always like this.

no plans,just seeing where I end up.

[elgxo]

Hello lovelies.

Some of you might have read that I’m training to be a life coach and I’m coming to the end of my training now so I’m on the hunt for some trial clients!

If you feel stuck in your career, maybe you feel lost and not really sure what you want to do with your life, can commit to 6 weeks of working with me (1 1 hour session a week) and wanna reconnect to all your feminine energies like your intuition then please find me on Instagram and give me a message! @eg_mindsetcoach. I will be trialling things such as visualisations, meditations, EFT, NLP, however these will be dependent on the type of work I think will help you.

First 3 to get in contact and I feel like we connect will get all sessions for free and anyone after that I will be charging a discounted rate.

[elgxo]

Wow

I can’t believe its been about 18 months since I last wrote on here - I do miss it sometimes but I probably used this because I felt lonely and used it as an escape method rather than for healthier reasons.

I have been on a massive journey of self-discovery over the last year and found that I was going down a path that I felt like I should be going down rather than wanted to go down, so I took a big step back and realised that my true purpose in life is to help people, so I am currently doing my level 3 diploma in life coaching, I have an NLP certificate coming up next and also a meditation course to follow that one so I have lots of exciting things coming up! I want to be the person I wish I had when I was at uni and starting off in my career, especially to those that are quiet and introverted and struggling to find where they fit in the world. I know exactly what it’s like, I have been there, that’s me. 

I will be setting up a blog separately to document my journey and a bit about me and why this is important to me but I’ve created a new Instagram page for all those who may benefit from some little tips and tricks, boosts of motivation and my experiences @eg_mindsetcoach, let me know if I can help! x

[elgxo]

Things have been super shit for the last few weeks. Gets to the point where you start to wonder what you did to deserve this and why all your friends get all the luck and the happiness and all it ever does to you is pass you by. Seems like I’m not allowed to enjoy any of it and it’s not fair.

Decided to start saving and go travelling. It’s never something that’s crossed my mind until the last couple of years and we didn’t end up going but we are now. Going to start at Bali, then head to Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and Thailand. Hoping we can get across to New Zealand and stay and do some work there for a while too so if anyone has any advice on visas or where to even start then please hit me up!

[elgxo]

I’m avoiding everyone at the moment cause I hate the thought of everyone talking about me. I can just imagine the things they’re saying and seeing them all together is just making it so much worse. The conversations they’re having, the texts that have been sent, I just want to shut myself away in a bubble where the only person I can talk to is you but I can’t.

[elgxo]

We’ve hit a bit of a stagnant point in our relationship where neither of us can afford to do anything so we spend each weekend doing absolutely fuck all except watching Netflix and eating shit. We get so bored that we will go and see our mates instead of whatever and the whole thing just feels a bit meh. It’s even getting to the point where I don’t even feel like he fancies me anymore or even looks forward to seeing me cause there isn’t much to look forward to at the moment. Anyone have any suggestions on how to inject a bit of a spark back into a 4 year relationship??

[elgxo]

Ever since I was about 16 I have suffered with depressive episodes and these then normally transform into being incredibly anxious, especially around other people and being around large groups of people. I get self conscious, think everyone, especially Odie, hates me, even though I know full well that isn’t true. I normally don't answer my phone to my friends for a few days or a couple of weeks and then after a while the cloud begins to fade and I reply to my messages and meet the girls for lunch and it’s as if nothing’s happened. I’ve very recently had to check in on myself. I could feel myself feeling shit and put it down to hormones, or tiredness or something and how irritable I was just wasn't even funny. Each day I went to bed thinking “oh tomorrow will be better I just need to sleep” and then going to bed the next night thinking “okay today wasn't the day but tomorrow will be better” and this went on for weeks.

Odie went away on holiday and when he came back he was the nicest he’s ever been, he really had missed me while he had been away and I was a total arsehole. I barely spoke to him, barely smiled at him, barely even looked at him when he got back. It takes a lot for him to open up and express his feelings so what is that teaching him when I react like that? I felt like I ruined every weekend we spent together and every Monday morning I was texting him to apologise for my mood and behaviour over the weekend because I was then so absolutely terrified he would leave me because of it and it would come round to Saturday again and I would continue to do the same. 

I have been listening to these podcasts on my way to work called “How to Fail” by Elizabeth Day and they have changed my life. What I have realised my issue was is a lack of control. I’m not particularly enjoying work at the moment and feel lost in that aspect of my life when I need stability and assurance and a clear path in front of me to know where I am going. We are saving for a house but that won’t be for a long time yet so I am in limbo with that and it’s out of my control and I feel like I have no control over any of the future of my life. I would say to Odie “what’s the point in getting a house, you might get bored of me and leave me and we will be stuck with this house and be miserable” and that is just ridiculous. We aren't even anywhere near buying yet and I am worrying about what is going to happen in the years to come. 

I realised I am controlling in the relationship. And by that I don't mean I check his phone, or not let him see his mates, we both have the most freedom I have ever seen in a relationship because we completely understand the importance of it but at the same time I am guilty of not letting him be his own person sometimes. I expect him to think the same as me or to behave like me and get mad when he doesn't but of course he wont and that’s exactly why I fell in love with him. I need to learn I can’t control his thoughts or our future and by trying to do that all I am doing is making myself miserable in the mean time. I need to put my trust in him that everything is going to be okay and just allow him to love me without questioning why or how or what. 

I also need to learn to give myself a fucking break. I commute 100 miles a day to and from work, I am learning a new job and it’s really hard and tiring and I am going to feel exhausted. But most of all, I need to stop stressing about money and what stage I am at in my life and worrying so much about the future that I am forgetting how to live now. I need to find something to look forward to and just to keep going because I know I will eventually get there. All I know is I can’t live like this anymore and it is absolutely no one’s responsibility but mine to change it so that is what I am going to do. 

[elgxo]

At 11.11 today I wished something exciting would happen to me today and this afternoon Odie rang me and said we are going to see prodigy in November. That’ll do

[elgxo]

I am the worst at spending time on my own. I’ve had this whole week off before I start my new job next week and this boredom is absolutely killing me. Everyone’s at work!! I just spend all day looking on instagram feeling shit about myself, eating cause I’m bored and then feeling shit or spending money I don’t have and then feeling shit. On the other hand I’m trying to tell myself how great it is I’m not at work and on a 4 hour commute to and from London everyday and not being spoken to like a piece of shit but this is making me miserable! Got no plans this weekend either so I’ll definitely be ready to go back to work next week

[elgxo]

the last few days have been a total whirlwind! my best friend of 14 years had a baby yesterday and i went to see her today. genuinely the tiniest baby i have ever seen, she is totally gorgeous and i love her so much already! so proud of my bestie, she’s going to make the best mum. me and odie moved out of our house cause our landlord is selling it so we have moved back to our parents (separately) whilst we save some money. feels like a massive step backwards, moving back into your parents at almost 27 years old is depressing but trying to see it as a positive. just sucks being apart but hoping he will miss me! I have a week off work now till I start my new job. my new boss is so nice! he said on my first day the womenswear team are going to leicester races so it’ll be a good way of meeting everyone! can't wait. till then, i am going to chill, unpack as much stuff as i need and sleep.  only one day in and i am bored shitless already though...

[elgxo]

Soooo I’ve got a new job and I’ll no longer be commuting to London!! It’s at next head office so will be a hour drive from my house rather than a 2 hour train and tube journey and I’ll be saving about £600 a month. With a 5pm finish and 4.45 on a Friday I dunno what I’m gonna do with myself with all this time and money! Well I do cause me and Odie have to move out our house cause our landlord is selling it so my money will be going on a deposit, extra rent and a new car cause there’s no way mine will last an 80 mile round trip 5 times a week. So there’s going to be lots of change over the next couple of months but it’s all positive and I’m really excited

[elgxo]

Our house got burgled yesterday while we were sleeping. Not taken anything of too much value but stolen Odies car keys so paying £300 for a new one was just what we needed. Literally feel sick at the thought of someone walking round our house while we were asleep. The police think they know who it was so hoping they get caught soon. Put things into perspective though. Odies friend came over with pizza, some of the other lads came over to check we were okay, made me realise how lucky we are. And how lucky we are to have each other I honestly dunno what I’d do without him.

[elgxo]

feel like i only ever come on here to complain about something but really don't have much to complain about at the moment. had such an amazing few weeks, things at home are so much better and had an amazing bank holiday. going to nottingham tomorrow with my mum to watch flashdance in the theatre then going to barcelona next weekend, BUZZING.

things with money are still really shit and only getting worse but odie is working weekends as well to help me out (love him so much) but i have signed up for some freelance online websites to try and earn some more money too. i have been doing surveys online too but they pay sooooo shit. need to do something though i hate odie having to work so hard. but yeah, things are really really good and i am really happy.

[elgxo]

It sucks that something so bad has to happen in order to realise how good you’ve got it but I’m really glad it has because this week has been so good and feel like it was the spring clean that was needed. Communication has been so much better, been laughing all the time, literally cannot wait for holiday and tomorrow night we are going out with our best friends that we haven’t been out with in nearly a year. Sooooo excited.

[elgxo]

i was that stupid drunk girl yet again last night making a show of myself. dunno why i do it, i said to myself i weren't gunna drink so that i could keep a clear head and before i know it I'm wasted and making a scene in the middle of the bar and now odie isn't talking to me. cool emma. 

[elgxo]

Ive really been burying my head in the sand when it comes to my finances and yesterday I received a really big credit card bill that i wasn't expecting and its taken all of my money I had and because I missed a payment they have now taken my 0% interest off my account... going to have to change providers now but will ask someone at work to help me tomorrow. I am literally drowning in debt its ridiculous. I work my arse off but I pay 63% of my wage literally just on my train to work every month. I have started writing my outgoings and incomings down now and going through them with odie so that he can help me and it does help but then its just depressing to see how much money i have to try and live off. I didnt get a pay rise this year and the trains have gone up even more now so by the time I need to renew my annual ticket I actually wont be able to afford to go to work.  Adulting is so shit. 

[elgxo]

vomwitch said: This is sad but you’ve discussed it!! And he’s wanted to make an effort too. And that’s so important!! You’ve got the chance to make changes now and that’s all you need. Hope it works out xx Thanks lovely!! We have both just got too comfortable and lazy I think, but you’re right that we have a chance now to sort it out. It’s the longest relationship either of us have ever been in so we just aren’t used to this stage haha, glad we both feel the same though. Hope you’re good! Xx

[elgxo]

Also, I never fully appreciated what a learning curve moving in with someone is. Odie came back the other night and told me the spark had gone out of our relationship and I was totally heartbroken. He said he wants us to work on it but I couldn’t see how we could still be together if he’d fallen out of love with me. Anyway, the more I thought about it the more I realised it’s something I’ve been thinking about for ages. Because we see each other everyday we never do anything together outside of the house. We go out with our mates and do our own thing and have totally forgot to have fun together. Our relationship has become a habit, get in from work, have dinner, watch tv, go to bed and repeat till the weekend. Then cause we have no money we sit about the house all weekend and then before we know it it’s Monday and it’s so fucking boring. We used to go out and get drunk and be stupid together, spontaneously do this and that, used to dress up to impress each other. Now, I spent most of my time with no makeup on, I spend 90% of my time in my pjs, don’t even bother doing my nails, I make zero effort whatsoever and it shouldn’t be like that just cause I have him. We both take each other for granted soooo much, we are in that awkward out of honeymoon and into normal life period and it’s really fucking hard to adjust. I spoke to him about it again last night and told him we both need to make an effort with each other, it’s okay to have lazy ugly days but we need to balance that with a dressing up looking 10/10 reminding them how hot you can be nights. I’m not feeling too upset about it now because I realise it’s a totally natural process to go through and we are still learning and it’s all stuff that can be fixed, it’s not like we don’t love each other anymore we just need to inject a bit of fun and flirting back into our relationship. We have Barcelona to look forward to soon and I’m really excited about that and I’m really going to start making more effort at home cause I know it’s normally me who declines his offer of doing stuff. Can’t wait to see what new adventures we will be having!