The Different Story--Postscript
Original date of writing: June 2019.
“I can only hope that one day you will see it fitting to be a part of my different story.”
This is a different June than the one that I left off at, and I’ve come to recognize that you have always occupied a space in the different story; you’ve just never known what that story is.
I used to imagine that the sequel to this story would be one that I would tell you in person. That from that moment onward, things would be different. But that isn’t meant to be, is it? I’m writing this because I will never get that chance.
I know anyone who disagrees means well, but that hope is not coming. This is my different story.
Different means a story where there aren’t even happy intermediates, let alone a happy ending. Different means a story that has impossible dilemmas. Different means a realm of existence that I live in by myself, because there is no alternative.
I say different because it’s not something that people have seen, but to me, it has always been the same story. It will always be the same story, and there are no good ways to describe it without being viewed as one of the many things that I’ve been ostracized for, but with the sparse remnants of my sanity, I will try.
I’ve lived most of my life without the prospect of happiness, crystallizing into the belief that there is nothing to gain, but everything to lose. There is no rock bottom. There is always further to fall. I just don’t know where the next depth is.
Somewhere in the wreckage, there lies an understanding of what my life is like, and why there is no capacity for change. Some part of me knows that the only way is forward, even if it goes down forever. Some part of me knows what the answer is, why it will not come, why it pertains to you, and why I can never ask that of you.
I hope to at least include what I will never say to you: I love you.
Some part of me wants to believe that when I wake I will find you waiting, that it will be better from then on, but it won’t be that way.
It will be June. It will just be June.