I’m 29 and I feel like I’m grieving my twenties and late teens. Until I was 14 years old, I was happy. But then I got hit with anxiety, crippling anxiety. All the trauma from my school life and home life just hit me all at once. Extreme bullying, often violent, often humiliating. Even today, I still feel the impacts. A small example, I can’t step foot in a gym because the suffocating feeling of people seeing me in a mirror and the potential of humiliating myself is suffocating. In reality, no one cares what I’m doing.. but I’m still suffering the trauma of being humiliated so many times as a teenager, and I can’t stand peoples eyes on me. I was ignored by my father, terrified of my out of control angry mother. I was beaten by my brother, for him, “just a fun joke between siblings”- but as a child, I was so fucking scared of him and he would leave me screaming and sobbing. My mother used to blame me for it too, apparently I would “egg him on”. I never did and from those days until today, I’ve always felt invisible. I could go on, the stories are endless. But all I can say is now I’m 29. I barely have any friends, I probably have CPTSD or BPD, or both, who knows. I have crippling anxiety and depression and one of worst parts? I am so guilty and ashamed for even talking about my trauma. Friends say “everyone struggles” “who hasn’t experienced those things?” “You just need to put the past behind you and move on” “people have it worse”. Bit of advice for those who have said that, please don’t, you have no idea how much harm you are doing. I struggle to open up even to my psychologist, and that’s the safest space I have to have my trauma validated. But the narrative has been so firmly drilled into my head. “Your trauma is irrelevant. Inconvenient. Insignificant”. Now I’m 29, nearly 30. Wondering where the supposed best years of my life went. I never enjoyed them, I suffered through them. None of it was my fault, and yet I’m suffering the consequences every day. Sometimes I get tired of being positive all the time. You know that pressure to be “happy” all the time or people won’t like you. Keep your trauma sealed up. Put on a brave face and suffer in silence. If you want people to like you, don’t bring them down with your sad story. Well sometimes that gets exhausting and I’m tired today. Today, I just want to let myself feel sad.
vaporwave
blakekathryn
kianamaiart
izzy806
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
gummygunk
