Iām 29 and I feel like Iām grieving my twenties and late teens. Until I was 14 years old, I was happy. But then I got hit with anxiety, crippling anxiety. All the trauma from my school life and home life just hit me all at once. Extreme bullying, often violent, often humiliating. Even today, I still feel the impacts. A small example, I canāt step foot in a gym because the suffocating feeling of people seeing me in a mirror and the potential of humiliating myself is suffocating. In reality, no one cares what Iām doing.. but Iām still suffering the trauma of being humiliated so many times as a teenager, and I canāt stand peoples eyes on me. I was ignored by my father, terrified of my out of control angry mother. I was beaten by my brother, for him, ājust a fun joke between siblingsā- but as a child, I was so fucking scared of him and he would leave me screaming and sobbing. My mother used to blame me for it too, apparently I would āegg him onā. I never did and from those days until today, Iāve always felt invisible. I could go on, the stories are endless. But all I can say is now Iām 29. I barely have any friends, I probably have CPTSD or BPD, or both, who knows. I have crippling anxiety and depression and one of worst parts? I am so guilty and ashamed for even talking about my trauma. Friends say āeveryone strugglesā āwho hasnāt experienced those things?ā āYou just need to put the past behind you and move onā āpeople have it worseā. Bit of advice for those who have said that, please donāt, you have no idea how much harm you are doing. I struggle to open up even to my psychologist, and thatās the safest space I have to have my trauma validated. But the narrative has been so firmly drilled into my head. āYour trauma is irrelevant. Inconvenient. Insignificantā. Now Iām 29, nearly 30. Wondering where the supposed best years of my life went. I never enjoyed them, I suffered through them. None of it was my fault, and yet Iām suffering the consequences every day. Sometimes I get tired of being positive all the time. You know that pressure to be āhappyā all the time or people wonāt like you. Keep your trauma sealed up. Put on a brave face and suffer in silence. If you want people to like you, donāt bring them down with your sad story. Well sometimes that gets exhausting and Iām tired today. Today, I just want to let myself feel sad.
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