words that went unsaid

a heart with a voice found a home

[eileenbarry]

How do I say...

I want to tell you how my world has changed How the rhythm of the life you bring has meant  that time now moves in different ways  How waiting seems an age that becomes gone too soon

I want you to know all the ways that thoughts swirl about my mind that were never there before  Before you brought them into my house How new hopes seem both bright and yet, terrifying

I want to be able to express with some clarity The contradictions in feeling both more safe than in an age, Whilst more fearful than I have ever been And how both manage to compete daily for my attention

I want you to know what it has been to have this cold heart warm To place my trust in you and to have been rewarded For us to have been finding this out as we go and to know, That each day brings more of what I always wanted

I want you to know how hard it is to say whats meant What is both so clearly known and keenly felt  And yet so very disorganised and in disarray But mostly, I want you to know this

All this now lives within me, because of you This wretched tune that has not yet  Found a way through mouth or pen The sullen voice that asks where it might land

It sits next to these dreams of what this joy might bring The truth in being alive, of feeling loved once again And all that comes, and all thats true In all that greatness and grateful wonder

All this now lives within me, because of you

[eileenbarry]

Shadow moon

Pulled into this orbit,

Held in a pattern of no end

Hidden from the sun

A part and yet, apart

This shadow moon

You are my life.

[eileenbarry]

Owning your rage

From whence it came I cannot say, but, for now I must try to train the beast in the cave.

It sleeps inside a hollow, with hardened walls, pacing along the line of its chain, waiting. It has no name, and it knows only one.

It sleeps, has been asleep for an age. But now awake, it cannot rest. Eyes now open, fixed only at you.

It feeds, this thing that has been starved for so long. Swallows whole each new story. Teeth sharp, gorging on thoughts of you.

What is it to hate this thing that seems to keep me safe? That I keep safe. That would rip the flesh from both our bones.

What is it to want to let it? To wish for the pain and destruction? To fantasise of suffering in the ruins of your suffering.

What is it to love what could destroy us all? To protect what is feared, and which is offering its own protection.

Too scared to kill my own monster, I fear it less that I fear the monsters that live within you. A fight to the death if needs be. I own this, because of you.

I enjoy thoughts of your pain. At the edge of the cave, it hurts me to want to hurt you, and still, I step closer. Tease the beast with thoughts of release.

I curse it, and I curse you. The one I blame for it’s arrival. We, with this shared parentage. This thing you’ve fed and that now I house.

I’d like to be able to say that all that’s good of it is mine, and that all that’s bad is the canker of you. And yet,

All that can be said that’s true

Is that I feel it when I think of you

I hold it in my heart because you came

And whilst you’re here, I cannot tame.

[eileenbarry]

blame game

i blame the stars that set my view so high  With all the reach and romance of their view I blame the sun that gently kissed my skin That made me so very happy for a while I blame the soft touch of golden tulips And each caress I ever felt under my feet But most of all in this, I blame you Now I know what it is, what love is And no sunset or change of seasons  will bring me back to its joyful truth 

[eileenbarry]

Captain, oh my captain

Why do we try so hard to chart the course when at the death we shall in chorus say that although the journey felt like ours it was inevitable anyway? You wanted me to feel as if I owned but destiny within my compass hold and yet again, the route of my doubting Is to fill a fools role now truth be told Because when all is done and curtains down There’s not new horizon in the morning If I can never know who steers the ship It will only ever feel like falling. And so, I stand again at crossroads new And weep at being neither Captain, nor the crew   

[eileenbarry]

shaman

silently you approach

comfort comes in proximity

quiet rhythms meet again

you are not well

I have been gone too long.

We walk.

I keep close to your flank, like a dog at heel

I trust you like no other

following beside heals us both.

Connection indescribable

in words that seem paltry

when they attempt to mark the way our hearts beat

across space, time and imagination.

I cannot stay

there is no joy in parting

we walk a little more

and then it’s gone

[eileenbarry]

Rainy days

Sadness is felt alone Which is why A walk in the rain Can seem like company

[eileenbarry]

Marathon

when falling short can seem worse than starting tortured words clamour loudly to exclaim you’re not good enough for that and laughing excuses that want to soften aren’t to blame Instead they sound like hollow echoes and seem well worn pathways to the harrowing truth that you did not deserve to have this dream an aching fear that this is the proof Yet in those moments that slow endeavour patiently wait such tiny slivers of hope that live in gaps and mark out forever and allow the breath that soothes the choke because always tied with pain and sorrow is what is resolute to start again tomorrow

[eileenbarry]

my heart beats bigger

my heart beats bigger unexplained joy slow smiles, deep breaths. Poetry The sun moves like a wave as I rattle along the railway I am the king, the knave, the dust Of all those dead and new beginnings Of each wave that’s rolling Every little boats pitch and toss As I walk by, keeping pace with misty dreams Nothing much of this world is any longer what it seems. 

[eileenbarry]

Mind map

You are mind made maps And all the choices you make Are topography

[eileenbarry]

lessons in life from a two year old (for Charlotte)

What is here in front of you is now All else is an illusion, a dream. To dream well, you must sleep well You must sleep often.  As you stumble through you will find That you do not always get your own way And that can be tough to take. Really tough. But always trust your own opinion  And if you must, shout it LOUD.  Learning isn’t always fun But it is essential for living And so each time you fall over Get back up, and begin again Take joy from each step you take Because there is joy in each of them And all the curious wonder You might find. Then talk about it, because  When you smile, people join you Even if they don’t always understand you And you need other people And help too

[eileenbarry]

Letting someone go Is almost always the same As freeing yourself

[eileenbarry]

always there

There was a moment way back when That for reason I cannot yet fathom Saturated every single cell of mine Marking out a measure for all moments And when I sit and think on you now  Watch water flow under every bridge We once sat beside together  These histories reflect back to me  From the quietness of the rivers edge And I am the water and this moment And you are for always are within

[eileenbarry]

Hard truths

Truths that hurt the most Are hollow so that the pain Can echo right through

[eileenbarry]

22nd August 2015

This morning out early Walking by the still river I happened on a moorhen chick Happily exploring the reeds As yet, unafraid and unaware I stood for a while and watched Saw peaceful progress And I thought to myself What a privilege this life is

[eileenbarry]

here

You didn’t bound into my life There was no fan fare  And in truth I didn’t really notice That you had even fully arrived  Until I noticed at the end of the day That I just wanted to tell you all about it 

[eileenbarry]

Honestly felt

It honestly felt as if a bright dawn Became an endless grey day That dry eyes could not find it to weep For to grieve, hope must still be alive All that was heard in the birdsong Fell short, and in the sorrowed silence It seemed as death itself could torture With all these heart felt half deaths And now, this hopefunct half life