Hi! I'm Eliza, a crazy 24-year-old Christian girl who makes computers sing and writes stories!
G/t sideblog: @smolgirlbigdreams
Main sideblog: @caitlynwithalyn
https://ko-fi.com/elizaditton
Too Small To Be Afraid: #too small to be afraid, #tstba
UTAU stuff: #utau, #openutau
OCs: #oc: kaylin, #oc: derrick (more to come)
Hi there! I'm Eliza Ditton, a crazy Christian girl who makes computers sing and writes stories! I love making digital art and working on video projects and animations as well!
My main project is currently "Perthea," and its universe, characters (mainly my OCs Kaylin Finch and Derrick Drake), and stories. This includes my book, Too Small To Be Afraid (about a human girl who has to overcome her fear of giants at school). Here's the masterpost for that! There's also companion songs I wrote for the book, A Longing For A World I've Not Known and My Hands. The versions posted right now use my UTAUloids/computer singers, but I plan to redub them with human singers soon and make more companion songs. Last note on TSTBA, I do plan to have the book published and to create an audiobook! More info on that soon.
As for making computers sing, I love using vocal synths (specifically UTAU and OpenUtau) and I post my projects on my YouTube channel! I also post my animation projects there! (My animation skill is definitely a work in progress, though!)
Thanks for reading! I will likely update this post from time to time with more details on my projects as they progress! And my askbox is always open to any questions or comments!
Hey! Long time no see! For those who don't remember me, I'm Eliza, and I used to regularly post a G/t story called Too Small To Be Afraid. After semi-regular updates from April of 2023 through December of 2024, I took a step back as life had gotten a little busy and I wanted to make the first draft of the story as good as it could be before eventually self-publishing. I decided to avoid posting regular updates until the book was completely finished, for the sake of quality.
I have come here today to inform you all that:
✨️🌈 i have changed my mind 🌈✨️
While I can't make any promises (especially since I'm about to get married and move over 3,000 miles away), I realized the way I've been going about working on this story has been... unnecessarily difficult, and I'd like to resume regular posting.
Some thoughts that led to this decision:
This story is never going to be perfect. It may be my magnum opus, but I would rather have fun with it than worry about it being perfect.
I'd rather be part of a community than a self-published author. Having people be able to enjoy my work means more to me than having a physical copy or perfect prose with all the perfect words.
Treating the book as a whole that I will have to do multiple drafts of rather than dealing with smaller, manageable chunks has—big shocker—made working on it not fun anymore!
ALL THIS BEING SAID, don't expect an update right away, but I'm going to try posting updates for this story regularly again. Hopefully I will have something to share soon!
I may still revise the story in the future, and if that happens I will leave the original untouched and make a "new" version with its own links and whatnot. But that isn't the goal right now.
Thanks for reading!
Oh yeah also I got a Bluesky finally, so if anyone wants to follow me on there my handle is elizaditton.bsky.social!
So I'm still alive by the way!! You'll see more of me on my side blogs, @caitlynwithalyn (general side blog) and @smolgirlbigdreams (G/t side blog).
I wanted to update you all on the progress of Too Small To Be Afraid. I'm still working on the next chapter. (Technically chapter twenty-one, but I've since combined some of the early chapters in my draft.) I've been struggling with some issues recently that have prevented me from being able to write. I also work two jobs and sometimes have no free weekends as a result. I've been feeling better recently, so I'm going to try to get back into writing.
I know I said the book would be available for free, but I may have to go back on that since I want to publish. Once I finish it, I may have to nuke it from the internet for a bit due to certain contracts. I apologize for this. I will aim to have the book available online but I'm not sure how it's going to work out just yet.
I'm aiming to have the first draft finished by the end of the year, but with my mental state and current jobs I'm not 100% sure that's going to happen. We will see. At least I have the entire outline finished!
I hope to post updates on my progress more frequently. Not sure which blog I'll post those updates to yet, but we'll see!
Lastly, I wanted to make sure you all know I'm going to be finishing the draft, editing, and publishing first before any other part of the story becomes available for free online. This is for quality assurance.
I hope you are all doing well. Thank you for bearing with me!
Here's a rough (and I mean rough) storyboard for a scene from Too Small To Be Afraid!!
Too Small To Be Afraid is a book (in progress as of this writing) about a human girl learning to overcome her fear of pertheans-- beings who measure twenty times taller than humans-- when she's forced to share a desk with one at school. You can read it here on Tumblr or on my Wattpad!
This artwork is the first I finished on my Galaxy Tab from start to finish! (And can I just say, I love that tablet so much, wonderful investment, Clip Studio Paint can go with me wherever now 😭❤️)
This piece is loosely based on chapter 14 of Too Small To Be Afraid, where Kaylin is in awe of the cherry blossoms. (I got lazy and didn't draw her blazer 🥲)
"My eyes immediately widen when it comes into view. The big blossoms float about in the sky high above us, and little petals rain down all around like snowflakes. This is a sight I’ve only ever dreamt about or seen in movies before. I never thought I’d get to see something like this for myself!"
Too Small To Be Afraid is about a human girl learning to overcome her fear of pertheans--a race of people twenty times larger than humans-- after she's forced to share a desk with one at school. You can read the story here on Tumblr. Also available on WattPad!
Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter (Coming Soon!)
- - - - -
I snatch my bookbag as I hurry out of my bedroom and down the hall. If I want to avoid having this conversation, I've got to make my rush look convincing!
"Hey, sweetheart," Dad says when he sees me enter the living room. "What's the big hurry? You've got plenty of time before school starts!"
"Y-yeah, I know," I say, trying the handle to the front door of our apartment. It's locked. "I just wanted to get there early to catch up some more with Brittney."
Dad chuckles. "Well, if you leave this early, you're still going to be waiting for the school to open when you get there!"
"Not a problem! I'm fine with that," I say as I turn the lock on the door and open it.
"Kaylin, come now. It's far too early to be leaving for school. You haven't even had— Aah!" he flinches when two golden brown slices of bread arise from the toaster with a sudden pop.
I can't help but smile. Dad's generally pretty fearless, often to the point of being reckless. Seeing him get scared by some toast is so out of character that I can't help but laugh.
Dad clears his throat and pushes up his glasses. "As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," he says, eyeing the toast, "you haven't even had any breakfast. Come on, I'll make you some toast."
I look between Dad and the door. If I stay, he's sure to want to pick up where we left off last night. Talking about school is the last thing I want to do! Yet the more I stand here, the more the emptiness in my gut begs me to eat something. Heaving a sigh, I set down my bookbag and close the door.
"So," Dad begins in a tone that can only begin to hint at all the questions he must have for me. "How are you feeling about school?"
"It's... okay," I say as I sit myself down at the kitchen table, trying to bury any complex feelings I have about the whole 'being completely blindsided by your own dad and sent to a school full of the very people you live in fear of' thing.
"Just okay?" he asks, looking back at me as he butters the toast. "You seemed pretty eager to head out the door just a second ago."
"Yeah, well... it's complicated." I say, turning my eyes to the table. "There's things I like, and... things I don't."
Dad hums in response, smothering an already buttery slice of toast with what looks to be enough raspberry jam for two separate slices. "Well, what sorts of things do you like about school?"
I move my jaw from side to side, growing more frustrated the harder I try to think of something about Pacific that I actually like that won't result in Dad bombarding me with more and more questions. I like talking with Brittney, and in spite of my fear I actually somewhat like being Derrick's deskmate— although I'd rather not be surrounded by other pertheans at school. Whenever a perthean student speaks up or even coughs in class, it sends shivers down my spine! And I really like being friends with Derrick, but I can't help but wish he was human. If he were human, I wouldn't be so terrified of him. I hate that I'm still scared of him, because I really do value the friendship we've been developing over the past few weeks.
"How about your friends?" Dad asks, setting a plate of toast in front of me. "Didn't you say you'd been hanging out with your deskmate?"
A knot forms in my core. This is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
"Y-yeah," I say, hoping he'll drop the topic if I respond.
Dad pulls up a chair across from me. "Why don't you tell me about your deskmate? Darren, right?"
"D-Derrick," I correct him.
"Right. Why don't you tell me about him? What's he like?" Dad asks, propping his head onto his hands like a teenage girl at a slumber party waiting to hear the latest gossip.
I try to keep a straight face, but a chuckle escapes me. Dad never ceases to surprise me!
"U-um, well, he's... nice," I start. "We both like Aven Gem games like Flower Town, and we both have FlexPads."
Dad nods, encouraging me to continue.
"He likes to study languages, and he's really good at Koronian," I say. "I think he wants to teach English in North Eris one day."
"That's nice. He sounds like a good kid," Dad says. "So what do the two of you usually do together?"
My heart sinks, and blood drains from my face. How am I supposed to answer that? Should I tell him Derrick is helping me with my fear? No, that'll be a huge win for him for sure!
I don't know why, but when I think about Dad hearing positive things about my experience at Pacific, I can't help but imagine him giving himself a huge pat on the back. I can't let him win this one, not when he lied to me about the move and completely blindsided me by enrolling me in this school. Even if I got lucky with Derrick, sending me to Pacific was still a terrible idea, and I'm not about to let Dad take the credit for what Derrick and I have been accomplishing.
"Well, we've studied together. We also just... um... talk," I say.
"Hm. And what sorts of things do you talk about?" Dad asks.
"Uh... j-just about anything! School, video games, movies..."
"And does he know about your fear?"
Why is he cornering me like this? Why is he so desperate to pry into this area of my life?
"Does it matter?" I retort, turning my attention to the toast in front of me and taking a bite. There's too much jam, but it tastes good mixed with the butter, so I don't mind.
Dad leans back in his chair. "Whether or not you tell him about your fear is up to you, but I think it would benefit the two of you to be on the same page."
I remain silent, taking another bite of toast.
"Do you plan on telling him?" Dad asks.
My insides twist as I look down, searching for the right thing to say. I come up empty.
Dad leans forward. "Does he already know?"
"Dad, I... I don't want to talk about this anymore." I manage, setting down my toast and clenching my jaw. Why is he doing this?
Dad sighs. "I get it, I do. Being at this school isn't easy for you. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about it, okay?"
"But you don't get it, Dad!" I hiss, standing up and planting my hands on the table. "You've never had a fear like mine! That's why you thought you could just send me to a school like Pacific and make me get over it!"
"That's not true," Dad says, crossing his arms.
"You want a quick fix for something that's plagued me all my life, but I can't get over my fear if I'm drowning in it," I utter, my voice cracking. "If you really cared, you'd leave me alone instead of throwing me to the wolves!"
Eyes glazing over, I turn and march toward the front door, leaving Dad behind at the kitchen table.
"Kaylin," Dad says, his tone growing more serious. "I don't want a quick fix for you or to throw you to the wolves. It's because I care about you that I want you to grow!"
"Forcing me to be around pertheans isn't going to undo what I saw!" I yell, slamming the door behind me as I exit the apartment.
My vision blurs as I head down the hall, and I blink away the tears that try to form. Dad's ignorance about my fear drives me up the wall! He knows what I saw and what I had to go through because of it, and he still thinks I can just get over it like an old habit!
The elevator door opens when I press the call button, and I sigh as I step inside. What am I going to do?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I let out a yawn as I wander down Seren Avenue, my eyelids still drooping from a lack of sleep. Why did I have to get up so early?
I gaze at the skylights above me, hoping the undercity's artificial lighting will be enough to help keep me awake. The screens display flowering trees reaching up towards a cloudy sky. Back in Maedri, the skylights displayed cherry blossoms during the springtime. Although the trees on these skylights do have some flowers, they're mostly filled with green leaves that pale in comparison to the beautiful shades of pink I'm used to seeing at the start of each year. I miss those old skylights. I miss Maedri.
I amble through the undercity, eyes fixed on the nature scene above. That's when something bumps into me from behind.
"Ah—! I'm sorry!" the boy behind me utters. His black hair and wide green eyes are all too familiar, and I immediately recognize the green blazer he's wearing as being from Pacific.
"Oh," he says, his eyes suddenly narrowing as his voice deepens. "It's just you."
"Y-yeah. Sam, right?" I ask.
He nods.
"This is the second time you've bumped into me. Don't you usually wear glasses?" I ask. "You'd be able to see where you're going with them on."
Sam's face reddens as he turns his gaze to the floor. "I... I look cooler without them."
"You should at least wear contacts so you can—" I start, only to be cut off by Sam weaving around me and running off. "Hey!"
I run after him, and am nearly out of breath by the time I catch up with him.
"Can I help you?" he asks flatly.
"Can I ask you something?"
He sighs, not even stopping or turning to face me. "I guess."
"Why are you always speeding off? Did I do something wrong?" I ask.
"That's two questions," he states, annoyed.
"Sorry."
"Look," he says, finally turning his head back to address me. "I'm not great with people, okay? I prefer to be alone."
"Is that why you're at Pacific?" I ask, my curiosity growing.
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean—" he stumbles over his words before letting out another sigh. "I have my own reasons for going."
I suppose Pacific looks good on university applications, being a private school and all.
"Is that why you're at Pacific?" he turns the question back to me.
"I-I... well, sort of. My dad made me go."
"Ugh. My parents made me go, too."
"I thought you had your own reasons for going," I say, raising an eyebrow.
"I—! I do! It's just... since we moved here from Erimathea, they wanted to make sure I was... adjusting."
"Adjusting?" I ask.
"You know, to the whole... different sizes thing," he states.
"I guess it's sort of the same for me," I say. "I've lived most of my life in the undercity, so I've never really been around pertheans. It's... a difficult adjustment."
"It can be hard," Sam says, focusing on the path ahead of us. "And on top of that, I can't really talk to anyone about it without looking like I have something against pertheans."
"Tell me about it," I huff. "And the weirdest part is that other humans get so defensive when you tell them you're afraid of pertheans. They act like we're making us all look bad or something."
Sam stops dead in his tracks, nearly causing me to bump into him. "What did you just say?" he asks, turning around slowly.
Wait, what did I just say?! Did I let myself carelessly spill my biggest secret to some near stranger?!
"Uh—! I—!" I stutter, backing up from the boy in front of me.
"Did you just say you have—"
"I have to go!" I blurt out before darting around Sam and continuing toward the school.
"Wait!"
Something in me gives in, and I come to a slow stop a few yards in front of Sam. What am I doing? He's just going to tell me off!
A moment of silence passes us by. It dares me to turn around and face the boy behind me, but I can't.
"I... I thought I was the only one," he finally says.
I spin around. "W-what?" I ask, confusion setting in as I ponder what he could possibly mean. "The only one who...?"
"The only one who had... a fear," he finishes.
My eyes widen, and I take a few steps toward Sam. "You mean... you have a fear, too?"
He sighs, looking off to the side before returning his gaze to me. "Didn't I just say that?"
"I've never met anyone else with a fear of pertheans," I whisper as questions begin to flood my mind.
"Neither have I," he says, shifting in place.
"Have you ever told anyone?" I ask.
Sam cranes his neck back and stares at the skylights. "My parents know... and that only resulted in some pretty useless therapy."
"Useless, huh?" I say as we continue our walk.
"Yeah, all they really tell you in therapy is to expose yourself to your fears and hope things improve."
"I guess I had the same experience. My dad always says things will improve with exposure and time. I think he stole that line from my old therapist. I was too young to remember most of what she taught me," I say, rubbing one arm.
"So you struggled as a kid?"
"Yeah... when they started mixing humans and pertheans back in stage two, I would often have panic attacks at school," I cringe as my mind fills with unwanted memories. "The others would call me 'Kaylin Flinch,' or 'Flinching Finch.'"
"Kids can be brutal," Sam sighs.
"Yeah. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had a fear?"
Sam narrows his eyes. "Since around the time I moved here, right before stage four. I tried a few different schools to see if exposure could help. Some were mixed, some were not. But no amount of exposure ever really helped."
I shift my gaze to the floor. What if Dad is wrong? Not that I want him to have something he can gloat about, but what if exposure and time aren't the keys to getting over my fear of pertheans? What if all the time I'm spending with Derrick after school isn't going to help me after all?
Sam stops, so I stop too. I look up, and above us is the sign for Pacific, dimly lit and weathered as usual. It's odd how something can decay like that when it's underground, completely unexposed to the elements of the surface world.
I look at Sam, and immediately, something feels off. The softness in his eyes has all but disappeared, and his posture is oddly stiff. I can't quite explain it, but there seems to be some kind of odd, dark energy emanating from him. I take a step back.
"Sam?" I try.
He opens the door to the school's lobby. "I have to go," he mumbles.
"So soon? We can at least walk out to the pick-up balcony together—"
"No," he interrupts, clutching the strap of his bookbag. "I-I'll... I'll see you later."
With that, he scurries off across the room and up a creepy old stairwell. Those stairs lead to the school's human hallways just like the elevators do, but I've never seen anyone take them. I sigh and enter an opening elevator with some other students. Will I ever understand this guy?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Taking a deep breath, I close my locker and adjust the strap of my bookbag. I haven't seen Sam since he managed to scurry off again, and something tells me I'm not going to for a while, no matter how curious I am about what's going on in his head. I thought it'd be nice to have a friend who understands what having a fear is like, but I don't imagine this guy really wants anything to do with me.
The balcony is crowded as usual, and I'm surprised when I see Derrick standing beside it. Usually, I have to search for a while to pick him out of the perthean crowd. Kevin is standing beside him with Brittney on his shoulder. A smile spreads across my face, and I hurry over to the group.
"It's good that you came back in spite of all that," Kevin says to Derrick.
"I'll still never forgive that jerk for what he did to you, though!" Brittney huffs.
I stop. What are they talking about? My heart races as I look around me for some place to hide. I decide to hide at the end of the balcony, where there's a perthean-sized plant of some kind, with long green leaves that are tall enough to keep me hidden. I just hope nobody peers around the plant and sees me!
"I'm sure he didn't withdraw just to hurt me," Derrick whispers. "It was complicated."
Wait, is he talking about his previous deskmate? The one he said had moved away?
"Well, whatever the reason, he had no right to just abandon you," Brittney says. "You two were the talk of the school for weeks after you both left!"
Derrick shuffles. "I know, but—"
"And now that you're back, people are starting to wonder if something's going to happen to Kaylin," Brittney says.
People are talking about Derrick and I? Whatever for?! What could possibly happen to me that would cause me to withdraw?
What did Derrick do to his old deskmate?!
Before I have much of a chance to think, something pulls me up into the air by the back of my blazer! My gut twists and churns, and what little breakfast I managed to get down threatens to reappear. The room spins as I kick and scream, hoping to get away from whoever snatched me up without so much as a warning.
I gaze beside me and realize my mistake when I see that Derrick, Brittney, and Kevin are all looking in my direction with wide eyes, just like everyone else in the room.
"Cherryn! Calm down! It's just me!" bellows a deep feminine voice above me as I'm placed onto a warm, leathery surface. "Look, I'm sorry I freaked you out! I won't do it again!"
My heart pounds a thousand times a minute as I look up into a pair of soft brown eyes. They widen when they meet my gaze.
"O-oh my gosh...! You're not Cherryn! I'm so sorry!" the girl apologizes as the hand beneath me begins to shake.
"Kaylin!" calls a familiar voice.
I turn around, arms glued to my trembling frame, and breathe a sigh of relief to see my deskmate approaching.
Wait, Derrick?! What if he realizes I was eavesdropping? Won't he be mad at me?
I quake like a leaf in a windstorm as I'm transferred from one pair of cupped hands to another, the muffled voices overhead conversing as I continue to worry about so many things at once. What's going to happen to me? Can I really trust Derrick?
"Hey," Derrick whispers, bringing the cupped hands I'm in closer to his face. "Are you alright?"
I stare into his eyes with uncertainty. I was starting to feel so sure around Derrick, but now? What am I supposed to think?
"I-I..." I start, reaching up to my face as warm tears begin to fall. "I don't know."
Derrick's brows turn upward, and his eyes soften. "Don't worry. You will be," he says, gently stroking my shoulder with his thumb. "Come on, let's go to class."
Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter
While having Derrick walk me home hasn't been the worst part of the evening so far, it definitely hasn't been the best, either. I was hardly able to walk onto my deskmate's hand after seeing how angry he was with his dad. What if he suddenly turns on me with that same rage in his eyes?
Our walk has been a quiet one for the most part, although Derrick has tried breaking the silence between us a few times now.
"It's just... he's always comparing me to John," he says. "I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted him to stop!"
Staring down at my deskmate's open palm in contemplation, my mind continues to race after the events that occurred just a few minutes ago. I don't dare meet Derrick's eyes after seeing him so angry. As I hug my trembling frame, I nod along to what he says, although I'm not really listening.
He sighs. "I guess I let myself blow up back there. I'm really sorry, Kaylin."
I hug myself a little tighter as the cold evening air bites at my skin. How am I supposed to respond to him? All I can see when I close my eyes is an enraged perthean, and he thinks he can just brush this off after a quick apology?
"Kaylin..." Derrick whispers as he comes to a stop, his voice cracking. "Won't you even look at me?"
I keep my head down without uttering a word, my lip trembling as I blink back tears. I want to forgive him. I want things to go back to the way they were before the argument. But as I search myself for any fragment of strength that would allow me to let this whole thing go, I begin to worry that things aren't going to be the same between us after what went down tonight.
"Kaylin, please," he tries again, lifting me to his face.
I scoot back in terror when those big blue eyes of his come into view. Who does he think he is?! First he practically explodes back in the dining room, and now he uses his size against me to get me to look him in the eyes?!
"W-what are you doing?!" I hiss, my jaw clenching as a knot forms deep in my gut.
"I..." Derrick starts, pulling me away from his face. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
I wipe my eyes on the sleeve of my blazer, trying my hardest to calm the rage that's already boiled over within me. "Well, I'm not, okay?"
Derrick frowns. "Do you... want to talk about it?" he whispers.
I reluctantly look up at the perthean boy cradling me in his hands. His usually warm, caring eyes are now drooping with sadness. I expected them to be filled with fury and spite, but as I gaze up at them, they seem to overflow with guilt and worry. He's worried? How could he be worried?
He sighs, leaning against the exterior wall of my apartment building. "Listen, I know all of that must have been hard for you to sit through, and if you don't want to relive it right now, I understand. But I'm here if you need to talk about it."
I turn my head back to Derrick's hand, the words I want to say bubbling to the surface but not leaving my lips. There's so many things I want to tell him, so many things I want to understand. But for as long as we've steeped in the silence between us, not once has a single string of words formed a complete thought in my mind.
Derrick sighs again, kneeling down and placing the hand I'm in on the ground.
"Derrick," I utter quietly as he sets me down, my voice cracking. "I... I do want to talk about it. It's just..."
Another moment of silence passes us by as I beg the words hiding deep in my heart to come together in some way that makes sense.
"It's just...?" he asks.
"There's so much I want to say. I don't know where to start."
"I understand," he says, sitting himself down beside the building. "You can start anywhere. Pour out the pieces, and we can work on putting them together."
I gulp before taking another look at my deskmate. Although I can sense genuine kindness emanating from him, my body continues to shudder relentlessly.
"I-I..." I start, stopping only for a moment to take a deep breath before continuing. "I just don't understand. Why did you react that way? Why did you get so... angry?"
Derrick turns his glance away from me as his brows turn upward. "For your sake, I really wish I didn't let what Dad was saying affect me like it did. He's been at this every day since I failed my equivalency exam late last year, and I guess something in me finally snapped."
"Every day?" I ask.
He nods. "He's been comparing me to John nonstop, like I'm not as successful as he is just because of that stupid exam. He says I slacked off instead of studying, but the only reason I didn't study as much was because I thought I had that exam in the bag. I was doing so well in school, and I even had the best grades in my class, but I guess that just wasn't good enough."
I ponder his words for a moment. "What do you think he wants?"
"What he wants is impossible," Derrick sighs. "He wants me to change the past. To have never dropped out of Pacific in the first place. Maybe then I would have passed that exam."
"C-can I ask you something?"
He nods.
"Why did you want to come to Pacific?" I ask. "Why did you leave? And why come back now?"
"I, er..." he starts, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. "That's... a lot of questions," he says.
"I-I'm sorry," I sputter, my insides twisting and turning. One wrong move might cause my deskmate to explode again at any moment!
"No, it's okay," he says, looking up at the night sky. "It's just... a lot to unpack."
Derrick shifts in his spot on the ground, and I gaze up at him curiously as I steady myself in his hand. How could someone who was so angry before suddenly act so calm?
"I didn't get to choose at first," he says. "My parents picked Pacific because it's a good school. Initially, I didn't really care what school I went to, but then..."
I wait for him to finish, but he doesn't. As my curiosity grows, I bite the inside of my cheek. Should I say something?
"Did... something change?" I finally ask.
"Well, yeah, I suppose," he says, his voice beginning to shake. "Um... you see, I've never really been great at making friends, so... I became sort of excited that I'd have someone to talk to, even though we would technically be forced into a pairing."
"Oh," I say, the cogs beginning to turn in my mind. Could this be why he was so overly friendly when we met? Could this be why he had such a small birthday party?
"I... I think we got along fairly well," Derrick says, his eyes darting around as he scratches his cheek with his free hand. "But, he... my first deskmate..."
His hand twitches beneath me as he avoids making eye contact.
"What happened?" I ask, my mind beginning to burn with curiosity.
"After a few months, his family suddenly decided to move away," he states matter-of-factly. "I was left without a deskmate, so... I had to wait for another from a wait list. But the process was taking a long time, and..."
His brows furrow, and his eyes begin to glaze over. He blinks a few times, his eyes turned to the ground. I didn't realize how hard these questions would be for him.
"It was sort of embarrassing being the only student without a deskmate," he whispers. "Rumors started spreading about what could have happened, and... I ended up dropping out before they could finish assigning me another deskmate."
"Oh," I whisper back, unsure if he heard me or not. "But... you came back?"
"Mostly to get my dad off my back, and partly because I missed seeing Kevin and Brittney at school," he says. "But I also wanted to..."
Our eyes finally meet. I search those big blue orbs of his for what it is he's trying to say, but I come up empty. His hand starts to faintly quiver beneath me, which only brings more questions to mind. What is he trying to say? What are his intentions at Pacific? What are his intentions with me?
"Derrick?" I ask. "Are you okay?"
He tilts his head to the side, the corners of his lips pulling into a small smile. "Yeah. It's nothing, really. Look, I'm sorry I let all this get to me. I should have realized my response could hurt you."
"Th-that's okay," I say, looking down. "I'm sorry I got so upset. I know I still can't control my fear very well, but... I should have at least remembered you're a person like me who can experience different sorts of feelings, including anger."
"That's okay, I understand," he says. He holds out a single finger in front of me. "Friends?"
"W-what?" I stammer, confused. "What are you doing?"
He laughs. "I guess this would be my version of a hand shake. Brittney told me when people make up on Earth, they often shake hands."
"Shake... hands?" I say, cautiously placing my hands around my deskmate's fingertip.
"So, what do you say? Friends?" he asks again.
"F-friends," I answer.
To my surprise, he gently moves his finger up and down before pulling it away. He lets out a sigh of relief as he smiles at me. Although I can still feel a twisting knot in my gut, I smile back. I just hope things can go back to normal between us.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey, hon. How was your time with your friend?" Dad asks when I close the apartment door.
"I-it went well," I say. "Better than expected."
"Oh?" Dad says, turning his head to look at me from his spot on the couch.
Drat! I should have kept my mouth shut! Now he's going to ask all sorts of questions!
"Yeah," I utter, shifting in place. "We... um... played some games and talked, mostly."
"I see," Dad says, pushing up his glasses. "And who were you with?"
How in the world am I going to explain this one?! He's going to hold it over my head for sure!
"Well... I was with Brittney," I start.
"Brittney? Brittney Gonzales? From stage 2?"
"Y-yeah, remember how she moved to Teran? It turns out she goes to Pacific, too."
"Interesting," Dad says. "I guess Teran is right next to Chancelor, so that makes sense. I bet you were excited to catch up with her!"
"Oh yeah! It's definitely helped to have a familiar face at school, too," I say, turning to go to my room.
"Was it just the two of you?"
I freeze in place. There's no getting around this, is there?
"Well, not exactly," I manage. "We were with some other friends."
"What friends?" Dad asks.
"I— well—" I stammer, not sure how to break the news that I've actually been hanging out with my deskmate. "There were some boys—"
Dad's hand rests firmly on my shoulder, causing me to jump.
"Boys, huh?" he asks, his tone growing more serious.
"I-it wasn't like that!" I blurt out. "It was just Brittney's boyfriend, Kevin, and..."
"And?" Dad asks, raising an eyebrow.
"And... and Derrick," I finally admit.
"Derrick?" he asks.
"My... my deskmate," I say, bracing for the world's biggest 'I told you so.'
Dad smiles, placing another hand on my other shoulder. "You know, sweetheart, that had to take a lot of bravery. I'm so proud of you!" he says, pulling me in for a hug.
My mind, however, goes back to the moment I realized Derrick hadn't taken me home from school earlier. Bravery? More like complete misunderstanding!
"It's wonderful that you've decided to be friends with your deskmate!" Dad says, beaming with pride. "Can you tell me more about how things are going?"
"I-I—" I stutter. This is exactly what I dreaded he'd say! I fake a yawn. "I'm actually really tired, is it alright if I head to bed?"
"Tired? It's only 8 o'clock!"
"Yeah, but... it's just been a long day, y'know?"
Dad looks at me with understanding in his eyes. He nods. "I guess it must have been a lot for you. Get some rest," he says.
I turn back towards my room and open the door, relieved to finally have an escape from this conversation.
"But don't think I won't want to hear all about this tomorrow!" Dad calls after me.
I smile at him, but dread builds up inside of me. How am I going to explain my friendship with Derrick? How am I going to explain what we usually do when we 'hang out'?
Setting my bookbag down in my room, I collapse onto my bed, the soft comforter being a welcome distraction from all that's been running through my mind. I guess I'll figure out what I'm going to say to Dad in the morning.
Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter
"Hey," Kevin waves when Derrick opens the front door.
"Hey, glad you could make it," my deskmate says. "Where's Brittney?"
"Surprise!" Brittney shouts, popping out of Kevin's shirt pocket. She blows a party horn and throws a handful of confetti into the air.
"Sorry," Kevin says. "She insisted on making an entrance."
Derrick laughs. "That's Brittney for you! I wouldn't have her any other way!"
Derrick stands to the side of the door so Kevin and Brittney can enter the house. Kevin, I notice, has changed into a more casual outfit—jeans and a brown oversized t-shirt. Brittney, on the other hand, is still sporting her school uniform.
"Here," Brittney says, removing her necktie and shoving it into the pocket of the blazer she's holding out along with her bookbag. "Can you hang these up for me, babe?"
Without saying a word, Kevin pinches the green blazer and the bookbag between his fingertips and hangs them beside mine on the coat rack. As I watch him set them in place with one swift motion, I can't help but wonder if he's gotten used to handling human items. Derrick was so surprised at the size of my blazer when he held it, but Kevin seems unphased in comparison.
"Oh, yeah," Kevin says, turning to Derrick. "You said to bring a board game, so we brought Aventerra. There weren't a ton of options at my place."
"That works! Anything different from the usual is great!" Derrick says, taking the box in his hands. "We can only play Deduce and Roam Runner so many times."
Kevin nods. "Also, this is for you," he says, holding up a thin rectangular object. It's wrapped in some kind of shiny paper that's decorated with multicolored stars.
"And this, too!" Brittney exclaims, holding out a human-sized gift wrapped in what looks to be the same paper.
Derrick's eyes widen. "You guys didn't have to get me anything!" He says, holding up his hands.
"Go ahead, take them!" Brittney says. "What are friends for, anyway?"
Derrick laughs, taking the items. "Okay, okay, only if you insist."
I try not to look up at Derrick when he approaches the table to set down the Aventerra box and put the gifts with the others, but something in me gives in and I find myself staring higher and higher until my eyes finally meet his. My insides churn when he flashes a smile at me from above. I turn my eyes to the table's surface in an instant, but the image of him looming over me remains burned into my mind and causes my head to start spinning.
"Kaylin!" Brittney hollers, running from where Kevin set her down on the table and attacking me with a tight hug. "You came!"
"Can't...! Breathe...!" I manage through what little breath has yet to be squeezed out of my lungs by her embrace.
"Oh, sorry!" Brittney says, releasing me. "I'm just super glad you're here, since I wasn't sure if you were really coming! I figured it would be hard for you to show up to a party at a place like this because of your—"
Derrick clears his throat. "Hey, how about we get things started? Do you guys want to play Aventerra?"
Brittney's eyes light up as she smiles. "Yes! I'd love to!"
I hesitate, looking back at Mrs. Drake. She's wiping off the counter with the rag she used to dry dishes, but her eyes are focused on Brittney and I. I spin back around, and my eyes lock onto the table's surface. I try to concentrate on steadying my breathing, but all that manages to escape my lungs are quick, shuddery breaths to go with my trembling. I grab hold of one of my hands and squeeze it tight, trying my hardest to focus on the pressure instead of my rapid heartbeat.
"Kaylin?" Derrick asks.
"Y-yes?" I manage to answer while slowly craning my neck back to look him in the eyes.
"Would you like to play too?"
"Uh, maybe," I say. "But... don't you want to wait for more people to get here first?"
The room grows quiet, and I look around as I wait for a response. Brittney looks to Derrick with sadness in her eyes. Kevin glances away, a hand on his chin. I don't dare look at Mrs. Drake a second time. I take a step back and reluctantly peek up at my deskmate, who seems to be searching for something to say. He smiles.
"Since this is a last-minute sort of thing, it's only going to be the four of us. There aren't a lot of people who would be willing to show up to a party held at the last minute on a Forsday, anyway," Derrick chuckles.
"O-oh," I say, forcing a smile and a laugh.
"Anyway," Derrick says, opening the big, navy blue box labeled Aventerra, "let's begin, shall we?"
"Um," I pipe up, "would this game happen to have any heavy pieces?"
"It's actually really easy for humans to play!" Brittney exclaims, taking me by the hand and pulling me to the center of the game board Derrick just laid down. "It's even got one of these popping things, so we don't have to pick up the dice!"
Brittney stomps on a pedal with her foot, causing a pair of dice contained within a large plastic dome to tumble around with a loud pop. Taken aback by the unexpected noise, I flinch, only to gaze at the device before me in wonder.
"Is it really that easy?" I ask, looking to Brittney as if requesting permission to try rolling the dice myself. When she nods, I give the plastic pedal a gentle tap, and a loud pop fills my ears once again as the dice bounce around in the dome.
"Wow," I whisper, positive this is the first time I've laid eyes on a game like this. "I never thought a perthean board game would be this accessible to humans."
Brittney picks up a red disk the size of a bicycle tire with the words '100 soldiers' written on it. "All we really need to pick up are these tokens and some cards. It's really easy!"
"What do you say, Kaylin?" Derrick asks, crouching down to be eye level with Brittney and I. "Do you want to play?"
I glance over at Brittney, who, with a big smile, nods her head up and down vigorously. Kevin, almost predictably, has already pulled out his phone and begun to stare at it with an expression devoid of any life. Then my gaze rests on Derrick. My insides flip as I examine the great face before me, and my heart begins to pound when our eyes meet. I quickly turn away, placing a hand on a cheek that I'm sure has reddened by now as I squirm where I stand on the table. I want to look my deskmate in the eyes, but for whatever reason, I just can't handle the weight of his stare!
"Y-yes," I finally manage. "I'll play."
Mrs. Drake passes by the table and ruffles her son's hair. "You kids have fun. Your dad and I will be in the other room if you need anything."
"Right. Thanks, Mom." Derrick says, fixing his hair as she walks away.
The room grows quiet once more as Mrs. Drake closes a door somewhere down the hall. Derrick lets out a sigh and turns back to me.
"So, you probably want to know how to play, huh?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After a few minutes of explaining, confusion, and more explaining, I figured I knew enough about the game to give it a try. Derrick, being the birthday boy, went first when Brittney convinced him to, even though he initially wanted to decide who went first by dice roll as the rules directed. Since play was supposed to go clockwise, Kevin should have been next, but Brittney was too eager to roll the dice and ended up going before him. Kevin went after her, and I went last.
The game itself is simple— roll the dice, send out soldiers, and claim land. If the land you end up on is already claimed, fight for it by dice roll. I'm sure I'm forgetting something from Derrick and Brittney's explanation. But I figure if I try to memorize the rules in their entirety, we'll never get to play.
"You'd think all this land we're claiming would already have some owners, wouldn't you?" Brittney says, gazing at the soldier tokens Kevin just set down on his newly claimed territory.
"What?" Kevin says, his eyes narrowing in confusion at his girlfriend's statement. "The back of the box says it's a new world no one has discovered before. Why would there be people there?"
"Well, that's true," Brittney says, "but don't explorers sometimes say they've discovered new land when it's already being occupied?"
"But that would be lying," Derrick chuckles. "They wouldn't have discovered it at all!"
"Yeah," Kevin adds on, "what kind of psychopath would make a claim like that?"
"Ha! Yeah, just... a lot of Earth's explorers were like that, I guess," Brittney laughs nervously before turning to me. "Okay, your turn! Think you've got it figured out?"
"I think so. I'll send out 300 soldiers," I say, stacking three tokens and stepping on the dice pedal. After the two cubes settle down, I read the numbers on the top. "Three and one. Four?!"
My eagerness to play turns to panic as I realize that moving four spaces from start would land me on the space Kevin just claimed on his turn. I don't want to fight Kevin! I begin to shake as I stare at the dice with no clue how to proceed.
"Kaylin?" Brittney says, tapping me on the shoulder. "You good?"
"G-good? Y-yeah!" I utter through my trembling. "Just making sure I read that right."
I turn and begin walking towards the start space, the wobbling in my legs nearly causing me to trip with each step. What am I going to do? When I arrive, I lift my plastic red pawn and count the spaces in front of me over and over again to ensure I'm not making some kind of mistake.
Kevin taps the fourth space on the board in front of me, where he's stacked four of his blue soldier tokens. I gulp as a shudder runs down my spine. If I don't start moving, he's going to realize something's wrong with me for sure! I begin inching forward, my heart pounding in my chest with each step I take toward Kevin's claimed territory. After too short of a distance for my liking, I reach my destination and set my pawn down beside the stack of blue tokens.
"Well, well, well," Kevin grumbles, his low voice reverberating through the table and shaking me to my core.
I don't dare look up. I don't dare make contact with those narrowed brown eyes of his. Not when they remind me so much of...
SLAM!
I struggle to maintain my balance as various game pieces fly through the air and come crashing down all around me. My eyes snap to the right, widening as they land on the cause of this sudden disruption. Before me is a fist. Kevin's fist. I spin around, hoping to locate Brittney or Derrick, but they're nowhere to be found. Trembling, I begin to tiptoe away from the clenched hand.
"Thought you could escape?" Kevin asks, his booming voice reverberating through my body as he pinches the back of my shirt and lifts me high above the table.
"H-hey!" I protest, kicking my legs in a futile attempt to get away.
"Resisting? What a pity," Kevin sighs before a devilish grin spreads across his face. "Most tinies give up and let me win."
My heartbeat rings in my ears as one massive digit pins me between another, forcing the breath from my lungs and leaving me without any air. One by one, other fingers begin to curl around my quaking frame, trapping me completely. No, no! Anything but this!
"If you can't play nicely," he growls, lifting my head to meet those narrowed brown eyes of his as he tightens his grip, "then don't play at all."
All at once I'm thrown down onto the game board, where I land on my side with a loud crack. I don't have time to process the burning pain in my hip when, to my horror, the very same fist that threatened to squeeze the life out of me comes hurling down toward me from above.
SLAM!
"Hello?! Kaylin?!" Brittney says, shaking me by the shoulders.
"Y-yes?!" I answer, clueless to what's going on around me.
"Finally!" she huffs, releasing me. "We were getting worried! You've gotta stop zoning out like that, it freaks people out!"
"S-sorry," I manage, wiping away a stray tear with one of my trembling hands. "What's happening, exactly?"
"You were just about to beg for mercy," Kevin says with a wink.
My lip quivers as I take a step back, unable to tear my eyes away from the massive perthean looming above me.
Brittney lays a hand on my shoulder. "He's joking."
"300 soldiers, right? This stack here?" Kevin asks, pointing to one of my stacks of red soldier tokens by the dice.
"Y-yeah," I nod.
"Well then," he says, picking up the stack and setting it beside the stack that was already on his claimed space, "better hope for a high roll. As defender, I'll roll first."
I flinch when Kevin reaches around Brittney and I to tap the dice pedal. After a loud pop, the cubes in the dome settle down again, and we all lean in to see the result.
Kevin leans back in his chair upon seeing the two and the one he rolled.
"Three times four hundred... That's twelve hundred points," he sighs.
"Mhm," I hum as I rub one of my trembling arms.
"Come on, Kaylin!" Brittney cheers. "You can definitely beat him! That roll was pathetic! You've got this!"
"P-pathetic?" Kevin mumbles. "I thought you were on my side."
"Technically, nobody's really supposed to be on anybody's side," Derrick laughs.
Brittney crosses her arms and turns away from the boys, her bottom lip protruding in a pout. "I was just trying to encourage her, that's all!"
A soft chuckle escapes me as I step on the dice pedal. I bite the inside of my cheek and squeeze my eyes shut as the cubes dance around in their container. When they come to a stop, I reluctantly open one eye and see one of the dice landed on one. My heart sinks. I almost want to keep my eyes shut and pretend I'm not even playing this game.
"Wow! You did it!" Brittney exclaims, shaking one of my shoulders.
"I-I did?" I ask, opening both of my eyes to see the other die, which managed to land on five.
"Eighteen hundred points," Kevin says. "Good game."
As I allow my shoulders to relax, a smile creeps onto my face. I wasn't expecting to win at all! And I wasn't sure if I could expect Kevin to be a good sport about it, either.
Kevin swaps his four blue tokens for red ones and places them beside me.
"So," he says, grinning, "what would you like to do with your new land?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The game went on for an hour or so, and things were really close between Brittney and Derrick during the last quarter. It was anyone's guess who the winner would be, but ultimately, Brittney came out on top.
After thinking through other games we could play, we decided to switch from board games to video games when Derrick suggested we play Super Crushers Ultra on his FlexPad. I wasn't sure at first, since I've never been a big fan of violent games. But then I learned I could play as Mr. Buck from Flower Forest, or even that lovable orange blob, Borbo! Since a kid-friendly character like Borbo was involved, I became convinced that the game couldn't possibly be as violent as I had initially worried it would be.
Derrick happened to have two sets of human-sized FlexPad controllers, which took me by surprise. I wonder how many humans he plays video games with.
"Gah!" Brittney says when Borbo is cornered by Luis, the blue electrician.
Derrick, not wasting the opportunity, proceeds to mercilessly mash buttons on his controller until poor Borbo is flung off screen by a powerful bolt of lightning coming from Luis' wrench.
"Not fair!" Brittney exclaims. "What did I ever do to you?!"
"You did take his land," Kevin says, moving the angry black cat, Eclipse, off a ledge and toward Luis. "Don't worry, I'll get him for you."
"I thought we weren't taking sides!" Derrick says as he continues to mash buttons.
I move Mr. Buck from ledge to ledge above the other two fighters, still not quite sure how to control him. Once Eclipse is thrown out of the arena, Luis jumps up in front of Mr. Buck! My heart beats faster and faster as I struggle to remember the right buttons to press.
"W-wait!" I plead. "Can't we talk about this?"
To my surprise, Luis stops.
"Oh, come on!" Kevin shouts. "You didn't even show any mercy to your own best friend!"
Blood rushes to my cheeks, and I look down at my controller. I didn't mean to make anyone angry.
"Hold on, I just want to see what she has to say," Derrick says.
My heart skips a beat. I didn't think my plea would get me this far. I turn back from my spot on the sofa's armrest to look up at Derrick, whose warm smile almost seems unfitting for a guy who just beat two of his closest friends in a video game without holding back.
"Well?" Derrick says.
"U-um," I utter, desperately trying to think of any string of words that could get me out of this situation.
Derrick tilts his head, waiting patiently for my response.
"Y-you..." I start, putting on the best impression of Mr. Buck I can muster. "You wouldn't hit a fellow with glasses, now would you?"
My deskmate is silent at first, but after a moment, bursts out laughing.
My heart sinks in my chest as my face turns a bright shade of red. What was I thinking? Why would I say something so stupid?
"That was really good!" Derrick laughs, wiping a stray tear from his eye.
I look up to my deskmate in surprise. "R-really?"
"Yeah! And you do have a point. I guess I wouldn't hit a guy with glasses."
"S-so you'll reconsider?!" I blurt out, hanging on to the last bit of hope I have left.
Derrick finally stops laughing and smiles warmly at me. "No, I don't think I will."
Before I even have the chance to turn back around, the sound of Mr. Buck being electrocuted fills my ears.
"WINNER!" declares the game's announcer as the blue electrician dances and the other characters clap.
"Sorry, Kaylin." Derrick chuckles.
My attention immediately shifts when I hear a door open down the hall, followed by some shuffling in the kitchen. My curiosity turns to trembling when I realize that Mrs. Drake couldn't possibly be alone in there. Who else could be with her? I look around the room, but the others don't seem to take notice of the noise as they go through the play-by-play of the game's last round.
All at once, the lights in the living room turn off. I let out a gasp as endless possibilities run through my mind. Could the power have gone out? Not if the TV is still on. Could something have short-circuited? Could someone have turned the lights off? What sort of nefarious reason could someone have to do that?
I turn to see a faint orange glow coming from the other side of the room, accompanied by two shadowy figures. One of them has to be Mrs. Drake, but I can't help but tremble as I glance at the two! And who's the tall, foreboding figure beside her?!
As the two figures approach Derrick, one of them begins to sing:
Happiest birthday, child of ours
Happiest birthday, light of our lives
Live years of joy and happiness
And know that we hold you so dear
I look to Derrick, whose face is illuminated by the glow of what I've come to realize is a candle sitting atop a birthday cake. One of his brows twitches as he forces a smile.
"Well? Aren't you going to make a wish?" asks his mom, cake in hand.
Derrick sighs. Then, closing his eyes, he blows out the candle.
"Yay!" Brittney says. She claps, but nobody else joins in.
"Mom," Derrick starts, once again forcing a smile. "I did tell you I didn't want to have cake tonight, right?"
"I thought you were only talking about dinner," Mrs. Drake says, her smile fading. "Besides, it's tradition to have cake on birthdays!"
"I know, but..." Derrick starts, flashing a worried glance in my direction before turning back to his mom. "Can't we save it for later?"
"Why don't we ask your friends if they're comfortable with— I mean, if they'd like to have some before we put it away?" Mrs. Drake suggests.
"I'll have some cake!" Brittney hollers, waving her arms in the air.
Kevin sighs. "You and that sweet tooth. You are way too excited for this."
Mrs. Drake laughs. "Of course, Brittney. You'll get some cake. How about you, Kevin?"
"Sure," Kevin shrugs.
"And how about you?" Mrs. Drake says, turning to me. "Would you like some cake?"
No, no! I want to shout. But instead, I bite my tongue and fold my hands in my lap, pressure building within me from the weight of everyone's stares. How am I supposed to get out of this?!
"Y-yes, please," I finally manage.
What have I done?! I could have at least said 'no thank you!'
"Then that settles it!" Mrs. Drake says, spinning on her heel and heading to the dining room.
Once she's gone, Derrick and I share a look. His brows are turned upward, and his blue eyes almost seem to be asking me if I really want to go through with this.
A quivering sigh escapes me as I bury my head in my knees. I want to go home.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I poke at the chocolate cake in front of me with the plastic fork in my trembling hand. I don't dare look up from the portable balcony Brittney and I are on, lest I be faced with the reality that I'm actually sharing dessert with pertheans. At least I'm not on the table's surface like I feared I would be, but I can't decide if being closer to these pertheans' faces as they eat their cake is any better.
"This cake is super good!" Brittney says, shoveling a big bite of what I'm certain is only frosting into her mouth. "My compliments to the chef!"
"Oh, it's not homemade," Mrs. Drake laughs, "it's from Stanley's. It was the only chocolate one they had, too."
"Store-bought, huh? I never would have known!" Brittney says as she examines the hunk of dessert on her fork. "Is chocolate your favorite, Derrick?"
Derrick, poking at his slice of cake with a fork, doesn't answer.
"Uh, Derrick?" Brittney tries again.
"Huh? What was the question?" Derrick looks up from his plate to the balcony Brittney and I are on.
"Is chocolate your favorite type of cake?" she asks.
"I don't know," he answers, returning his gaze to the plate in front of him. "I like a lot of different flavors. It might be John's favorite, though."
"Oh, if only the two of you were able to celebrate your birthday together," Mrs. Drake sighs, glancing at the banner that bears both of the brothers' names. "It's a shame we can't even wish John a happy birthday over the phone since he's away from Perthea."
"You know, you could have been on Erimathea too right now if you had studied harder," a low voice rumbles.
The room quickly quiets down to a deafening silence as Mr. Drake's statement hangs in the air. Dropping my fork, I reluctantly look up from the cake in front of me. I've avoided looking at Derrick's dad since we sat down, and now is the first time I'm getting a good look at him. His brown hair is a bit darker than his son's, and while Derrick's blue eyes are warm and welcoming, his dad's blue eyes are cold and narrow. I can't help but shiver in my seat as I gaze at him from the balcony.
"Well, studying abroad was more of John's thing," Derrick says. "I'm happy where I am."
"Hm, but you could have at least graduated early like your brother if you hadn't blown that equivalency exam," his dad continues. "Each subject on that darned test was 400 koroz."
"Jason," Mrs. Drake whispers, leaning in closer to her husband. "Maybe now isn't the best time for this, hm?"
Mr. Drake sighs before taking another bite of his cake. "It's just that I want both of our sons to succeed, Dianne. And Derrick still has a lot of catching up to do if he plans on getting into a decent university like his brother."
"You say that like I'm behind," Derrick pipes up from across the table. "I'm still getting good grades, and I'm on track to graduate."
"Hmph," Mr. Drake huffs. "Dropping out of a school like Pacific still won't look good on your applications, in my opinion."
"Jason, please," Mrs. Drake pleads.
My insides begin to twist and churn as my heartbeat quickens. I don't like where this is going.
"But I'm back to finish what I started. Isn't that enough?" Derrick says, narrowing his eyes at his dad.
Mr. Drake doesn't miss a beat, and narrows his eyes right back. "If you ask me, you should have stayed put at Pacific instead of running away from your problems. Instead, you let a little gossip run you out of a good school."
"Maybe we should talk about something more positive," Mrs. Drake laughs nervously. "You know, the yellow flowers on this cake are part of the reason—"
"I didn't run away, Dad," Derrick says, raising his voice. "I moved on, just like anyone else would have done."
Something breaks in my heart when I hear the shift in Derrick's tone, and I grab onto the edge of the balcony's table in an attempt to ground myself as the world begins to spin around me.
"Hey," Brittney whispers, tapping on my shoulder. "Kaylin? Are you okay?"
I open my mouth to answer, but the words don't come. I look down at my trembling hands as my breathing quickens and tears begin to blur my vision. This isn't good. This isn't good at all.
Mr. Drake raises his volume to match his son's. "You still called it quits when it got hard. You threw away everything you worked so hard for! Do you know how much it even cost to put you two in that school?"
"Please, you two! Settle down!" Mrs. Drake begs.
"And your brother!" Mr. Drake continues. "Did he let a little rumor decide his future for him?"
"It wasn't a little rumor, and he wasn't even involved!" Derrick retorts.
"But look where he is now! If you would have stopped fooling around and focused on what really mattered, you could have been lightyears ahead of where you are now!" Mr. Drake sighs, cutting into his cake with his fork. "If you put in the work like John did, you could have—"
Derrick jumps up from his seat and pounds the table. "Look! I'm not John, okay?! I'm sorry I'm not your favorite son!"
Mr. Drake rises. His tall, tall frame towers above the table and everyone around it, including Derrick. He stares his son down, his narrowed eyes seething with rage.
The edges of my vision begin to fade to black as my core tightens and my trembling becomes completely uncontrollable. I'm going to die here!
Mr. Drake stares down his son for only a moment before abruptly picking up his plate and leaving the table. He sets his plate in the sink and retreats down the hall, the loud slam of a door acting as his final addition to the conversation.
Derrick sighs, tearing his gaze away from the hall. That's when he finally sees me. His eyes widen, and he lets out a faint gasp.
"Kaylin?" Brittney says, placing a hand on my back. "Are you—"
Immediately, I turn away from Derrick and into Brittney's shoulder. Sob after gut-wrenching sob escapes me as tears refuse to stop falling from my eyes.
"Shh, it's okay," Brittney whispers, wrapping her arms around me. "It's over now."
"I-I—" I stutter as I try not to choke on my own sobs. "I want to go home."
Hey everyone, I thought I'd give an update on what's going on with me and on my progress with Too Small To Be Afraid. TL;DR at the bottom for those who just want the quick deets.
I've been struggling to work on the story since the start of the summer, mainly because I got a "real" job (as part of the IT department at a local high school). Despite the fact that it's only 17.5 hours a week (3.5 hours every weekday), it was a lot more than what I was used to (which was literally doing nothing except for volunteering at various places maybe one to three times a week), and it took me a really, really long time to adjust to that mentally. I would come home dead tired and just... not feel like writing. Or doing anything at all. Sometimes I'd come home at 3:00 pm and proceed to take The World's Longest Nap™ only to wake up when it was time to go to bed anyway. Part of this, I realize, is probably the result of an undiagnosed sleeping disorder of some kind (my psychiatrist says maybe sleep apnea) mixed with ADHD telling my brain to Not Work™. But yeah, this has been a major contributing factor in my lack of writing time recently. And on top of that, I got another job working for my church on Sundays as a Production Assistant, which has so far been awesome, but it means I'm also exhausted on weekends. Not only am I working 7 hours on Sunday (setup + rehearsal + service + do all that again for the second service), but I'm also waking up at 4:30 am now at the very latest on Sundays depending on what campus I'm working at. And on top of all that, I'm still working occasionally for my old boss one Saturday out of every month until he wants me to start coming in more frequently. So all in all, I'm pretty much working every day but Saturday, except for when I'm also working on Saturday. And I do enjoy working all of these jobs, it's just that I've been struggling to adjust to working so much and how to balance that with my hobbies and my home and family life. So there's been little time for writing these past few months.
The writing club I was a part of also lowkey disbanded as we haven't been meeting for several months. (Hi if any of you are reading this, I miss you guys lol.) Before we stopped meeting, I was pumping out a new chapter at least every two weeks, and it was amazing! I was part of a group that encouraged each other to write and on top of that even edited/critiqued each other's writing. I really do miss it. The group always got me so motivated to write during the week and to write during our meetings, and I haven't felt that same joy about writing since we stopped meeting. I'm thinking I'll start another writing group, either online or at my church. Leaning towards at my church since I need in-person contact with people, but idk hit me up if you're interested in an online writer's group??? Or being a beta reader???
Lastly, something that's actually related to the story itself. The plot. Hoooooooo boy the plot. The plot is... a thing that exists. There's things I want to tie into the story that I want to be a big deal, but I'm not sure if I introduced enough elements beforehand for things to make sense if I go the route I want? Then there's the fact that I look back at the first few chapters and sort of cringe, thinking of all the things I'd change if I would let myself have at it before the first draft is done. But yeah. Things are... going. I've been very, VERY slowly but surely working on fixing up things in my outline so I know where I'm going, but yeah, all the aforementioned has kinda made it hard to actually write.
So that's where I've been. So where do we go from here?
For one thing, I'm at least somewhat confident that chapter 18 WILL come out in the next few weeks, before the end of the month. It's going to be a long one, and I hope it's worth the wait.
I previously had a goal of finishing my first draft by the end of the year, but if I'm honest, I'm thinking I won't get there until at least the spring of 2025. And then, of course, after that comes editing, revising, rewriting, and so on. I'll likely be writing at least a second draft before I even think about printing.
But can you expect me to update more regularly from now on? To be honest, I have no idea. All I know is that this book is still my dream, and I haven't given up on it yet. As long as this fire continues to burn within me, I'm going to continue to write. As long as it takes. Until it's done. But maybe starting another writing club would help hold me accountable for regular updates, ha ha.
Thank you all for your unwavering support as I've gone through this journey. Whenever I see someone's been enjoying this story, it fills me with so much joy, you don't understand. I hold every little comment close to my heart.
Thanks for reading, and I hope to see you soon with an update to the story!
TL;DR: I suddenly acquired three jobs and am very tired all the time. This combined with no accountability after my writing club lowkey disbanded has made writing difficult. I'm still writing, slowly but surely. Expect a new (and long) chapter this month for sure. Hmu if interested in starting a writing club/being a beta reader btw
Hey guys! I've been thinking about offering proofreading/editing services for fics. Would any of you be interested in that? It would be safe for work content only. I haven't thought about prices yet, since I wanted to gauge over all interest first. Let me know what you think! Examples of my writing can be seen here (newer chapters are better examples)!
Would you be interested if I offered proofreading/editing services?
Heck yeah! Take my money!
I'm interested, but it depends on the price.
I'd be interested if it was free!
I wouldn't need your services but that's a great idea!
Viola! An update! ...that's still not a new chapter! 😅
This piece of artwork is based on chapter 17 of my book, Too Small To Be Afraid, where Derrick lowers himself to be closer to eye-level with Kaylin.
Noticing my struggle, Derrick crouches down in front of the table. Now he’s the one looking up at me, but his size is still so overwhelming to me. He’s just so… big. His face nearly fills my entire field of vision! I back up a bit, clutching at my skirt as anxiety floods my nervous system. He’s so close.
Too Small To Be Afraid is about a girl learning to overcome her fear of the pertheans who tower over her after being enrolled in a school where she's forced to share her desk with one! You can read it here!
I know I announced that a new chapter of TSTBA would be coming out today, but unfortunately I have been struggling to adjust to my new job (and crashing whenever I get home 😭), and so I haven't had a lot of time to write. I'm about 800 words into chapter 18, but there's so much more I want to cover and I think this chapter will likely end up being 2,500 - 3,000 words total. I'm hoping that today and tomorrow I'll be able to get some writing done, but I can't exactly guarantee when the new chapter will be ready. 😓 If I can get it done tomorrow I'll definitely post it then, although I do want to have at least one person beta read it first before I post it lol. (I do have a few betas but hey if anyone wants to be a beta reader please DM me either here on my main or on my side blog @smolgirlbigdreams where I actually get mobile notifs lol. I'm also willing to be a beta reader in return if it's sfw g/t... 👀)
Just wanted to keep you guys informed. Sorry about yet another delay. 🥲 I hope the wait will be well worth it!
I also just wanna thank you guys so much for all of the support you've given me with my work so far. Every single comment and note I've received means so much to me. The fact that I could make something that others are enjoying really means so much to me! Thank you for your continued support.
The results of the poll are in! A majority of you said you wanted to see the new cover art, so here it is!
Agh I keep looking at this and seeing stuff I wanna fix >:( 'tis the life of an artist
This is the cover I will (probably (most likely (assuming I don't cave and draw the whole thing over again from scratch or hire another artist))) use for publishing the book!
(This drawing went through so many iterations and adjustments it's not even funny. You do not want to see my layers panel. On top of that I changed my coloring style *after* coloring this, so it's bugging me that it isn't up to date with my current style. :/)
Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! Please let me know your thoughts! :D
For those interested, you can read the story here! After what was a bit of a summer hiatus, a new chapter should hopefully be out by Saturday, August 24th! I hope you all look forward to it!
Hey guys! Sorry again that updates have been slow. Recently, I decided I would give myself until the end of the year to finish the first draft for Too Small To Be Afraid, as a goal for myself. That being said, a new update should be here by sometime this week or next week (assuming I adjust to my new job well! 😅 I start the 14th, wish me luck haha).
I have a question for you guys... a few months ago, I finished drawing a new cover for the book. (It's not final, but very close! All I have to do when the time comes to publish the book is adjust for the proper dimensions, which can change depending on the page count.) I was wondering if I should reveal the cover now or wait until it's time to publish. If I wait until publishing time, I'd probably ask a few of you guys if you'd want to see the cover beforehand to kind of critique it first, before it's final.
Let me know what you guys think and what you want to see! :D
Hey guys! Sorry that updates have been slow. I've been pretty busy lately with looking for a job (I finally found one so yay!) and with volunteer work around town.
I'm hoping to have a new chapter of TSTBA up by the end of the month, however I've also been contemplating taking a hiatus as my passions have recently been shifting. ^^; I still love my characters and my story, but at this point I'm not sure what I want to do with everything. But yeah, I hope to at least have something up by the end of the month. This chapter will hopefully be well worth the wait!
I've also decided to close my commissions... ^^; I've just been too busy to keep up with art as much as I'd like to, so I don't think I could reasonably take on any more commissions at this time. I may open them again in the future!
As for UTAU, I do plan on posting a few covers relatively soon! I've also been experimenting with DiffSinger. I currently do not have any plans to record DiffSinger voicebanks for the Storie UTAU (although I may in the future). This voicebank will be a completely new character, unrelated to my Perthea project or the Storie characters. The voice will be my regular singing voice with no voice acting. I also plan on making DiffSinger voicebanks based on my parents if this project goes well, so we'll see how that goes!
That's all for now! Thanks for reading, and I hope to update you all soon with some new content!
