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@emeraldheart06
I am consumed by this darkness
that it seems so hard to get out
I never wanted to be here in the first place
But the growing thorns were so strong
Its tearing every flesh of me
Save me, my soul is crying
My hands are stretch out for you to reach
Save me I cry out.
Learn to Dance with the Rain
(Written July 24, 2012)
”Be like a cameo that makes an adjustment by camouflaging to his environment.”
Being a student is gone. I’m about to take another stage of my life where I should be more productive and be independent from my parents. It was just ironic that when I was still a student, I’ve been very eager to finish my schooling and just work instead. But now that I graduated, I wanted to go back and study again (deep sigh).
Being stocked here for a month now after the exam, I am thinking all over and over again. What career is waiting for me outside? What do I want to do? What should I do now? These questions are kept on popping in my mind. I am praying for answers… for God to reveal what are His plans for me. Right now, I am just holding on to His promise, Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have in you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)
Looking back on how I got through this, it is all because of God’s miracle and blessings. Two years ago, I almost had to stop my nursing course. I was already in my 2nd year and it was a dilemma for me. I just found myself one night crying out to God, asking questions and begging for help. I know it was not just me who were suffering from this but also my parents. Before another semester is about to start, I am unsure if I could still enroll… but God didn’t allow that to happen. I went to Baguio, and there I found my new nursing school through the help of a person whom God used to show His abundant love for me. It was so sudden but I am grateful.
Being in a new environment is a big adjustment. Though it’s hard, I must endure it for my family and for my future. My college life was full of challenges that tested my ability and my faith. There were still times that I cry at night because of losing hope… but still, God is there to give me hope. It is amazing that despite of this, God never fails to make me laugh most of the time. Blessings are truly a thousand times more than our sufferings.
Life is like a dance with different beats. Sometimes it is slow that we are able to enjoy the music. There were times that it goes fast and you should work hard to harmonize with it. It is a dance where you will get tired and want to give up because the steps are difficult. You will get bruised and stumble down because of your many attempts to do the step. But as they said, “behind every great performance are lots of sweats and sacrifices… time, money, effort.”
As I make my dance with life, I hope and pray that I can come up with a good performance as a living testimony to others. A dance which I can say a masterpiece of my great dance instructor, God.
WHEN GOD SAYS ‘NO’
November 2020 when I filed for a vacation leave in the Philippines. I am hesitant about it because of other things to consider but I still pushed through. I am very positive that God will work on this for me because I am praying about it. He said that when you ask, He will give it to you.
Few weeks later, it was denied. I was very dissapointed so I tried to find ways on how to reverse the result so I can still go for a vacation. Few days after, a news about this new variant of covid-19 was detected and some countries went for lockdown again. Restrictions on travels and quarantine procedures became more stringent. A friend who just recently landed in the Philippines had regrets of going home because realizations hit her that this is not a good time to go home. (So, this is God’s answer)
I often question about why things don’t go on my own way. I tell God, this is how I want things to be, this is what I like, I hope you give this to me. But when we look at the brighter side, of why things dont happen just because we want it, the more we appreciate the power of God.
His thoughts are higher than ours, so are His ways. Let us always remember that God may sometimes break our hearts for not giving what we wanted, but just like a mothers’ love for her child, He knows what is good and what is better for us. I felt devastated of not being able to go home (to my family), but I am grateful that He once again manifest in my life.
“It is not yet time to go home.”
I didn’t know a desert hide a mystery. I just knew it as a boundless mountain of sand, it is scorchingly hot and lacks water all throughout the years.
Then Paulo Coelho, my favorite author at this moment gave light into my understanding about desert.
“Its vast open space reminds us of how small we are compared with God.”
“When I see the sun coming up from the horizon, my soul fills with joy and I feel closer to God.”
The desert is not just a piece of empty of land. It may seem useless but only a wise person would understand its deep meaning.
If the desert could talk, it would have said to us how lonely to be separated from the greeneries. For a thousand years, it never change and never a suitable place to grow some vegetation. The desert thought it is bound to become lonely forever.
But to a pilgrim like Coelho, he found the truth about the desert. Like one of the pilgrim who travels to seek answers about the universe, the desert is one proof that there is a One greater being above us who can perform miracles.
After a thousand years, the desert cried tears. A long lonesome years, and the desert grows some plants.
It is a manifestation that in every suffering, it can be transform into joy. We are not alone and useless.
I went through my facebook friends list to do some clean up and here goes why the song Pangalawang Bitaw is in my post right now.
4 years have passed and I didn’t know I haven’t let go of everything til now. I have deleted all the pictures, but not the memories. I tried to forget the name but at times, I often hear it somewhere. It was him whom I gave my whole heart and yet he chose to break it. We created dreams together but I was left alone realizing that dream. His love vanished into thin air when I thought I’ m the most loved in the world. And then it hit me, when I thought I’m the one... he found another one.
He went to a different path, and there was myself... stayed to where he left. But I need to move on.
It was a long journey of moving on, of starting to realize my worth again. I need to be hurt to understand what love really is. The love that I deserve is way beyond compare to what I knew.
And today, I happened to see tags of them and there I learned that he’s already married not too long ago. He is smiling beside her bride showing off there fingers with wedding rings on it. I have to say I quiver into shock and felt like I flashback.
The pain, the memories, what I gone through...
The chapter in his life where I was there is totally gone. Probably now 1000 meters deep into the earth.
So here is my ‘pangalawang bitaw’. It was my right hand that have let go before. I didn’t realized I still have my left tightly holding back the remnants of our past.
Imposible ang makalimot, ngunit posible ang “okay na ako.” “Naaalala ko pa siya pero sa pangalan na lang.”
Now both my hands are free. Will someone reach and hold them?
Log #6
ANIBERSARYO DE UNO
August 25, 2020
It is exactly one year ago when I landed in this foreign land. It was very uncertain what will happen on my coming days, baon ka lang ay ang pangarap para sa aking sarili at sa aking pamilya. As I reminisce, it wasn’t easy at all. Culture, language, environment, the people were all foreign and different.
I faced rejections from work, financial struggle, pandemic crisis and all sorts but beyond that were redemption and victory from God. I can’t seem to imagine how fast one year have passed. Ang dami ng nangyari, isang taon palang yun.
God’s faithfulness is indeed amazing and I will be forever grateful of His wonderful works. It might be hard to live given the current situation that we are facing but this too shall pass in His perfect time. 🙏
KAYA PA, KASAMA NATIN ANG PANGINOON!
Log #5
June 24, 2020
COVID19 STORY
Two weeks ago (June 10,2020) I tested positive from covid19 and this point in my life brought a lot of realizations. FEAR, knowing the fatality rate and how serious this would affect ones body. Fear that I would die young, away from my family, in this foreign land. Fear that I have not accomplish enough and have not yet live my purpose in life. I questioned myself, nagkulang yata ako sa safety precautions. Hindi ako nag-ingat. I took the situation lightly. The first night after confirming that I am COVID positive, ang daming nagflashback sa utak ko. Then I began asking, WHAT IF? and tears started to flow from my eyes.
I went to pray, though I struggled to find my words, I still went to pray because I know God knows what I am asking. It made me realize that this is not my own battle. I have a big God who can conquer everything. I received a lot of messages from my family back home extending their prayers and this somehow gave me the courage and strength to pick up my self. My body was weak, pero mas malakas yung kagustugan kong talunin yung virus. Mas malakas ang dalangin. Mas malakas ang aking Panginoon.
I was brought into an isolation facility to be quarantined for 14 days and was closely monitored by other health care providers. Though I encountered some small problems like the taste of food, and the quality of assessment being provided, I managed to overcome it. 💪 I know that a lot of people are praying for me by this time because my sense of taste and smell are coming back and my severe headache and cough were gradually subsiding. I don’t have to undergo any other painful hospital procedures. Two days before my discharge, I had already two consecutive negative PCR swab test result which means that I am now free from the infection.
Today, I am home safe and healthy. 🙌 This is a testimony of how faithful and how good God has been to my life. Despite of my shortcomings, nandiyan pa din Siya nakahandang umalalay. And laki ng pagmamahal ni God sa mga anak Niya and knowing that I am His child is very overwhelming. As of writing this, my heart felt like it is going to burst. I can’t imagine ano pa ang mga gagawin ni Lord sa buhay ko.
Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Log #4 QUARANTINED
June 4, 2020
Few days ago, two of my flatmates tested positive from covid-19. Though we’re expecting that this will happen to us in no time and despite of being extra careful of everything we do, we still find it hard to deal with this. We cannot go out to buy our food, going to the bathroom is a long qeue (we are living in a shared accomodation), maintaining the required social distance in a small space, everyone can’t go to work.
14 days in a home quarantine and it feels like forever. However, these are the times where we should be stronger. Kapag nahihirapan, mas lalong tumatatag. Ganyan tayong mga Kristiyano. 💪
KAKAYANIN KAHIT QUARANTINE
Log#3 BIRTHDAY OVERSEAS May 6, 2020 I have been so silent when it comes to my birthday that I even put it to private on my social media account (I just wanted to keep it between people I am close with, if they would really remember when the day comes 😅) and thanks to them I woke up this morning to see my phone lit up with soooo many messages and greetings from FB friends, some of them may just know me by name but they choose to tapped there mobile keyboards to greet me happy birthday. Nakakataba ng puso❤️ I was planning to make it simple, just a little merienda for my flatmates (pansit bihon, the usual) but God is really amazing! He made it extra special, I had these plenty of food in my table because of some people who helped and gave without even me asking. 😁 The world is not in a good shape right now but the Lord is working in ways we cannot see. Magugulat kana lang, si God na pala yun! 28 years of God’s goodness in my life and I am so much more excited for my coming years to come. 🌻 HAPPY 28th BIRTHDAY TO ME! 🎂
Log #2
April 17, 2020 I was supposed to go on duty at Sharjah today. I arrived around 10am and already at the door of my patient’s house but wasn’t able to enter because the family is asking for covid test result of myself which I don’t have and did not do in the first place. They didn’t allow me to enter so I have to go back home in Dubai. I waited outside for our company service to pick me. The weather was hot and I had to stand for hours until my service arrives. It was already 12:30pm when I got home. What’s surprising is that I took the situation calmly. I wasn’t irritated or felt any anger towards any one because I know that who ever was involve in that situation didn’t want that to happen as well. Waiting for long hours or being rejected is something that reminds me about being patient for any circumstances. When we handle things calmly and allowing God to just work in between, everything will all go smoothly and we can be sure that it is his will and plan... not ours.
Log #1
April 16, 2020
As the world is experiencing a pandemic crisis, it cannot be denied the feeling of hopelessness, fear, and depression to name a few by most of us. If we do not handle this with a positive outlook, we too will die without being hit by the virus. In this lockdown, I have come to realize the beauty of waking up early every morning. Because there is so much more to do in a day… To go to work, to spend some time with family, hang out some more with friends, pray and have some quite time with the Lord, do your hobbies, to improve and grow more, to appreciate more the peple around you. But because of lockdown, everything is limited. I don’t know when will this end but I am positive and excited that God is working on each of us to learn to trust Him more and to call on His name. Maybe He just wants us to depend on Him more because the world is getting busy and chaotic that sometimes or most of the time, we forget to turn our eyes on Him.
It was rainy, dark, and cold. Staring at a distance wondering why this life is so unfair. Then suddenly you came and gave warmth to this frozen heart. The feeling is surreal. I started to believe in my worth. I had dreams, good dreams.
Sky begins to paint blue, and every waking moment is like a fairy tale. You were my sunshine. Everything seems bright… and beautiful.
But I almost forgot, seasons has fall and winter. The sun that once shine brightly became faint. The love withered through time and the stillness of sorroundings seems comforting to this numb feelings.
I will be used to it. I will take this heart piece by piece until someone comes to help me fix it.
-inspired by Meet Me in St. Gallen movie
You started a conversation And I answered After a long time It felt surreal Just like the old times Before all the heartaches
A year ended so fast, Thought it would never last. So here’s another year, Surely 2018 is now here. May it be good or bad, I will put my best foot forward. Nothing to worry and fear, God had it all, planned according to His will.
Success is the ability to go from failure without losing your enthusiasm
SHE
She doesn’t know much about this world. She only sees the bright side of everything. She was innocent, and fragile. She tends to believe whatever you say, even if it’s your smallest lie. She was hurt, broken and shattered… As if she died. It was almost impossible for her to live again, but she chose to gather up all her pieces. She used her pain to regain her self-worth and prayed to God to make her whole again.
The scars of the past is still painted on her heart. You can see her toughness outside, because she chose to be one despite having been hurt a lot. She’s not a damsel in distress waiting for a prince to save her. She already had a father, who is a King and did all the mending.
She is strong but weak, brave but scared, loved but unwanted.
