Blindsided by Polyamory
So a family member or close friend has come out to you as polyamorous —and even worse they’re already married! Your concern is merited, because surely they are setting themselves up for heartbreak, unnecessary jealousy, and being known as a cheater or a manipulated victim of one. These two loved ones made a promise to love each other, how could they both possibly be okay with letting the other be with someone else too?Â
In a society were monogamous relationships are the “socially acceptable” norm, it makes sense that it’s hard to understand how polyamorous ones could possibly work (especially with an established couple you know). This short article is here to lay out some basic facts and bust some myths about polyamory, and hopefully put you in a better place of understanding, ease, and acceptance.
What exactly is polyamory anyway?
Polyamory literally means “many loves” —as in romantically loving more than one person simultaneously. For this type of relationship to be successful every person involved must be honest and keep open communication between each other to reach their own specific boundaries and rules where everyone is comfortable and happy.
It’s different from open relationships. Open relationships are relationships where casual experiences take place outside of the primary relationship(s). Polyamory often happens between 3 or more people, where there is one person with two primary partners, for instance, but between the three of them, that relationship is closed off to any potential other partners —thus making it a closed relationship.
Why can’t the two people just be happy with each other? Has the love in one or the other faded away?
Being poly is all about love. The belief that your heart has more room in it to be in love with more than one person at the same time. We can all certainly believe in all these “multi-love” scenarios:Â
A mother of four children has enough love for all of them.
A person platonically loving and caring for more than one close friend.
Even a monogamous person can fall in love with several people, those relationships just happen one at a time though.
Human beings have such a large capacity for love and caring for so many people in their lives simultaneously. Why can’t that be the case for romantic and intimate love as well? Person 1 can still be madly in love with Person 2 even if they met in fell in love with Person 3. Crudely put: their Person 2 is their peanut butter, Person 3 is their jelly, and having both of those people in their life fills their heart in perfectly.Â
But how can a person be fine with sharing their significant other? How are they not jealous?
It’s being absolutely sure of the love and bond you share with your partner (by of course, still receiving that love). It’s knowing it’s not a contest between you and their other partner. It’s knowing they have room in their heart for everyone. Many poly people feel compersion instead of jealousy. Compersion is like a happy empathy; feeling joy at seeing your partner happy.
But certainly poly folks can and do get jealous. They are only human after all. Jealousy gets dealt with just like if it were happening in a monogamous relationship: talking out your issues with your partner.Â
At the root of it, isn’t this just “allowed cheating”?
The short answer is “no”, and probably the hardest thing for monogamous people to understand. Let’s break it down. Polyamorous relationships are also known as “consensual non-monogamy.” The key word there being consensual. Everyone involved in the poly relationship is in the know and approves and follows the rules of their relationship. Cheating is never consensual. Cheating is called “cheating” because when someone cheats, they lie, they betray the trust of their partner, and they misrepresent their level of commitment. If you asked most people who’ve been cheated on which hurt worse, their partner having sex with someone else or the betrayal, almost everyone would say it was the betrayal. People in polyamorous relationships have made this distinction and realize that sex is a perfectly natural, healthy part of life that should be embraced —betrayal isn’t.
What to take away.
Hopefully you’ll walk away from this with a bit more understanding. Yes, monogamous relationships are the norm, but just because polyamorous relationships aren’t traditional, doesn’t mean they’re bad. Polyamory is about love. Your family member or friend came out to you because they love, trust, and care for you. They don’t want to be thought of as a slut or a cheat or a victim. And honestly, they are none of those things. They and their partner(s) have found what makes them happiest, so please try your best to be happy for them.