Midnight Thoughts @elysian-words - Tumblr Blog

hardest part of being an adult is learning how to not take shit so personally

i just think that in the end, the grass will always seem greener on the other side, and it’s your choice which side is the one for you.

will you regret not doing the casual hookups and the sloppy, messy dating around?

or will you do all those things, and regret them? or even worse, regret losing the perfect person because you just wanted some wild college memories to talk about later in life with your adult friends at wine night

people hookup to try and feel a fraction of what you feel when your in love. and you’re in love, so why would you leave the security of that for the messiness that is the modern hookup culture

and i’m not saying you’d regret it if you hooked up with tons of guys like your friends do, because you might not regret that. you might look back and say that was fun and i’m glad i had those experiences and i was young and this is what young people do

but you might.

and if you stay with him will you regret not having those experiences

with strangers

after drinks at a sweaty party

maybe.

but you shouldn’t. because you were not made to live everyone else’s life. you were meant to live yours. and you’ve sexualized yourself for so long

and that is part of the problem.

life isn’t about sex. it’s not about fitting everyone else’s mold of what college should be.

this is your life. and you only get one. and you can live it any way you want. and you’ve got your whole life fo figure it out. but right now, you have someone who loves you, and if this is what you need right now, then have it, and enjoy it.

things in our lives come and go as they are needed.

you are you. your identity is not how many people you have slept with. or how many drunk crazy things you did in college.

you don’t have to be what anyone else is. you just have to be you. and everything will work out. and what is meant for you will be.

love and stability are priceless. and people cannot be replaced. when you’ve found your person, it takes work every day to keep them. love is a choice and you choose everyday to love them. because that’s what a relationship is and that is how it will always be.

those people long for what you have. stability. and it’s yours now. and it’s up to you to appreciate it or let it go. it’s ok to be selfish and do things for yourself. so do this for yourself. respect you. respect your body. respect your mind. you are so priceless. the people you let close to you should be chosen wisely. because you are worth more than you let yourself believe

and i just can’t believe i was so sad about losing someone with absolutely no personality who i felt like i could barely talk to and could never make jokes with. we only ever had simple conversations that never went any deeper than surface level. our relationship was short lived and based purely on attraction and loneliness. he made me feel like wasn’t important at all. he wasn’t the person i ran to tell my good news too. he just wasn’t enough for me.

and he could be kissing another girl right now and be glad things didn’t work between us because they click so much better, and that’s fine with me. it’s fine with me because i can do better. i loved the way he looked and how i felt that he wasn’t wrapped around my finger. i didn’t love him. i didn’t have fun with him. it was all about each other’s looks. we were so superficial. and there’s just more hot guys out there. and there’s just more to life. and there’s just more to me.

you left him. you had the strength this time to end it early on. you saw the red flags and put yourself first. you broke up with him. he can twist it to sound like it was the other way around, but you know the truth and he knows it too. be proud of that. & stop dwelling on if things were different, because they aren’t. you’re living in a fantasy world you’ve created, in love with a fantasy version of an average looking man who couldn’t give you the bare minimum. you’re not obsessed with him your obsessed with potential.

just because your lonely doesn’t mean you should settle for less. stop thinking about your ex, you felt lonely in his presence. he chose himself over you on multiple occasions. he wasn’t ready for a relationship. stop idealizing attractive men with attractive personalities who treated you as if you were disposable. it’s better to be lonely than to be getting used. and it’s better that he’s someone else’s problem than yours. stop comparing your singleness to others. if he’s happy with someone else, let him. you two didn’t belong. life moves on, but you have to as well.

reasons why it just wasn’t going to work (because i need to give myself closure)

1. we couldn’t communicate. i was always left guessing how he felt about me. i was anxious all the time because in the beginning he was so much more vocal about how he felt, and the longer we were together the less he would show me he cared.

2. he acted like spending time with me was a chore. i always had to plan the dates and ask when he was available. i would wait anxiously for a reply as to whether he was going to make time for me in his busy schedule.

3. i didn’t trust him. i was scared to test his faithfulness and i never believed his intentions were pure.

4. he couldn’t give me the bare minimum. he didn’t want to fix things. he didn’t want to do better for me. he didn’t want to be the man i needed him to be.

5. he was his own first priority, i wasn’t even on the list. everything else came before me. and he came up with excuses when i called him out.

it doesn’t matter how attractive he was or how he made me feel so wanted initially, it unfortunately, turned into something toxic. and i just need a man who does better for me. i just need someone who’s willing to try for me. i just need someone who’s able to the bare minimum to keep me. i deserve to feel like i matter. i can’t change him, even when i thought i could. and i deserve someone i shouldn’t have to try to change. and there’s a lot of other fish in the sea.

stop idealizing the same man who wouldn’t even try for you.

never make descisions in your relationship when your lonely or horny. those two emotions have the ability to control your life and do damage to the relationships we value most.

sometimes it’s important to take time to disconnect from everything around you. go on a drive and feel your feelings. go on a drive when it’s late and it’s dark and the street lights are on. go on a drive and listen to music that makes you feel something. go on a drive and forget about your responsibilities. go on a drive all by yourself and forget about the things that hurt you today, forget about the things people said to you tofay, forget about the things that stress you out. just go on a drive and exist. live. feel alive. sometimes we are so caught up in our responsibilities that we forget we are alive. and we forget how to be alive. we forget that it’s a gift. and we forget about the beauty of being alone. and the beauty of taking time to be alone and do nothing. there is so much beauty in simply existing, even for 30 minutes, without distraction, without anxiety, without stress. simply get in your car, turn on music that makes you feel like a fucking human again, and drive in the peace of the night.

reason my ex is not the man for me

1. we had different needs. he needed too much alone time to satisfy my need for closeness, and when we finally did get time together, he complained how he was tired and didn’t really have the energy to be hanging out with me and that he only did it to make me happy.

2. he was terrible at communicating. he never shared his true feelings and our relationship lacked honesty. i had to beg him to communicate the very bare minimum and even getting him to conversate was sometimes a struggle.

3. he didn’t give me the reassurance i needed without me asking for it. there was never a goodmorning text or a random ‘i love you’ throughout the day. he almost always said he loved me as a response to me saying it first. he hardly ever complimented me, unless he was horny.

4. he didn’t like to be shown love the ways that i wanted to express my own. he didn’t enjoy compliments on appearance and he didn’t like getting gifts, or even giving them for that matter. he didn’t want to dance with me at my cousin’s wedding, and acted like it was an inconvenience that i had brought him with me. he didn’t wish to be included in my life and what was important to me.

5. he didn’t show love in the ways i needed him to. he didn’t make time for me when it was inconvenient. he didn’t reassure me as much as i needed him to. i felt as if our best moments were moments spent being physical, as that was the only time i got the attention i needed.

6. we were too different. he was far too introverted. he had a hard time spending time with my friends and even spending time with me took a lot of energy from him. doing things with me that i saw as low-energy, actually took a lot from him. he simply couldn’t fulfill my social needs.

7. he was just too depressed all the time. he was always in a bad mood and it greatly affected our relationship. he would hurt my feelings often when he was in one of these moods, or flat-out ignore me and pretend that the relationship no longer exsisted. he had no lust for life, and his sadness only brought me down.

8. he thought that me trying to compromise was actually me trying to change him. he had almost no motivation to fix things with me during arguments. i was the only one fighting for the relationship. there was no 50/50 effort.

9. out of nowhere his mood would change and he would tell me that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me. he strung me along longer than he should have because he needed to feel like he mattered to someone, when i hardly even mattered to him. he would say hurtful things to me, and question is love me for me out of nowhere. i deserve someone who is absolutely sure of me, someone who doesn’t question their love as if it’s a feeling that comes and goes.

10. instead of clinging to me when times got tough, he pushed me away. in the end, he had fallen out of love. it wasn’t my fault his feelings evaporated, and it wasn’t something i could change. the relationship has left me dissatisfied and lonely for almost all of its intirety. it wasn’t that i wasn’t enough for him, it’s that he wasn’t enough for me, and we both knew it since the very beginning.

easiest way to stop crying is to think of all the times you stood by them when they were doing you wrong. you deserve better than someone who doesn’t fight for you, isn’t sure about you, and only loves you when it benefits them.

i just want to say, after going through my 2nd breakup in the same year, i’m really fucking done with dating.i’m sick of being treated like shit. i’m sick of being used as a convenience. i’m sick of not knowing where i stand with someone who supposedly loves me.

life is just way too fucking short and i’m way too young to be dealing with bullshit in my relationships. i’m done feeling like i need closure. i don’t need any fucking closure. i do my best every single time and it’s not that i’m not good enough, it’s that i’m not wanted enough. i’m still waiting for the day i meet someone who’s all in for me. i’m still waiting for the day i meet someone who accepts all parts of me. i’m still waiting for the day someone fights as hard for me as i do for everyone else. i’m angry. i’m pissed. i’m sick of being treated like absolute shit all the time.

it’s easy to make poor choices when your horny and lonely, but part of being a strong woman is choosing to think about how your choices affect the future instead of focusing on how you feel right now.

why rush love? or feelings? or sex? or intimacy of any kind?

the best things in life come slowly and gradually. the best things in life take time.

so far.

so far this year, i have hit the lowest points i have ever hit. i have lost people i deeply cared for, i have lost self esteem, i have experienced more pain at one time than ever before. my heart has been through so much in such short of time. it is up to me to build myself back up. it’s been so hard, but being sad about the difficulties doesn’t make them less difficult. the journey to happiness starts today. and today i just need to feel it, to cry about it, and accept it in order to grow. because i need to get back up for myself.

my life is about me. it doenst revolve around other people. say it again.

today i had a setback

seeing you with someone else brought back all the emotions of self hatred i experienced at first. and i cried again for the first time in a month. the truth is i don’t know how to love myself. there isn’t a list of steps to complete in a certain order, and no advice from anyone else is going to suddenly change your perspective. it’s just so hard. my self worth was rooted in how you felt about me and now i hardly have any. as if it’s out of my control, i often wonder why i wasn’t good enough. i wonder if i’ll ever be good enough for anyone. i’m on a journey to inner hapiness, and it begins with self love.

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