Null & Void

Emma Stone || 26 || Actress I tend to not make a lot of sense, I love my friends endlessly, but I love Jesse a little more.

[wordsnquotes]

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking: True Stories  (via wordsnquotes)

[mousewitched]

we don’t get out very much, we don’t get out very much i’m afraid were loosing touch with our balled up little crowd when we get out and get drunk and we get high and don’t talk we just walk and walk and walk until we find ourselves alone but at least we’ve got each other

[emmmajeanstone]

The World That I Wanted || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

Distance and time always seem to get in the way of good things. Jesse had learnt that quite a while ago. But somehow, this time, it was different. There were no apologies to make, not heartbreak to fix. This time it was just him coming home from a long few months of work. It felt good to know that this time apart he had spend with Emma, was something they had both agreed to, that neither of them just fell out of the relationship, letting the other person to fend for themselves. Like he had done once. 

He had landed at the airport an hour ago; he didn’t want to call Emma in order to surprise her, but seeing as it was impossible for him to catch a cab at that hour, he had to give in. She was always his savior in these situations. 

After calling Emma and spending a few minutes talking non-sense like they always did, he finally told her where he was, trying to dissimulate his cry for help. She was always quick to catch on and before he could say anything else, she had hung up. Jesse just wandered around the airport, trying to kill some time before her arrival. 

He just wanted to hung her and kiss her, tell her how much he had missed seeing her. The curly haired knew he was in too deep, that it was hard for him to leave her for any amount of time and that that was probably unhealthy for the both of them. But that was their work, and he’d be damned if they didn’t find a way to make it work. All doubts about her feelings for him were gone by this point, and he’d fight all of hell for things to keep being that way. 

After waiting for what seemed like 30 minutes (he wasn’t completely sure seeing as his inner clock was four hours behind) Jesse stood near one of the entrances, staring at the news on one of the flat screens and wondering why do all airports always have CNN on. He was starting to feel crowded, spotting people surrounding him from the corner of his eyes, which made him start getting anxious. Shaking his head, the curly haired guy turned around and spotted a redheaded girl running towards him and wrapping her arms around his neck. 

Jesse was confused for about 0.5 seconds before dropping his bags and locking his arms around her waist. Her perfume was the only clue he needed to recognize her. That and the fact no one would ever greet him with such excitement.  He felt her lips and his, fighting the urge to deepen the kiss in front of so many people, however he had to comply slightly. He had missed her so much. After the broke apart to catch some air, Jesse smiled. “Hi, sunshine.”

[emmmajeanstone]

Emma kept her arms around his neck as they broke apart. She analyzed the face she knew all too well. As much as her own. More even. The photo’s she had on her cell of them both was never far from her sight, especially when he was gone. They became more of a comfort blanket to her before she went to sleep. Them, and Eisenstone of course. “I kinda missed you, goofy.” She teased, turning around and walking towards her car with her arms still around his shoulders.

The curious onlookers didn’t seem to bother her. In fact, she’d forgotten everything except Jesse. After a quick glance around, she slid her arms away. Just incase Jesse felt slightly uncomfortable. She knew him really well by this point to know what made him feel a little uneasy. Not being able to completely let him go all together, she kept her hands on the closest hand of his to her as they walked.

“Cats are alive. They miss you a lot. I mean- I missed you more of course.” She smirked, glancing up at him and giving him a quick wink. “I rearranged the dining room-” She hesitated for a second. “Well, Hallie did.” She shook her head with a laugh. “Does she know you’re home? She said I had to tell her if you didn’t because her and your parents wanted to come for dinner.” Giving him a look, she hoped he read the expression. 

Maybe tomorrow- She said with her eyes.

I want just us tonight.

As they got to the car, Emma helped load the suitcases in the trunk and got in the car and started their journey home. “Do you know what’s happening in two months?” She said, one hand on the wheel, the other in her hair, glancing over to him. “Our one year. Not including the break of course. But one whole year since we were in the bounce house and ball pit and we kissed.” She raised her eyebrows quickly. “God-” She said as a breath. “Do I get a medal or something for putting up with you all this time?” She teased with a small smirk.

[nosmilk]

“I was a garden and you were the flowers that made me beautiful.”

em (via nosmilk)

[veda-almighty]

Let’s stay up together and talk about how badly you fucked up today.

Insomnia (via theda-almighty)

[emmastome]

[gwensstaecy-blog]

[emmmajeanstone]

The World That I Wanted || Eisenstone

Three months was such a long time. Though, given everything they had been through, it was the calmest few months they’d had in a long time. The break up, the rehab, moving in- moving out- moving back in, it was a lot in a short space off time. She only wished it were as calm but with him not working so much. Of course, she didn’t grumble. It’s what they both did. She just missed him.

Jesse brought his cats to move into the apartment with him, so while he was away, at least she had some company. Though they seemed a lot more aloof with her than normal she noticed as she was stroking one sat on the sofa with some daytime show on on the background. “Do you miss your daddy?” She asked stroking from the top of it’s head to the tip of it’s tail. That stroke seemed like one too much, and she was off the sofa and out the door before Emma could even grumble.

Thankfully, her phone buzzed and her mood completely changed seeing it was Jesse that was flashing up in front of a cheesy photo of the two of them as the background. Emma made a mental note to change that as she answered the call and paced as they spoke.

“I’m actually at the airport trying to grab a cab or something resembling a means of transport.”

Her smile grew wider as she leaned on the back windowsill which looked over their garden. After muttering something about the shed she was attempting to build- but had the murder scene evidence right in front of her eyes, so quickly got off the subject- She offered to pick him up in the truck her dad lent her for moving thing for the shed. Emma made another mental note to give the truck back too. She’d call someone in to build the shed. She’d done more damage than good by now.

Clicking off the phone, she grabbed the keys to the car, and bent down to stroke Jesse’s cat again. “Dad’s coming home!” Her excitement burst as she made a noise and skipped quickly down the stairs and into the truck. Thankfully, the airport wasn’t too far away. It was just a pain in the ass with traffic, but still not worth the walk. Digging through the drivers side pocket for a certain cassette since the car didn’t have a CD port or AUX leads, she pulled out Spice Girls. The only one she kept from childhood that was actually hers. Putting in it, she sang along loud with the windows down going- Tops- 30 miles an hour behind traffic.

Finally, she reached the airport. Parking as close as she could, she hopped out the car and started lightly jogging over to the doors. Before she got there, she was the signs of curly hair, lost expressions and a few people around him like flies. As they left, she ran over to him again, locking eyes before throwing her arms around his neck and holding him for a minute before pulling back to kiss his lips lightly. “Hi Snowflake.”

[jesse-notlexluthor]

I do try. Well, that’s always good to know. You’re also worth every second, sunshine. I’m actually at the airport trying to grab a cab or something resembling a means of transport. I miss you too.

[emmmajeanstone]

You’re adorable. Wait, you’re coming home? Do you want me to pick you up? I have my dads old truck because I’m trying to build a shed but- Well that’s a different story. I can come now if you want?

[jesse-notlexluthor]

There’s no such thing as too much lurking, Emma. Oh, I hope it wasn’t a worthless wait, then. I know, I guess it comes with the genes. I’ll make it up to you both.

[emmmajeanstone]

You certainly know the way to my heart, Jesse. Don’t worry, I happen to think you’re worth every second. Are you coming home soon? I sort of miss you, you know.

[jesse-notlexluthor]

Right? Who knows? Oh, hello. Well, I’ve probably been lurking. I’m quite good at that. Or just at home, y’know… with the cats. How about you? Where have you been all my miserable life?

[emmmajeanstone]

Lurking too far away, in my humble opinion. Well I’ve been waiting for you all my miserable life, obviously. You almost missed Eisenstone’s half birthday. That would have been tragic as a father.

[jesse-notlexluthor]

Three months, already? Wow, time flies when one is… uhm–filming in an underground area somewhere to keep very private filming… private. Who knew superhero movies were so… secretive?

[emmmajeanstone]

I’m getting the impression there’s something private about your filming. I don’t know where I got that from. Hey there, handsome. Where you been all my miserable life?

[emmmajeanstone]

Near Wild Heaven || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

It made Jesse happy that Emma thought of her sister and that they were friends. He felt sad for leaving them both but he had a restore faith that things would turn out okay. He had managed to get Emma back so re-building their relationship with the curly haired’s sister would be much more easier. Hallie never held grudges and Jesse loved her for that. “We can. Whenever you want.” He said, with a smile.

“Not as much as I missed yours, sunshine.” He replied, feeling his own heart smiling. He felt secure and loved, worthy of something more than just pity and compassion. He felt sure of himself whenever he was around Emma but more than that, he felt happy. True, genuine, unadulterated happiness. It was all he needed in life.

Jesse looked up from the toy and into Emma’s eyes as soon as he felt his hand in his cheek, the warmth of her skin against his, the touch he had missed for months and months. He felt like in a day dream, though he was sure as hell he wouldn’t wake up from this one. He smiled lightly, although with a slight tinge of sadness. “Not quite there yet. But I’m working on it.” He replied with conviction. He was far from perfect but he had hope for the future—his future with her.

The brunet sat down next to Emma and immediately wrapped his arms around her, like they had done dozens of times before; it felt like finally being home. He bit his lip as he pondered on the ideas of what to do before finally shrugging. “I just want to talk. We haven’t done that for a while and I really miss it.” He said. It was true, he missed their mindless, random conversations at the most inconvenient hours. He looked around at the apartment after her question, with a smile plastered in his face as the memories began to flow. “Of course. I don’t think I’ve ever painted an apartment before. It was tortuous.” He joked.

[emmmajeanstone]

Emma loved when Jesse called her Sunshine. She wasn’t entirely sure quite why, but it always seemed fitting. Scrunching up her nose and tilting her head to the side slightly, she came across shy. “Look at you making me all red and gross again.” She said teasingly, pursing her lips slightly. If there was one thing Emma was sure of, it was that years and years could pass, and she’d still get butterflies with him. He aways had a way of making her feel like a teenager with a crush.  Maybe that’s what love was. Never losing that feeling.

The red head never replied to his comment about him working on being perfect. To her, he always was. And would never fall short of. Sure the months had been hard, but she would never deny her love for him. And all the things it was made of. Even if she was to never feel it or see it again. She continued to stroke his cheek with her thumb as she gazed into the eyes she didn’t know would ever look at her like that again.

As they sat on their couch, she sighed. It was perfect. And she felt a calmness she hadn’t felt in so long. A drained, content, excited calmness that she didn’t know how to react to. Luckily, Jesse seemed to have it together a lot more than she did. “Talking is perfect.” She tilted her head to look up at him as he gazed around the room after her question. His smile was genuine and beautiful. It made her smile even bigger.

Laughing at his comment, she nodded slowly. “It was completely torturous.” She agreed. “Well, for you. You did all the hard parts, I basically just drew on the walls until they were covered.” She admitted with a small shrug. “Picking furniture was fun too. Running around Ikea like we owned the whole damn store.” Her face crumpled slightly as she thought back. In retrospect, maybe laying in every bed when they already had a bed wasn’t the most mature. “What’s your favorite memories? Of the apartment. Of us?”

[emmmajeanstone]

Near Wild Heaven || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

Jesse felt his heart ease into his own chest once she said she’d like to have him back; not only back in her, their, apartment now, but also back in her life. He didn’t want—he’d never wish—for something more because he got everything he really wanted in this moment. “Good”, was all he could say but somehow that felt enough. They’d work on rebuild their lives now, together and hopefully manage to move on from this stain in their history. For the first time in God knows how long, as he stared at Emma with a smile of his own, Jesse felt hope. 

“About that…” He began, “Hallie is a bit upset with the both of us.” Jesse admitted. Of course she’d be considering she had been rooting for both of them since day one and out of nowhere his brother left and Emma, well, did what she had to do in order to not feel as hurt. “But I’m sure we’ll get her back.” He said with a small shrug. 

Jesse’s face turned into confusion as she walked away and back into her bedroom. The brunet didn’t exactly know what to expect but decide to just go with it. If there was something he’d always love was Emma’s spontaneous self. She’d always keep him on the edge of his seat, he’d never get tired of saying it, because it would never stop being true.

Once she was back and standing in front of him, a smile and a giggle escaped from him as she spotted the black toy cat she had once given him as a token of their first month together. He had asked himself where it had gone whilst going through the small amount of stuff he had in his possession. He was relieved to know it hadn’t been lost, that he hadn’t lost it. “Eisenstone!” He said, taking hold of it as she heard Emma speak. His heart broke slightly, that this had been the only thing keeping her from giving up on him, but he was mostly glad. He couldn’t bare the idea of Emma forgetting Jesse, of letting him go—despite his attempts of making her. “It’s not weird.” He said, remember how he kept all of her letter, even though he hadn’t read them. “If anything I’m glad he protected you.”

[emmmajeanstone]

“Oh God.” She said in a sigh, waiting for the inevitable. She knew Hallie would have been mad at her. In fact, she expected the brunette to hate her. From the outside, she was sure it looked like Jesse went to rehab and Emma gave up on him. She didn’t have the heart to call and explain. Mostly because talking about the whole thing just broke her heart a little more. And she saw Jesse in Hallie which would have made everything even harder. “I miss her a lot. Maybe we should visit her or something.”  

Nothing seemed too weird or uncomfortable or hard now she was with Jesse again. With him by her side, she knew she could take on the world. She invited it. “I missed that smile.” She said with a small pout as she tapped the end of his nose with her finger. That smile that could make her do anything the words came out of it asked with zero hesitation. In all honesty, she missed her own too. It was hard to really smile without him.

Her grin widened as he took Eisenstone and played with him in his hands. It almost looked like he saw in it what she was searching from it the months they were apart. “He did a pretty good job protecting me, actually.” She admitted, looking at it as she spoke. “Not as good as you, but decent enough.” She shrugged sarcastically with the small smile still glued to her face. Bringing her hand to his cheek, she took in his every detail. With a long inhale and exhale she scrunched her nose up quickly. “You’re kind of perfect, you know that Eisenberg?”

Sitting back down on the sofa, she patted the space beside her for him to join. As he did, she wrapped her arm around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder. Her face hiding in the crook of his neck. “What do you want to do?” She asked quietly to not ruin the perfect moment. “Anything you want.” Though she did hope whatever he wanted to do didn’t involve leaving the apartment. Which made her think of when they first moved in together. They more or less hibernated in the flat for a week or two. Moving him in, painting the rooms to how they wanted them to look, watching tv, spending all day in bed. It was perfect week. Her perfect week. A smile grew over her lips as she though. “Remember painting this room?” She asked, biting her lip to keep her from smiling any wider.

[emmmajeanstone]

Near Wild Heaven || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

A chuckle escaped Jesse lips which even surprised him. This morning he didn’t think he would be able to smile again—as dramatic as it sounded— and now here he was. He was patching things up in his life, slowly. Baby steps his therapist had told him. Baby steps. He forced himself to repeat in his head, feeling the air around them suddenly become lighter.

The curly haired guy stood there as they both looked at each other, taking in each other’s presence, the things they loved and remembered and the subtle changes that were inevitable. Emma’s green eyes, ever-loving, going from extremely hurt to worried and pained, to kind and joyous. The calm was finally reaching over him, wrapping him in a numbness that didn’t feel at all alarming. They were fine. They’d be fine. It was going to be hard to restore themselves to normalcy, but for now… they were fine. He hadn’t completely screwed them over.

Jesse wrapped his arms around her as Emma’s sneaked around his shoulders. He breathed into her neck as she continued to kiss his, shivering slightly at her warm touch. He had been so long in the cold, her arms becoming a comforting home. 

"I promise that I’ll never leave you again. Being away from you almost killed me, too." He whispered back, looking into her eyes whilst their foreheads where against each other. "I love you too, Em. I love you so much." He said, his voice almost breaking when he spoke those words he hadn’t said aloud in a long time. "Do you want me to stay here?" Jesse asked her. "Because I’d really like that." 

[emmmajeanstone]

Closing her eyes, she took him in. Everything. His love, his pain, his fears and doubts. His bravery that she was so proud of him for. Not many people would have the confidence to scrap themselves to build again with different blueprints. She knew she wouldn't. But he did, and by God, she loved him for that. Along with a million other reasons. Right in that moment, it was his arms around her like nothing and nobody could hurt her because he was there. If she could have lived forever in that feeling, she would.

Hearing him say he loved her, it gave her butterflies. Like it had every single time before that. He had a unique and beautiful way about him. Like a snowflake. Like her snowflake. "I absolutely want you to stay here." She answered. "More than anything I want you with me again." Pulling back slightly so she could look at him properly with a silly little smile she couldn't wipe off her face, she tilted her head. "Now I can stop avoiding Hallie and your mom." She smirked a little wider. 

If there was any point in her life she felt like everything was okay, it was that moment. The one thing she silently clung to for months. Hope. Hope he was okay. Hope she would be. Hope he would come to her door and tell her everything she wanted to hear. And now, she was basking in it. Her eyebrows raised and her mouth dropped slightly. "Wait here." She pecked his lips and jogged to the bedroom to fetch something from the bed. His side of it, in fact.

When she returned, she held it behind her back. Only presenting it when she was right in front of him again. The black toy cat she got him in their first month together. "I kept Eisenstone. I found him in a drawer the week after you went to rehab. He sleeps with me now, actually." She admitted more proud than embarrassed. It was kind of a reminder of how in love they were and how silly they were with each other. "It's weird but, he kind of gave hope that we could be that in love again, you know?"

[emmmajeanstone]

Near Wild Heaven || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

Her standing right in from if him to drag him back down to Earth, to calmly look him in the eye and tell him something a small part of him believed, was everything Jesse needed at the moment. He needed her for that and so much more. Somehow he didn’t feel all that worthless when she was around. 

Jesse took a minute to process her words as his hands clung to her sides, not wanting to be apart from her for another minute but of course they couldn’t be like that for eternity. The brunet felt hollow when she finally let go of him to continue her speech. He tilted an eyebrow and glanced at his feet. “Well, that makes one of us.” He whispered, a small smile creeping and leaving just as fast. 

He raised his stare and watched her struggle with a question he knew, after all the rambling he had just done, would be raised. He just wanted her to ask it so he could give his well thought-out answer, the one he had been deciphering and constructing for months and months on end. He could feel the self-doubt coming from both of them floating in the air after her question. Jesse had one shot to finally say what he meant to say all these months, what he had been planning to say all along. 

"I figured out that…" He began, talking slowly and taking his time—despite knowing the waiting was killing them both. "You are… You are exactly everything I want." 

[emmmajeanstone]

Emma let go of a breath she didn't realize she was holding when he told her she was everything he wanted. "Oh my God. That pause was not fair." She accused, letting out a small chuckle, quickly turning to emotion as she felt herself fight off tears again. Only this time, for a completely different reason. After a minute to herself, she shook her head and looked up at him, covering palming her forehead as she did so.

She took a minute to take it in. To take him in. His slightly awkward body language. His ocean-like eyes that could quite easily drown her and she wouldn't mind one second. Everything that she grew so used to. Every detail she adored more than anyone had loved anything. "I want you too." She managed to get out in a whisper, barely audible through the lump in her throat.

In her mind, that's all she needed to know. That he didn't stop loving her. That he still does. That's all that really mattered. Closing her eyes slowly, she inhaled and exhaled loud before taking a few steps forward and wrapping her arms around the boy she missed like a heartbeat, taking in his scent and aura. His arms wrapping around her like nobody had ever held her before. 

Emma planted slow kisses on his neck where her head lay as she held him as close to her as she possibly could. "Please don't leave again. It almost killed me." She whispered before looking at him with his head in her hands. "I love you. I love you." She repeated over and over keeping her forehead against his. "Can- I mean, do you want to stay here? If you want to of course. I just- I don't know. All your stuff is here, and I haven't slept properly since you left."

[emmmajeanstone]

Near Wild Heaven || Eisenstone

[jesse-notlexluthor]

"It’s…" He began to say but couldn’t finish his sentence. Of course it wasn’t fine or okay, nothing about this situation he had put them in was fine or okay, and neither were them—entirely. So he just bit his lip as he took his seat, ready for whatever had to come. He knew that this was the time he had so longingly awaited to make things right again, his second chance. 

It was tough to be put in this position of having to hear her out and then be the one to decide what happens after. But he had erased himself from her life or at least had tried—now that he was back he couldn’t pretend to have the say in everything that happened between them. So Jesse just nodded, letting her know that he was there to listen, even if her words hurt him. 

Once she was done, the curly haired guy remained silent for a few minutes, assimilating and going through every word she had said. She understood her pain, that it was hard for her to believe him. He knew a conversation in a crowded cafe wasn’t going to put and end to their suffering. He just didn’t have an excuse or a valid reason for what he did. “You can do whatever you want with them.” He suddenly replied. “Keep them or toss them away, it’s all the same to me right now. It’s not what I’m here for.” He said, looking at his tangled hand before making eye contact with her. Seeing her so empty and broken teared holes in him. 

"I know I can’t excuse myself for what I did. I’d be a fucking idiot to even try… but please, please believe me when I say you’re the reason why I left." He had to stand up and pace around, to pick up the pieces of his mind and put them in a seemingly togetherness so that she could understand him. "I was scared at first, yes. Because I never thought something like this, the possibility of me becoming a father, would ever happen. In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not exactly parenting material. But I never felt more disappointed than when we found out you weren’t… that I wasn’t going to be…" He hated the knot in his throat and his racing mind cutting off his speech, making it ten times harder for him to say exactly what he meant. "I’m a completely and utter fuck up. I knew it back them and I know it now. I knew that I could’ve never been the person you needed me to be, that our future baby—whenever that happened again—needed me to be. I freaked out and reacted impulsively, it’s one of the first times I’ve ever done that. I went to rehab because I knew that I couldn’t keep this act, this neurotic but coherent person, together for much longer." He said. "I don’t know what you saw in me but trust me, you would’ve hated me even more if I had stayed the way I was. And I know we agreed it was just a break, just some time to give ourselves, to think and figure out who were were and what we wanted… But I guess I had to lose you and everything that I loved for me to finally realize what I want." He finished, unsure if anything he said in his rambling had made any sense. 

I love you, I love you, I love you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. His mind seemed to scream, his eyes, his body, his hands. 

[emmmajeanstone]

Whenever she said something to Jesse, or asked him something, she kind of already ran through what she wanted to hear from him. Her own expectations verses reality were a little different and it threw her. "I- I don't want to toss them." She said, almost guilty. I want you here with them. She wanted to say, but she couldn't find the courage to say what she felt. She was a little nervous to show she needed him, even though he's all she really needed anymore.

As he stood up and began pacing, she watched him closely, as if he was in school again and she should have been taking notes. Everything came out so fast, she only managed to really concentrate on the things that stuck her heart. Finally, she stood up, placing her hands on his upper arms to stop him moving, getting him to look in her eyes as she corrected him. "You are not a fuck up. You never have been, and I needed you regardless of the person you thought you were. I still do." She took a minute to plead with her eyes as she let him finish.

Finally letting go of him, she took a step back nodding. They briefly spoke about the meaning of the so-called break before he went to rehab, but it was better to get a clear understanding. "You need to understand that I love every single aspect of you. Every nervous, OCD, romantic, beautiful, messy side of you." She tilted her head slightly as her voice quietened down. "I'm glad you told me how you felt about the- The scare." She almost said baby. She wanted to say baby. It just wasn't real. Biting the inside of her cheek again, she somewhat closed her body tight. Crossing her leg around her other, folding her arms tight and raising her shoulders. She didn't want to ask, but it just came out.

He had to lose her to figure out what he wanted. She knew how that might have meant, and she knew how she felt it meant, and she sure as hell didn't want confirmation of it, but she couldn't stop it. "It's not me, is it? What you figured out you wanted. It- it's not me." Biting harder into her cheek to stop herself from tearing up again, she swayed side to side. Anything to stop the tears falling again. The last thing she wanted was to make him feel guilty.