oh, the boy's a slag

eli mars / 23 / i'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck

[elimcrs]

blczes:

blaze had thought about this conversation where he would talk about the songs he wrote for eli. when they were together, he hadn’t gotten a chance to talk about it because his music career hadn’t truly started til after they  broke up. now he was here, telling him about it. “uh.. yeah, a bit. they’re both happy and sad. the pronouns are just, you know, changed up a bit. the next single, when i was your man, especially,” blaze admitted, chewing on his lip as he spoke. he tried to keep it as indirect as he could, wanting to test the waters first. eli’s next set of words had blaze frowning deeper, feeling the need to change his mind about it. “and you’re important too,” he blurted out, not being able to stop himself before saying it.

Okay, so the confirmation was right there. Blaze had been writing songs about him too. And it made Eli feel somewhat giddy - he knew how talented the boy was, so to have a song written about him was definitely an honor. He wasn't surprised that the songs weren't happy ones - there was too much hurt between them. Still, he needed to know. "I uhm...what is it about?" Eli asked, looking down at his feet. He already suspected that the response would make him sad, but something deep inside made him want to ask. He didn't know whether he deserved the answer, though. "I..think I already told you . I would hate myself if I stood in the way of your music, Blaze."

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blczes:

blaze wasn’t sure how eli could even think that he would have a problem about him singing about him and their relationship. though he wouldn’t say it out loud, he was flattered that eli thought about him enough to write about him. it meant that their relationship had been meaningful enough. “i don’t think you’re, like.. exploiting me or anything. you can write about what you want.. i’ve done some writing too,” he replied, biting down on his lip nervously. he didn’t want to completely say out loud that he had written about him. “no, eli.. you don’t hurt me. i hurt the both of us.”

Eli often wondered about it, whether Blaze wrote songs about him too. Their phone conversation had pretty much confirmed it, however, he wanted to hear it right now, in person, while they were both sober . Which were the songs that he had to listen to to find himself? "Are...are those songs any similar to.. you know, mine?" Eli asked awkwardly, trying to get out the answer that he was looking for without actually saying it out loud. He hated this, hated that they just couldn't be honest with each other anymore. But that's how things were now, supposedly. "It wasn't your fault, though. Your career is important," he admitted, biting down on his lip afterwards. Did he actually just say it?

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blczes:

a sad expression crossed over blaze’s face at eli’s words. it was the truth, how could eli not be nervous around the person who hurt him? it made him realize just how wrong he had been in telling him not to be nervous along with mentioning their phone call. it just made him hurt eli more and he hated it. “i won’t listen to them if you don’t want me to,” he said, voice soft and quiet. “and i’m sorry for mentioning all of this.. you can just forget i did it. ..i don’t want to hurt you anymore,” blaze added quietly, swallowing roughly since he felt he was close to tears.

Even after their conversation, Blaze still didn't understand. Eli didn't hurt because of him, he hurt because of the way they were, because they couldn't be together, because everything was so awful between them. However, how could he say it out loud? It was so, so scary. "No, no, of course you can listen to them. I mean, if you want to. I just. Don't want you to think that I'm just... just using you as a subject for my songs, because.. because that's not the case and I really mean everything I just.." Eli got lost in his words, unsure of how to phrase them so that Blaze wouldn't look sadder than he already did. "I don't want to hurt you, either. I hate seeing you sad."

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blczes:

blaze wasn’t sure in what direction their conversation was heading in. it looked like they were almost subconsciously drifting towards the topics that were deep and honest. they obviously hadn’t been able to stay casual for long. “that’s okay, eli. i understand that because we haven’t been exactly happy nowadays,” blaze reassured him, wanting him to not feel like that about his songs that were so beautiful. “you don’t have to feel nervous with me.”

Of course, Blaze might say that he didn't have to feel nervous around him, but Eli couldn't help it, that's exactly how he felt. The boy was standing so close to him, making it hard for Eli to even breathe. How could he not feel anxious - everything he's ever wanted was standing right there, looking sad and making him ache to be touched. "I can't... I can't just not be that way, Blaze," Eli tried to explain, shaking his head."No, I don't think we've been all that happy lately, unfortunately. But that's why I'm not all that sure you''d like to listen to the songs," another sigh escaped his lips. Everything hurt.

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blczes:

blaze bit down on his bottom lip as he took in all of eli’s words, swallowing nervously. the way the boy was speaking made it seem like every word was directed towards him, which would basically mean he was admitting that his feeling for him were that strong. not knowing what to say that wouldn’t further complicate things, blaze cleared his throat and looked at eli. “so, um, when you said you were nervous about the person hearing your songs.. did you mean me?”

They were getting to something, apparently. All chances for the conversation to remain neutral were practically thrown in the wind as Blaze began getting more direct with his questions. Eli swallowed hard. He really wanted the boy to know the truth, but at the same time, he feared that they would only be getting themselves in a deeper mess than they already were. "Yeah, of course I meant you. And..and not all of those songs are happy ones. That's what makes me so nervous," he admitted, feeling practically frozen in the spot. Were they finally having a conversation that they deserved to have all that time ago?

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blczes:

blaze wasn’t sure if he should full on admit that he remembered when eli had told him the truth about writing all the songs for him. though, from the looks of it it seemed like eli remembered telling him about it. he didn’t know if it was good for them, but he wanted to keep prodding to see if he could find out what else eli remembered. “uh, well, it’s kind of hard to ignore certain lyrics. they can be really specific sometimes,” blaze replied, letting out another awkward laugh. “even before.. you told me, i had my suspicions. just didn’t think you would write about it.”

So, there it was. The confirmation that Blaze remembered the conversation they had. And frankly, Eli wasn't sure what to do with this information - to act chill and not bring it up again, or keep inquiring him about what it meant now. There was no more wondering about whether Blaze recognized him in the songs, it was right there, his words and the sadness in his eyes was enough proof for Eli. "I've always written about my feelings. I guess..when a feeling for someone is that strong, it's kind of hard not to let it out at least in my songs," he admitted, testing the weight of the words on his mouth, carefully watching Blaze to see his reaction.

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blczes:

blaze could see the sadness in eli’s eyes as he looked at him. his chest tightened at the sight, knowing he had at least a bit to do with it. he began to wonder if bringing stuff up like the phone call ad been a good idea, but it was too late to go back now. “yeah.. it’s really hard to pretend i don’t really know you,” he said softly, looking down at his hands for a couple moments before looking up. it was hard to look directly at eli because he could see how sad he was, but it was also hard to not look at him. “it’s not much fun having to sit there and watch your ex be asked about who they’re writing about,” he added, letting out a sad chuckle.

They were actually standing here, having a conversation that was drifting dangerously close to the one they'd had some time ago under the influence of alcohol. And Eli didn't think he was ready for it, but he wanted to keep pushing, see if Blaze really meant the things he had been saying before, if he still missed Eli. "Well, it's not like you have to wonder what those songs are about, right," Eli said, letting out a bitter chuckle. He couldn't believe that he was actually saying it right now, but then again, the lyrics were making it pretty obvious already. They were actually standing here, having a conversation that was drifting dangerously close to the one they'd had some time ago under the influence of alcohol. And Eli didn't think he was ready for it, but he wanted to keep pushing, see if Blaze really meant the things he had been saying before, if he still missed Eli. "Well, it's not like you have to wonder what those songs are about, right," Eli said, letting out a bitter chuckle. He couldn't believe that he was actually saying it right now, but then again, the lyrics were making it pretty obvious already.

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blczes:

blaze did look at eli while he spoke, gazing at his face. he almost wanted to sigh out at how beautiful the boy looked, the need to be near him stronger than before. but he knew he couldn’t do it and had to wave the thoughts away from his mind. “i just.. thought it’s be easier for the both of us if you hated me,” he replied softly with a sigh. he wasn’t sure why he was telling all of that to the boy, but he hoped hed be able to stop himself before saying anything that was too much. “i thought you had left the studio because you hated me and being around me. i guess i just wanted to confirm it.”

His response made Eli sigh again. Maybe he should've ignored him and kept running - if Blaze really thought that Eli hated him, it would be easier for him to move on and forget that there was ever a stupid boy named Elijah Mars in his life. Yet, here he was, looking at Eli with so much sadness in his eyes that it made the older of the two nearly choke up. "I know this would be easier if either one of us was able to hate," he replied, biting his lip and trying his best to avoid direct eye contact, but failing even at that. "I..I did run out because it's hard for me to be around you, but it's not because I hate you, no. It.... it's just really hard being so close to you and..and having to pretend like we're strangers."

[elimcrs]

blczes:

the way eli was stuttering awkwardly pretty much confirmed to blaze that he remembered the phone call. it made him want to hide his face from embarrassment, especially if eli happened to remember the part where he drunkenly admitted his feelings for the boy. though he was curious to know what he remembered, he knew that it would be such an awkward conversation for the both of them. “well, uh, it’s okay if you do.. that’s all i wanted to say,” blaze said, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. he wasn’t sure if he should change the subject or excuse himself at this point.

Everything about this situation could be described as undeniably awkward. Eli wanted Blaze to know that he remembered their conversation very well, that he loved him too (even when sober) and wished so badly that there was a way to make it all better. There was a devil inside him, nagging Eli to ask whether he had meant every word he said when he confessed, whether he really missed him and.. loved. However, they weren't allowed, and there was no way Blaze's father would ever approve. He loved Blaze, and that's exactly why he couldn't stand in the way of him and his music. "Look at me, Blaze," he asked, his voice quiet and unsure. "I don't hate you. I know that everything that happened wasn't your fault, so..so I don't hate you. I can't, actually."

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blczes:

blaze couldn’t help but let out a noise of surprise as eli reassured him that he didn’t hate him. a part of him felt relived that he wasn’t hated by the man he loved despite the fact that he hurt him. “i just.. thought you didn’t want to be around me because you hated me. and i thought it’d also be easier for the both of us if you did,” blaze admitted, voice low and soft. blaze’s eyebrows scrunched together in question, wondering what eli meant by his words. “what do you mean after what i told you? do you.. remember?” he trailed off, biting down on his bottom lip nervously.

Shit. He probably shouldn't have given Blaze an indication that he remembered anything from the confusing conversation they'd had the last time they were drunk. He didn't want Blaze to know that he remembered the last, teary I love you, but fuck, he couldn't let him think that Eli hated him either. They had gotten themselves in quite a mess. "Yeah...I mean..no..I just..I don't know," he shook his head, a frown marking a deep wrinkle between his eyebrows. Smooth, really smooth. "I don't know what I'm saying, Blaze, just ignore me," he tried to excuse himself, obviously rather awkwardly. He had poured way too much of his heart out in that conversation, and being reminded of it only made him hurt even more.

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blczes:

blaze released a sad sigh and nodded his head in agreement. they were in such a mess and he hated it. he hated not being able to help fix it and for being the reason they were like that. “i know.. its all such a mess. i really wish we weren’t like this,” blaze said, letting out  a small, frustrated huff of hair. he was frustrated at himself for letting things get like this, but he was definitely not frustrated at eli. he was so glad to be able to talk to the boy, even if it was awkward. “i bet if they knew you probably hated me they wouldn’t have paired us together.” blaze let out a sad chuckle, hoping it would lighten his comment.

Wait...did Blaze really think Eli hated him? The insinuation made the older male nearly gasp, but he held himself back. It was the very last thing he wanted Blaze to think, even though it would probably be easier. Whether out of spite, or because he wasn't quite ready to let go, Eli decided to speak up. "No, Blaze, I don't hate you, I fucking can't hate you. And that's exactly why it's so hard to be around you," he finally admitted, shaking his head. Had he just made everything worse? Probably. "It's quite the opposite, actually. And after what you told me, I know I can't even try to act like we get along. People would not be happy, I reckon."

[elimcrs]

blczes:

blaze let out a sigh as eli explained himself, nodding as he agreed with it. it wasn’t easy for him to be around eli either. it hurt him to just have to act like the boy was a stranger and not someone he was still completely in love with. “i know, it’s really hard. i had to tell the interviewer that i’ve only met you once,” blaze said with a small frown. “i don’t mean to make things hard for you, but for some reason we keep crossing paths.”

Blaze was, in fact, right about that. For some reason, they ended up in the same place at the same time, always. It didn't make forgetting Blaze any easier, the effect was quite the opposite - it made Eli miss him even more. And that's why he was sad, and that's why it was so hard to be here. The man he loved but wasn't allowed to want, standing so close to him, yet still unreachable. "I know you don't mean it, Blaze. It's just the way it is now. We're in a mess, everything fucking sucks, and there's nothing that can be done," he huffed, clear disappointment audible in his voice. At times like this, he wished that time travel technology existed, just to go back to how they once were. Happy and in love.

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blczes:

it was hard for blaze to hear eli basically confirm that they didn’t get along anymore. he already knew, but to hear it from the boy he still loved hurt. it was all his own fault, so in the end he deserved it. when he saw the disappointment in eli’s eyes, blaze had to wonder if it was directed at him and if the boy hated him now. “uh, i’m sorry,” blaze told him, a sad frown forming on his face. he looked away from eli’s face, feeling himself turn sad rather than nervous. “i’ll tell them not to do it anymore.”

He saw the defeated look on Blaze's face, and it made Eli let out a deep sigh. He didn't mean to imply that he didn't want to be around him, but it was very, very hard. He was aching to touch him, but he simply wasn't allowed. "Not what I meant, Blaze," he responded with a sad expression, shaking it's hard. "You...you must know it's not easy, right? To...to pretend like...like everything's okay in that studio, when it's actually still so hard to be around you," Eli admitted, his voice getting so quiet it was barely audible anymore. He just couldn't do it.

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blczes:

blaze hated to think that eli could think he was bad for his image, but there was no way to reassure him without making things more awkward than they already were.·“i guess they just thought we could get along,” he replied, letting out an awkward chuckle. if they were still dating or even if they hadn’t dated at all they probably would’ve gotten along just fine. but that wasn’t the case for them.·“it’s common for them to do double interviews. i did one with someone a few days ago that was releasing an album soon.”

Yeah, In another universe, they would surely get along. Where they didn't know each other yet, and didn't have a painful, unfortunate past to share. That was their thing - they had gotten along so wonderfully from the first day they met, and it didn't take them long after that to develop romantic feelings. Who knew that it could be taken away from them, too. "I guess they thought wrong, huh?" He asked, looking up at Blaze with unhidden disappointment in his eyes. He wasn't mad at him, god, no. He was angry at the world and the way it had treated them, angry that Blaze was practically a stranger to him now, angry that no matter what, he could not fall out of love with this stupidly gorgeous boy.

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blczes:

eli’s response basically confirmed to blaze that he had at least remembered the part of their phone call where he had admitted that it was his father’s fault that they weren’t together. it made blaze feel both relieved, yet nervous to know what else he remembered since a lot had been said that night. “that’s just what he thinks, not the truth,” blaze said soft, looking down at the ground nervously. he didn’t know why, but he felt like he needed to make that clear. “it was the label’s decision to have this interview, so it’s not like he can do anything, anyway.”

"Yeah, but he is your manager. So everything he says is how things are, I guess," he shrugged, fearing to raise his eyes and look at Blaze because then the boy would surely see the hurt and disappointment in Eli's eyes. Of course, it wasn't Blaze's fault that things were the way they were, but Eli always did think that the boy needed to stand up to his father more. He wasn't going to mention it, though, that was none of his business, after all. "I keep wondering why they chose us for the interview, not someone else," Eli asked, finally lifting his head up to look at Blaze once more. Why had everything changed?

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blczes:

blaze was quite taken aback by eli’s question, not expecting him to acknowledge anything like that. he could hear a slight bitterness to his voice and it made blaze wonder if eli disliked his father because he remembered that he was the reason they were apart or simply because the man had disapproved heavily when they were together. “yeah.. he’s probably mad about the interview,” he responded, not completely thinking his words through. “i mean, um, he’s probably mad about the question not about, like, the people involved,” he tried to correct himself. it probably only made things worse and he wanted to smack himself in the face for it. he could only hope eli didn’t understand what he meant.

A bitter chuckle escaped Eli's lips at Blaze's words. Of course, his father would disapprove of the label putting them two in the same interview, but then again, Eli could understand why they did that - putting a new and an established artist in the same interview was a smart tactic. "It's okay, Blaze. I know your father isn't very fond of me. You know, I'm bad for your image," Eli said, nodding his head at the boy. How could he forget - his father was the one who had wanted them to be apart. It was a good thing he wasn't present here today, otherwise the desire to punch him right in the face would be too strong. No parent should tell their child who they can and can't love.

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blczes:

thoughts of whether eli was talking about him popped into blaze’s mind.  he remembered how eli basically admitted that he was his muse. but he didn’t want to straight up ask because, well, things were awkward and he didn’t want to make them even more awkward. “maybe you should show them,” he suggested awkwardly, mostly because he was trying to either confirm or deny his thoughts. before he could say anything else, his phone vibrated in his pocket. looking at the screen, a frown formed on his face as he saw it was from his father. if he had to guess it would be to complain about how the interview had been with eli. answering the call, he brought the phone to his ear. “i’ll call you back soon. kind of busy right now. bye, dad,” he he said hurriedly, hanging up. blaze knew that he’d probably get scolded for that later. “uh, sorry. i had to answer that.”

Blaze was suggesting that he should show the songs to the person that they were about, and it kind of confirmed Eli's suspicion that he knew there was no one else he could be singing about. Still, Eli wasn't sure whether admitting it out loud was a good idea. Not unless he wanted to embarrass himself by bursting into tears right here on the spot. "I...don't think those are the kind of songs they would like to hear anymore," Eli shook his head, but before he could say anything more, Blaze's phone rang. A small frown appeared on Eli's face, but he stayed quiet, letting the boy take his call. "Was...that your dad?" Eli asked with slight bitterness in his voice, vaguely remembering the voice. He had always been disapproving of their relationship, and no matter how Eli tried to prove that he was good for his son, it simply wasn't possible.