts. And you are a person.
Grey scares you more than the blackness of the night or roar of a brown bear. But it's easy to ignore when everywhere around you is flourishing with awaiting adventures. Unless it's night, and even then every achromatic nightmare is eclipsed by a hug from a friend or a bite of green apple at breakfast.
The world is colorful. It's alive and magical; An everlasting rainbow. You understand what it means to be happy now. You don't cry at night anymore.
You are 15 and you are dying. Drowning. Suffocating. You feel yourself turn pale as you watch a sunset without color.
You can't ignore it anymore, you are not nothing and it hurts. You are stabbed through the heart every time you open your eyes, and you bleed dark grey molasses.
You wonder if it was better to be numb. You decide you'd rather crave times long gone then never experience anything you cared about enough to miss. Because when you mourn colorblindness you acknowledge the possibility of a world with color.
bc they all really embody their types and i want to rant about it.
Satou - sp6
Satou is one of my favorite 6s. He's obsessed with the conspiracy worldview Hitomi gave him, and therefor is paranoid about knowing more then he should/(persecuted part of persecuted persecutor). He talks about being a hikikomori like he has no control over it. hes super easily influenced by others and lies to himself about it constantly. And his ending is so interesting.
In highschool his fear manifested as a lack of action(694 imo). he just went though life never investing in it, no need to fear messing up when you don't try. but in collage there was no support system and he couldn't just coast along anymore so he ran away.
He thinks of highschool as the last time things were normal so he looks back on it for answers and remembers hitomi's conspiracy theories. thus the satou we know is born because if there's an evil nhk then he has a reason to be paranoid. hes being targeted in his mind and has some kind of ego around that because they are targeting him for knowing too much(if he knows too much it means he knows the truth and is not left in the dark).
He also really identifies with the label of hikikomori. he will be like "oh yeah, i cant do this bc I'm a hikikomori, i forgot" like its a law of the universe, its crazy! he goes outside to stalk misaki and thinks "I'm not supposed to do this! according to rules I made up! even though I am already out here doing it!"
He's really easily influenced by others, unintentionally joins a suicide pact, and once he realizes its a suicide pact he just goes along with it.
unintentional joins an Multi-level marketing scheme despite KNOWING IT'S AN MLM.
like hes just so malleable, I see why misaki likes him, you can just give him an order and he'll swear to himself it was his idea to do it. its so funny.
He really does denial a lot too. he lies to others badly and lies to himself to convince himself he has control over his actions. he feels fundamentally afraid and distrusts others so he must pretend to trust himself.
And then there's the end. there's 2 parts to his arc's conclusion. the shows overall thesis on being a hikikomori and his personal arc. I'm gonna ignore the thesis and focus on the latter. satou, from the very start, possessed the capacity to get a life. he knew what to do and functioned as a person for years pre-collage. he knew how to get better but he was paralyzed by fear of change, and fear of admitting he doesn't understand the world as much as he thought he did(ie. there is not an evil organization running the world). but when push comes to shove he puts survival over paranoia. ultimately when 6ness shows it cannot work as a method of survival/fails as a coping mechanism he goes out on his own to survive.
That's the first part of his ending. Then he saves misaki. he questions his authority to tell her not to kill herself, because he can't really justify why life is worth living despite The Suffering. but at last decides to abandon rationality and save her. and then does something really interesting. he uses his own narrative/cope for better, he takes control of it. I mean he's so insane about it he jumps off a cliff but this show isn't about absolute happy endings.
The point is, I think ending his arc with "this isn't just my insane explanation of the world to bring me a sense of certainty/safety (but ruin my life in the process). its OUR insane explanation of the world to bring US a sense of certainty/safety" is a really interesting 6 arc.
Misaki - sx2
Misaki really embodies the sx 2 fixation at its worst. A self-worth defined by being needed, wanting to create dependency rather then actually help satou. She's a 2 disintegrating into 8 by trying to control satou via contracts/make him reliant on her/make him love her. She has no sense of value and seeks the love of others to fill the void. She doesn't feel like shes deserving of love so she finds someone worse then her who could be dependent on her.
By framing herself as a savoir she implies divinity and that the one to be saved should be grateful to their charitable angel. basically ' I'm good.(not worthless). I'm helping you. You need me to help you. You should thank me(love me) because I'm helping you). '
When yamazaki moves away misaki has the chance to have everything she wants. not only a transactional relationship were she helps someone but a relationship where the other party needs her and has no one else. because if there was anyone else surely the other person would like them more, because in misaki's mind she is innately worse then (almost)everyone.
The thing with misaki is that she needs satou as well. she was never going to save him, it was never about rescuing him. it was always the trademark heart-type 'insane gambit I will embark on to prove I am not fundamentally unlovable'. its debatable whether she ever believed she was going to help him, but I think subconsciously the intention was never to fix him; it was always to combat the deeply held belief she ruins everything and is better off dead.
Because misaki feels profoundly burdensome. she likes to be around satou both because he relies on her and because he is 'worse' then her. if satou exists as a NEET then she is not the worst person alive, if god exists then she didn't fail to save her mother or please her father or anything else.
But there's no proof god is real. and satou does not need her. Her insane gambit to prove shes not fundamentally broken has fallen apart. Misakis arc ends with 2 things:
for 1, satou brings her into his delusion so it can serve as something to blame her problems on. For 2, she maintains a friendship with satou where he is not dependent on her. sure, they have a 'if you die, I die' thing going on, but aside from that satou doesn't depend on her for, like, actual biological survival needs(like food). misaki has to trust she is worth enough to be around willingly (kind of) (like the contract doesn't make him love her or go bankrupt.)
Hitomi - sp4
Hitomi's character focuses around being unsatisfied despite a perfect life, an attachment to sadness(and her relationship to satou as a part of that). Conspiracy obsession to blame problems on. And ultimately an ending of forcing herself to be allowed to be happy despite the feeling shes letting something go.
Hitomi is not happy, even though there is no clear reason for her to be sad. sure, her boyfriend is busy often but he loves her clearly; additionally this sadness was present in highschool when she asks satou about her dying and its implied she attempted suicide.
She mentions when she thinks of a person with a messed up life she imagines satou- she goes to him to hang out before the suicide pact. satou is also the only person she feels comfortable around when expressing how miserable she is. its also around satou that she talks about conspiracy theories in highschool. I believe for hitomi conspiracies serve as a reason for being unhappy. her life is great, so she points to a conspiracy to justify feeling sad. she doesn't really believe in the conspiracy like satou, its a tool for her to explain her identification with sadness.
Her and satou could never have had a good relationship because he fans the flame of her depression. cutting him off was the best ending she could have gotten, because she has to detach herself from the sadness even if it feels like losing a part of herself(and a friend).
Yamazaki - i dont know
Yamazaki's arc has a few themes. Hating women because he got indirectly rejected 1 time. The belief people like him and satou don't get dramatic deaths/the strong separation of reality vs fiction(and clear preference for fiction). Working to pursue his passion over family assigned role(AFAB yamazaki, Assigned Farmer At Birth). Anti-climatically settling for an uninteresting life as a functioning alcoholic on the farm w/a trad wife.
Yamazaki is such a hater. i think he might be an sx4(witch would mean satou's social circle consists entirely of heart types, witch explains a lot). he was stood up once as a kid and developed a narrative of all women being bad. he ignores contradictory evidence unless of course its a girl being nice to him in witch case the cope is no longer necessary. he's passionate about his interests and for sure kinda a weirdo, and he identifies with being a weird otaku. his final interaction with nanako(?)(the girl he liked) was him internationally sabotaging the friendship by being genuinely really shitty to her, instead of. like. saying bye? he had to show off how fucked up and unique he is I guess. he's socially rejected and its everyone's(particularly women's) fault.
Except maybe he's not a 4? he rejects the dramatic even though he prefers it. like he both identifies with abnormality and confines himself to mundanity. its so weird but not contradictory. he understands real life isn't a story and that specifically is why he prefers fiction(satisfying arcs and unrealistically charitable girls and all that). I guess it goes against the seeking to be special snowflakes part of 4ness but also maybe this is another way of identifying with suffering? idk.
His story ends with giving up on his dreams, accepting normality and making the most of it, its a very 4-coded arc conclusion. but who knows.
remember when i had tiktok and the most noteworthy thing i did with it was pretend with all i had that i didnt know and had never heard of any anime other than baccano
a detailed explanation of every anime ive ever watched bc i feel like it
first of all no hate to ppl who like the stuff i trashed on here, same goes for ppl disliking the things i glazed. technically my first anime was pokemon -but thats everyone's first so ill be brief. my fav series was pokemon black & white, xy and xyz were pretty good but nothing compared to b&w.
as a kid i also loved glitter force and lolirock! not much to say i jst love cartoons. ok real post time:
in 4th grade i was really into animation story time youtubers; especially wolfichu. i NEEDED to have her artstyle. so around that time she among others had mentioned in passing tokyo mew mew, so i found a dub of it on youtube.
tokyo mew mew was okay, i wasnt invested in it i juast watched it to be more like wolfichu. i barely got like 5-10 eps in before i forgot ab it and moved on; deciding i would simply not like anime and draw in an anime artsyle in harmony.
and so i didnt watch anime for the next 2 years. i think i told people i did to be cool(i was not cool) but alas, i was a poser. in 7th grade i was online way more and saw ppl talking about anime a lot, so i made a big list of all the ones people told me to watch and decided i would watch them in the summer of 2021
a bit before summer my bff recommended i watch a silent voice. i really liked it, not much to say, its p fuckin good! i really like Shoko's design.
okay summer time-- first on the watch list was the promised neverland; i got though it in a day and felt mildly positive towards it. it was interesting when i connected it to my favorite comic at the time (space boy) but i didnt wanna rewatch.
then there was mha. my bff really liked it at the time so i did have motivation to watch it- but i felt nothing twords the plot and characters. i watched the first 3 seasons but i rember none of it bc i was so distracted and bord the whole time. no hate to mha fans!! i really wanted to get into it; but i once again came to the conclusion i am not a person who likes anime.
i focused on watching other cartoons for a while but my bff got really into attack on titan; so i said over and over i would watch it but never actually did. technically this doesnt count but i know the whole plot form he sending well structured wikipedia esc infodumps about it. so im mentioning it, sue me i dare you.
i also watched the first season of saki k. it wasnt outstanding but it was funny enough.
a good bit into 2022 i saw people on tiktok talking about watamote, it seemed interesting enough, so i watched it. i liked it more then any anime id seen before(spare a silent voice and pokemon). it wasnt really an interest, i had no further thoughts about it, it was pretty funny and the ending song is a fucking banger witch is still on all my playlists!
durring 8th grade i was also forced by my friend-at-the-time to watch komi cant communicate. now, at first i was told to watch the sub(as the dub wasn't out yet). i dont watch subs. i cant watch them at all, i read slow and there is no enjoyment for me and i dont care about the voice acting i need it out loud. but as mentioned komi had no dub for a while so i sat though the first ep and then gave up. months later; dub was out and i watched it. it was fineeee. standered. it was what i expected; i didnt really like it but i didnt hate it. i was just a person who didnt like anime. no changing that.
until-
around the end of my 8th grade year or beginning of my freshman year i saw someone on tiktok talking about school live club! it sounded really interesting so i watched it- and oh my god. i loved it. to this day i love it. SPOILERS!!: the other girls playing into Yukis delusions for their own peace of mind was fascinating. every characters personal story-- the twist with Megumi-- the depiction of ptsd with Kurumi-- the ending--- i loved it.
so naturally, i assumed it was one of a kind and i simply was not a person who liked anime.
during my freshman year i watched madoka magica. i was recommended it by a friend and it statemented itself as the second anime i turly loved. after madoka i started looking for anime i like again
bloom into you hit me on a personal level, it was like a truck that hit my face saying "hey, this is a kinda relationship that is possible", witch as of me figuring out im aroace has been more relivent to me then ever. i have trouble loving people so the idea of somone wanting a relationship because ill never romantically love them is smth i hope for- but obvi might not happen i just like that its possible.
summer before 10th grade-- i was at my fist con and decided if i couldn't find anything to buy i would at least network. i met a really cool artist and chatted with her for a while. she had a keychain i thought was cute so i asked her what it was from. thus my introduction to bochi the rock! and god, it i really wanted to like bochi. i loved guitar and wanted to learn it; i loved her design; the premise want miserably boring; i wanted to like it! but there was no dub, and god i cannot watch subs, its pathetic but i had to drop it.
during the first semester of my junior year i was still working on the future is blue. i mention this because apon seeing an anime with almost the same premise as my comic, i had to watch it. a lull in the sea was an interesting premise for sure, but i never actually finished it. the seris main theme is fish people face xenophobia, but what stuck out to me most was a pattern i noticed with how people treated the heroin. (this is from memory so i might get stuff wrong) i had BEEF with that way Manaka was constantly infanatalized by her friends. the main character constantly treats her like an idiot who is hopless without him. when she comes home crying after being cat-called by some old pos she is told shes being dramatic. like, no wonder she got close with the fisher boy so quickly, HES NICE TO HER!! still id rewatch it in theory if i have time.
and then there was talentless nana. the game changer.
There are three triads in the enneagram: heart, head, and gut. All consist of three enneagrams, which represent the core's fixation.
Heart triad consists of enneagrams 2, 3, and 4, and the fixation of this triad is shame. 2 externalizes shame, 3 represses shame, and 4 internalizes it.
People belonging to heart triad deal with self-hatred and try to gain love and approval from others.
Head triad consists of enneagrams 5, 6, and 7, and the fixation of this triad is fear. 5 internalizes fear, 6 externalizes fear, and 7 represses it.
People belonging to head triad deal with paranoia, anxiety, and suspicion of the world.
Gut triad consists of enneagrams 8, 9, and 1, and the fixation of this triad is anger. 8 externalizes fear, 9 represses fear, and 1 internalizes it.
People belonging to gut triad deal with anger in different ways, but they all view the world as a dangerous, flawed place.
