[el-a-tion]

I know I don’t have anyone following my posts on here, but I just wanted to say that I am elated. I am in love and loved, for the first time in my life. I am not my past, but only my present and my future.

Life gets better when you least expect it to. Everything begins to connect when you least expect it to.

It’s the most cliche thing in the world to hear those words but, for the first time in 10 years on this blog, I am writing that I am happy, elated, blissful.

Trust me, do not ever give up. Depression does not define you. Don’t let it consume you as I had. When you begin to love yourself, you become surrounded by love.

[el-a-tion]

how can i feel a connection so intensely

for it to not even affect you

what am i doing wrong?

why can’t i be reciprocated for once?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

i can’t even be poetic i just want to cry

i’m leaving behind the place that we met

the place where almost all of our memories exist

the place that i call home

and i’m crying at the thought of losing my sanctuary of memories with you

how i could just look at my chair and see you laughing in it

i look at everything in my room and see you

the place where i got to know you

the place we spent endless hours talking

the place where we discovered our songs

the place where we laughed

the place where we cried

the fucking place that we loved

i can’t believe it’ll all be gone in a few days

i don’t want to leave it all

i don’t want to leave you here

i can’t do it

[el-a-tion]

i needa stop day dreaming

i build up all these thoughts in my head

just to fucking feel something

how can you sit there and watch me suffocate

convincing me that i’m merely a friend

that there’s never been anything more

like i can’t look at you and see love in your eyes

i want that shit to end

i know how you felt

i know how you feel

and i can’t wait till the day that you finally admit to yourself how i really make you melt

oh, and, to me too

all these passive aggressive emotions for what?

any one on the outside could tell

it’s you and me forever

you already know the fuckin deal

we wasting time

these days are so unpredictable

i wouldn’t be who i am without living like everyday is my last

and who would i be if i suppress my feelings to the past?

cuz this is the present baby,

and if i lost myself without experiencing love from you

then this life ended too fast

[el-a-tion]

it’s hard to fathom the idea that another girl will be prioritized over me for you

how do i know she’ll take care of you?

love you?

be supportive of you?

root for you?

she doesn’t know that on your bad days, cookies are your go to

she doesn’t know how you operate

how you don’t put into words how you’re feeling

how the look in your eyes tells a thousand stories

and how you sometimes need to isolate

i’ve spent years studying you just to get pushed to the side time after time

i even tried to move on multiple times

no one compares to you for me

i wish you could see our connection

how our destinies begin to align when we’re together

my true twin flame

i found you in a place so unsuspecting

just to let you slip away again

i only have myself to blame

[el-a-tion]

how ironic is it that i named this blog “elation” as to remind myself that depression can be overcome

and everything i post is still grey and black

one day, i will feel elated

[el-a-tion]

“what’s wrong”

you continuously ask that

and i never have it in my heart to admit that i feel this way because of you

everytime you’ve asked that, it‘s been because of you

i will never be able to say aloud how broken i’ve become by giving my all to you

and still nothing changes

i’m still your “amazing friend” who is “too cool to date”

i think you know how i feel.

i know you know what’s wrong.

i know you know.

i can’t express how much it eats me up inside

how no matter what, you don’t choose me

there are inevitably better women out there for you

women that you choose.

and i will never be one of them.

i’m 21 years old feeling the heartbreak of a 14 year old again

i want it to end

i want to finally be chosen by the one that i love

for once

please

[el-a-tion]

what am i supposed to do when the only person to show me real love

i can’t even finish the damn writing. fuck this shit fucking hurts. i hate that you never chose me. what is wrong with me is all i can ever resort to thinking

[el-a-tion]

i’m falling a p a r t

i knew it from the beginning

i didn’t want to believe myself

i don’t want to believe this

i’m so happy for you

she better take care.

goodbye,

the sun to my stars

forever missing eachother

never together

always apart.

[el-a-tion]

I go back and read those texts

over and over and over and over and over

from the most

surreal,

intense,

loving

24 hours ever

everything I was hoping for was right there

you are the sun to my stars

the sand to my ocean

the yin to my yang

everything and more

absolute elation

with you in my life

[el-a-tion]

i can’t even begin to explain

how enamored i am by you

my true other half

my twin flame

the biggest blessing to ever come into my life

i appreciate you beyond words

when i think of you

i feel the happiness and content of

an elderly with no regrets

sitting on the porch, watching the sunrise

knowing that i’ve done everything in this life that i possibly i could

i’ve met the person i’ve been searching for

i don’t need anything more

this is it

i’m rambling

you are my all

my infinite love

forever and on

[prismo-o]

i have no boundaries when it comes to love.

and that’s my biggest flaw.

i was so naive to even think that pouring my entire heart to someone would make them not hurt me.

my gut knows when something’s wrong, when i’m not being treated right, but i ignore it because

“oh, they’ve been hurt before, it’s okay. they’re just acting out on past traumas.”

but so have i, and i don’t treat people like they’re unloved.

it’s okay to have a barrier around your heart. it’s okay to not want to be hurt. 

do everything to protect yourself.

you’ll thank yourself later. 

[el-a-tion]

we exist in the present but my mind is flushed with “what-if’s,”

constantly thinking about the future.

i keep these thoughts to myself,

man i feel like a fucking loser.

[el-a-tion]

i tried to kill myself tonight

a hug from a real friend saved me

i don’t have many of those

i’m screaming for help internally

i can’t be here anymore

[el-a-tion]

i’ve fucked up before

now i’m terrified

i can’t lose you again

i’m fucking traumatized

mortified, petrified, paralyzed

[el-a-tion]

waiting for the day

that this doesn't bother or upset me

and i can truly be happy,

without anyone's help

to make me feel elated

pure bliss.

[el-a-tion]

my heart, beating through my chest

my body, light as a feather

my head, pounding

i’m suffocating,

drowning on land

i want it to end

[el-a-tion]

as i walk around at night,

inhaling the world around me

listening to the sounds of the earth

feeling the breeze on my face

appreciating the beauty of life

my problems become minimal.

as i walk around at night,

i can’t feel my body

my eyes won’t stop raining

my thoughts don’t stop running

i am weak

i don’t want to exist anymore.

i can’t keep doing this.