Just stared writing the third chapter! This time I won’t be putting up any deadline, since i won’t hold myself to it anyway… ( don’t worry I’ll try to finish it asap!!) Thank you guys so much for the love and support for the first two chapters, it means a ton <3
As far as i know, there wasn’t a lot revealed about the winter court/the mountain home.. I’ll try my best to write an understandable scenery and even add a few new characters! I hope you enjoy and thank you guys so much!!
childhood friend / best friend! azriel x reader ⠀‿ ࿔ since everything that has occurred with the transformation from humans into fae of the two Archeron sisters, you can't seem to contain the jealousy over Elain when it comes to your best friend Azriel, after he has been spending dusk and dawn trying to get her attention.
tw: angst, one-sided love (?… maybe, maybe not… we’ll see how it goes :3), incorrect orthography & grammar since English is my third language, insecure reader (because who isn’t), reader kinda hates Nesta & Elain, reader is a bit of a bitch, no use of ‘y/n’, all characters are kinda ooc, platonic (brotherly) relationships with Cassian and Rhys <3
a/n: I took longer than expected to write the second part and I’m really sorry about that! I’m also not very satisfied with it but I hope the next chapter will be better!!
CHAPTER O1 CHAPTER O3
In the last week of you staying in Velaris, you made it a habit of ignoring Azriel and Cassian after the incident that took place in the latter's room. You didn't even have a real reason for ignoring Cass, but the way he so blatantly lied about Aziel's behavior aggravated you. Everyone seemed to be excited for your opportunity and departure into the Winter Court except the Shadowsinger. Azriel, who was already minimizing his contact with you prior to the day you cried about his stoic demeanor, in regards to your upcoming travel, seemed to thrive without you. You would hear him and Elain sitting in the garden, under your balcony. Laughing, working, "wrestling", or whatever they were doing. Somehow you felt like he was doing it on purpose. Taunting and showing you that he didn't and never needed you, that Elain always was and always will be a better "company" to have around. In times like these, you chose to occupy yourself in the library, sometimes even meeting Nesta sitting in your usual seat. The presence of the Archeon sisters didn't annoy as much as it did the weeks before. The eldest sister even recommended you some very enticing books for you to read, one you now cherished deeply and would reread while taking care of Viviane and her unborn child.
You've had your suitcase packed with all the things you need ever since that day. Rhysand informed you that any utensils you would need in regards to being Viviane's midwife, would be assigned to you in the winter court. You have never felt this exited and scared at the same time. You knew you were qualified for this position the fearfulness and anxiety you were currently experiencing though wasn't directed towards the stress you were about to endure in the Mountain Home. You were frightened that the life you knew and loved in Vellaris would continue to live without you. That Rhysand, Feyra, Mor and the whole inner circle would thrive without you. You even though about Madja, what if your mentor would find a new and better apprentice? But most of all, even if you despised his current behavior, you feared the departure from Azriel. You weren't a person that resented others, you just got irritated quickly. And you just couldn't resent Azriel one bit. After all you met your current family through him. He build your life and you were eternally grateful for it, even if it seemed like he regretted every second you two spent together. Like he regretted meeting you. Like he regretted the day the mother made you two friends.
Your current relationship with him though, was no where near friendly. Not even the term 'stranger' would be able to cover your relationship with the Shadowsinger. He acted like you were infected with some sort of sickness. Leaving the room instantly when he saw, heard or felt you enter. He even switched seats with Mor at the dinner table, now sitting parallel to Elain and on the completely opposite side of your table end.
Even Cassian put more work in interacting with you than your former ‘best fiend’. Reaching out to you on multiple occasions. Leavening notes in rooms or spaces he knew you occupied yourself. Three days ago you found a note with his rough handwriting with the question:
"Have you eaten today? I noticed you skipped meals. - C"
You never reached out to him though. He tried multiple times to engage in a conversation with you, you never allowed him to. It was always the same. Whenever your eyes would meet, he would smile, then march over to you and either ask about your day, if you have eaten or what you were doing. Sometimes you would answer honestly, other times you would role your eyes an leave the room. Something about him protecting Azriels behavior made your skin crawl.
You knew that Cassian and Azriel had a very deep and special bond. The two of them have found comfort as well as a brother in each other.
You didn't even know why you pulled Cassian in this whole ordeal and started blaming him for the Spymasters behavior. Maybe it was the feeling of being betrayed and feeling like you were pushed into a corner of forgiveness towards Az'. Maybe it was the realization that even after spending decades with the inner circle, no one really saw you as family as rest did towards each other. Cass' and Azriel had each others backs. Mor was busy with pursuing a high fae named Elysia, and was quite successful in doing so. Rhysand had Feyra. And you used to have Azriel but that was no longer mutual.
You have had your luggage packed from the first day of the week, impatiently yearning to be freed by the situation going on at home.
Now, the day has finally come. You were standing by the entrance of the House of Wind, suitcase in hand, ready to be winnowed away.
So there you stood, full with excitement and regret of not being able to talk normally with the two people you once and still adore. The first one to hug you and shed tears was Mor. The female not leaving you any room to breathe, was hysterically crying about the nerve you had about leaving her alone with "these brutes". Rhys needed to push her off of you to even be able to see you face. He obviously also bade you farewell. You think out of all of them he was the most distraught about your departure. "If anything doesn't go as planned, write me. I'll bring you back home personally if you even feel a sliver of discomfort." He said in such a formal and direct manner that you would have thought he sees your departure as a hassle, if it weren't for his red eyes and his constant snuffling.
"Rhys, you are making such a big deal out of me leaving for only 10 Months! Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you that."
Your answer didn’t change his demeanor. Instead of nodding or verbally affirming your answer he rapidly hugged you as tight as possible. You may have not studied psychology but you knew your fair bit about his trauma, especially when it comes to the issues you also shared. Rhysand had a massive fear of abandonment and so did you, you just showed it differently. The High Lord would be able to break your ribs with the tight grasp he had around your body, resting his head on top of yours. “Please write… I want to know your okay. Even if it’s just a small random side note about the Mountain House.”, he whispered.
You were a bit taken aback, Rhys didn’t like to show his more vulnerable side. Didn’t matter if it was in front of his ‘brothers’ or his mate but still, the words rolled off your tongue like honey. “Always.”
A short but honest confirmation of the special bond found between you two. You love Rhys, you really did. He loved you. The kind of family you found in each other would be never broken or replaced by any man or high fae. There was just this understanding between the two of you nobody could break.
Slowly but surely, he pulled away. Reaching for your right cheek and patting it twice, in the gentles way. He rotated his body which allowed you to see a rugged Illyrian male standing behind him. Cassian. He was nervously tugging at pieces of his hair, which you perceived as the oddest gesture you’ve ever seen him do. “I wanted to say goodbye-“
Without thinking you reached towards him. Hugging him.
Not in a way that made his lungs scream for air. Not in a way that would make his ribs howl from pain. But in a way that ached for forgiveness.
You rested the side of his face on his chest. Body and soul telling you to apologize, begging you to look at his reaction. ‘I was a bitch, I’m sorry. I should have reacted this way.’ That’s how easy it could be. But your body refused. You just stood there, your arms around his torso, embracing the warmth and the slow creeping of his hands on your back.
Cassian froze for a fraction of a second, his body rigid with surprise, before his massive arms enveloped you completely. He buried his chin into the top of your hair, releasing a shaky sigh that sounded suspiciously like pure relief. "You don't have to say it," he murmured into the crown of your head, his voice thick as he squeezed you against his chest. "Just take care of yourself out there. And eat your damn meals." A watery laugh escaped your lips against his leather armor, the unspoken apology settling between you, understood and forgiven without another word.
When Cassian reluctantly stepped back, your eyes instinctively darted toward the shadowed balcony, searching for the one male who hadn't joined the circle.
He was standing beneath the archway, draped in darkness that clung to his broad shoulders like a heavy cloak. Azriel hadn't stepped into the morning sunlight. He remained anchored in the gloom, his shadows thrashing around his wrists in frantic, silent agitation while his face remained a mask of stone.
His hazel eyes locked onto yours, intense and unreadable, betraying none of the lighthearted laughter you had heard echoing beneath your balcony all week.
Your heart thudded violently against your ribs. You stayed frozen, desperately praying for him to take a single step forward. For any kind of gesture, the quiet brush of a wing, anything to prove that the years you built together hadn't been entirely erased.
Azriel didn't move.
Yet, as Feyre stepped up to take your hand and initiate the winnowing spell, you caught the sharp, desperate flare of his siphons. A harsh light burning through his dark appearance .
"Ready?" Feyre asked softly, her fingers warm against yours.
You gave a faint nod, refusing to break eye contact with the Shadowsinger. Just as the magic folded around you, pulling you toward the crisp, icy air of the Winter Court, Azriel took one half-step into the light. His lips parted, and though no sound carried across the wind, you read the silent words as clear as day: ‘Please come back’
Then, Velaris vanished, leaving you alone in the cold.
Tag List ❤︎ 𔓐𑇓 @littleemissperfecttt @marquiserose @shadowdaddysworld @casey1-2007 @alexof90s
Just stared writing the third chapter! This time I won’t be putting up any deadline, since i won’t hold myself to it anyway… ( don’t worry I’ll try to finish it asap!!) Thank you guys so much for the love and support for the first two chapters, it means a ton <3
As far as i know, there wasn’t a lot revealed about the winter court/the mountain home.. I’ll try my best to write an understandable scenery and even add a few new characters! I hope you enjoy and thank you guys so much!!
childhood friend / best friend! azriel x reader ⠀‿ ࿔ since everything that has occurred with the transformation from humans into fae of the two Archeron sisters, you can't seem to contain the jealousy over Elain when it comes to your best friend Azriel, after he has been spending dusk and dawn trying to get her attention.
tw: angst, one-sided love (?… maybe, maybe not… we’ll see how it goes :3), incorrect orthography & grammar since English is my third language, insecure reader (because who isn’t), reader kinda hates Nesta & Elain, reader is a bit of a bitch, no use of ‘y/n’, all characters are kinda ooc, platonic (brotherly) relationships with Cassian and Rhys <3
a/n: I took longer than expected to write the second part and I’m really sorry about that! I’m also not very satisfied with it but I hope the next chapter will be better!!
CHAPTER O1 CHAPTER O3
In the last week of you staying in Velaris, you made it a habit of ignoring Azriel and Cassian after the incident that took place in the latter's room. You didn't even have a real reason for ignoring Cass, but the way he so blatantly lied about Aziel's behavior aggravated you. Everyone seemed to be excited for your opportunity and departure into the Winter Court except the Shadowsinger. Azriel, who was already minimizing his contact with you prior to the day you cried about his stoic demeanor, in regards to your upcoming travel, seemed to thrive without you. You would hear him and Elain sitting in the garden, under your balcony. Laughing, working, "wrestling", or whatever they were doing. Somehow you felt like he was doing it on purpose. Taunting and showing you that he didn't and never needed you, that Elain always was and always will be a better "company" to have around. In times like these, you chose to occupy yourself in the library, sometimes even meeting Nesta sitting in your usual seat. The presence of the Archeon sisters didn't annoy as much as it did the weeks before. The eldest sister even recommended you some very enticing books for you to read, one you now cherished deeply and would reread while taking care of Viviane and her unborn child.
You've had your suitcase packed with all the things you need ever since that day. Rhysand informed you that any utensils you would need in regards to being Viviane's midwife, would be assigned to you in the winter court. You have never felt this exited and scared at the same time. You knew you were qualified for this position the fearfulness and anxiety you were currently experiencing though wasn't directed towards the stress you were about to endure in the Mountain Home. You were frightened that the life you knew and loved in Vellaris would continue to live without you. That Rhysand, Feyra, Mor and the whole inner circle would thrive without you. You even though about Madja, what if your mentor would find a new and better apprentice? But most of all, even if you despised his current behavior, you feared the departure from Azriel. You weren't a person that resented others, you just got irritated quickly. And you just couldn't resent Azriel one bit. After all you met your current family through him. He build your life and you were eternally grateful for it, even if it seemed like he regretted every second you two spent together. Like he regretted meeting you. Like he regretted the day the mother made you two friends.
Your current relationship with him though, was no where near friendly. Not even the term 'stranger' would be able to cover your relationship with the Shadowsinger. He acted like you were infected with some sort of sickness. Leaving the room instantly when he saw, heard or felt you enter. He even switched seats with Mor at the dinner table, now sitting parallel to Elain and on the completely opposite side of your table end.
Even Cassian put more work in interacting with you than your former ‘best fiend’. Reaching out to you on multiple occasions. Leavening notes in rooms or spaces he knew you occupied yourself. Three days ago you found a note with his rough handwriting with the question:
"Have you eaten today? I noticed you skipped meals. - C"
You never reached out to him though. He tried multiple times to engage in a conversation with you, you never allowed him to. It was always the same. Whenever your eyes would meet, he would smile, then march over to you and either ask about your day, if you have eaten or what you were doing. Sometimes you would answer honestly, other times you would role your eyes an leave the room. Something about him protecting Azriels behavior made your skin crawl.
You knew that Cassian and Azriel had a very deep and special bond. The two of them have found comfort as well as a brother in each other.
You didn't even know why you pulled Cassian in this whole ordeal and started blaming him for the Spymasters behavior. Maybe it was the feeling of being betrayed and feeling like you were pushed into a corner of forgiveness towards Az'. Maybe it was the realization that even after spending decades with the inner circle, no one really saw you as family as rest did towards each other. Cass' and Azriel had each others backs. Mor was busy with pursuing a high fae named Elysia, and was quite successful in doing so. Rhysand had Feyra. And you used to have Azriel but that was no longer mutual.
You have had your luggage packed from the first day of the week, impatiently yearning to be freed by the situation going on at home.
Now, the day has finally come. You were standing by the entrance of the House of Wind, suitcase in hand, ready to be winnowed away.
So there you stood, full with excitement and regret of not being able to talk normally with the two people you once and still adore. The first one to hug you and shed tears was Mor. The female not leaving you any room to breathe, was hysterically crying about the nerve you had about leaving her alone with "these brutes". Rhys needed to push her off of you to even be able to see you face. He obviously also bade you farewell. You think out of all of them he was the most distraught about your departure. "If anything doesn't go as planned, write me. I'll bring you back home personally if you even feel a sliver of discomfort." He said in such a formal and direct manner that you would have thought he sees your departure as a hassle, if it weren't for his red eyes and his constant snuffling.
"Rhys, you are making such a big deal out of me leaving for only 10 Months! Nothing bad is going to happen, I promise you that."
Your answer didn’t change his demeanor. Instead of nodding or verbally affirming your answer he rapidly hugged you as tight as possible. You may have not studied psychology but you knew your fair bit about his trauma, especially when it comes to the issues you also shared. Rhysand had a massive fear of abandonment and so did you, you just showed it differently. The High Lord would be able to break your ribs with the tight grasp he had around your body, resting his head on top of yours. “Please write… I want to know your okay. Even if it’s just a small random side note about the Mountain House.”, he whispered.
You were a bit taken aback, Rhys didn’t like to show his more vulnerable side. Didn’t matter if it was in front of his ‘brothers’ or his mate but still, the words rolled off your tongue like honey. “Always.”
A short but honest confirmation of the special bond found between you two. You love Rhys, you really did. He loved you. The kind of family you found in each other would be never broken or replaced by any man or high fae. There was just this understanding between the two of you nobody could break.
Slowly but surely, he pulled away. Reaching for your right cheek and patting it twice, in the gentles way. He rotated his body which allowed you to see a rugged Illyrian male standing behind him. Cassian. He was nervously tugging at pieces of his hair, which you perceived as the oddest gesture you’ve ever seen him do. “I wanted to say goodbye-“
Without thinking you reached towards him. Hugging him.
Not in a way that made his lungs scream for air. Not in a way that would make his ribs howl from pain. But in a way that ached for forgiveness.
You rested the side of his face on his chest. Body and soul telling you to apologize, begging you to look at his reaction. ‘I was a bitch, I’m sorry. I should have reacted this way.’ That’s how easy it could be. But your body refused. You just stood there, your arms around his torso, embracing the warmth and the slow creeping of his hands on your back.
Cassian froze for a fraction of a second, his body rigid with surprise, before his massive arms enveloped you completely. He buried his chin into the top of your hair, releasing a shaky sigh that sounded suspiciously like pure relief. "You don't have to say it," he murmured into the crown of your head, his voice thick as he squeezed you against his chest. "Just take care of yourself out there. And eat your damn meals." A watery laugh escaped your lips against his leather armor, the unspoken apology settling between you, understood and forgiven without another word.
When Cassian reluctantly stepped back, your eyes instinctively darted toward the shadowed balcony, searching for the one male who hadn't joined the circle.
He was standing beneath the archway, draped in darkness that clung to his broad shoulders like a heavy cloak. Azriel hadn't stepped into the morning sunlight. He remained anchored in the gloom, his shadows thrashing around his wrists in frantic, silent agitation while his face remained a mask of stone.
His hazel eyes locked onto yours, intense and unreadable, betraying none of the lighthearted laughter you had heard echoing beneath your balcony all week.
Your heart thudded violently against your ribs. You stayed frozen, desperately praying for him to take a single step forward. For any kind of gesture, the quiet brush of a wing, anything to prove that the years you built together hadn't been entirely erased.
Azriel didn't move.
Yet, as Feyre stepped up to take your hand and initiate the winnowing spell, you caught the sharp, desperate flare of his siphons. A harsh light burning through his dark appearance .
"Ready?" Feyre asked softly, her fingers warm against yours.
You gave a faint nod, refusing to break eye contact with the Shadowsinger. Just as the magic folded around you, pulling you toward the crisp, icy air of the Winter Court, Azriel took one half-step into the light. His lips parted, and though no sound carried across the wind, you read the silent words as clear as day: ‘Please come back’
Then, Velaris vanished, leaving you alone in the cold.
Tag List ❤︎ 𔓐𑇓 @littleemissperfecttt @marquiserose @shadowdaddysworld @casey1-2007 @alexof90s
Rough draft has been stared for the second part of “shed some light on me, please”… so far, I have no clue if this story will be a duology or will become a series. I apologies in advance for any kind of delay for the second part, I haven’t written in a year and just found my passion for it again!
I’m grateful for everyone that has interacted with the first part and will finish it asap! I obviously write and edit my fics on my own (sometimes/oftentimes with the help of a friend) but considering that I’m still recovering from a surgery and school work I need to finish, it might take a while…
Again, thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate it <3
a feel like the new generation of fanfic readers NEED to understand that clicking on a fic (interaction) does nothing. ao3 has no algorithm. your private discord discussions of fic do not reach the authors. if you do not actively engage with writers they will stop posting. this isn’t social media this is community.
Rough draft has been stared for the second part of “shed some light on me, please”… so far, I have no clue if this story will be a duology or will become a series. I apologies in advance for any kind of delay for the second part, I haven’t written in a year and just found my passion for it again!
I’m grateful for everyone that has interacted with the first part and will finish it asap! I obviously write and edit my fics on my own (sometimes/oftentimes with the help of a friend) but considering that I’m still recovering from a surgery and school work I need to finish, it might take a while…
Again, thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate it <3
childhood friend / best friend! azriel x reader ⠀‿ ࿔ since everything that has occurred with the transformation from humans into fae of the two Archeron sisters, you can't seem to contain the jealousy over Elain when it comes to your best friend Azriel, after he has been spending dusk and dawn trying to get her attention.
tw: angst, one-sided love (?), incorrect orthography & grammar since English is my third language, insecure reader (because who isn’t), reader kinda hates Nesta & Elain, reader is a bit of a bitch, no use of ‘y/n’, all characters are kinda ooc
a/n: title if from the song “my moon my man” by feist. first time writing for acotar, please be nice… <3
You and Azriel grew up together, in a way initiated by fate. You healed his wounds, and he braided your hair. You kept him company at night, when his night terrors crept in. He held your hand and defended you when someone accused you of stealing. A perfect harmonious relationship. Growing up poor in Velaris was torture but the little shadowboy kept you company and you returned the favor.
Growing up together meant that every hour he was allowed out of his cell, he took the opportunity to visit you. Growing up together meant that you would overlook his scarred hands and hold them anyway. Growing up together meant that he took you with him to the Illyrian training camps, because he just couldn’t leave you behind to rot. It meant forming a relationship with Cassian and Rhysand, as well as the latter’s mother, which developed quickly into a family dynamic between you all. Once Rhysand became the high lord of the night court, he opened his arms and welcomed you into his inner circle.
You didn’t have a distinct role in the night court, you just helped whenever help was needed. Your work relied mostly on working under madja, the high fae, who always appreciated your presence and aid.
A thing you couldn’t decipher though, was the growing affection between your closest friend and the high lady’s sister. You never had a problem with the Archerons and you even enjoyed having daily conversations with Feyre after Rhys took her to the house of wind. You would even describe the relationship between you and the now high lady as friends, though you didn’t know if she reciprocated the feeling. Your sole problem revolved around her sisters. Nesta spat cruel words at everyone and Elain just stood like a sheep beside her, as if no thoughts were present behind her eyes. You would even say that you disdained them for their lack of character and the way they treated Feyre when they were still human.
The current scenario developing right in front of your eyes didn’t help with the contempt you felt towards Elain. She was crouching in front of the rose bushes right outside your window and taking care of them, Azriel helping her every step of the way. You weren’t a jealous person and to be honest, the idea of being jealous over a potential love interest for your best friend was humorous. Even the little things she did, like humming a melody while watering plants or just sitting in your usual chair at the dinner table made your skin crawl with disgust. Why do you hate her so much? She never even slightly raised her voice at you and was always bowing with respect when crossing paths with you. Maybe that was the problem. That you feel towards her so negatively while she regards you as someone with a high standard.
“What's up with you? Are you sulking?" a very familiar voice called out to you. Before you could turn around to identify where the voice came from, Cassian was already leaning on your balcony right next to you.
“Why would I be sulking? I’m just enjoying the view.” A hum escaped his lips as he glanced towards the bushes below your window. “The view huh?” you nod while following his eyes. Azriel was now crouching behind Elain, his broad body engulfing hers as he lay his hands on top of hers as they cut certain rose stems. Azriel never felt comfortable touching others with his bare hands, at least that’s what he told you. Once your younger self realised that he instinctively always reached for your hands whenever he felt uncomfortable, you assumed you were an exception. Not anymore.
Grabbing Cassian by his arms and shooing him away from the sight was the only thing currently racing through your mind. You closed the balcony windows abruptly, leaving him raising a brow at you. “You know, pouting doesn’t suit you,” he stated. You turned around to face him, heat racing to your face. How come traits like pouting or shyness were rewarded and praised in other females by men but when you did something in that regard, it ‘didn’t suit you’? You squinted your eyes at the male, embarrassment turning into anger. “What is that supposed to mean?!” you said. a sigh leaving the Illyrian male's lips, “I didn’t mean it as a reproach or something, I just think the expression you’re currently holding is far hotter!”, he said raising his hands in defeat. A big smirk now plastered on his face. Cassian always had a way of undoing your anger. You would describe him as an annoying older brother figure, since he took care of you in ways Azriel didn’t.
In the past months of the Archeron siblings turning into fae, you started feeling territorial of your childhood friend. The way he was solemnly focused on Elain brought rage over you.
“Does Rhys need me or why did you barge into my room?”, You questioned the male in front of you, crossing your arms. “Why? can't I just check on my lil’ sis?”, he said, that bright smirk never leaving his lips. You were used to being called ‘little sister’ and other variations of that nickname by Cassian and Rhys, sometimes even by Mor. Ariel never followed their lead, preferring to call you ‘starlight’ or sometimes ‘little star’. Now that you think about it, he hasn't called you those names in what felt like an eternity. Had he come up with nicknames for Elain instead? Was he calling her by his assigned names for you? Would he dare to call her ‘his starlight’?
Seemingly noticing that you were currently spiraling, Cassian sighed. “Actually, yeah. Rhys asked to speak with you. Plus I never barged into your room. I knocked twice, mind you but apparently you didn't seem to notice” he let his eyes trail towards the balcony once more. “Fine, I’ll meet him in a second.”, turning around to close the drapes in front of the giant balcony windows. “Let me get changed first, I literally just woke up.” Cassian seemed to get the message you tried to convey and left your bedroom almost instantly, closing the door behind him.
You didn't just wake up, that was a lie but after noticing what was happening in the garden beneath you, you just couldn't pry your eyes away from Azriel’s and Elain’s intertwined hands and forgot to change out of your night robe.
The atmosphere drastically shifted when you entered the High Lord's study. Rhysand was crouching over his desk, fingers tugged in his dark locks of hair while scrolls of paper were sprawled all across the room. “Explain to me why Kallias has requested my little sister as his mate's midwife?” You’ve met Kallias and Viviane before and they have been an amazing couple and company to have. Rhys fawned over you when you first met them and praised your skilled hands in the medical field. “Maybe because you’ve kept praising me on my work when I first met them, maybe you left a lasting impression.”, you stated a matter of fact.
Rhysand has not only been calling you ‘his sister’, but he has also always felt nostalgic towards his biological sister when he sees and talks to you. He confessed his grief to you once on a drunken night, stating that you resembled her in multiple ways, and how glad he was to take care of someone so similar to his deceased sister. It made you a bit uncomfortable back then, but you realised that this grief he experienced over her, was numbed by your presence. Even if it made you uncomfortable, who were you to dictate how to grieve a lost loved one? After some time passed, you embraced Rhysand's clinginess and protectiveness over you.
“You know I prefer having you safe and sound here at the House of Wind, don’t you? So why would I grant the high lord of winter permission to claim my sis as his midwife for 10 whole months?” He didn’t look at you, folding the pieces of scattered rolls neatly and reorganising his desk, a habit when he felt nervous or unsure. “Viviane and Kallias are kind people and treated us only with respect, denying their requests could build hatred. Accepting their request would form a lifelong bond,” you said while picking up the scattered pieces of paper from the floor and stacking them according to the date written on their top left corner. “I know I’m not very indulged in the medical field but I also know that I can handle this assignment. I have a true passion for it as well as the training for it, and I know you are aware of that as well.”
When finishing picking up the documents and rearranging them chronologically, you stepped next to your high lord. Laying the stack of various reports right in front of him. As you were eyeing him from the side and laying your arms around his shoulders, he breathed out a sigh. “So you would enjoy a task like this?” “I would be honoured to help deliver and care for the Winter Courts heir.”
He turned to you, smiling faintly and nodding. “I’ll inform them. You will be leaving in a week. I hope you have enough time to prepare.” You grinned, a real big assignment had never been given to you before, and proving your worth and skill while helping to bring such a delicate life to earth would be the greatest accomplishment for you. You had a passion for helping others, seeing someone in pain or in desperate need of help always caught your attention.
You turned to leave Rhysand’s study, desperately searching for madja or cassian to break the news to, sprinting down the steps from the main floor and skipping towards the corridor you knew Cassians and Azriels rooms were. You used to sleep in Azriels massive bed for a while, comforted by the proximity you were given in your sleep by his warm body. Though in the last few weeks he hadn’t been staying in his room. You didn’t want to know where he occupied himself.
Barging through Cassians door with the biggest grin plastered on your face, you screamed, “Guess what just happened!” through the room, not noticing the brooding Azriel sitting on Cassians bed. Both Illyrians seemed to stare holes in you, the blush creeping across your cheeks while muttering a small apology made your senses heightened. The desperate holding of the door handle seamed to burn against your palm. “Didn’t you just yell at me a few minutes ago about apparently baring into your room? Ironic isn’t it?” Cassian purred. He stood in front of Azriel. The shadowsinger still sitting on the bed, back arched and his finger intertwined nervously on his lap. “I already apologized! I’m sorry okay? Are you guys still busy or can I now break the best news I’ve ever received to you?” Cassian sighed, crossed his arms, and finally turned away from the still nervous-looking Azriel. The Shadowsinger not making any move to indicate being interested in the story you are about to tell. He seemed to be more interested in his cuticles, violently picking at the delicate skin while he avoided your gaze. "Go on," Cassian said with a teasing smirk, though it seemed forced since the way he gazed at you felt tired and dismissive.
Noticing the uncomfortable mood in the room, you stuttered. "Uhm, so… Rhys' asked if I wanted to go to the winter court to help with the delivery of Viviane and Kallias' child and I said yes." You felt your prior excitement vanish with every word you uttered. You felt so dumb after explaining the reason behind your previous joyful behavior to the two males, who now stared holes in you. "It's not that important to be honest. I didn't mean to disturb you-" "You're leaving us?", Azriel interrupted. His eyebrows furrowing right in front of your eyes. Cassian whirled to the other man quickly, glaring at him then turning back to you with pure pride in his eyes. "I'm so proud of you sweetheart. We all know how much this means to you." His last words were laced with venom while he turned his gaze back to Azriel, glaring once more at the male. The latter had now stopped picking at his cuticles and instead, started violently biting at them.
You felt big, warm drops of water welling up in your eyes after realizing that your best friend, for whom you felt such adoration for, turned into a stranger sitting on Cassians bed, not being able to look into your eyes and acting like you were the biggest burden.
Azriel looked at you, now noticing the red rimed eyes, the slumped shoulders as well as the silent tears trickling down your chin, staining your skin with wet trails. You quickly averted your eyes from him, staring holes into the ground. Now you were the one picking at your hands and nails. "Yeah, I thought it was a great opportunity.", you stated, focusing only on Cassian. "I also thought that it might be nice to visit other courts. You guys Travel a lot and I am always here- I don't know, I just thought it might be nice." Before you could think about bolting right through the bedroom door out of embarrassment, Azriel stood up and did the exact same thing you were just thinking of.
The sadness you just felt towards his dismissive attitude vanished instantly and disgust slowly crept in your bones, how dare he be annoyed about you leaving the night court, when he was the one ignoring you for the past month. How dare he act discussed by the opportunity you've prayed ages for even though he knew how much it meant to you, even though he spent hundreds of nights with you, when you spoke to him about your dreams of being really indulged in the medical field and to finally stop being just an apprentice. He always shared and listened to your wishes and dreams with such fondness and validated them, preaching of your future and stating that you would deserve every possible and positive outcome to your life that fate threw at you.
The way he was now acting towards you was nowhere near familiar and quite disgusting. "What the hell is his problem?!" You yelled at Cassian, not being able to keep you emotions under control and being one hundred percent sure that the shadowsinger was able to hear you with the door wide open and the loudness of your voice. "You don't act that way towards your supposed best friend! What on earth have I done to him to deserve this kind of response from him?! He didn't seem happy at all! And don't you dare tell me that I'm just imagining his condescending attitude towards me, Cassian! He never acted this way towards me ever!" You were somehow able to stop your ranting, facing Cassian with thick trails of salt covering your cheeks and skin, teeth and fists clenched together. Your whole body was vibrating with anger, the former happiness now completely leaving your body leaving only despair and exhaustion.
You least felt weak, forcing you to crouch and covering your face with your still trembling hands. A silent plea leaving your lips, "What did I do to him? Why does he feel such contempt towards me? I'll do anything just please- Cauldron… I just want my best friend back.." the now quiet tears turned into a waterfall of emotions. Happiness, anger, disgust, despair, hunger for the attention of your former childhood friend melted into one big Cataract. You were so focused on not hyperventilating that Cass’ steady arms seamed to drown under your uncontrolled emotions. You only realized the warmth around your upper body after he started caressing your back in slow, comforting up and down motions. "I don't know, sweetheart. I don't know", he whispered. In a way that broke your heart. Cassian always was able to look through people. He might act like a bastard on multiple occasions but he was the most empathetic person you knew. "I bet Azriel is just a bit tired, you know how he acts when he's wrung out." From that response you realized that Cassian was keeping something from you. Azriel never lashes out when he's tired, especially not towards you. He just needs some time to himself, doesn't talk to people and later apologizes for his awkwardness and passive behavior.
"No. I don't know. Stop lying to me." You pulled you hands away from your face, pushing Cassian off. Noticing the warmth he placed around your body disappearing, the cold room and atmosphere embracing you, as you stood up. "I don't fucking know what the two of you were discussing when I barged in, but I know damn well that this has to do with his current behavior. I don't expect you to tell me what he entrusted you, but don't you ever dare lie to me again." With this final statement you grabbed the door handle of Cassians door and stormed out, sprinting towards the comfort of your room.
Rough draft has been stared for the second part of “shed some light on me, please”… so far, I have no clue if this story will be a duology or will become a series. I apologies in advance for any kind of delay for the second part, I haven’t written in a year and just found my passion for it again!
I’m grateful for everyone that has interacted with the first part and will finish it asap! I obviously write and edit my fics on my own (sometimes/oftentimes with the help of a friend) but considering that I’m still recovering from a surgery and school work I need to finish, it might take a while…
Again, thank you so much for your support! I really appreciate it <3
You were Azriel's mate, but it took losing you three times for him to realise.
[this is long. i'm talking 5k words long so i've split it into two parts. anyway, azriel is the best bat boy and no i won't hear anyone out. i'm so excited to write for him and hope you enjoy. it's very angsty but that's what i love. i hope i can write more for him and maybe other characters if you like. it's been a while since i've actually read the series so if any information is wrong, do let me know. also it was my first time using the term y/n and yes, i cringed NOT PROOF READ... enjoy]
warnings: references to sexual assault and references to suicide. nothing explicit but please don't read if this is sensitive to you.
Part 2 soon…
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The first, was the worst...
You were Rhys's half sister, the bastard daughter of his father. But when your mother had died giving birth to you, Rhysand's mother took you in and raised you with your brother and sister. You were so little and adorable that your sister loved you at once. Rhys did to, at some point of your life, you were sure he actually cared about you.
But when his mother and sister had died, his eyes shifted, he started to look at you with contempt. After all, you were only his half-sister. The worst half. He only kept you around because it's what his mother would have wanted.
And because there was no way Cassian and Azriel would ever let anything happen to you.
Besides, Rhysand knew when to use you.
Although Azriel was his spymaster, you were pretty good at staying swift-footed too. And you were frankly, very terrifying when you wanted to be.
You tread with power through the war camps, all of them looking at you as you went. All of their gazes wrecked with a predatory gaze. They either wanted to have their way with you, or kill you. Or both.
Rhys had said you could handle it, it was only supposed to be a check in. Cassian hadn't liked it, neither had Mor but it was Azriel who had almost- and for the first time- disobeyed his high lord to accompany you. But no, your brother wanted you to do this alone, so alone you would.
Just to show him you could.
'I can come with you,' Azriel had said, standing in your room as you tied your boots up. 'I won't even have to be seen.' At that, his shadows wrapped up your calf.
You smiled at them, as if they were his own pet. 'I'll manage just fine. Besides, i'm sure that's what Rhys wants, me needing a man.'
It had done nothing to calm your friend. The worry was still stuck between his brows, marring his handsome features. You'd held his cheeks, your wings hiding the two of you. His large ones (enough to swallow the both of you) over-lapped yours.
It was the last time you'd feel your wings.
The war camp wasn't as easy as you'd hoped. It was terror and horror in a place. You'd been to the court of nightmares, you'd gone to the slaughter of the spring court after they killed your family. But this, this was hell of another kind.
You had no idea how many days you'd been locked up, wrists bound in chains and hanging from the cell roof above you. Blood rolled down your arms from the force you'd tried to use to get them out. Your eye was swollen shut and your body trembled in pain.
All because they wanted to know your brothers secrets, and you wouldn't budge.
Your check was only supposed to be a day, but you were sure it had been longer. Days of endless pain and torture. Your uniform hung in rags of stripped material, your hair matted with blood and hiding your face.
You'd used the last of your energy to keep your walls up. You weren't anyone's mate, you didn't have anyone on the other end trying to feel what you felt. But should Rhys come looking (though you doubted it) you didn't want him to feel it. You didn't want anyone in your mind.
The gates opened with a sickening clash.
One of the Illyrian's knelt in front of you, his wings hiding those coming in behind you. 'Listen sweetheart. I don't want to make this any harder than it's about to get. All you have to do is tell us your brother's hide outs.'
You grit your teeth, staring down at the ground.
'So loyal, to a man who doesn't care if you live or die.'
Suddenly, your wings twitched as hands grasped them. Brute hands, the sort you wouldn't want touching any part of you.
Fear spiked in you, horror twisting your gut. 'What are you doing?'
'I told you I didn't want to get things messier, darling.'
You whipped your head from side to side, trying and failing to get a look at the assailants behind you. Your wings were being held apart, no matter how hard you tried to bat them away. You knew the sort of people they were, and what they did to girls like you.
That's when the begging started. 'No, no please. Anything. I'll do anything! Beat me, kill me, rape me, not my wings, please!'
'Anything?' the bastard asked, tongue poking out from his lips. 'Then tell me where your lord's hideouts are?'
You should betray him, you thought. He would never lose his wings for you. Perhaps it was stubbornness that kept you from, or maybe you were clinging to the last bit of love you want from him.
The bastard scoffed, 'anything, she says. Your brother has his own bitch wrapped around his finger.'
That's when they started hacking at your wings.
Your screams tore through your throat, blood spitting and dripping down your chin. Tears soon joined when they hacked away at the bone, the membrane, the flesh of it all. The three of them worked through your screams and your tears and your pain, tearing and cutting at it like it was nothing more than paper.
Not your whole life.
Let them hear you. You hoped your brother heard you, you hoped all and every court heard the pain.
Eventually, even you couldn't keep screaming. The only sound was the hacking away at your wings and the drops of blood.
'Now look at these beauties. I've got a perfect spot on my wall for these.'
They left you after that. There wasn't much more damage they could do. It already felt like they'd destroyed your life. You had never really thought about your wings, they were just part of you, as much as your wit or hair was. But they'd took it and now, you felt empty. Never would you fly with Azriel again, or use your wings to smack Cassian over the head.
Rhys, your dear brother, had took that from you.
The days blended in together after that. You were pooled in your own tears and blood, vomiting up anything they forced down your throat. No, they'd made it very clear they didn't want you dead. They just took pride in making it feel like you were.
At some point, you'd stopped reacting to the gate opening. You let them do whatever they wanted with you. Your wrists were still chained, arms still hanging up, your clothes hanging on your thin body in strips of dirt.
'No...' you heard a mumble. 'What have they done to you?'
Suddenly, the chains gave way and you lurched forward, with no strength to catch you. Luckily, you didn't have to, as strong and warm arms pulled you into his chest.
'Hey, wake up, look at me, dammit.'
Azriel.
You'd know the voice in the darkest days, in the pit of your worst nightmare you'd know.
You try to speak but your head's heavy, your lips are stone and your arms can't lift to hold onto him. You're exhausted, you're dying. The only thing you could do use all your strength to try to open your eyes.
'Please, please, look at me. You have to look at me,'
You were trying, you wanted to tell hm, snap at him, but you couldn't.
You felt Azriel shake, or maybe you were. Then, there was wet drops landing on your cheeks- you flinched.
'I'm sorry, i'm sorry. Rhys! Rhys! hurry up, please!' he was screaming. You'd never heard him scream before.
You heard the rush of feet at the cell doors, you knew it was your brother. You knew it from the presence of him, from the shuffling of feet and chocked sob. Your brother didn't cry, least of all for you.
'Her wings, oh mother, her wings,' said Azriel, his voice barley above that of a whisper.
Your wings. You didn't need reminding. They were gone, long and far gone. You were without a part of you, the very part of your soul that loved to be free. Never would you watch the stars up close or fly over everyone. Never race Cassian or make jokes with Az.
No, this would destroy you.
'y/n,' your half-brother called. 'No, y/n. Can you hear me?'
Your lips parted, mumbling. 'Hurts.'
Azriel's grip on you tightened. 'I know, we're gonna get you out of here, just hold on for me.'
You wanted to tell him you would hold on, you'd always need to hold on to him. That, no matter what he asks, you'd do it. To kill, to live, to breathe, to die.
And that's when it clicked. Amongst all the pain and the doubt. In your blood soaked clothes. In the fear you wouldn't make it, there was a tug. Weak and one-sided, but there. You knew you'd be safe with Azriel, knew you would always be with him.
Mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
The pain subsided to a dull ache, there and beating but not excruciating. You were warm and covered in a soft material. Nothing like the cell you'd been kept in. Your fingertips sunk into something soft- a bed. Your bed. It was familiar in its lavender scent to you and the silk wrapped around you gave you some semblance of warmth.
Your wings.
Even coming to consciousness was difficult. You were exhausted but light, without the weight of wings holding you down. You'd never realised how much you needed to feel that weight, to feel pulled down in order to be free.
Gone, all gone.
Your hand twitches around something cold, a shadow holding your hand, creeping up your side.
'You're awake, thank the couldron.'
It wasn't Azriel, master of the shadows. It wasn't your mate. Mate. The word replayed like a terrible song in your mind.
How dare the mother do this to Az. How dare he- nothing but loyal and kind- get stuck with a person made in darkness, who bled shadows, who's heart was so full of hate there wasn't room for love. They'd cursed Az, with you.
But luckily it wasn't him, it was Rhysand.
'It really happened,' you whispered, voice hurting from the screams.
He sighed. 'I'm sorry, i'm so sorry. We-we thought you weren't going to make it, you'd lost so much blood.'
In spite of the pain in your shoulders, you made a shift, turning from him as he ranted on about your condition.
'y/n... sister, please,' he said. He'd never called you sister before. He'd always been content to treat you just like you worked for him.
'Leave me alone.' you couldn't bare to look at him, couldn't bare to face him. The shadows at your hand grew heavier, as if more were piling on. You stretched your fingers away from them, trying to get them off you.
'Are you in any pain?' asked Rhys.
'Get out,' you mumbled.
The end of your bed dipped where Rhys settled, hand splayed on the covers, begging for your hand. 'y/n.'
'Get out!' you snapped, body tense and straining. You felt your wounds open up, blood wetting the bandage around you. But you didn't care. You'd happily bleed if you couldn't fly. A part of you, sick part of you wanted to be left there. It would be better than false sympathy.
Be better than your mate being disgusted.
'Get out!' you yelled again, voice tearing through an aching throat.
'I just want to help you! please, let me help you!' said Rhys, standing from your bed and walking around, trying to face you.
'I don't want your help!' you screamed. You reached for the closest thing you could, a jug of water and chucked it toward him. You aim was terrible, marred with pain and exhaustion. 'Get out!'
Though hesitant, Rhysand slowly started walking back to your door. He did it all looking at you, his hands out to show he wasn't gonna hurt you, but you didn't care. You went for the glasses next and chucked them but they landed against the door which he disappeared through.
Before it slid close you caught sight of Cassian , Mor and Azriel. All crowded, all waiting to see you.
You'd be happy if you never let them see you again.
'Can we see her?' you hear Mor ask.
'Give her time,' said Rhys.
The shadows at your hand grew heavier, darker, tighter.
'Go away!' you yelled at them. To anyone else, you probably looked crazy, screaming to darkness. But the shadows understood. They departed, slithering away and under the crack of your door where you could see the shadows of feet.
Tumbling from bed, you stumbled over and locked the door, leaning on it to and catching your breath. Your nightgown was starting to get sticky with blood all over again. When you closed your eyes, you pictured the cell, the rough hands holding you down, the chain keeping you up.
And the pain, it all washed over you. The hacking at your back, the sting of a slap. It hit you like a tone of bricks as you slid to the floor.
There was a knock, rattling the door.
'y/n,' Cassian. 'Please let us in.'
Us. You felt him on the other side. Your mate, his presence lingering. His shadows under the door, wanting to come in but keeping their distance.
He didn't know. It hadn't snapped for him, you could tell. It was one tug on your end, a chord in your heart. At least he couldn't feel what you did. At least you could shoulder it alone.
'Please.' his voice was almost your un-doing. He sounded so sad, so desperate. It hurt you just to think you were hurting him.
Tears streamed down your face as your curled your fingers into a tight fist. You assumed Mor had left with Rhys, leaving you there with the males.
Cass was always like a brother to you. Granted- a brother you had slept with once or twice- but he was your best friend. You'd always been close to him. But you'd always been good, a happy person.
You couldn't be that for them now, perhaps ever again.
It lasted like that for hours. Cassian and Az begging to come in, you curling into a ball with tears down your cheeks and blood down your back.
Eventually, they gave up. You couldn't hear them anymore and the shadows of their boots had disappeared.
Except Azriel's shadows that still lingered under your door. Maybe he'd ordered them to be there while they left you.
Eventually, you managed to find your footing on shaking legs. Your room was large, one of the largest. It was just as much a mess as it was when you'd left for you mission, clothes thrown over the place, books propped open on the pages you'd left them on. Everything was the same but could never be again.
It took you longer than you'd care to admit to get to your windows and throw the curtains close. Candles light at your request, the house looking after you as it had since you were a child.
You caught sight of yourself in the full length mirror. It seemed smaller, everything in the room felt too large and you too small, as if you were being swallowed by the expanse of it.
Your frame was small in the mirror, your hair disarrayed. Your eyes were red and shutting of their own accord from the tears that had drained you. The starving in the cells had made you look weak, made you feel weak.
And your back. There was no more looming black figures there, no more fluttering. There was just nothing. In spite of the ache as you lifted your arm, you felt around your back, feeling the hitch there, the lump from where they'd been torn from you.
You cry. You sob. You scream.
The scars were long and the nightdress was sticking to you by the blood you'd shed. All you could do, was hold yourself up as your body wracked with tears.
A breeze came from your windows, shadows tugging at the curtains.
You felt him before you saw him. You wanted to tell him to leave you but you couldn't talk without chocking. Without feeling like you couldn't breath.
Azriel had you in your arms before your knees could hit the ground. He fell with you, softening your body on the floor. His arms held you into his chest, his legs caging you into his body. His head rested on yours as he held you. He didn't try to talk, he didn't try to help. It was just him, you and his shadows.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Azriel remembered dozing off with you, his head on yours. His arms holding you into him, as if it was up to him to keep the sadness away and take it for you.
Afterall, you were his best friend. He should have been there for you, and he'd failed terribly by letting you get hurt and your wings stolen from you. He could hate himself every day for it, for letting you down. But it would never amount to what you felt for yourself and that killed him.
He could see it in the way you cried, in the way you were already keeping everyone out. He'd rather die than let you go through all the pain alone.
When his hands had been scarred by his brothers, you'd help heal him, tell him about everything he still was and all the power he still held in his hands. In the worst days, when he didn't let anyone touch him, he let you.
It was always you.
Azriel wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, or how deep. He was sure he was still with you, still in your bed.
His shadows crept up on him, engulfing him slowly and whispering to him. Your name, just your name on repeat. It was enough to lull him back into sleep, to keep him calm.
Gone. Missing. y'n. Roof.
He shot up and ran fastest than he ever had in his life. It was as if he'd never been asleep but had been fighting a battle with the way he raced over.
He burst through the doors, the cold hight air hitting him.
You stood facing the stars, your bloody back to him. It wasn't as much blood as when he'd found you, but it was still enough to put a lump in his throat.
Immediately his shadows fell to you, cascading down your body and wrapping around your waist. There was a breeze in the air, pushing your hair back and exposing more signs of the pain and torture you must have gone through.
'I'm not gonna jump, if that's what you're thinking,' you said. You didn't even have to turn to him. The shadows probably told you enough.
'Why are you up here?' he asked, walking to you slowly and with careful steps. As if every step closer could you push you away from him.
'I'll never feel the win properly again,' you answered.
Azriel gulped down his own pain. You’d never sounded so small. ‘Can you get away from the ledge?’
'I'm not on the ledge.'
'You're too close for my liking.'
'Leave if you don't like it.'
'Don't do this,' he said.
'Do what?' you asked, folding your arms over your chest. You were cold, out in the hight but you wanted to see the stars. Needed to see them.
'Make me leave. Make everyone leave you. I know that's what you're doing. It's what you do every time,' you could feel him dawning closer. His shadows were all around you, almost drowning you.
‘Every time,’ you scoff, stepping down and turning on him. ‘It’s not every day you lose your wings Azriel! But don’t let me stop you from leaving, flap them and go!’ You yelled, unable to stop yourself, no matter how hard you tried. You didn’t want to hurt him, you just wanted to be alone.
Mate. Mate. Mate.
'You jump and I’ll catch you,' he said. He was a step away, he could just reach out and touch, just a gentle caress. 'I swear it, whatever you do, I’ll follow. I’m not letting you get away.’
He watched your back shudder as he reached out, brushing knuckles against your shoulder blade. He heard your sharp inhale follow.
'Don’t think I won’t follow, y/n.'
Finally, you turned around in his shadows. You couldn’t meet his eyes but at least you could face his chest.
His hands were gentle on your shoulder as he rubbed it gently. 'Can I get Madja to clean you up?' He asked.
You nodded as he led you away. You truly did not deserve your mate.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Fifty-two years later...
When Amarantha had trapped the high lords of Prythian under the mountain, it hadn't be a conscious choice to follow your half-brother down. How Amarantha had allowed it, you weren't sure, but perhaps she wanted to use you just like her brother, or she thought it would bring more pain for him to see you suffer under there too.
You and Rhysand had barley spoke the last two years.
It had took you almost two months to heal fully enough to leave your room, another few months to face your family again. But even then, everyone knew something had changed in you. You didn't laugh as loud or smile as wide.
Rhysand was careful to ever let you out on a mission. Mor tried to take you out every night. Cassian spent all day every day with you and Azriel- he'd healed you better than any nurse.
Still, you had not told him he was your mate.
Still, you thought he wouldn't want it.
Still, you cared for your brother enough to not want him to go alone.
But being under the mountain, you could avoid your mate. At a painful price.
Until her. Rhys's mate. He hadn't shut up about her since he first met her, much to your dismay as you had to sit around and listen- having absolutely nothing better to do. And it only got worse when she turned up under the mountain. She was declaring her love for Tamlin- again, annoying your brother, and throwing Lucien into danger- which rather angered you. You had nothing against the ginger.
Rhysand had once sent you to find the girl to summon her as part of a bargain he'd made. He didn't want to go, he didn't want to look too forceful. You'd been lucky enough to find the two tangled up in each other against a cold wall, clothes ripped and hips moving together.
'Well, well well,' you'd intterupted.
Tamlin all but growled at you, but feyre was looking over you- evidently confused. She had no idea who you were. You, in your skimpy outfit that Amarantha kept you in (they all dipped low at your back, showing off your scars) and your eyes that were like a night sky.
'Amarantha's looking for her pet and Rhysand is looking for his. Honestly, i'd be a bit more worried if I were you. You know, considering Lucien still has an eye to lose.'
The two parted with your words as you sent Tamlin back to his master, the high lord glaring at you as you went. While Feyre tried to fix herself.
'Rhysand is over there, better not keep him waiting.' That was the first time you met her, having no idea how much trouble she'd be worth. The family that she'd become.
But Rhysand made sure you knew it all. From when the bond snapped in him and he'd stumbled. He ranted and ranted as they climbed out.
If only you were so talkative about Azriel. If only you could talk about him with your brother. But you'd tried not to painfully think about him. Climbing out of the mountain. It was all you could think of.
Maybe he'd have forgotten you? it had been fifty years. He'd probably realised how happy he could be without having to take care of you.
Rhys was allowed out of the mountain, he'd felt the breeze in his hair but you hadn't in fifty long years. You stood there a moment, bathing in the warmth as everyone left, as everyone ran off for their families and courts and the war that was inevitable. Eventually, Rhys offered you his arm. 'Shall we go home?'
He winnowed you there, on the balcony of your home. In a cloud of black smoke, the two of you appeared.
He went first, slipping through the doors slowly- like it could all be taken from them any minute.
You were hesitant, taking a moment to glance at the landscape behind you. It hadn't changed, not at all. The mountains were still there, everyone was still alive. Your home. In the last years it hadn't felt like home, but how could anywhere ever feel so close in your heart.
When you could find your feat again, you managed to slip through the doors. You were suddenly aware of how little clothing you were wearing, just enough to cover your chest and run down your legs. A chill settled down your back, your scars would be on show. What a way to great them all after fifty years.
Mor had her arms around Rhys's shoulders, crying into his shoulder.
Behind them you caught Amren, with something like tears in her eyes. You were just about to tease her before a body barrelled into yours in a blur of red syphons and your feet were lifted from the ground.
'Cassian.'
His arms tightened around you. You shoulder started to dampen with tears, his tears. The last time you'd seen him cry around you was when he'd seen a dog with only three legs. 'I'm keeping you on a leash from now on, stupid idiot.'
Your arms wrap around his shoulders, a smile gracing your lips. 'Is that a promise?'
He held you longer, tighter, not daring to let you go but at least settling you on the ground. He sighed against your head, controlling himself. 'He's missed you, you know,' he said. He was the only one you'd told, about your mate. 'Now that you're back, tell him. He deserves to know.'
Cassian slowly pulled away, holding you at arms length and smiling at you. He kissed your cheeks and then your forehead before parting to Rhysand.
Mor approached you next, slapping you in the arm.
'Ow!'
'Why would you follow him?' she snapped.
You blinked at her before she took you by the arm she'd slapped and embraced you, like a sister would. You dared not looking over her shoulder to find the one who hadn't come to you. Maybe Cass had got it wrong...
Mor pulled away, wiping at her eyes.
Azriel was as beautiful as the day you left him. His hair was the same length, he was the same height. He was just as you left him. It was hard to tell fifty years had passed on him.
And inside of you, tugging in your soul and heart you felt the familiar string of gold throbbing. But you still didn't feel that tug. You'd hoped it would have faded from you after half a year separated. Or at least have snapped for him. But no such relief.
He approached you, slowly. As if he was scared of scaring you away. But you just stood there.
His arms were delicate and soft around you as he brought you into his chest. He still smelled the same, cedar wood and shadows. Shadows that wrapped around you, shielding you from the rest of the room. They caressed you, head to two.
You held onto each other for what could have been another fifty years, but this time, it wasn't so painful.
✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧
Although nobody wanted to part after yours and Rhysand's return, you were exhausted. A trip to Rita's could wait another night or two. The only thing you wanted to do was hide in your room.
Strangely, your room looked lived in. As if somebody had moved in since you'd left. A moment of anger replaced grief. Had they brought someone else and given them your room? but then you smelt it, Az.
Lying in bed that night, exhausted, you couldn't find sleep. You closed your eyes and pictured Amarantha. You'd never been afraid of her, you weren't afraid of anything. But you re-played the horrors. Watching servants beat Feyre, watching Amarantha use your brother and on the occasion, even you. How she flaunted. How the most powerful lords were weak.
Under your door, shadows seeped in, rushing across the room to you. You smiled, watching your hand disappear in their darkness.
'Azriel?' you called.
There was shifting on the other side of the door before he slipped in, clicking it shut behind him.
You sat up in bed, shadows moving with you. 'Couldn't sleep?'
He wondered in, looking around your room. 'Sleeping's been... hard.'
You rolled over, opening the blanket and nodding your head. You couldn't think about the bond, not yet. Not while he looked so.... ruined. Beautiful- the most beautiful person in the world, but sad. As he climbed in next to you, you could see the dark circles under his eyes, his shoulders slumped and his wings too.
His eyes scanned over you. You were in a thin and silk night dress that only brushed your knees, but the way he looked at you, mother you could've been naked. 'Fifty years,' his voice sounded barley controlled. 'Fifty years. You followed your brother down for fifty years? Why would you do that?'
You gulp. 'I would've done it for any of you. Except maybe Amren, she'd probably enjoy the peace for fifty years.'
You go to brush your hair back but Azriel seizes your wrist. He was angry. That's why his voice was rough and his chest rising and falling with barley controlled emotions. Could he feel it? your nerves, your lying?
'You left. You should've stayed, y/n, you know Rhysand didn't want you under there with him,' he said. 'For fifty years I haven't been able to sleep through a night thinking about the pain you must have been going through. After I swore to keep you safe, after I promised to catch you every time!'
'You couldn't have stopped me. You didn't promise, Az.'
His grip grew tighter. 'It went without saying.'
You looked around his eyes, seeing the pain and grief there also. Slowly, you brought your other hand up. He flinched as you took his cheek but eventually settled as your thumb ran over his cheekbone. 'I won't leave again, ok? I promise.'
He gulped, letting go of your wrist and looking down. 'I slept here,' he mumbled, but just loud enough to hear you. 'I couldn't sleep in my room. This was the only place I could rest.'
Your heart stuttered. Your hand dropped from his cheek. This man was your mate. Your mate. Your only love, whether or not the cauldron deemed it.
Azriel took your hesitation. 'I-i'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that. I've probably ruined your one place of peace-'
'Stay,' you said, before you could think of what you were asking. 'Sleeping wasn't exactly easy under the mountain either. I just trust I won't have to put a wall of cushions between us.' as if you wanted that. As if you haven't thought about his calloused hands all over you.
childhood friend / best friend! azriel x reader ⠀‿ ࿔ since everything that has occurred with the transformation from humans into fae of the two Archeron sisters, you can't seem to contain the jealousy over Elain when it comes to your best friend Azriel, after he has been spending dusk and dawn trying to get her attention.
tw: angst, one-sided love (?), incorrect orthography & grammar since English is my third language, insecure reader (because who isn’t), reader kinda hates Nesta & Elain, reader is a bit of a bitch, no use of ‘y/n’, all characters are kinda ooc, platonic (brotherly) relationships with Cassian and Rhys <3
a/n: title if from the song “my moon my man” by feist. first time writing for acotar, please be nice… <3
CHAPTER O2 CHAPTER O3
You and Azriel grew up together, in a way initiated by fate. You healed his wounds, and he braided your hair. You kept him company at night, when his night terrors crept in. He held your hand and defended you when someone accused you of stealing. A perfect harmonious relationship. Growing up poor in Velaris was torture but the little shadowboy kept you company and you returned the favor.
Growing up together meant that every hour he was allowed out of his cell, he took the opportunity to visit you. Growing up together meant that you would overlook his scarred hands and hold them anyway. Growing up together meant that he took you with him to the Illyrian training camps, because he just couldn’t leave you behind to rot. It meant forming a relationship with Cassian and Rhysand, as well as the latter’s mother, which developed quickly into a family dynamic between you all. Once Rhysand became the high lord of the night court, he opened his arms and welcomed you into his inner circle.
You didn’t have a distinct role in the night court, you just helped whenever help was needed. Your work relied mostly on working under madja, the high fae, who always appreciated your presence and aid.
A thing you couldn’t decipher though, was the growing affection between your closest friend and the high lady’s sister. You never had a problem with the Archerons and you even enjoyed having daily conversations with Feyre after Rhys took her to the house of wind. You would even describe the relationship between you and the now high lady as friends, though you didn’t know if she reciprocated the feeling. Your sole problem revolved around her sisters. Nesta spat cruel words at everyone and Elain just stood like a sheep beside her, as if no thoughts were present behind her eyes. You would even say that you disdained them for their lack of character and the way they treated Feyre when they were still human.
The current scenario developing right in front of your eyes didn’t help with the contempt you felt towards Elain. She was crouching in front of the rose bushes right outside your window and taking care of them, Azriel helping her every step of the way. You weren’t a jealous person and to be honest, the idea of being jealous over a potential love interest for your best friend was humorous. Even the little things she did, like humming a melody while watering plants or just sitting in your usual chair at the dinner table made your skin crawl with disgust. Why do you hate her so much? She never even slightly raised her voice at you and was always bowing with respect when crossing paths with you. Maybe that was the problem. That you feel towards her so negatively while she regards you as someone with a high standard.
“What's up with you? Are you sulking?" a very familiar voice called out to you. Before you could turn around to identify where the voice came from, Cassian was already leaning on your balcony right next to you.
“Why would I be sulking? I’m just enjoying the view.” A hum escaped his lips as he glanced towards the bushes below your window. “The view huh?” you nod while following his eyes. Azriel was now crouching behind Elain, his broad body engulfing hers as he lay his hands on top of hers as they cut certain rose stems. Azriel never felt comfortable touching others with his bare hands, at least that’s what he told you. Once your younger self realised that he instinctively always reached for your hands whenever he felt uncomfortable, you assumed you were an exception. Not anymore.
Grabbing Cassian by his arms and shooing him away from the sight was the only thing currently racing through your mind. You closed the balcony windows abruptly, leaving him raising a brow at you. “You know, pouting doesn’t suit you,” he stated. You turned around to face him, heat racing to your face. How come traits like pouting or shyness were rewarded and praised in other females by men but when you did something in that regard, it ‘didn’t suit you’? You squinted your eyes at the male, embarrassment turning into anger. “What is that supposed to mean?!” you said. a sigh leaving the Illyrian male's lips, “I didn’t mean it as a reproach or something, I just think the expression you’re currently holding is far hotter!”, he said raising his hands in defeat. A big smirk now plastered on his face. Cassian always had a way of undoing your anger. You would describe him as an annoying older brother figure, since he took care of you in ways Azriel didn’t.
In the past months of the Archeron siblings turning into fae, you started feeling territorial of your childhood friend. The way he was solemnly focused on Elain brought rage over you.
“Does Rhys need me or why did you barge into my room?”, You questioned the male in front of you, crossing your arms. “Why? can't I just check on my lil’ sis?”, he said, that bright smirk never leaving his lips. You were used to being called ‘little sister’ and other variations of that nickname by Cassian and Rhys, sometimes even by Mor. Ariel never followed their lead, preferring to call you ‘starlight’ or sometimes ‘little star’. Now that you think about it, he hasn't called you those names in what felt like an eternity. Had he come up with nicknames for Elain instead? Was he calling her by his assigned names for you? Would he dare to call her ‘his starlight’?
Seemingly noticing that you were currently spiraling, Cassian sighed. “Actually, yeah. Rhys asked to speak with you. Plus I never barged into your room. I knocked twice, mind you but apparently you didn't seem to notice” he let his eyes trail towards the balcony once more. “Fine, I’ll meet him in a second.”, turning around to close the drapes in front of the giant balcony windows. “Let me get changed first, I literally just woke up.” Cassian seemed to get the message you tried to convey and left your bedroom almost instantly, closing the door behind him.
You didn't just wake up, that was a lie but after noticing what was happening in the garden beneath you, you just couldn't pry your eyes away from Azriel’s and Elain’s intertwined hands and forgot to change out of your night robe.
The atmosphere drastically shifted when you entered the High Lord's study. Rhysand was crouching over his desk, fingers tugged in his dark locks of hair while scrolls of paper were sprawled all across the room. “Explain to me why Kallias has requested my little sister as his mate's midwife?” You’ve met Kallias and Viviane before and they have been an amazing couple and company to have. Rhys fawned over you when you first met them and praised your skilled hands in the medical field. “Maybe because you’ve kept praising me on my work when I first met them, maybe you left a lasting impression.”, you stated a matter of fact.
Rhysand has not only been calling you ‘his sister’, but he has also always felt nostalgic towards his biological sister when he sees and talks to you. He confessed his grief to you once on a drunken night, stating that you resembled her in multiple ways, and how glad he was to take care of someone so similar to his deceased sister. It made you a bit uncomfortable back then, but you realised that this grief he experienced over her, was numbed by your presence. Even if it made you uncomfortable, who were you to dictate how to grieve a lost loved one? After some time passed, you embraced Rhysand's clinginess and protectiveness over you.
“You know I prefer having you safe and sound here at the House of Wind, don’t you? So why would I grant the high lord of winter permission to claim my sis as his midwife for 10 whole months?” He didn’t look at you, folding the pieces of scattered rolls neatly and reorganising his desk, a habit when he felt nervous or unsure. “Viviane and Kallias are kind people and treated us only with respect, denying their requests could build hatred. Accepting their request would form a lifelong bond,” you said while picking up the scattered pieces of paper from the floor and stacking them according to the date written on their top left corner. “I know I’m not very indulged in the medical field but I also know that I can handle this assignment. I have a true passion for it as well as the training for it, and I know you are aware of that as well.”
When finishing picking up the documents and rearranging them chronologically, you stepped next to your high lord. Laying the stack of various reports right in front of him. As you were eyeing him from the side and laying your arms around his shoulders, he breathed out a sigh. “So you would enjoy a task like this?” “I would be honoured to help deliver and care for the Winter Courts heir.”
He turned to you, smiling faintly and nodding. “I’ll inform them. You will be leaving in a week. I hope you have enough time to prepare.” You grinned, a real big assignment had never been given to you before, and proving your worth and skill while helping to bring such a delicate life to earth would be the greatest accomplishment for you. You had a passion for helping others, seeing someone in pain or in desperate need of help always caught your attention.
You turned to leave Rhysand’s study, desperately searching for madja or cassian to break the news to, sprinting down the steps from the main floor and skipping towards the corridor you knew Cassians and Azriels rooms were. You used to sleep in Azriels massive bed for a while, comforted by the proximity you were given in your sleep by his warm body. Though in the last few weeks he hadn’t been staying in his room. You didn’t want to know where he occupied himself.
Barging through Cassians door with the biggest grin plastered on your face, you screamed, “Guess what just happened!” through the room, not noticing the brooding Azriel sitting on Cassians bed. Both Illyrians seemed to stare holes in you, the blush creeping across your cheeks while muttering a small apology made your senses heightened. The desperate holding of the door handle seamed to burn against your palm. “Didn’t you just yell at me a few minutes ago about apparently baring into your room? Ironic isn’t it?” Cassian purred. He stood in front of Azriel. The shadowsinger still sitting on the bed, back arched and his finger intertwined nervously on his lap. “I already apologized! I’m sorry okay? Are you guys still busy or can I now break the best news I’ve ever received to you?” Cassian sighed, crossed his arms, and finally turned away from the still nervous-looking Azriel. The Shadowsinger not making any move to indicate being interested in the story you are about to tell. He seemed to be more interested in his cuticles, violently picking at the delicate skin while he avoided your gaze. "Go on," Cassian said with a teasing smirk, though it seemed forced since the way he gazed at you felt tired and dismissive.
Noticing the uncomfortable mood in the room, you stuttered. "Uhm, so… Rhys' asked if I wanted to go to the winter court to help with the delivery of Viviane and Kallias' child and I said yes." You felt your prior excitement vanish with every word you uttered. You felt so dumb after explaining the reason behind your previous joyful behavior to the two males, who now stared holes in you. "It's not that important to be honest. I didn't mean to disturb you-" "You're leaving us?", Azriel interrupted. His eyebrows furrowing right in front of your eyes. Cassian whirled to the other man quickly, glaring at him then turning back to you with pure pride in his eyes. "I'm so proud of you sweetheart. We all know how much this means to you." His last words were laced with venom while he turned his gaze back to Azriel, glaring once more at the male. The latter had now stopped picking at his cuticles and instead, started violently biting at them.
You felt big, warm drops of water welling up in your eyes after realizing that your best friend, for whom you felt such adoration for, turned into a stranger sitting on Cassians bed, not being able to look into your eyes and acting like you were the biggest burden.
Azriel looked at you, now noticing the red rimed eyes, the slumped shoulders as well as the silent tears trickling down your chin, staining your skin with wet trails. You quickly averted your eyes from him, staring holes into the ground. Now you were the one picking at your hands and nails. "Yeah, I thought it was a great opportunity.", you stated, focusing only on Cassian. "I also thought that it might be nice to visit other courts. You guys Travel a lot and I am always here- I don't know, I just thought it might be nice." Before you could think about bolting right through the bedroom door out of embarrassment, Azriel stood up and did the exact same thing you were just thinking of.
The sadness you just felt towards his dismissive attitude vanished instantly and disgust slowly crept in your bones, how dare he be annoyed about you leaving the night court, when he was the one ignoring you for the past month. How dare he act discussed by the opportunity you've prayed ages for even though he knew how much it meant to you, even though he spent hundreds of nights with you, when you spoke to him about your dreams of being really indulged in the medical field and to finally stop being just an apprentice. He always shared and listened to your wishes and dreams with such fondness and validated them, preaching of your future and stating that you would deserve every possible and positive outcome to your life that fate threw at you.
The way he was now acting towards you was nowhere near familiar and quite disgusting. "What the hell is his problem?!" You yelled at Cassian, not being able to keep you emotions under control and being one hundred percent sure that the shadowsinger was able to hear you with the door wide open and the loudness of your voice. "You don't act that way towards your supposed best friend! What on earth have I done to him to deserve this kind of response from him?! He didn't seem happy at all! And don't you dare tell me that I'm just imagining his condescending attitude towards me, Cassian! He never acted this way towards me ever!" You were somehow able to stop your ranting, facing Cassian with thick trails of salt covering your cheeks and skin, teeth and fists clenched together. Your whole body was vibrating with anger, the former happiness now completely leaving your body leaving only despair and exhaustion.
You least felt weak, forcing you to crouch and covering your face with your still trembling hands. A silent plea leaving your lips, "What did I do to him? Why does he feel such contempt towards me? I'll do anything just please- Cauldron… I just want my best friend back.." the now quiet tears turned into a waterfall of emotions. Happiness, anger, disgust, despair, hunger for the attention of your former childhood friend melted into one big Cataract. You were so focused on not hyperventilating that Cass’ steady arms seamed to drown under your uncontrolled emotions. You only realized the warmth around your upper body after he started caressing your back in slow, comforting up and down motions. "I don't know, sweetheart. I don't know", he whispered. In a way that broke your heart. Cassian always was able to look through people. He might act like a bastard on multiple occasions but he was the most empathetic person you knew. "I bet Azriel is just a bit tired, you know how he acts when he's wrung out." From that response you realized that Cassian was keeping something from you. Azriel never lashes out when he's tired, especially not towards you. He just needs some time to himself, doesn't talk to people and later apologizes for his awkwardness and passive behavior.
"No. I don't know. Stop lying to me." You pulled you hands away from your face, pushing Cassian off. Noticing the warmth he placed around your body disappearing, the cold room and atmosphere embracing you, as you stood up. "I don't fucking know what the two of you were discussing when I barged in, but I know damn well that this has to do with his current behavior. I don't expect you to tell me what he entrusted you, but don't you ever dare lie to me again." With this final statement you grabbed the door handle of Cassians door and stormed out, sprinting towards the comfort of your room.
Who is gonna tell people that interacting and showing interest are literally free? Does it need to be me? Cause I'll do it!
Kudos and comments on AO3? Literally free. Likes, comments, and reblogs on Tumblr? Literally free! Even asks and messages? LITERALLY FREE FOR EVERYONE!
You're hard pressed to find a better deal than that these days. And people are just passing it up. Wild stuff, man!
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