emotionaljosh @emotionaljosh - Tumblr Blog

My Bumble date for tonight hasn’t responded to me for two days, so this isn’t happening.

In North Carolina I knew many amazing, cool women- they just didn’t want to date me. Here in Michigan, I don’t know any cool women. Blah

Oh, there's one other roommate. Say hello to Houdini everybody!

My Return pt. 3

So I’ll just fast forward to the end. My uncle hired me to do a bunch of administrative work for his growing chain of bike shops. (The same company I worked for when I was in high school and when I got out of college.)

I’m also living with him and my aunt in their large suburban house in West Bloomfield, Michigan. Their two kids have graduated college and have since moved out.

It’s a less weird living situation that you might expect. I can’t beat the rent. Ideally I’d like to save up enough for a substantial down payment on a house in an inner-ring suburb of Detroit, or perhaps in Detroit proper- depending on the neighborhood.

My Return pt. 2

I had been living in North Carolina, working for the same company since 2005.

As the whole thing was coming to an end I found myself drinking more. I started buying whiskey when out, and at home. I started calling in sick to work. Nobody cared. I had earned over 40 days of sick days, so fuck it. I’d get too drunk once a week and call into sick at work.

As my company slowed down, I was doing less and less when I was at work. There were days when my whole department would answer 5 phone calls during the 11 hours we were open.

I had a job lined up if everything in NC collapsed, but I didn’t want to take it. I kept looking for a new job. I rewrote my resume. I applied for jobs. I wrote cover letters for each job that I applied to.

My Return pt. 1

It’s been several years since I’ve logged onto here, let alone posted anything- but I’ve needed some outlet for what’s been going on in my life recently.

When I stopped posted regularly I had been promoted to a much higher paying job, I was in a better living situation, I had a stable group of friends, there were women I was talking to., I was even writing questions and hosting a trivia at a bar in Carrboro- but most importantly I wasn’t hurting so bad.

Starting in September of last year my life has gone to shit. Well, not to shit, but there have been big changes. My parents’ health has deteriorated quickly. My mom fell and ended up needing four surgeries on her neck that have left her handicapped and effectively paraplegic. My dad couldn’t let her have all the shine, so he now can’t walk more than 3 or 4 feet. We had to move them into an assisted living facility. They aren’t getting any better and I’m not ready for what happens next to them.

After years and years of being run by incompetent, lazy, southerners my employer found itself in bankruptcy in late September. Various parts of the company were in limbo for over 4 months until the company ended up in court, in an auction, and most of the thing shut down. I knew most of our retail stores would close, but as long as we had our websites I assumed my department would be fairly safe. Well, come early February I got laid off.

After a brief period of trying to find another job in North Carolina, I came to find there simply weren’t any safe, stable, local, jobs looking to hire me, with my undefinable skills, at a wage near what I was making.

Part of me thinks that I deserve to feel miserable right now.

That’s not productive at all. I have to enjoy things.

Should I feel bad?

I kinda feel bad. Not as bad as I did when she announced they were moving in together. Shit, that was two years ago.

I was telling myself that I could probably handle this news just a few days ago. I knew it was coming. I’m glad she’s happy.

I haven’t posted in a long time.

Jamie got engaged today.

0/3 today. I got paid and have no bills due. I asked three different women if they wanted to get dinner with me. I ended up eating leftover at home. That’s a downer

Paula Abdul - Cold Hearted (1989)

In fifth grade this was the hottest thing I had ever seen

I remember jokingly wishing that one day all beautiful would have digital cameras and Internet connections. What a glorious time we live in.

I remember three years ago if I went out, talked to people, had fun, and didn’t go home to cry I counted that as a huge success. Those were dark times.

The Zoloft made me complacent. Taking a sober look at my life when I was finally off of it was a bad and scary sight.

I was angry. I was angry at: - my weight - my job - how single I was - how I had let my great fear of rejection control me - how unfair I had it

All of this led to me having a very shitty attitude and personality.

Eventually, three years ago, under the circumstances of having a totally broken heart, I was humbled. Broken to my utter core I started to rebuild me.

Today I am improved. Despite what else happened in the world, I had a great 2016. I got a huge promotion and raise that I’m handling well. I’m more social. I have more, and better friends. I spent more time with women last year than the other years before that combined.

Those were huge steps. I know I’m capable of more. This year’s goal, besides not regressing on any previous gains, is to lose weight. I’m going to have an easier time with women if I don’t have this beer belly in front of me.

I’ll do it. Only I can stop me.

Despite what I've felt these past few weeks, I'm not convinced I'm actually depressed. I've had suicidal thoughts my while life. I was clinically diagnosed with depression at 14 and was prescribed Zoloft. I more or less stayed on Zoloft until I was 33. (That reminds me that I should write about my experiences getting off of that drug.) I'm lonely. I've always been lonely. I want love. I've wanted love more than anything else ever since I was 10. During my depressive episodes I become obsessed with it. I don't get any and I just hunker down in self pity looking for sympathy.

Sometimes you try to run from your depression, and just find it somewhere else. Happy New Year from Atlantic Beach, NC

The Light

At some point in my worst depression I was reflecting on the numerous times in my life that I’d been disappointed by outcomes. Then I found a silver lining. Just going back to when I graduated college, if everything had worked out the way I had initially wanted to, I’d be a dickhead.

I’d have a BMW, either be a lawyer or an IT bro. I’d be a douchebag, living somewhere in Oakland County, Michigan.

My prior setbacks have made me who I am- that is, a better person.

My current setbacks will make me a better person yet.

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