lizard

elizabeth, she/her.

[elizazile]

i said a lot of stupid shit i'm not OK with now on this blog in the past.

[elizazile]

earlier today I was thinking about who I was in HS and couldn’t remember. just couldn’t recall what my personality was, what I cared about, what I did with my time.. made me kind of sad. I’m happy with myself now but was bummed that my HS self was apparently forgettable. then I started going through my old posts here.. I remembered that I did stuff! I was funny and creative! I had good friends! I was a horny teenager!

having this little time capsule of data from when I was in late HS through college is really neat. if only the UI didn’t suck butthole I could figure out how to navigate around.

[elizazile]

like other people, because of COVID i’ve been really really stationary. i can tell i’ve gotten weaker. i did yoga last night and wanted to do more tonight, but the soreness has set in more and more over the course of today so i decided not to do it tonight. bf assured me that that was OK because my body needed rest. he’s taught me to trust and respect my body in really healthy ways which is so cool.

[elizazile]

Here's what I've been into lately:

- elder scrolls online. MMOs are my eternal crutch. May or may not have started considering a 3-month membership.

- buying gifts for people in my life. Lots of things to make celebrate and lots of gratitude to express!

- smelling good. scented lotion goes on my shins and inner elbows before bed. I think those spots work because I'm not constantly breathing in from those areas but they're close enough to still smell.

- not checking twitter. Oof

[elizazile]

I got into some twitter arguments today and at one point got so worked up my tongue started cramping lol. It went away in a minute or two but my tongue is sore now. How stupid is that. I muted the conversations half because I'm satisfied with how they ended and half because I was getting tons of interactions on the tweet that started it all so hopefully no more tongue cramps ahead

[elizazile]

mental health reflection!

when i talk to people, it’s either for work, to my family over chat, to bf, or to people online i don’t know.

i feel like i haven’t been able to just talk to people about -stuff- much. yes bf but its the same person (i still love him a lot) and yes family but in very short messages and 50% of our messages are sending tweets or reddit posts back and forth. and some non-insignificant portion of the rest of that is ranting about something stupid someone said online.

a lot of the content i’ve been consuming online is bad stuff. like, misinformation about the virus. like, finding out one of my absolute favorite yters/twitch streamers is a manipulative sexual predator. like, reddit threads about the worst things people have seen when browsing the internet or the dark web. stuff i thought about typing out but don’t want to imagine again.

i could probably do something about that and look up and consuming things that are nice and fulfilling. but i would love to be able to do that without much effort by running into and subsequently talking to my coworkers about the new coffee drink i decided to try or giggling at how the earnings call with our CEO and CTO was fraught with technical issues. or by sitting and playing with my niece and asking my sister about her new projects. or by catching up with my friends over lunch without having to maneuver delicately around timing my words in a Zoom call.

on top of that i feel like some of my co-workers are working just fine, peachy keen, though i know that isn’t the case. but no really did anyone else work only like 20% of the time during each workday last week or was that just me? can i write that off to overloaded mental capacity due to this whole thing or do i just have an excuse to mindlessly scroll around my phone because no one is watching me? when will my boss figure out that it’s the latter and fire me? when am i gonna run out of savings? will i be able to find a new job? should i just quit pre-emptively and start having babies? will i feel safe in a hospital right now?

regarding mental health i’ve always considered myself someone who was able to handle things, if there were even things to begin with. i’ve realized that there are indeed things, and while it may be true that my body can tackle a lot more than other people, i let that mean that i don’t need any type of intervention. i should probably start meditating again. i know “i should probably look into scheduling a therapy appointment” should be the next thing i say, but what the heck would i even talk about? wait, scroll up, you say?

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naahhh

[itscolossal]

Children’s Imaginations Materialize as Cartoon Chaos in Paintings by Artist Kayla Mahaffey

[elizazile]

i had gotten the sense that my last boyfriend had some significant social anxiety so i was very tolerant of him not coming to hang out with me and my new friends from college.

that meant that (like i mentioned before) he seemed to make excuses for why he wasn’t coming to see me sing.

looking back, i think he may have undiagnosed autism which could explain his resistance to social settings i think? i could very much be wrong... i mean, all that to say i just think there were still very valid reasons why he didn’t want to do certain things that i did. but it was hard for me to figure out when that incompatibility was something worth being upset about enough to separate.

[elizazile]

back in high school i was in an a cappella group and the one time i had a solo in a big competition performance, my family couldn’t make it. after shows like that you always have families coming up to see their kids with flowers, so having to just leave alone sucked. my sister did say afterwards that she saw a video of it and hearing me sing made her tear up which means a lot but... i guess not having that in-person support contributed to how i handled the next bit...

after graduating high school, i dated a guy for a couple years into college. he always seemed to make excuses as to why he couldn’t come see me perform and (for good reasons.. at their very innermost core) i put up with it.

it wasn’t like i was completely unsupported by my inner circle when it came to music, but that string of people-who-i-cared-about not coming to see me do something i really wanted to do but was trying to get comfortable doing, hurt.

i met my current boyfriend a couple months after my last one broke up with me and i told him about a little ‘impromptu’ performance my a cappella group was going to do on campus and he came to watch. he came to watch my classical voice performance too (which i totally bunged up 100% because i was nervous about him seeing me sing like that)

i feel loved as a person who has their own interests and space to grow.

[elizazile]

wow! i’m going to try this like the way i used to do it. journaling always affected me positively, so here goes.

1. anxiety has been such an interesting part of coming into adulthood. last year at comic con is when it really flared up for the first major time, and it pretty much set in place the consistent anxiety i have been experiencing for the past year. alec says he thinks it’ll die down, and maybe he’s right. i’m learning that i really don’t know my body as much as i thought i did.

2. on a similar note, lifting can be fun! i like feeling strong but i hate being worried i’ll fail a lift. but i’m stronger than i think, and alec is always there to spot me. also, gaining weight is not fun, but i’m really not putting much effort into that. i went on a slow carb diet for a couple months last year and that was really productive, but not sustainable. it wasn’t designed to be. so, i need to figure out how to put together a sustainable way of eating. but that takes effort! boo.

3. i really really really love alec. he’s taught me a lot about how to be an efficient human and new ways to love a family and has revived my interest in music. he’s an amazing listener and source of support. i want to buy a house with him and marry him and have his dang kids.

so now i’m sitting here thinking about what else i feel like writing about but there’s nothing big that surfaces in a significant way. i’ll end it here. i don’t know if anyone i know is still on here, but if you are, and you read this, and you’re in the same city as i am, let’s catch up! or talk for the first time! i like coffee and juiceland and milkshakes. tea is ok but not preferred.

[elizazile]

for some reason writing diary entries into tumblr feels better than writing it into a word document :’)

[elizazile]

just got an email that basically said i’ll graduate this semester omg i feel like i could fly right now

[elizazile]

also i have heard nothing (0) (zilch) on my computer science certificate since applying. i’ve got 3 more weeks until i’m supposed to officially gradumatate

[elizazile]

every day hoping that i get emails saying that i successfully earned my digital media certificate and/or graduated(!!!) really sucks and makes me anxious and drinking coffee as i worry doesnt help with my stomach

[elizazile]

i just... wanna graduate man come on UT

[elizazile]

my cat likes to sit on the sink while i poop... today she sat on top of the toilet and watched me from behind and it was really weird???

[allupandarmed]

🔥🔥🔥

[daruforrest1-deactivated2018080]

When they broke out in harmony

[elizazile]

black a cappella is just so great???????? just!!! every time!!!!!!