Hello. I know there were several people on here who offered to give financial support to me last time i considered leaving. I really do not want to ask this, but I need help. The ball is finally rolling, I am viewing places tomorrow. But money is a huge factor. Please read and consider. Please share. I am so suicidal I almost convinced myself to drink bleach. I literally had the bottle to my mouth. I am so scared. He threatened to strangle me last night. i cannot wait any longer. Please please help. I set the goal really high, I do not expect that much. But anything ANYTHING will help.
To get an idea of what my emotional state is currently like, I was suggested to include this message I wrote to my sister recently:
“August 1st 2016
he stayed up too late to get enough sleep
Rambling on and on about whatever he wanted to say. And i laid there in the dark listening to him patiently. In a bed i cant get comfortable in if he is home. And then he blamed me because he wouldnt get enough sleep for work and i should have stopped him from talking all this time. No matter how many times i have done so in the past and he doesnt listen. He said he needs a mother. He needs me to be his mother. And i stayed up all night as i do because i cannot rest beside this man that i married. And each morning he scolds me for not sleeping. So to avoid that confrontation i make his breakfast and his lunch. Something he tells me i need to do so that he can be healthy and lose weight and not spend so much on fast food. Something he yells at me for on a regular basis because he needs me to be his mother. And i sleep all day because i didn’t all night and stayed up til morning to make his food. And when it is time to wake up i can barely make myself get out of bed. I can barely make myself open my eyelids because i do not want to be in the waking world. I try to make myself some food and get it down despite feeling sick all the time. Every day. I know there are chores to be done but i cant do them because i am so sad. I have no energy. And i dont want to give in to what he expects of me. My soul refuses to give my physical body the ability to do it. But my anxiety kicks in. I know he will be home in a few hours and i dread it. I know he will yell. I know he will belittle me. I know he expects his dinner to be ready. I wash the essential dishes so i can make dinner at the very least. I lie when he comes home and say the superintendant came by and asked me not to use the water due to maintenence and that is why i didnt get the dishes done. He is in the shower yelling something. He throws a shower caddy on the floor. He says there was toilet paper in the tub drain. My fault he yells. The dog is eating soap that he threw on the ground with the caddy. Not his fault he yells. I was holding a book pretending to read to avoid conversation. He demands to know where the hell i got that book. He has never seen it before. He doesnt remember buying it.
He demands to know where the needle and thread that he last used is. I am always to remember or find where his belongings are. He accuses me of moving it. While looking he finds a pocket knife. Demands to know why i left it on the shelf. It has a lock mechanism and i didnt know how to close it. He scoffs and says i shouldnt need lessons on how to close a knife. He doesnt know how to work the can opener. I am not awarded the same human flaws that he is. Again.
I make dinner. He sits in front of the tv. I ask him if he wants this coconut water he has been keeping in the fridge. He plays this game like i was asking if i could have it. Confused about whether he wants it or not. I say i was just asking if you wanted a drink. He says yes. I bring it to him. I open the tab for him. As i am walking into the living room he starts yelling about a pillow and how i need to move it. He is 2 feet from the pillow. He yells it is too much work for him to get up. I am already standing. I must move it. Dinner is going to burn. I tell him no i am making dinner. Move it yourself. He is screaming repeatedly for me to move it. He is calling me a cunt. Stupid fucking cunt. I take dinner off the stove. Text my mother. I am crying. He keeps going so i try to record some on my phone. I am crazy because i am complaining about him. I am crazy for recording him. Even though he has recorded me crying and sent it to his coworker entitled banshee woman. Conveniently never mentioning why i was in such distress. I am crying the same way now. Loud and desperately. Alone in this bedroom that i will not be able to sleep in tonight. He is eating his dinner. He says what the fuck did i do all day while he worked? He doesnt see how exhausted i am. He doesnt see that i am fighting to even stay alive. Even when i scream it in his face. This was my last 24 hours. This is my entire life.”
discoholicmusic
origamiaround
jimmyeatworldofficial
stormborns
vaporwave
