i have a problem
been awhile since i posted here, but I just wanted to get some things off my mind that have been bothering me.
TW for medical issues
I’m 25. have dermatillomania (skin picking disorder). Since I was about 17, I was chewing my thumb constantly in times of stress. I wouldnt even notice it happening. It was a self-soothing trick for a time when I was being emotionally and mentally abused by my parents. Not long after, there is a permanent callous on my thumb. it’s a habit I still have today. The joint on my left thumb is practically deformed from how much I would gnaw on it, and the callous is very noticable.
I started picking my arms around the same time too. My shoulders, in particular. They would be covered in scabs. People would ask about it, and I’d say it was sunburn (I really dont know why I thought that was believable).
After age 20 I started really destroying my face.
I went from smooth skin and a nice complexion to having deep scarring all over my face. There are a number of box scars, probably hundreds of icepick scars and rolling scars making me look older than I am and ruining my self esteem.
I’ve tried so hard to actively control my picking, but in times of stress, I just go into a trance.
Let me be clear, this fucking hurts. After picking, the open sores bleed and it really hurts. It looks disgusting and I just pick the scabs off. I think I am disgusting and nobody will ever want me. What is the point of NOT picking my face? its already destroyed, is my logic, each time I am doing it. It will go on for hours. and I don’t even need to be in front of the mirror. I will be aimlessly picking my face while I just sit here, feeling for bumps, scabs or scars I can squeeze or scratch. It’s absolutely disgusting, but I cant stop.
This has extended unfortunately, into trichatillomania (hair pulling disorder). I noticed the hair around my scalp began thinning, and overall hair thinning years ago. It was only within the past year that I realized it is because I have been pulling my own hair out involuntarily as well.
I feel like I am cursed, and my appearance is not worthwhile at this point. The damage is almost irreparable. But I need help. I need to see a psychologist who can help me. I probably need medications or therapy, and I apparently cannot do this by myself.
My skin makes me look 35 when I’m 25, and I think i’ve had enough. I realize now I need help......ive been actively monitoring my face picking and hair pulling but its not enough. When i dont pick my face, i pick my arms and shoulders and back, and neck. IT just shifts.
I need help.
