My name is Eli

This is my sad boi side blog. My profile picture is a baby photo because it's the last time I actually looked like a boy outside of drag. If you know me in real life please kindly ignore this page and do not follow.

[elithinks]

Sometimes I really wish that I had more ways to die

[elithinks]

I wish I could die so that I could at least try to do it

[elithinks]

Life is fair

Life is horribly, cruelly, relentlessly fair

Life is fair in the most heartbreaking of ways at the worst of times

Life is fair when bad people receive good things

Life is fair when children die

Life is fair when the broken are beaten and the damned are blessed

Life has no choice but to be fair

Life has no agency to pick favorites

Life cannot say that which is created is good or bad or what it deserves

Life cannot say that the bad are beyond redemption

Life cannot say that good things run out

Life cannot say that beyond this point once you have done this thing you are no longer deserving

Life cannot say no to death

Life cannot say this one is too early

Life cannot say it is too soon they deserve more please let me keep them longer

Life cannot say that’s enough

Life cannot say this one has been through too much

Life cannot say beyond this point there is no more bad or good

Life cannot control the beings it gives itself to

Life cannot limit the experiences of life

Life is good and bad and all matter otherwise

Life is good and to hold that back from a single one of its creations is to hold back itself

Life is bad and to protect a single one of its charges is to damn them to a life without life

Life is fair

Life is cruel because it loves

Life is uncaring because it cares

Life is unfair because it has no choice but to be fair

[elithinks]

She doesn’t care. She found my room empty and my phone on the bed and she was upset for a moment but now she’s just taking a shower

[elithinks]

If I took the yard trimmings I’ve been putting off taking to the compost center and heaped them up behind the shed and somehow killed my self inside the heap I wonder if my body would be fully decomposed before they found me

[elithinks]

It’s 1 am and it’s so fucking hot, I can’t sleep, I have a headache, my legs are sore from scratching, they don’t care about me and still haven’t done anything to even try to confirm I’m still here, I feel like I’m losing everything, and I just want to die

[elithinks]

I don’t know why I’m so full of fear, I never want to be seen again, I never want to be found

[elithinks]

I could probably slip out without them noticing at all, I’d just have to be careful to keep the screen door as silent as possible, I could probably make it to the highway before they even knew it

[elithinks]

It’s hard to believe a text that says I love you when it comes in moments after posting about feeling completely unwanted and uncared for and wanting to die

At this point every noise from outside is making me jump and I wish I could just vaporize into nothingness because nothing in this room would be effective enough to kill myself to not leave way too high of a chance of failure

[elithinks]

The last thing I said to either of them was that I was not okay before falling asleep on the floor in my closet thinking about how long it would be before they found me if I was dead there and now hours after they got home(having left immediately after asking if I was okay and just saying “okay” when I said not) with neither of them ever making any attempts to check on me that I know of it’s really fucking hard not to walk out the door and jump off an overpass

[elithinks]

Nobody cares about me and I don’t know how to keep living

[elithinks]

I regret to inflict this familiarity upon you

My dear little beast

Days upon days of fighting

Days upon days of silence

With your people in the same room barely a moment

And today

A door closing

With only one of your people on the same side as you

In a deep sad silence

With only the saddest and weakest reassurances offered to you

My dear little beast

I regret to believe you remember this sadness and silence

With but one of your people out the door

Nowhere that you can claim to know

No time of return you can claim to know

My dear little beast

I wish this wasn’t familiar to you

And I wish it soon isn’t familiar anymore

You deserve your people

My dear little beast

You deserve love

My dear little beast

You do not deserve this

This sad silent familiarity

[elithinks]

I have nowhere to go and nothing to do and no one to reach out to and I just don’t even want to fucking exist right now

[elithinks]

I’m cold and alone and I feel like that’s what I deserve

[sjowgren-deactivated20240728]

this isn’t fun anymore i need a kiss

[elithinks]

I woke up well before my wife today and ad I lay here while she sleeps, giving her little kisses when she stirs, I don't think it's a coincidence that our hands are the perfect size to cup each others faces

[elithinks]

One day

When we are immortal beings

Many infinite eternities from now

Beyond comprehension

Living in unimaginable dimensions

That theoretical physicists can't even theorize

When we have lived every existence

When we have done every thing

When I have given you every gift

I will give you myself as a gift

So that you may never desire more of me

Because that is the one gift I will never stop giving you

One day

When we are gods

Many existences from now

Full of wisdom

Living in service of our devotees

Who will be completely alien to our humble beginnings

I will give you universes as gifts

I will give you galaxies as gifts

I will give you planets as gifts

I will give our planets life as gifts to you

I will give you existence as a gift

So that you may see beauty in it

Because you have already given me existence and life and worlds

One day

When we are the old ones

Many lifetimes from now

Not gods but not people

In a strange limbo between higher power and unknown power

I will give you small things as gifts

I will give you morning dew as a gift

I will give you the first breath in after waking up as a gift

I will give you footprints about to be erased as gifts

I will give you just the right lighting as a gift

I will give you glimpses of unknown things as gifts

So that you may savor these things a moment longer

Because you have already given me every small moment and every little thing

One day

When we are old people

Many decades from now

Wrinkled and worn

Tired and weary

So much life behind us

But not yet at the end

I will give you memories as gifts

I will give you old half forgotten dances as gifts

I will give you long standing jokes as gifts

I will give you remnants of youth as gifts

I will give you our history as a gift

So that we can feel our long gone youth one more time

Because you have already given me a future

One day

When we are parents

Many years from now

Our children somewhere between growing and grown

Still in our home but preparing for their own

Dreaming of being better than us

I will give you love as gifts

I will give you care as gifts

I will give you photo albums as gifts

I will give you moments together as gifts

So that our family will always have love

Because you have already given me family and love and care

One day

When we are grown up

Who knows how long from now

We will have a home together

A little plot of land together

We will grow things and have animals

We will have what we've dreamed of

I will give you chores already done and not to be worried about as gifts

I will give you harvests well earned as gifts

I will give you animals well cared for as gifts

I will give you my hands as gifts

So that you may rest easy

Because you have already given my heart a place to grow in you

One day

When we are still figuring it out

Not long from now

We will have many things

We will have many needs

We will have no clue what to do or how

I will give you reheated leftovers as gifts

I will give you bad jokes late at night as gifts

I will give you stupid solutions that work as gifts

I will give you "I told you so"s at my expense as gifts

So that you can enjoy even the hard times

Because you have already given me joy in every moment I have with you

Today

When we are us

At this moment now

When I love you and you love me

With so many lives and existences together ahead of us

As you sleep beside me

So peaceful

Gorgeous in the light from outside our window

As I feel your warmth beside me

As I listen to you breathe

I give you myself as a gift

So that you may never desire more of me

Because that is the one gift I will never stop giving you

Because you have already given me everything