Jin frowned. She was not exactly sure she would find GRADIENT’s last member here. The people who would play here tonight...
They were an underground niche band. A rock band.
But Miku said it was the one, and the flutist trusted her. She really wanted to believe that finding this last member would resolve her friends’ problems.
There was not a lot of people who came to see the band. As expected... it was surely just high school students playing for fun.
But suddenly, the whispers of the crowd stopped. Three boys and two girls walked on the stage.
And she felt it. Instantly. From his first step to the end of the show, she knew it was the one.
“We are Acrophobia! Let’s start, one, two, three!”
The drummer, a tall boy with dark hair and a mole under each eye, had yelled the band’s name. And the first song started.
Acrophobia. The fear of heights.
Jin already knew he was scared of falling too.
The song wasn’t actually bad. The members were synchronized. They had a good harmony.
The main singer and the guitarist’s voices were getting along well. Between the tall blue-haired girl and the purple-eyed boy, there was some kind of… alchemy?
Same thing for the other members. The bassist, a girl with short dark green hair and dark skin, was wonderfully leading the band. The keyboardist was really good as well. Jin couldn’t stop looking at this talented short boy with light blue hair and golden eyes.
But, here the problem was. The drummer.
He was good.
Really good.
But his way of playing… it was suffocating. At some point, the white-haired girl couldn’t hear anything but him. But his thoughts.
It was as if every rhythm of the song was a terrified scream.
Jin felt like she was getting hit by despair. The fear blocked her lungs, she couldn’t breathe anymore. All her senses were blocked, her whole being was just desperate explosions on drums.
“Make it stop, please, just let me feel anything… Let me feel alive again!”
She didn’t even know if whose thoughts she was hearing, his or hers?.
It felt like a second and a year, and the first song ended.
She could finally think. The air was tense, filled with energy...
Everyone was having fun, she wasn’t. Jin knew the drummer was GRADIENT’s last member. And she knew it wouldn’t resolve her friends’ problems. Or his owns. Or hers.
“Thanks for coming tonight! This song will be our last, so enjoy! Sweet Paralysis!”
“One, two, three, four!”
And a new song. An other… How many since the show started? How much despair? How much fear had she already faced?
And more thoughts came.
And more fear.
“Please, let me feel something!”
More thoughts, more fear, more thoughts and more fear and more thoughts more more more more thoughts fear scared thoughts
why can’t I
feel anything else
than
save
I
have to save
fear
I have to save them all
I am going to die
I will
save
die
sink
die
save him
save my life
die
help help help he el p
he needs
help
to be saved
help
why
why
why why why why why why why am I empty I am so scared I am empty and I can’t feel and I can’t do anything why why why do I feel so much fear why am I so cold? am I dying I’m suffocating I’m why why why
falling
sinking
sweet paralysis
fear fear fear fear fear
fear paralysis
why why let me feel less fear and less thoughts
music paralysis
“Breathe. You’re doing well.”
Jin blinked. She gasped and oxygen finally got to her lungs.
She was sitting against a wall, a few meters away from the crowd. The green-haired girl was ending the live show. Sweet Paralysis was over. The concert was over.
A white-haired boy with yellow eyes was in front of the flutist. Well… it wasn’t actually white hair. It was a very, very light blue. He was looking like a high school student, like her.
His skin was pale, so pale… He had some freckles, like Chieko. Less than Chieko.
Chieko. GRADIENT. The drummer.
Suddenly Jin remembered.
“You scared me a little bit…” the boy continued. “I was having fun, then I turned my head and saw a girl frozen, her mouth wide open. Are you scared of crowds?”
“No”, she answered. “Didn’t you feel it too?”
“Feel what?”, he asked, tilting his head. “Anyways, I’m glad to see you’re fine. I really love Sweet Paralysis, you know. My twin has a solo in this song, he’s the keyboardist of Acrophobia!”
He was talkative, but not for the right thing.
“You didn’t feel it?”, she repeated. “This intense feeling of fear in the air? Didn’t you notice how the drummer was screaming his panic?”
“The drummer… you’re talking about Otoda? He’s a very talented guy, you know”, the boy commented. “But no, I didn’t feel anything… Must have been you. You made a panic attack, that’s pretty normal to feel fearful when it happens. My brother has made a panic attack once… It was very scary. For both of us.”
Jin smiled nervously.
“Okay, thanks… uh...”
“Hanae! Hanae Shun. And my brother’s Mikoto. What about you?…”
“Kashi Jin, you can call me just Jin. Nice to meet you, Hanae! Thanks for your help.”
She had no time for small talk. She had to find Otoda, and make his intense fear and loneliness disappear. It was a matter of life or death.
Hanae tried to speak again, so the girl gave him her number. She said she’d love to talk later, but that she needed to do something urgent.
Which was actually the truth. Jin was a very bad liar, so she had recently decided to always say the truth.
She got up – wait, she was on the floor this whole time? - and rushed to catch Acrophobia’s drummer. Where was he? He couldn’t have left that quickly… Where the hell could’ve he been… Oh.
“Riku, do you really think you can keep playing like that? We’re a band. A group. So if you want to play to have all the spotlight on you, go ahead and play classical music!”
“Shizuko, I…”
“Shut up. Do you really think no one noticed? You play louder than everyone else in the band. You’re the drummer. Nothing more than the drummer. You and me, the bass and the drums, we’re here as servants. Without us, the others couldn’t play, but we are not in the spotlight, okay? Kawasaki is the singer, she’s in the spotlight. Shimizu is the guitarist, he’s in the spotlight. Hanae is the keyboardist, he’s in the spotlight too. But we’re here as a base for the band, so stop trying to bring all the attention on yourself.”
Jin hid behind a wall. It was impolite, but her name was not Setsushi Chieko.
“You’re wrong, I’m not trying to…”
“I said shut up. If you do that ever again, be ready to see a new drummer at Acrophobia’s next concert.”
And the green-haired girl, whose first name was apparently Shizuko, walked away from him. When she arrived where Jin was, she roughly asked:
“You’re listening to people when they’re having a private conversation? What are you, twelve?”
The flutist wanted to answer, but before she could, the bassist had disappeared.
...Let’s not bother ourselves with her. She’s mad.
As soon as Jin made this statement in her mind, she heard a noise. She turned her head and saw Otoda leaving. No, no, no, no.
He wouldn’t escape that easily. She had to talk to him.
The girl yelled his name.
He turned around, surprised.
He looked at her, she was already looking back at him.
And somehow, it was as if they both knew.
They had known from the very start.
From his first step to the end of the show, they knew.
He would go ahead and play classical music.
“There’s no way I’d join a classical music group!” He crossed his arms. “Have you seen my face? Do I look like someone who plays at recitals in front of rich kids who judge my smoking and my vibrato?”
“Have you ever considered the fact classical music is not just for the elites?”
She was trying her best to be patient. Really.
“Oh, really? Not only for the elites? Then, who’s with you? Setsushi Chieko? The fallen angel? Yourself, Kashi Jin? Daughter of a family of politicians? Aoyagi Hideki?”. He bitterly chuckled. “Wait, never mind, I don’t know this one. It must be another random guy Setsushi and you invited to make fun of. You know. Having two ugly friends so you guys seem prettier.”
Jin closed her eyes for a second. She took a deep breath.
“Don’t you dare talk like that about Chieko or Hidekiever again.”
Her face mere inches from Otoda’s, she continued, looking at him dead in the eyes:
“They are my friends. My best friends. Do you understand that? Oh, or maybe you’re convinced you’re the only one who has problems? You’re scared, so you decided you’d never move on? You’re terrified, so you stopped trying?”
He froze. Jin slowly made a step back, and crossed her arms too, challenging.
“How do you know that?”, he whispered.
Ah. He had finally decided to lower his voice. Good. Finally they could talk.
“I’ve felt it, during your show. This intense feeling of fear…”, she shivered only by thinking about it again. “I felt like I was drowning, and I knew this sinking feeling was coming from you. As if it was emanating from you…”
“What the hell…”
“The thing your leader was talking about… You’re not wanting to have attention, you’re screaming to make the emptiness go away, right?”
The more she talked, the more Otoda’s eyes widened. He stammered, before asking:
“What… Who are you? How do you…”
“Kashi Jin, nice to meet you”, the white-haired girl smiled. “And let’s say… I know some people who could help you, but…”
She sighed, looking down.
Then looked back at him, a wide smile on her face, her arms still crossed.
“Unfortunately, they’re either an elite or I’m just making fun of them.”
