One thing abusive parents love to do is make you paranoid about how everyone else is judging you. You’re constantly being fed lines about what people will think of you, how horrible of an impression you’re leaving on everyone, how you’re embarrassing yourself, they manage to paint a picture in which nobody on earth could ever think anything good about you, and you’re a disgrace no matter where you go and what you do. They will reinforce this with comparing you to your cousins/relatives/random people, to show how you’re just, the worst of everyone.
Now none of this is actually true, what they’re doing is implying that everyone has the same pathetic need to judge that they have, and they’re comparing other people’s best points to whatever the hell they imagined your worst points are (and those are usually a lie, you’re fine the way you are.) Point of this is to make you feel unsafe anywhere you go, to never be able to feel like a secure part of society, so you have nobody to turn to except to them, and never develop trust in other people at all.
The consequences of this type of abuse can go from social anxiety to complete paranoia, you can end up feeling anxious and uncomfortable in public, constantly looking at yourself thru other people’s eyes, imagining what they thoughts about you are, worrying about everything you do and say and how harshly it could possibly be judged. It can end up with you completely abandoning whole sets of behaviours, desires and dreams just because they could possibly embarrass you, you can end up setting up such high standards for yourself you can’t possibly fulfill them and end up paralyzed in life, all in terror of being judged, criticized, and in the end - completely humiliated, unwanted and abandoned by the world. This act of sabotage is cruel and vicious thing to do to you, it can force you into fear so great you end up giving up who you are to escape pain, and that’s a lot of damage to do to a person.
Now I can’t tell you how to fight it, because the world is scary, being judged when you’re alone and isolated is scary, being viewed as a failure and having your value reduced to nothing even by strangers is scary, but know this: It doesn’t matter that much if people are judging you. Most people wont even judge you, because they don’t have that urge to put someone down to feel better about themselves, there’s a lot of people who aren’t the same level of pathetic as your parents. Your parents are only projecting their ugly disgusting personalities on everyone else. Normal, good people, will only care that your heart is good and you aren’t trying to cause them any harm, and beyond that they will find you good and welcome in their lives - which is how normally things should go. And those miserable piles of horseshit who will take any opportunity to judge anyone - are mostly too big of cowards to actually walk up to you and say it to your face. You could be doing whatever you want and they’ll leave you be because they know they have no influence, no right to stand in your way. For most of situations that terrified me because I felt I would be harshly judged, and even harmed, it turned out I could do whatever I wanted, and nobody on earth would say or do anything - parents were only ones who felt entitled to passing judgment. Shame on them.
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