Embr

A digital diary, the one place without nuance, Machiavellian power games or lies.

[embr-writing]

I’ve been called a workaholic, which I see as a compliment. When I thought about it, I realised I’m a workaholic because I have to. I dont have anything else. Of course I have my family. My friends. The occasional girl who sees me as her redemption. But a passion, a deep desire, something to strive for, I can’t envision. The only thing that comes to mind is work. Being productive. Being succesful. Being something. Being someone. And I realize it seems pretty sad, to cling to work. But I disagree. And before I explain why I have to acknowledge that I’m obviously biased since it’s the most personal of topics. But I think clinging to work and therefore putting way more than 40 hours a week in it isn’t sad because you develop yourself. For now, I know what I want. And why I want it because it is an obstacle for what I want next. To learn. To grow. To develop. But ofcourse. I’m still human. I need connections. Thats why I’m disappointed when a girl I put zero effort into decides to do something else. And that’s why I enjoy entertaining the girl I’m gonna fuck when she’s corona-free, despite not having feelings for her. It’s the connection. Maybe its loneliness. Probably that’s it. But I cant seem to fall in love with anyone I’ve met the past few years. So I cling to work. I improve. I grow. For myself. And if loneliness is the cost for knowing who you are, for growing and improving. Then for now, I’m willing to pay the price.

[embr-writing]

And the world keeps spinning. So we dance the dance and play the games.

[embr-writing]

Conversation

GP:

Sometimes I wonder you know.. how can we live a life that is full of things that want to break us.. so many people want to break things they can’t have, but then it gets me, like, I do understand.. the things that want to break us aren’t the bad things in life.. those are the things that really make us better, we are born warriors, we are born hunters, we are born survivors, we are human, we are the most complex living thing that exists in this world. We evolve every day, we come up with new solutions for problems.

Everybody has their own way of thinking and their own way of dealing with these so called ‘mental issues’. But none of them are wrong.. and yet every thought a person might have is most likely called ‘incorrect’ because it simply doesn’t fit in.

If we go back to our roots and look back to B.C, you see that there is one thing we have never forgotten, a thing called ‘love’. But how do we love someone? How do we feel attracted to someone? I don’t know and probably somebody will say he has the answer but does he? I doubt it...

As I get along with people I’ve met throughout my life, I still learn things from them, I learn more about how this world evolves and how we are infected by that constantly spinning ball in the universe. Crazy ain’t it? A universe that is so big, it goes beyond our imagination.

Embr:

I like what you said. That the things that try to break us may very well be the things that improve us. It’s a hopeful thought, as if to say that there is beauty in the struggle, that pain results in power and dark days will see the light.

I don’t really think anyone knows how to love or why. I think it’s a matter of trial and error. You love someone, you fuck up and move on. Or she fucks up. Maybe I’m not the one to talk about it because love is an abstract idea for me. I cannot grasp it, I never really felt it, I suppose. And even if I did, right now I don’t anymore. So is that still love then? Can love go away, can you stop loving? And if you can stop loving someone, was it really love? What is love? Or do we fall in love with the idea of a person, the way she seems to be. The cool things you like about her. Can we ever really know people or do we only see the way they seem to the world?

As romantic as it may sound, I think the only thing we can do is to give it a shot, ironic for me to say, I know, as the biggest coward regarding love of this world. But maybe it is true. We just have to keep trying and maybe one day we find the one. The one we can’t stop loving. And if that day arrives, we must hope that we see it and go all-in for her. And hope for the best.

[embr-writing]

But i am just a ghost in the wind. An illusion, a mirage. I am nothing more than sand.

[recommendedsongspoetry]

earth forgive me for forgetting

let your roots guide my pale flesh

downwards to the little bleak town

infest my mind with desires

the placement in society preferably strong

everybody wants everything

but now i shall be content with

just having loved and tasted

the cool breeze on my face

the acres of land intact

the grass softly shivering at night

and the water which holds reflection

earth, your mind is in the hands of man

human nature is quite viciously dominant

it burns with the chain of flowers

sleeps with the passions of the unknown

the harrowing beat of a heart that dreams

of love in all its forms, in all its powers

the sun rises with each lovely star

and theyre all singing of you

you’re the best like joy discovered

new found elation elastic like morning

streams of attraction in the gold you crave

the teasing strips of sunlight coming down

light comes soon to the ones that sing

delight hides like a treasure amidst foliage

and the water that gives new life

washes over us as a prayer from the past

when two lovers scorn the dark fields

and create a world full of something

deep inside the hearts, high with flames

of perfect unperturbed passion

[embr-writing]

And as darkness surrounds me, I’m ever more aware of the fact that nobody wants to hear sorrow. People only want to hear stories of success and happiness. Everything that’s bleak isn’t wanted. So where does that leave me? Do I have to pretend? Or am I destined for a life of shallow conversations with shallow people for shallow results? Am I finally realizing this is the only way for me? To become distant? Not to show feelings, emotions and doubts, but to solely emphasize on my strengths when connecting with people?

And accepting that? Accepting that people should be with me for how I seem to be, instead of what really concerns me? The possibility that my true voice will never be heard seems inescapable, mainly because dark thoughts push people away. Thank fuck for writing.

[embr-writing]

“Oftentimes, just as the sun goes down; I begin to feel this empty, loneliness in the pit of my stomach. It’s as if all of the hope and ambition I have during the day disappears as the darkness of the night fills the sky. I start to feel this heavy feeling of anguish, and hopelessness.

My mind begins to overflow with these negative thoughts about myself, and my life. The air becomes so thick with angst and worry, it becomes hard to breath; hard to think.

But all that disappears when I look up at the moon.

The dreary feeling of loneliness slowly fades away as I realize that I am not the only one out there that’s also looking up at the moon. I am not the only one in the world that is lonely. And I am definetely not the only one in the world that is going through something.

Although at times the night can make me feel alone, the moon will always remind me that I am not.”

18-1-18

[embr-writing]

Ik loop vol zwakte

Ogen neer, geen rechte rug

Naar een lege koelkast

En weer terug

Geen lach op mijn gezicht

Mijn pijn wordt uitgestraald

Ik voel me kwijt in deze wereld

Op elk moment verdwaald

Kon ik maar eens lachen

Ik wil niet meer de pijn

De tranen slik ik in

Laat mij toch eens gelukkig zijn

Maar er is geen horizon

Geen sterren in de nacht

Geen zon die mij verwarmt

Ik mis mijn vroegere kracht

Er waren tijden, vroeger

Dat ik me levend voelde

Altijd vrolijk en sociaal

Nooit iets kwaad bedoelde

Maar in deze stemming

Kan er geen lachje vanaf

Zelfs niet voor de vorm

Ik voel me duister, laf

Ik wil dit niet meer, laat me los

Wanneer zou het weer beter gaan

Graag morgen, maar het liefst nu

Laat me niet wachten op de volgende maan

[embr-writing]

In the past I’ve written about the possibility that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. That our road to happiness presents posibilities at every turn in life. All the dark days, setbacks and pain I’m now going through make it incredibly hard to stay positive and optimistic. I’m on edge, I anger quicker than ever before, I smile not as much as I used to. It feels as if who I am expected to be and who I was are slamming against eachother, crushing and suffocating my true self.

There’s this strange thought residing in my mind now. That whatever happens, I’ll deal with it. I’m starting to feel strong, powerful. Standing my ground, which obviously results in confrontations, however, it strangely keeps my mind at peace. I realise that at the end of the day, I still have to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. Whatever I may have done, I have to believe in myself, my judgement, and the blind conviction that at any given moment I’ve done what seemed best under the circumstance, no matter the consequences of my actions. I know that now. I’m starting to act on it now. After all those years.

-Embr

[embr-writing]

Los in de muziek. Verloren in het moment. Dansend op golven van geluid. Het maakt allemaal nu niet meer uit. We zweven, beven, geven ons over. En laten de kunstenaars aan zet.

[embr-writing]

Perhaps we’re scared that we’re not making the most of it. We want to believe that opportunities are on the horizon and because of that, we miss what’s right in front of us. We miss the fact that not doing anything is also a choice. That waiting for the perfect time is a choice of inaction. By believing and most of all accepting that we are where we are, we can open our eyes to beautiful opportunities. To roads we might have missed if we kept staring at the horizon.

We are the inevitable result of our choices and actions. The smallest of tasks determine who we are, our entire lives can be changed by sudden coincidence. By putting things off that could provide a fulfilling life we’re signing our own death warrant. Because it’s true that time stops for nobody. You blink and you’re the result of the choices you didn’t make. What we do determines what we become.

-Embr

[embr-writing]

All we want is a sense of belonging. But what scares us the most is the possibility that we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

-Embr

[books-n-quotes]

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.”

— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

[embr-writing]

"But then they loosen up. The rust flakes away with use and acceptance. The light hits them for long enough that they grow into beauty"

[embr-writing]

In the end, life is all about fighting. Battles to win, arguments to debate in, times to show what you’re made of. Wood. Or iron. Times to show what type of man you are. Whether you can handle the pressure or run for the hills. I think every moment in life is a battle of some sort. Some are small victories which mean very little. Others are moments of glory. Barbarians at the gate, fields of bodies and thousands of enemies. Moments where bravery is the act of being prepared to die for a cause. Your cause. In the end, selecting which battles are worth fighting in is the meaning of living. What are you prepared to give everything for? Your possessions? Your reputation? Your life, even? The answer to that question is an indication of who you are. The battles you decide not to fight in, determine what kind of man you are. The battles you are prepared to live for shape your character.

-Embr

[embr-writing]

Ik voel me als de hoofdpersoon

Van een slecht geschreven tragedie

Waarin niets bijzonders gebeurt

En daarna

Alles tegelijk

-Embr

[embr-writing]

We just are. Some trapped by circumstance. Others by society. Some by themselves. As insignificant most days seem, it’s true what they say. The devil is in the details. The devil is in everyday mediocrity, the absence of exitement. The drag of routine. It seems hard to find beauty in every moment. Impossible, even. But that’s the thing. In the end, happiness seems to be the ability not to see or find beauty, but still enjoy every moment. It’s the blind conviction, based on nothing and everything at the same time, that life is grand and days are to be seized.

-Embr

[embr-writing]

Eigenlijk wil ik schrijven over belangrijke dingen. Mensen aan het denken zetten, inspireren om hun keuzes kritisch onder de loep te leggen. Leven, dood, het streven naar geluk. Maar laten we eerlijk blijven. Wie ben ik om daar wat zinnigs over te zeggen, laat staan te vereeuwigen met inkt? Wie ben ik om mensen advies te geven, ze te activeren om hedonisme naast ze neer te leggen en te kiezen voor verstandige keuzes?De filosofie die ik dagelijks uitdraag staat haaks op de adviezen die ik predik. Elke keuze die je ooit gaat maken in je leven dient uit jezelf te komen, wanneer anderen hier invloed op uit kunnen oefenen is het per definitie incongruent. ‘Waarom zou ik dan’, vraag je. Inderdaad. Waarom zou je. Leef gewoon. Maak plezier. Die comfortzone is niets meer dan een psychologische barricade opgeworpen door je eigen onzekerheid. Fuck die shit. Ga los, wordt dronken op een dinsdagmiddag, meld je ziek, fuck ‘em. Doe gewoon waar je zin in hebt. Want aan het einde van de dag is dat het enige dat telt. De herinneringen die je maakt zijn meer waard dan de cijfers op je bankrekening, wanneer je ligt te creperen in een ziekenhuisbed. En natuurlijk, dit alles is niets nieuws. Bovendien, alle quotes die je overal op mooie zwart-wit-tegeltjes leest op badkamers bevatten een kern van waarheid. Maar waarheid is leuk, theorie schitterend, maar alles waardeloos wanneer je dit niet dag in, dag uit toepast in je doen en laten. Dus fuck ‘em. Leef voor jezelf, in het nu of in de toekomst. Het interesseert helemaal niemand. Niemand. Alleen jouzelf, als het goed is.

-Embr