A penny for my thoughts

I can't write eloquently but I have a lot to say.

[ellaminnowpea46]

I used to think I was a shining person.

Lately I don’t even feel like a person at all.

My light feels switched off.

[ellaminnowpea46]

나는 돈도 없고요 행복도 없고요 그래서 나는 죽고 싶어요

My downfall in such a short time should be studied. I don’t know how, but in the last couple of months, my life has just started going downhill. I don’t even know what to write. I am always sad, always scared. I want to cry and I always do cry. I really wanted my life to turn out good, and I really wanted myself to be a good and hard-working person. I mean, that’s how I always envisioned myself to be in future. And that was my perception for myself. But lately, I have realised that I am not special at all. I am useless. And I have no purpose or personality. I’m really disappointed in myself, and I have nothing more to say. I guess I don’t have any hopes for myself in future. I guess this is really my downfall and my end.

I see my peers and how they are succeeding in things that I am failing miserably at. And it makes me think that maybe I should just quit. Quit my job, quit this life. I always feel like I am not good enough and when I am not feeling that, I feel I am not adequately respected or compensated in my company. Both are totally opposites and are it in my mind with a very thin line. But I’m always on either side. I don’t know what to say. 

[ellaminnowpea46]

Color me in, so I’m not just black and white - Orpheus

[ellaminnowpea46]

I’m a good person also, you know. I’m not all bad.

[ellaminnowpea46]

My Roman Empire is the chemistry between Moon Dong Eun and Ha Do Young in The Glory

[ellaminnowpea46]

An Elaborate Scam

I recently started living in a girl's hostel near my office. And I have been miserable ever since. The saleswoman selling me the place is a bitch. She has lied to me and been extremely disrespectful towards me. Some of the things that keep me unhappy every day that I spend here are:

I am paying 30-40% of my salary to this shitty place while my peers pay their 25% salary in accommodation

Yet this place does not include any meals; barely the appliances work; the rooms are not cleaned often; the warden and other service providers are absolutely useless.

The sales-bitch lied to me about the contract and has made me sign an 11-month contract so I am stuck in this terrible reality for 11 more months.

The sales-bitch has given other people lesser terms of contract and charged lesser- I feel totally ripped off and helpless.

Everyone around me keeps reminding me how I have made a horrible decision; how they would never ever go for this had it been them; how I am getting ripped off.

I feel so guilty wasting money and being unhappy. My parents are upset because they know I'm not happy and they don't care about the wasted money more than my unhappiness. But I love them so much and can't bear to see them sad or waste their money, so I have to stay here for 11 more months.

I am stuck in life. I feel betrayed and ripped off. And I feel like all this is happening because I am stupid. Had I been smarter, more cunning, more shrewd, more intimidating, I'm sure that bitch wouldn't have had the audacity to scam me. I am so sad. I can't even express myself or type well. I am extremely frustrated.

[ellaminnowpea46]

Their Burden to Keep

The past few days have been the most overwhelming days of my life. Having moved to a different city, I have only encountered failures, and betrayals. There have been moments where I have been absolutely miserable and crushed. I have been conned and ripped off. I have been made fun of and insulted. And so I have come to hate this new city I live in.

I hate the fact that it is so expensive to live in. I hate that everyone is kind of out to get me. I hate that I am getting the bad end of the deal every time. I hate that everyone is settling in well, making the most of it, and getting a good end of the deal while everything...literally everything....is going massively wrong for me. My life is a mess and I hate it so much. I am so scared, so stressed and so worried. And I also realised that it's all my fault. My fault is that I am so fucking incompetent. My fault is that I am such a loser. My fault is that I am the reason why my life is a mess. Had I been more competent; had I been more street smart; had I been better- had I just been better than what I am, things would have been so different. Had I just been better, I wouldn't be such a massive burden on my parents. I am so upset about this. I really, genuinely wanted to give back good things to my parents. But no. I just keep on taking. I keep on taking and taking from them. My poor parents. I wish they had someone else for a child. Someone better. Someone who they truly deserved. Someone who would make their lives easier, better.

I am sick and tired of being a burden to my parents. I am angry about the fact that my parents are stuck with me. I am so angry about the fact that I can't give them what they deserve. I want to end my life. I truly wish life was better. I truly wish I was better.

[ellaminnowpea46]

Sometimes you just meet someone and feel so sad for the people that surround them and have to interact with them on a daily basis.

And then you get to know more about them and realise, "Aha, they're a Narcissist. Makes so much more sense now."

What really went wrong with these people, we don't really know. But we do know that they are bullies, they are maggots, and they value other people's lives as much as they value absolutely nothing. I pray for these people, hoping that they never find inner peace, for why should someone be happy when they've made everyone around them so miserable.

Meeting such people makes me realise how pathetic the world has become and how corrupt the system is. Such people succeed and then mould others into becoming their exact mirror image. I pray for this world for it seems less promising now. Life seems a bit disappointing and I honestly have nothing to look forward to. My light feels a little dim and I don't know what to expect anymore.

[ellaminnowpea46]

I get panic attacks every night. I feel scared and cry for hours. I don't fall asleep before 5 am. Why this is happening I do not know? I wish I wasn't like this. I don't know what is happening to me

[ellaminnowpea46]

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I failed. I give up. On everything. I wish I was never born.

[ellaminnowpea46]

Exclusivity doesn’t Exist!

You can’t ever be exclusive. In your relationships, in your personality, in your experiences. No one is exclusive. No incident is exclusive. You’re not unique. You just haven’t met someone who went through the same thing as you. I have always kept expectations of exclusivity from people and then gotten disappointed by them. But the fault doesn’t like on them. It's me. Just like Taylor Swift said in the song, ‘It's me, Hi, I’m the problem it's me.’ Yes, it's me. I am the problem in every sense possible.  

Why do I keep expectations from people? They never committed to my expectations in the first place. They never promised to be anything more than what they are. Then why did I assume that they were something they were not?

Don’t get offended. Don’t get bothered. Do not hold someone down because you have an idea about how they should be. Accept them for who they are. Don’t embrace them and merge into them. Don’t let them seep into your being and make you miserable. Let them sit beside you and feel their personality like the body heat that you get when they sit next to you. Understand why they do things without letting them know that you don’t agree or like things about them. Don’t love them. Never love them. Experience them. Watch them. Observe them. And let them go.

[ellaminnowpea46]

I fucked up big time. Again. I keep self-sabotaging. Why am I like this? When will I change?

[ellaminnowpea46]

If you don’t respect yourself, no one will respect you!

[ellaminnowpea46]

I’m willing to have deep conversations but I’m not willing to commit but I demand commitment and now everything drives me crazy. Does this make sense?

[ellaminnowpea46]

I want to have friends. But I always fuck up everything.

[ellaminnowpea46]

I don’t feel like being alive anymore. Does that make sense?

[ellaminnowpea46]

Emotions are for losers.