Poolside Ramblings From a Woman Who Should Probably Stop Recording Videos While High
The universe handed me an unexpected couple of days off this week.
I got sick and, because I nanny for a living, staying home was the obvious choice. Nobody wants the lady in charge of tiny humans showing up with a sore throat and body aches. The family was incredibly kind about it, but I still felt guilty. Even when you’re legitimately sick, there’s always that little voice asking if you should be doing more.
Yesterday was my first official adventure with the car seat setup, and honestly, it went great.
I met up with another nanny and the little girl she watches at one of the most wonderfully shaded parks I’ve ever been to. A friend showed it to me ages ago, and I’d forgotten how nice it is. The kids had a blast, we got to chat, and afterward we stopped at Chick-fil-A. The two-year-old’s mom is okay with Chick-fil-A, so we shared grilled nuggets, kale salad, and fruit. Normally I would have ordered fries, but I was feeling surprisingly responsible. However, I did eat like trash for the rest of the night.
Today I’m house-sitting for a family I’ve worked with many times before. They have a pool, a hot tub, dogs, and a beautiful screened-in patio. It’s basically a tiny vacation.
Which brings me to my current problem.
For reasons I cannot fully explain, sitting alone on a screened patio while smoking a joint transforms me into the strangest version of myself.
I had this brilliant idea that maybe I’d make a video. Not because I necessarily want to be an influencer, but because sometimes I feel this deep desire to be seen. Not literally seen. Emotionally seen. Witnessed. Understood.
Of course, the moment I tried recording, I became painfully aware of myself.
I did four takes.
Four.
I couldn’t get through a single one.
My thoughts were bouncing around like a pinball machine. I’d start one story, forget where I was going, jump to another story, remember the first story halfway through the second story, and somehow end up discussing something completely unrelated.
Eventually I gave up.
Maybe I’m not meant to be a content creator.
Or maybe my brain just has approximately 147 tabs open at all times.
I’ve also noticed I’ve slipped back into doomscrolling lately. I’m annoyed about it, but I’m trying not to turn it into a moral failing. Sometimes life gets busy, emotions get weird, hormones get involved, and suddenly you’re staring at videos of strangers organizing their refrigerators at midnight.
Speaking of hormones, I’m pretty sure being in my luteal phase explains at least some of the emotional chaos.
Everything feels louder during this phase.
The need for connection feels louder.
The loneliness feels louder.
The desire to be understood feels louder.
Maybe that’s why I wanted to make the video in the first place.
Maybe I wanted someone to say, “Yeah, me too.”
Later today I’m meeting up with a friend I haven’t seen in forever. We used to work together, and oddly enough, we’re much better friends than we ever were coworkers. When we worked together, I got my feelings hurt constantly. As friends, she’s one of my favorite people.
She’s probably bringing her boyfriend, which I’m perfectly happy about because he’s hilarious and always adds to the conversation.
That did get me thinking about something I’ve been wrestling with lately, though.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed bringing my husband around certain friends.
Typing that makes me cringe because I love him deeply.
So what is that?
Am I actually embarrassed of him?
Or am I embarrassed of how other people might perceive him?
And if people judge him, do I secretly worry they’re judging me too?
I don’t have an answer.
I just know it’s something I’ve been trying to untangle.
Marriage is strange sometimes. You can love someone completely while still trying to understand your own reactions to them.
Anyway.
In about an hour and a half I have a scalp evaluation appointment, which feels delightfully ridiculous and luxurious. Then later I’ll get to catch up with my friend and hear all the life updates I’ve missed.
Not a bad day, honestly.
For someone who spent four failed takes trying to make a video, I suppose writing all this down worked out better anyway.

















