ello pooch

a love of words and the colour yellow

[ellopooch]

I do not know for the life of me how to let you go. I’ve told myself countless times I will, I want to, I can - but I physically cannot. Everytime I utter to myself that this is the last time I indulge you in my mind another voice whispers ‘of course it’s not’. You are the future fantasy I can’t banish but also can’t turn into reality. This toxic limbo is torture and I’m dying.

e.c

[ellopooch]

We spoke today. For the first time not about us or not about what could or should have been. We just spoke. And you lost your magic right before my eyes.

e.c

[ellopooch]

This time, exactly one year ago to the day; I waited up until midnight, and in the blanket of darkness told you I loved you and asked you what you would wish for on your birthday. I know on mine, a month prior, as I filled my lungs with air I wished for you: forever. But you must have wished for something else. Because one year on, I do not get to ask you about your wishes or celebrate another year of beautiful life with you. Today I watch from afar as a stranger. And I’m still holding my breath, wishing for you.

birthday blues

e.c

[ellopooch]

My limbs feel too heavy for my body as I try to pick myself up from yet another set back you have given me to get over

e.c

[ellopooch]

In this 5am haze: I do not love myself as I should. I’m sorry.

e.c

[ellopooch]

I wonder if deep down, there is in fact a direct correlation between the way my body does not feel my own. The way it aches in all the wrong places and my brain itches to unravel; like vermin is crawling down my spine and tingling in my toes. The way I am parched with a tongue of sandpaper and a heart of butterfly wings. The feeling of intense unsettlement in my soul like it is screaming into the pit of my being and turning the blood in my veins to heavy, heavy stone... do all these things have one thing in common I wonder? Because I have not felt this way in a long long time. Does this feeling of inhospitality in my own skin correlate with the fact that you are back; are you driving me out again?

please let me stay

e.c

[ellopooch]

Sometimes I hold back on loving myself all the way. Because I’m scared that to others I’ll look too cocky and too loud and too vibrant - that I’ll be too much. But then I take a minute, and realise if that mindset isn’t motivation enough to love myself unconditionally, then what is? Because why should I settle for anything or anybody who sees me as anything other than exactly who I am; however that may be.

self love

e.c

[ellopooch]

My biggest fear in life is not that I’ll never find a love so deep it makes my soul shine. It’s that one day that bright light will dim to a haze. I never want to feel anything but absolute adoration for the person I love. I never want a trip to the supermarket to stop being an adventure. I never want to wake up next to you and not feel like the luckiest girl alive. I never want to see you across a room and just feel okay. I want to be challenged and excited and I want to love you so encompassingly for the rest of my life but I’m so scared these things will fade. And that maybe one day I’ll be content with the life I’ve made; but not overwhelmingly overjoyed by it every day.

fears

e.c

[ellopooch]

Oh hello. It’s you again. I didn’t expect to see you here, not now; not like this. I know you’ve been away for quite some time and honestly it worked better that way. This isn’t the best timing for your return, perhaps if I’d prepared more or braced myself for your arrival I wouldn’t mind so much. I think it’s time for you to leave though, and if possible, don’t come back.

sadness

e.c

[ellopooch]

It is all about perspective. I used to be at a microscopic level, shrunk down and minute in this vast world. Where I saw myself, and I saw you and we both lived under the bright and beautiful glare of the sun that cut so sharply through the glass. When you left; the rainbow hues stopped filtering through the crystal and for a long time I felt that without the microscope I was blind; fumbling through a blurred version of life. But now, with perspective; I see I had just outgrown the looking glass. I grew, and with that I was able to see a much wider landscape. I grew to be more considerate and selfless. I grew to appreciate a world beyond me and you. Simply: I grew.

growth

e.c

[ellopooch]

And today all I could do was cry

bad days

- e.c

[ellopooch]

Loving you was oh so easy, and that’s why we fell apart the second it got hard

e.c

[ellopooch]

I do miss the life I had a year ago. Everything has changed and the details of our love story have become faded. But I still remember how I felt. And I am still waiting for that feeling to return.

e.c

[ellopooch]

This is not pain anymore. It’s just deep nostalgia. Knowing you’re not in the crowd; knowing there’s nobody in the crowd who loves me. Maybe it does hurt after all.

e.c

[ellopooch]

I don’t want to spend another second of my life disliking myself and disliking others. It’s a waste of time and energy that can be put in so many more valuable places

e.c

[ellopooch]

When you take a minute to appreciate the small things; your whole life becomes full of moments to be glad about

e.c

[ellopooch]

To see the aftermath of a loss ripple through lives and see the devastation it leaves in its place makes it hard to believe the world is good. But in the place of trauma and grief eventually comes love. And a deep appreciation for this beautiful life that is so fragile. It brings together people where you thought they never could again and forces grudges to be lost and anger to dissipate. Even in the wake of such pain; love truly can save the day

e.c

Loss - for M