lmaooo i just came on here to cry bc i need to say things but idk where else to post
우리 종현 오빠 수고했어효. 진짜 수고했어효.
somehow i found myself listening to shinee’s old (and i mean like replay, juliette era old) music again just a few weeks ago... i forgot how invested i was into being their fan. they were the first group i bought an album for, bought merchandise for, they were the one group i wanted to see perform in concert. they were the first group i tried really hard to get to know; the first group whose members i could identify based on voice (and probably the only one to this day besides maybe bigbang). i could tell which song was which within the first three seconds of listening, for every song you released up to that point in time. they were the group that really made me want to know more about korean culture and the korean language. i was really happy when i listened to them again recently because it brought back a lot of good memories.
it may seem kind of stupid to be so sad about a celebrity’s death, a celebrity who i never met and haven’t kept up with in four or five years... but my life honestly wouldn’t be the same without shinee. i had tried getting into kpop back in middle school because i saw the wonder girls when they went on tour with the jonas brothers, and through them found tvxq/dbsk/etc. but nothing ever stuck to me until i listened to shinee. i don’t know what it was about them but i just latched on and, from there, my love for kpop just exploded.
even though i don’t listen to kpop anymore, kpop introduced me to an entirely new world. before, i didn’t care at all about my korean background and instead decided to be ignorant about it. eventually, i started doing taekwondo classes, korean classes, and watched dramas and kept up with korean news. now i’m the president of my university’s korean club, which has given me opportunities to meet new people, go to conferences, expand my leadership skills in so many ways. i learned about the country that i was born in but never got to know, and i’ve learned about myself through that.
i’ve tried teaching myself korean so many times and i have a newfound desire to learn so i can one day give thanks to the people that have gotten me this far.
to onew, key, minho, and taemin, i will support you until the end. as individuals and as shinee members, in whatever path you guys decide to take. i hope that one day i can show you my gratitude, but for now i just hope that you guys can rest and remember all the ways that jonghyun made your lives better and happier. i hope that you can continue to live strongly for jonghyun.
to my jonghyun oppa... most of the time, it doesn’t even feel real that you’re gone. i feel regretful that i never got to see you in person, that i didn’t support your solo music, that i didn’t care enough to keep up to date on you and your shinee members. even though i’m just one person, i wish i could have seen you to tell you in my broken korean that you’ve done well. as an idol, a shinee member, a hyung, a donsgaeng, an oppa, just as a person. you’ve done so well.
i was able to smile at some videos of you guys today, but when i tried to listen to shinee’s music when i was alone, i couldn’t help but cry when i heard your voice. to the most powerful voice in shinee, the one who silently watched over everyone, the one who cried the most on stage, and the one that completes the ot5, i know you will never be forgotten. i hope that your death is not in vain to the rest of the artists, family, and friends that are struggling and missing you right now. i hope that the entertainment industry and korean leaders take a stand in promoting mental health, lgbt issues, feminist issues the way that you did in your lifetime.
to my jonghyun oppa, who was a light in my life, who pushed me past my boundaries and helped shape me into the person i am today, thank you. i miss you.
there is a common thread that I’ve noticed among women wherein many of us (rightfully) believe ourselves to be good girlfriends and wives. and this isn’t without reason. entering into a romantic relationship and we naturally mold ourselves to our partners wants and needs. we think, I’m going to throw the shirt they left here in the wash so they don’t have to worry about cleaning it later. I’m going to pick up ingredients at the market for their favorite meal and make it for them. I’m going to leave a glass of water on their nightstand for when they wake up. I’m going to inconvenience myself in this small way in order to make their life marginally easier. these sacrifices hardly even feel like sacrifices. if anything they’re pleasurable: their happiness is your happiness. and yet it’s clear to me that this is a particularly deeply entrenched tendril of socialization. men rarely think like this, rarely reorient their thinking so radically when in a relationship. it presents a dilemma for women. you can either continue being overtly caring and nurturing, even if it’s not reciprocated or even necessarily appreciated, or you can actively become more withholding, which is emotionally taxing in its own right. what can you do. womanhood is synonymous with dissatisfaction and disillusionment
My Grandfather speaks rapid Cantonese to me.
He’s telling me what he wants from McDonalds.
The kid behind the counter rolls his eyes at this.
The woman behind us in line says “Speak English” under her breathe.
The grip my Grandfather has on my arm tightens.
My Grandfather can speak English.
He can understand English.
He can write English.
But he came when he was in his twenties, and he has an accent
that will never leave.
And when he speaks English
he hears-
“How long have you been here?”
“Can you repeat that again?”
“I don’t understand you.”
And it humiliates him.
This man who left his family,
who left his life to make a better one.
The bravest man I know
is embarrassed of his accent.
And in McDonalds,
the man who crossed the pacific
in a freight boat with no papers
and no one he knew in this country,
bows his head in shame.
When you’re finally able to say “yes, I still miss him but I don’t want him to come back”, that’s how you know you’re healing. Even if it still hurts sometimes.
“Someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. They can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. And whatever their reasons you must leave. Because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. You never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. There is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. And there is the love that will be ready.”
a simple life.
a place that we make our own,
white sheets and indigo colored coffee mugs.
breakfast without our clothes,
laughing as we pretend to read the paper.
writing together, our legs intertwined
as I watch your face grow deep in thought.
the glow of our shadows casted delicately on the wall
as we hush each other not to wake the neighbors.
a simple life is all I long for.
to you, one day//d.a.h
Whispering Bones, by Drew Hairgrove
Purchase your copy here
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