My Prayer and Letter for my Friend
You seem to be really stressed, exhausted, mindless about your life these days. You are fighting with suicidal notions and you’re being consumed by bitterness. I want to tell you so many things, but you might take them as me nagging, maybe me being a smart ass, or perhaps, me being hypocritical, given that I myself danced with the sweet lies of death, not too long ago. Even if I were to tell you these things, you and I both know very well that you won’t listen. It’s not that you are stubborn, it’s not that you are foolish, you are just... tired and hopeless.
But I thank you for fighting, and I thank God that you are not giving up despite what you do not have. You tell me that making music brings you so much joy. Making music makes you feel so alive and performing gives purpose in your life. You dropped out of Pharmacy school against your parent’s will to pursue a music career. You tried out for a Kpop label, competed in contests, did a lot more than you’ve ever imagined possible. But as you familiarized yourself with the sense of peace and joy, you’ve also experienced the dark side of pursuing music industry. You’re now dealing with backstabbings, deceitfulness, and abandonment from the people who have promised you great things.
You wish you can do something else with your life. You wish you can quit music and get a stable job and find joy in it. But, music seems to be the only thing you can see yourself doing. Music seems to be the only thing that brings you joy and shows you a sense of purpose in your life. Again, admirable... but foolish.
You’ve told me before that someone has given you a prophecy, that you will use your gifts and talents for the glory of God. You believe that is your calling, to be His worshipper, yet you are too focused on the false sense of identity. Remember, music is not your identity. Music is something you do, it’s merely a gift which you’ve received from God by His grace and His grace only. It does not define who you are as a person. Yet, you are literally contemplating suicide because it’s difficult to be “successful” in the music career.
I see people giving you words of encouragements, saying things like “Nothing good in this life comes easy,” or “don’t give up, you must be strong,” or even “I am always here for you.” It’s truly unfortunate to see that not a single person are willing to tell you the truth. Music is no longer your gift, it has become your idol, your god. You are no longer serving His name with the talents which you’ve received, but you are only using it to define who you are and to achieve “worldly success”
Music is not your identity, God’s love is. If your ability to sing and play instruments were to fade away, what then will you do? Would you stop living? If music is literally the only thing that brings purpose into your life, what will happen to you if music can no longer become something you can do? It sounds a bit charismatic, doesn’t it? A musician drinking himself to death because he can no longer play the piano, or a musician overdosing in his desperate attempt to find inspiration. It almost sounds heroic, pursuing something so harshly that one’s willing to trade their life away.
As heroic and admirable that may sound, truth is, it’s not. It is absolutely foolish. You, as a believer, as someone who tells me that you’re praying for me, someone who tells me that God exists, someone who tells me that your gifts are from God, should know better. I do not say this to condemn you, but I say these things because I love you. If pursuing a music career is difficult, then try again. Pray earnestly for His guidance. Seek His wisdom and heart. Seek what truly matters and pursue what truly matters.
If you want something, go get it. However, never, and I mean never, place what you desire above your God. He loves you and He desires you, but if you replace His love with the gift He has given you, He will take it away from you. The more time you spend being drunk in bitterness and sorrow, the more I pray, that you will realize His longing heart that’s being cast out to you. You wish to dance and drink your sorrows away. You think that it helps a little, but you are only idolizing those things. You are refusing to face God with humility, He wants to talk, He wants to listen, but you will have to accept Him. You can’t keep avoiding Him because eventually, it will wear you out and you will collapse.
If you believe in what you tell me you believe in, then pursue those things. Have a little peace. This will be an obstacle that you must overcome, and over the hill you will find victory and clarity. Hang in there.
- j