âYes,â he answered before he could even stop to think for a moment, his gaze meeting Elijahâs as he answered, sincerity shining through. There was no hesitation, no second guessing it. He did want to make it work, no matter how much that terrified him, no matter how overwhelming the very idea of that was. He would give it his all, he would do anything he could to make it work, but that didnât stop his mind from dragging up the same questions it always did, tearing his gaze back to the floor.
Was he worthy? Surely he didnât deserve someone like Elijah, he didnât deserve someone so⊠good. Was he even capable of a proper relationship? So he had come running back, that didnât excuse the fact he had run off in the first place. He was so new to this whole thing that he wasnât even certain he could give it all it deserved, let alone give Elijah all that he deserved. The panic in his mind was beginning to rise up once more and, for once in his life, he made a decision he never had before. He had to explain everything.
âI need to-â he paused, taking a deep breath as he focused his gaze on the manâs, somehow finding both the strength he needed and more anxiety all in that one simple movement. âThere are things I should explain, not just about coming back, about, well, everything. Before you decide what to do, you should know all the facts.â
With a slow, heavy intake of breath, Spencer continued, not giving him a chance to speak, knowing that even a word could stop him from saying what he had to say. âI was scared, hell, I was terrified. We never spoke of past relationships or any of that and thereâs a good reason, I havenât really had relationships, only flings. I never did the whole dating thing and thereâs a reason for that too. I only- Merlin this is fucking hard- I only really accepted the truth about, well, you know, a few months ago. Hell, when we first met I was still convincing myself I was straight. Then all of a sudden Iâm accepting that Iâm gay and Iâm going on actual dates with real proper feelings involved, feelings I have never experienced, feelings I had convinced myself I couldnât feel. In those few months everything changed and fuck, Iâm not good with change,â he added with a shaky laugh, almost trying to joke away the sincerity of his words.
Regret filled him as soon as he finished speaking, internally cringing at his own admissions, wishing he could take them back, hide them away where they belonged to him and him alone. He could have continued, could have spoken more about how Elijah had been the cause of that change, how everything felt wrong after he had abandoned him, how he hadnât slept properly, how his every fibre was begging him to go back, to grovel for forgiveness. But that wasnât what Elijah needed. It may help him take Spencer back, but Spencer couldnât do that. He couldnât say what would help, he had to say what was true, the honest facts that Elijah ought to know before making any decisions because even he knew that there was every chance he could get spooked again, and try as he might to ensure it wouldnât happen, that it wouldnât get bad again, he couldnât guarantee that either.
So he stood in silence, his heart aching for anything to happen, for some sign of whether or not he would be accepted, whether his admission would help or hinder him, whether he had squashed all hope.
Elijah smiled at his quick response - that one, small word meant more to him than he could say. If Spencer wanted it to work, then they would find a way. He knew it wasn't a guarantee that it would, but it was worth a real shot.
He listened quietly, letting the other man's words sink in. He hadn't known it for sure, but he'd suspected it was something along those lines. He couldn't help his thoughts from wandering - was he right to be scared? What if he didn't know what he wanted? How could he, if he'd never done it before? But he disregarded the train of thought almost instantly. His gut was telling him the opposite. Spencer had clearly given it thought over their time apart, and he had faith in the man. Even if Spencer didn't have any in himself, Elijah had enough for both of them.
"Come here." He said softly, holding his hand out for the other man. With a small smile, his eyes trailed him closely as he made his way over, and when his hand met Spencer's, it sent a spark over his skin and through his entire body. He shifted slightly so he could sit, squeezing his fingers reassuringly as he tried to put his thoughts into some sort of order.
"I don't want you to feel obligated." He started, looking at their hands. "It was never my intention to ask more from you than you were ready to give. But I do understand." Elijah's heart was pounding as he prepared to reveal more of himself to Spencer than he ever had to anyone outside of Brooklyn and Hayden. It was true he was much more of an open book than Spencer, but he hadn't talked about Keyara in years, and he wasn't entirely certain it wouldn't change the man's opinion of him. But it was only fair - he had shared so much about himself, Elijah wanted to extend the same. He wanted Spencer to know him - to not only accept him for what he was now, but for all the things heâd done in the past. "When I left Ilvermorny...â He sighed, his eyes darting up to meet Spencerâs for just a second. âI married a woman." His words were quiet, and he licked his lips, nervous. "My slate is not as clean as you might think."
