Emotionally Unwell BLU Medic

Fritz Ludwig from Emesis Blue's continuity of TF2 lore. Post-film, following an alternate ending. All warnings in place for Emesis Blue are relevant here.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

#emotionallyunwellmedic - Ask responses and original solo posts

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Fritz Ludwig wrung the telephone cord around his finger as he held the receiver to his ear and took slow breaths. His eyes danced over the numbers on the dial. He didn't know much of the world since he'd been away.

If he called the office, would Jane still be there to pick up? Would he be calling a dead man, or no one at all? Did the office lie empty or did a new business fill the space, painting over the past with a shiny new coat?

He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him, then pressed on the ten different numbers which would direct him to the office landline.

It rang.

@emotionallyunwellmedic

It rang exactly twice.

The first sounds the doctor would hear would be the rattle of the receiver, the creak of springs taking on a sudden heavy weight, and a pronounced 'oof'!!

When he finally heard a voice, it was panting, but above that, extremely hopeful.

"Hello?"

Jane Doe tried his best to adjust himself from the haphazard position he'd landed on the couch. He dearly hoped the caller was who he thought it was.

If not he was going to feel pretty silly.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Instant relief.

"Hallo! Jane!" The Medic's teeth were gritted in a tight grin, restraining his excitement as he struggled to find something to say. "We--we have, ah, about thirty minutes, ja?"

He took another breath to steady his pulse, his voice, releasing the phone cord from his grip. "How are you? Were you on a walk?"

Already there was a sense of deja vu, being on the phone with his better half again. Granted, they were not divided by time and instead only distance, but playing the guesswork of what was happening on the other end of the line was an experience Fritz didn't miss.

A part of him, too--tucked far away--could still be heard wondering if the Soldier's voice was a playback, either.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"No, it's raining. I was about to make myself some lunch but I can wait half an hour."

Jane gave a scowl out the window as he righted himself. Still, even the downpour couldn't spoil his mood. Not when Fritz's voice was trickling through the phone. It was the sweetest sound. Him. Hymn.

"I heard the phone across the room and I answered it fast as I could."

Jane paused, fingers kneading idly at the phone cord, the twisting length of wire weaving in and out of calloused fingers. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, his wrists, his throat. He wondered if Fritz could hear it on the other end.

"How are you doing over there? Are they treating you good?"

It wasn't jail, but Jane could only imagine things were super regimented. For the residents' own good, of course. Like the military, but you weren't fighting people- in a way, you were fighting yourself. Least, that's how Jane pictured it.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz straightened up in his seat, scooting it forward a bit and sending a short scraping noise across the otherwise quiet room. "Well..."

He looked about the plain walls. It wasn't home by any means. "It's--it's quite funny, really, being a doctor treated by doctors. Although I don't think they take my profession seriously in this case!" He followed it with a little laugh, playing lighthearted.

"Yes, the staff are doing their jobs." That was the best way to phrase it. Not cruel, but not warm. "I'm kept to a firm schedule. I think I do enjoy this, although the 'blocks' could be adjusted, I think. And I am always around people. I think this is the first time I've been around others so much since--ah--the team."

His gaze tracked to the left, pondering. "My quarters are shared, but I keep my portion neat. Many young people here, but a few older than me..."

He dwindled off. "What will you have for lunch?" He had a thought he decided to speak aloud, encouraging. "It's good that you're cooking!"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"Soup."

Jane couldn't help but wince inwardly. That didn't sound good. He didn't want Fritz to think he wasn't taking care of himself. Maybe he could be doing better, but it wasn't that bad! He just didn't gave much of an appetite. Still...

"A sandwich maybe. Probably some leftovers I can use up. ... Ah, dammit, we don't have much time and I'm talking about sandwiches."

He laughed a little, rough. Unsteady. Like someone who's forgotten how and was re-learning.

"I.. I miss you so much. I wish I could visit. But I know why I can't."

It would be worth it in the end. The long quiet broken only, blessedly, by dove coos. The empty rooms. The dark corners that grew darker at night to swallow him whole. The spot beside him. His untouched skin and unkissed mouth. The goddamn rain.

It was worth bearing it up for Fritz to be better. So he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Anything was worth that.

"Oh, hey. Someone wants to say hi real quick."

Breaking up the awkward longing hanging in the air, Jane whistled softly.

"Pati! Come here, sweet thing."

A shuffling, a soft rustling of feathers and a couple taps- the pecking of a curious beak.

"Cooo~"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz didn't mean to let the silence hold as long as it did while he searched for what to say, but the soft murmurs of the bird on the other end of the wire sent his spirits on the wing. He set his worries aside for the moment.

"Oh, Hypatia, my darling! Es ist dein Vati! Meine süße kleine Dame," He cooed right back. "Vati is here. Does she know? Has she been behaving?"

Impulsively, he scratched at the receiver, as if his and Jane's dove could somehow feel it.

"Does she know I miss her?" A chance to turn the conversation again. "And... I do miss you too, Jane. Terribly."

Fritz worked his tongue over his teeth, chest tight and brow twisted sadly.

"I would love a soup and a sandwich with you again. That sounds very good. I think—there are many rules for visiting—I don't think they would let you bring food for me."

He could hear a little beak tapping at the other end again.

"Or bring Hypatia, which is a shame. She would certainly make things more exciting."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"She's been a good bird. She looks for you sometimes, but I think I did a good job explaining things. I said, 'Pati, your Vati's gonna be away for a while. It's gonna be tough on him, and me, and you, but when he gets back he'll be so much happier and healthier, and it's going to be more than worth it. So in the meantime...'" Jane paused. These words. It was true, but saying them always made his heart bleed a little- he couldn't help remember saying them to someone else once upon a time. "...'in the meantime, we'll take care of each other.' And she's a smart girl, I think she knew what I meant. Still, it's too bad they wouldn't. I can just see her flying around, making up to everybody, begging for seeds. She's a damn glutton sometimes. I keep telling her if I give her all the treats she wants out of me, you're going to come back to a round white ball of feathers." This was followed by a rather indignant sounding coo, as if Hypatia resented even the mere suggestion of the possibility she could ever get fat. Jane chuckled, gently skritching the back of her neck with a broad finger. "Do... you know how much longer it'll be? Not that I'm rushing you, please don't think that. I know it'll take as long as it takes. I just... yeah. I could find a birdsitter for Pati if I had to and come visit, I'd really like to, but... y'know." He's not sure how long they'd be allowed to see each other. If that length of time would ease the longing inside them both or whet it like striking a knife to a sharpening stone.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

So charmed was the Medic by the Soldier's regaling that the phone cord found its way around his finger again and brought a soft curl to his cheek. A sharp, surprised laugh burst out of him at "round, white ball of feathers."

And then it dwindled, just a little bit. How much longer?

It had been some time, already. Fritz had passed through the controlled withdrawal phase, gone to several meetings both in groups and alone, and found routine.

As it were, he realized a stable routine was something he desperately needed. The predictability. The confidence nothing could go wrong.

That was the hard part, too, was knowing this wouldn't be how the world outside worked. There were plenty of things that could go wrong, to prick at his lungs with terror and dredge up that old hunger from the pit of his stomach.

Something else he desperately needed, though, was Jane.

"I... I don't know." He winced. "I have to think about... What I should do when I get back. I need new work. I can't—can't keep sitting in that office." He clutched himself a little, jaw tight. Especially not after that Halloween night.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"We don't have to. I told you before. I want to go away with you. Anywhere. You're... you're brilliant, Fritz. The best damn doctor I've ever known. You could work at any hospital in the world, or open a little clinic of your own, or... even do something else with those smarts of yours. And as for me... heh. The upside to being a nobody is that people don't ask a lot of questions. I can do anything where somebody needs some muscle. I got by that way before."

Jane bit his lip, fingers winding around the phone cord. Hypatia took wing slightly, fluttering up to perch on the cloned soldier's shoulder.

"It doesn't matter what I do. If I can be by your side and see you smile, that's all I need. I mean it."

Perhaps that was a naive way of thinking. He had his own end of things to keep up, after all. Once he found the right person. He didn't rely on an overabundance of medication to keep going, but that didn't at all mean he didn't have his own mountain of issues. Identity. Guilt. Grief that never went away. And that was just for starters.

He's working so hard. And what have you done? What makes you think you won't just be a millstone hanging around his neck?

"I... I'll follow you wherever you go. Me and Hypatia. I promise."

Twice he'd promised Fritz he'd wait, and twice... well, once and once in progress... he'd kept his word. Promises, after all, meant everything to Jane.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz ran his tongue over his teeth, chest tight. His voice came softly. "I... I know. I know, Jane. I know you'd do just fine--that we could do well."

He took a deep breath, squeezing out an uneasy groan in an effort to relieve the tension. "The... The problem is... Now because of me being here, this is on my record. Even if rehabilitated--a doctor in addiction to his own supply is too--too risky to trust."

He curled his nose, feeling his face get warm. "Ach--this is why the doctors here don't take me seriously! And any place who would hire me would still be just as dangerous as before."

Fritz had to admit, he, too, had his concerns about returning to the medical field. Part of why it was so easy for him to spiral downhill in the first place was because his standing gave him easier access to those resources--to the diazepam. What if he emerged from rehabilitation, only to ruin everything for not just himself again, but Jane now, too?

He's sacrificed so much for you. You can't let him down like that.

Something hot slipped down his cheek. "I don't think I can practice medicine anymore."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Fritz Ludwig wrung the telephone cord around his finger as he held the receiver to his ear and took slow breaths. His eyes danced over the numbers on the dial. He didn't know much of the world since he'd been away.

If he called the office, would Jane still be there to pick up? Would he be calling a dead man, or no one at all? Did the office lie empty or did a new business fill the space, painting over the past with a shiny new coat?

He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him, then pressed on the ten different numbers which would direct him to the office landline.

It rang.

@emotionallyunwellmedic

It rang exactly twice.

The first sounds the doctor would hear would be the rattle of the receiver, the creak of springs taking on a sudden heavy weight, and a pronounced 'oof'!!

When he finally heard a voice, it was panting, but above that, extremely hopeful.

"Hello?"

Jane Doe tried his best to adjust himself from the haphazard position he'd landed on the couch. He dearly hoped the caller was who he thought it was.

If not he was going to feel pretty silly.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Instant relief.

"Hallo! Jane!" The Medic's teeth were gritted in a tight grin, restraining his excitement as he struggled to find something to say. "We--we have, ah, about thirty minutes, ja?"

He took another breath to steady his pulse, his voice, releasing the phone cord from his grip. "How are you? Were you on a walk?"

Already there was a sense of deja vu, being on the phone with his better half again. Granted, they were not divided by time and instead only distance, but playing the guesswork of what was happening on the other end of the line was an experience Fritz didn't miss.

A part of him, too--tucked far away--could still be heard wondering if the Soldier's voice was a playback, either.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"No, it's raining. I was about to make myself some lunch but I can wait half an hour."

Jane gave a scowl out the window as he righted himself. Still, even the downpour couldn't spoil his mood. Not when Fritz's voice was trickling through the phone. It was the sweetest sound. Him. Hymn.

"I heard the phone across the room and I answered it fast as I could."

Jane paused, fingers kneading idly at the phone cord, the twisting length of wire weaving in and out of calloused fingers. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, his wrists, his throat. He wondered if Fritz could hear it on the other end.

"How are you doing over there? Are they treating you good?"

It wasn't jail, but Jane could only imagine things were super regimented. For the residents' own good, of course. Like the military, but you weren't fighting people- in a way, you were fighting yourself. Least, that's how Jane pictured it.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz straightened up in his seat, scooting it forward a bit and sending a short scraping noise across the otherwise quiet room. "Well..."

He looked about the plain walls. It wasn't home by any means. "It's--it's quite funny, really, being a doctor treated by doctors. Although I don't think they take my profession seriously in this case!" He followed it with a little laugh, playing lighthearted.

"Yes, the staff are doing their jobs." That was the best way to phrase it. Not cruel, but not warm. "I'm kept to a firm schedule. I think I do enjoy this, although the 'blocks' could be adjusted, I think. And I am always around people. I think this is the first time I've been around others so much since--ah--the team."

His gaze tracked to the left, pondering. "My quarters are shared, but I keep my portion neat. Many young people here, but a few older than me..."

He dwindled off. "What will you have for lunch?" He had a thought he decided to speak aloud, encouraging. "It's good that you're cooking!"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"Soup."

Jane couldn't help but wince inwardly. That didn't sound good. He didn't want Fritz to think he wasn't taking care of himself. Maybe he could be doing better, but it wasn't that bad! He just didn't gave much of an appetite. Still...

"A sandwich maybe. Probably some leftovers I can use up. ... Ah, dammit, we don't have much time and I'm talking about sandwiches."

He laughed a little, rough. Unsteady. Like someone who's forgotten how and was re-learning.

"I.. I miss you so much. I wish I could visit. But I know why I can't."

It would be worth it in the end. The long quiet broken only, blessedly, by dove coos. The empty rooms. The dark corners that grew darker at night to swallow him whole. The spot beside him. His untouched skin and unkissed mouth. The goddamn rain.

It was worth bearing it up for Fritz to be better. So he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Anything was worth that.

"Oh, hey. Someone wants to say hi real quick."

Breaking up the awkward longing hanging in the air, Jane whistled softly.

"Pati! Come here, sweet thing."

A shuffling, a soft rustling of feathers and a couple taps- the pecking of a curious beak.

"Cooo~"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz didn't mean to let the silence hold as long as it did while he searched for what to say, but the soft murmurs of the bird on the other end of the wire sent his spirits on the wing. He set his worries aside for the moment.

"Oh, Hypatia, my darling! Es ist dein Vati! Meine süße kleine Dame," He cooed right back. "Vati is here. Does she know? Has she been behaving?"

Impulsively, he scratched at the receiver, as if his and Jane's dove could somehow feel it.

"Does she know I miss her?" A chance to turn the conversation again. "And... I do miss you too, Jane. Terribly."

Fritz worked his tongue over his teeth, chest tight and brow twisted sadly.

"I would love a soup and a sandwich with you again. That sounds very good. I think—there are many rules for visiting—I don't think they would let you bring food for me."

He could hear a little beak tapping at the other end again.

"Or bring Hypatia, which is a shame. She would certainly make things more exciting."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"She's been a good bird. She looks for you sometimes, but I think I did a good job explaining things. I said, 'Pati, your Vati's gonna be away for a while. It's gonna be tough on him, and me, and you, but when he gets back he'll be so much happier and healthier, and it's going to be more than worth it. So in the meantime...'" Jane paused. These words. It was true, but saying them always made his heart bleed a little- he couldn't help remember saying them to someone else once upon a time. "...'in the meantime, we'll take care of each other.' And she's a smart girl, I think she knew what I meant. Still, it's too bad they wouldn't. I can just see her flying around, making up to everybody, begging for seeds. She's a damn glutton sometimes. I keep telling her if I give her all the treats she wants out of me, you're going to come back to a round white ball of feathers." This was followed by a rather indignant sounding coo, as if Hypatia resented even the mere suggestion of the possibility she could ever get fat. Jane chuckled, gently skritching the back of her neck with a broad finger. "Do... you know how much longer it'll be? Not that I'm rushing you, please don't think that. I know it'll take as long as it takes. I just... yeah. I could find a birdsitter for Pati if I had to and come visit, I'd really like to, but... y'know." He's not sure how long they'd be allowed to see each other. If that length of time would ease the longing inside them both or whet it like striking a knife to a sharpening stone.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

So charmed was the Medic by the Soldier's regaling that the phone cord found its way around his finger again and brought a soft curl to his cheek. A sharp, surprised laugh burst out of him at "round, white ball of feathers."

And then it dwindled, just a little bit. How much longer?

It had been some time, already. Fritz had passed through the controlled withdrawal phase, gone to several meetings both in groups and alone, and found routine.

As it were, he realized a stable routine was something he desperately needed. The predictability. The confidence nothing could go wrong.

That was the hard part, too, was knowing this wouldn't be how the world outside worked. There were plenty of things that could go wrong, to prick at his lungs with terror and dredge up that old hunger from the pit of his stomach.

Something else he desperately needed, though, was Jane.

"I... I don't know." He winced. "I have to think about... What I should do when I get back. I need new work. I can't—can't keep sitting in that office." He clutched himself a little, jaw tight. Especially not after that Halloween night.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Fritz Ludwig wrung the telephone cord around his finger as he held the receiver to his ear and took slow breaths. His eyes danced over the numbers on the dial. He didn't know much of the world since he'd been away.

If he called the office, would Jane still be there to pick up? Would he be calling a dead man, or no one at all? Did the office lie empty or did a new business fill the space, painting over the past with a shiny new coat?

He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him, then pressed on the ten different numbers which would direct him to the office landline.

It rang.

@emotionallyunwellmedic

It rang exactly twice.

The first sounds the doctor would hear would be the rattle of the receiver, the creak of springs taking on a sudden heavy weight, and a pronounced 'oof'!!

When he finally heard a voice, it was panting, but above that, extremely hopeful.

"Hello?"

Jane Doe tried his best to adjust himself from the haphazard position he'd landed on the couch. He dearly hoped the caller was who he thought it was.

If not he was going to feel pretty silly.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Instant relief.

"Hallo! Jane!" The Medic's teeth were gritted in a tight grin, restraining his excitement as he struggled to find something to say. "We--we have, ah, about thirty minutes, ja?"

He took another breath to steady his pulse, his voice, releasing the phone cord from his grip. "How are you? Were you on a walk?"

Already there was a sense of deja vu, being on the phone with his better half again. Granted, they were not divided by time and instead only distance, but playing the guesswork of what was happening on the other end of the line was an experience Fritz didn't miss.

A part of him, too--tucked far away--could still be heard wondering if the Soldier's voice was a playback, either.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"No, it's raining. I was about to make myself some lunch but I can wait half an hour."

Jane gave a scowl out the window as he righted himself. Still, even the downpour couldn't spoil his mood. Not when Fritz's voice was trickling through the phone. It was the sweetest sound. Him. Hymn.

"I heard the phone across the room and I answered it fast as I could."

Jane paused, fingers kneading idly at the phone cord, the twisting length of wire weaving in and out of calloused fingers. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, his wrists, his throat. He wondered if Fritz could hear it on the other end.

"How are you doing over there? Are they treating you good?"

It wasn't jail, but Jane could only imagine things were super regimented. For the residents' own good, of course. Like the military, but you weren't fighting people- in a way, you were fighting yourself. Least, that's how Jane pictured it.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz straightened up in his seat, scooting it forward a bit and sending a short scraping noise across the otherwise quiet room. "Well..."

He looked about the plain walls. It wasn't home by any means. "It's--it's quite funny, really, being a doctor treated by doctors. Although I don't think they take my profession seriously in this case!" He followed it with a little laugh, playing lighthearted.

"Yes, the staff are doing their jobs." That was the best way to phrase it. Not cruel, but not warm. "I'm kept to a firm schedule. I think I do enjoy this, although the 'blocks' could be adjusted, I think. And I am always around people. I think this is the first time I've been around others so much since--ah--the team."

His gaze tracked to the left, pondering. "My quarters are shared, but I keep my portion neat. Many young people here, but a few older than me..."

He dwindled off. "What will you have for lunch?" He had a thought he decided to speak aloud, encouraging. "It's good that you're cooking!"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"Soup."

Jane couldn't help but wince inwardly. That didn't sound good. He didn't want Fritz to think he wasn't taking care of himself. Maybe he could be doing better, but it wasn't that bad! He just didn't gave much of an appetite. Still...

"A sandwich maybe. Probably some leftovers I can use up. ... Ah, dammit, we don't have much time and I'm talking about sandwiches."

He laughed a little, rough. Unsteady. Like someone who's forgotten how and was re-learning.

"I.. I miss you so much. I wish I could visit. But I know why I can't."

It would be worth it in the end. The long quiet broken only, blessedly, by dove coos. The empty rooms. The dark corners that grew darker at night to swallow him whole. The spot beside him. His untouched skin and unkissed mouth. The goddamn rain.

It was worth bearing it up for Fritz to be better. So he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Anything was worth that.

"Oh, hey. Someone wants to say hi real quick."

Breaking up the awkward longing hanging in the air, Jane whistled softly.

"Pati! Come here, sweet thing."

A shuffling, a soft rustling of feathers and a couple taps- the pecking of a curious beak.

"Cooo~"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz didn't mean to let the silence hold as long as it did while he searched for what to say, but the soft murmurs of the bird on the other end of the wire sent his spirits on the wing. He set his worries aside for the moment.

"Oh, Hypatia, my darling! Es ist dein Vati! Meine süße kleine Dame," He cooed right back. "Vati is here. Does she know? Has she been behaving?"

Impulsively, he scratched at the receiver, as if his and Jane's dove could somehow feel it.

"Does she know I miss her?" A chance to turn the conversation again. "And... I do miss you too, Jane. Terribly."

Fritz worked his tongue over his teeth, chest tight and brow twisted sadly.

"I would love a soup and a sandwich with you again. That sounds very good. I think—there are many rules for visiting—I don't think they would let you bring food for me."

He could hear a little beak tapping at the other end again.

"Or bring Hypatia, which is a shame. She would certainly make things more exciting."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Fritz Ludwig wrung the telephone cord around his finger as he held the receiver to his ear and took slow breaths. His eyes danced over the numbers on the dial. He didn't know much of the world since he'd been away.

If he called the office, would Jane still be there to pick up? Would he be calling a dead man, or no one at all? Did the office lie empty or did a new business fill the space, painting over the past with a shiny new coat?

He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him, then pressed on the ten different numbers which would direct him to the office landline.

It rang.

@emotionallyunwellmedic

It rang exactly twice.

The first sounds the doctor would hear would be the rattle of the receiver, the creak of springs taking on a sudden heavy weight, and a pronounced 'oof'!!

When he finally heard a voice, it was panting, but above that, extremely hopeful.

"Hello?"

Jane Doe tried his best to adjust himself from the haphazard position he'd landed on the couch. He dearly hoped the caller was who he thought it was.

If not he was going to feel pretty silly.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Instant relief.

"Hallo! Jane!" The Medic's teeth were gritted in a tight grin, restraining his excitement as he struggled to find something to say. "We--we have, ah, about thirty minutes, ja?"

He took another breath to steady his pulse, his voice, releasing the phone cord from his grip. "How are you? Were you on a walk?"

Already there was a sense of deja vu, being on the phone with his better half again. Granted, they were not divided by time and instead only distance, but playing the guesswork of what was happening on the other end of the line was an experience Fritz didn't miss.

A part of him, too--tucked far away--could still be heard wondering if the Soldier's voice was a playback, either.

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"No, it's raining. I was about to make myself some lunch but I can wait half an hour."

Jane gave a scowl out the window as he righted himself. Still, even the downpour couldn't spoil his mood. Not when Fritz's voice was trickling through the phone. It was the sweetest sound. Him. Hymn.

"I heard the phone across the room and I answered it fast as I could."

Jane paused, fingers kneading idly at the phone cord, the twisting length of wire weaving in and out of calloused fingers. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, his wrists, his throat. He wondered if Fritz could hear it on the other end.

"How are you doing over there? Are they treating you good?"

It wasn't jail, but Jane could only imagine things were super regimented. For the residents' own good, of course. Like the military, but you weren't fighting people- in a way, you were fighting yourself. Least, that's how Jane pictured it.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz straightened up in his seat, scooting it forward a bit and sending a short scraping noise across the otherwise quiet room. "Well..."

He looked about the plain walls. It wasn't home by any means. "It's--it's quite funny, really, being a doctor treated by doctors. Although I don't think they take my profession seriously in this case!" He followed it with a little laugh, playing lighthearted.

"Yes, the staff are doing their jobs." That was the best way to phrase it. Not cruel, but not warm. "I'm kept to a firm schedule. I think I do enjoy this, although the 'blocks' could be adjusted, I think. And I am always around people. I think this is the first time I've been around others so much since--ah--the team."

His gaze tracked to the left, pondering. "My quarters are shared, but I keep my portion neat. Many young people here, but a few older than me..."

He dwindled off. "What will you have for lunch?" He had a thought he decided to speak aloud, encouraging. "It's good that you're cooking!"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Fritz Ludwig wrung the telephone cord around his finger as he held the receiver to his ear and took slow breaths. His eyes danced over the numbers on the dial. He didn't know much of the world since he'd been away.

If he called the office, would Jane still be there to pick up? Would he be calling a dead man, or no one at all? Did the office lie empty or did a new business fill the space, painting over the past with a shiny new coat?

He glanced over his shoulder to the closed door behind him, then pressed on the ten different numbers which would direct him to the office landline.

It rang.

@emotionallyunwellmedic

It rang exactly twice.

The first sounds the doctor would hear would be the rattle of the receiver, the creak of springs taking on a sudden heavy weight, and a pronounced 'oof'!!

When he finally heard a voice, it was panting, but above that, extremely hopeful.

"Hello?"

Jane Doe tried his best to adjust himself from the haphazard position he'd landed on the couch. He dearly hoped the caller was who he thought it was.

If not he was going to feel pretty silly.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Instant relief.

"Hallo! Jane!" The Medic's teeth were gritted in a tight grin, restraining his excitement as he struggled to find something to say. "We--we have, ah, about thirty minutes, ja?"

He took another breath to steady his pulse, his voice, releasing the phone cord from his grip. "How are you? Were you on a walk?"

Already there was a sense of deja vu, being on the phone with his better half again. Granted, they were not divided by time and instead only distance, but playing the guesswork of what was happening on the other end of the line was an experience Fritz didn't miss.

A part of him, too--tucked far away--could still be heard wondering if the Soldier's voice was a playback, either.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) Talk to me, please. I can tell you're in pain and I'd be lying to both of us if I pretended not to know why.

Fritz. You've been there for me no matter how difficult I've been to deal with. I can't just stand by without even trying to help you when you're hurting this damn bad.

Tell me what you need from me. I'll do my damndest to give, to be, whatever you need. Like I always should have, from a long time ago.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

Fritz looked down for a moment, fiddling with his fingers before unclasping his hands, glancing to Hypatia, and steadily reaching for her, bringing her to his lap. She cooed eagerly as he gently itched the back of her head.

He could only hope the pummeling of his heart behind his chest wasn't obvious.

"Tch, Schatzi. We're past the worst of it now, aren't we?" The Medic's brows curled up miserably, letting a small sigh out from his nose. "Nothing will be the same again, but in some ways this is good, ja?"

"You have given me so much already. You always have. I don't—..."

I don't know what you're talking about. But Jane knew better than that.

Fritz swallowed slowly, meeting the steel of his lover's gaze.

"Jane... Have you ever been so hungry that—that it makes you sick?"

He paused, fighting the urge to look away.

"You come down with a nausea, and when the wave crashes over you your mouth is so wet with saliva, and you feel like you might spit up what little is there in your belly. And maybe you do spit—and spit, and spit again—but nothing comes out. Nothing at all."

He caught his breath for a moment, quickly wiping at an eye before continuing.

"But you can't eat, either. You eat too much too fast, that will make you sick, too. You are trying to save money, you are trying to save time, but if you don't eat you will stay hungry. It doesn't ever go away. It isn't just in your stomach, it's—it's in your blood, it's in your brain. And all of it, all the time, aches. And you don't know what to do to make it stop."

His voice trembled.

"Have you ever been so hungry?"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"...yeah actually. I have. Starving. But... not for food." He had a feeling that Fritz wasn't talking about food either. No, they both knew exactly what they were talking about at this point. Jane couldn't help it. He wasn't that oblivious anymore- technically, he never was- and it would just be too painful to pretend that he was. Metaphor made things a little easier, though. Talking about it without directly talking about it, for as long as they could. "Feels like dying but you never actually die. Other shoe never drops. You just get the sick suffering part and it stays like that. And once you find out what makes it stop you never want to feel that way again. It's what Hell must be like." But there was a difference here. What he'd been starving for and what Fritz was starving for now, in real time. Jane very much wanted to light a cigarette to take the edge off but he didn't. Given the nature of the conversation it wouldn't be right. "Is... that what you feel like?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

His face grew tight, drawing thin, long wrinkles over his skin. A million moments hung limply in the air between them.

"... Yes."

He looked back down to Hypatia, who paced in a small circle before settling in on his lap.

"Yes, I... All the time."

But even the cure he'd taken still made his stomach turn, mingling in a sulfurous stew with the guilt that came to marinate in his gut.

"One must imagine Sisyphus happy, but I'm not happy like this." He buried his face in his palms, drawing a shaky breath in. "G-tt, Jane, I'm not happy."

"I'm not happy with myself. With what I've done. To—to you, to myself, to—... And I'm not happy with what I haven't done, what I could have, but didn't."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Sighing softly- just a slight puff of exhaled air- Jane moved closer to Fritz. The two practically sitting shoulder to shoulder, the former Soldier didn't initiate any further contact, though he was obviously open to provide whatever Fritz wanted or needed from him. But what could he offer to sate that hunger, when nothing he'd tried yet had? Jane did smile at Hypatia, in spite of himself. The little dove was perfectly content, needing nothing but warmth, food, and affection. Jane could relate, in a way. "I know. That you're not happy, that you haven't been, mostly. And I'm sorry." Thinking, Jane placed his words with care as best he could. "For me, it was other people. My hunger, I mean. You never had to see before- we were always in a group. Even when we were alone the rest of the Team wasn't far. It's like... in the military you have to do really hard things, but you have your brothers with you in the thick of it. Makes it easier to bear. ... I've never done well alone. And in the worst times in my life I've never had anyone near me and it just makes things worse." He looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap. It was all the same. What he could remember, what he'd lived through- the absence of companionship had always eaten him alive to an unbearable degree. "That I found my way to you... it was a g-ddamned miracle. And I don't want to waste it. If there's anything I can do to ease that ache inside the way you did for me... I want to. More than anything. You deserve peace of mind."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Despite himself, Fritz leaned into Jane, his weight settling against him like a boulder coming to rest at the base of a hill after a long tumble. He uncovered his face, one hand petting at Hypatia again while the other worked its fingers in-between Jane's clamped digits. His icy blue eyes shifted around the room as he listened to the other man speak, glancing, thinking.

The Medic's gaze fell to the floor again when the Soldier finished. After a pause, he nuzzled a little into him, taking a quick breath.

"You do, too. This is... This is part of the problem." His cheeks drew up tight, squinting at the floor tile. "If I want to treat my a—... Hunger, then—this means I have to leave, to be somewhere else for—for however long it takes."

Another shaky breath drew up in his chest, warmth starting to well up under his eyes. He clutched onto the man's hand, gritting his teeth.

"And Jane, I don't want to leave you alone! You have already been alone for too long!"

Fritz' breath hitched, and he took a moment to futilely try and collect himself, smearing away the wetness from his eyes with his free thumb as his speech fought against the desire to sob.

"Even before, you still had—him—didn't you? But then—now—after everything—after so much—that awful night...!"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"Is that what's holding you back?" Reaching over, he placed his free hand on Fritz's cheek, catching a stray tear with his thumb and gently brushing it away. His brow furrowed in gentle concern. "I was alone for a long time. Even before. Between the time I was dis--" Jane's breath hitched a bit, teeth worrying at his lower lip. He corrected course. "...by the time the war was over... I was a damned mess. I was never good for anything, see. I'm a fighter, or least ways I was. That's all I've ever been able to do, I'm not good for anything else. So I didn't do so good after. Shut myself off from everyone. From him. I couldn't subject anybody else to the dark place I was in. I wouldn't have been good company or good anything. But I was also drowning and pulling away from anybody who might've offered a hand to me. Loosening bonds that... that maybe if had just been a little tighter..." His breath trembled. The end of the sentence hung unsaid in the air and dissolved. "But this... it's not the same. I'm not pushing you away. And you wouldn't be abandoning me, either. I... I can't help you myself. G-d, I wish I could. If I could fight your demons with my own hands I would, every last one. But... I can't. What I can do... is be strong enough to let you go for a while, to see you into hands of people who have the know-how to help you. And I'd miss you so much, I can't lie. But I can miss you if it means that you can be happy when I see you again. If it means that you don't have to suffer this way anymore." Dipping his head forward, he rested his forehead against the German's. "Besides, I won't be all alone. I'll have Hypatia, right?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Words failed him. Fritz only had it in him to slump down, letting Jane's hand support the weight of his head. It was quiet, then, while he regained his breath. Hypatia fluttered off Fritz' lap to the armrest beside Jane, disturbed by the movement of the doctor's arms as he worked them around Jane's waist. He held the other man to himself tightly like rope bound to a dock cleat--a safe ship, harbored.

He didn't want to untie that rope. Not without knowing he'd have a dock to come back to.

"If there are people who can help me, then... Then there are people who can help you, too. If I must seek them, you must seek them too." The Medic pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against the Soldier's.

"I know this is hard. Especially with so many things that you can't really talk about... But you are clever, Schatzi. A quick thinker." He grinned tiredly, but in earnest, rubbing his hand in a circle around Jane's back. "I am sure you can weave a tale for them that helps them help you... Even if it isn't exactly what happened."

"And maybe it would be best to... To start from the beginning of all of this. The war, and--and him, and, ah... When the war was over, as you said." Fritz tilted his head, giving Jane a slow blink of understanding. Even before, these were things the Soldier struggled to mention at all. He knew better than to pry.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) Talk to me, please. I can tell you're in pain and I'd be lying to both of us if I pretended not to know why.

Fritz. You've been there for me no matter how difficult I've been to deal with. I can't just stand by without even trying to help you when you're hurting this damn bad.

Tell me what you need from me. I'll do my damndest to give, to be, whatever you need. Like I always should have, from a long time ago.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

Fritz looked down for a moment, fiddling with his fingers before unclasping his hands, glancing to Hypatia, and steadily reaching for her, bringing her to his lap. She cooed eagerly as he gently itched the back of her head.

He could only hope the pummeling of his heart behind his chest wasn't obvious.

"Tch, Schatzi. We're past the worst of it now, aren't we?" The Medic's brows curled up miserably, letting a small sigh out from his nose. "Nothing will be the same again, but in some ways this is good, ja?"

"You have given me so much already. You always have. I don't—..."

I don't know what you're talking about. But Jane knew better than that.

Fritz swallowed slowly, meeting the steel of his lover's gaze.

"Jane... Have you ever been so hungry that—that it makes you sick?"

He paused, fighting the urge to look away.

"You come down with a nausea, and when the wave crashes over you your mouth is so wet with saliva, and you feel like you might spit up what little is there in your belly. And maybe you do spit—and spit, and spit again—but nothing comes out. Nothing at all."

He caught his breath for a moment, quickly wiping at an eye before continuing.

"But you can't eat, either. You eat too much too fast, that will make you sick, too. You are trying to save money, you are trying to save time, but if you don't eat you will stay hungry. It doesn't ever go away. It isn't just in your stomach, it's—it's in your blood, it's in your brain. And all of it, all the time, aches. And you don't know what to do to make it stop."

His voice trembled.

"Have you ever been so hungry?"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"...yeah actually. I have. Starving. But... not for food." He had a feeling that Fritz wasn't talking about food either. No, they both knew exactly what they were talking about at this point. Jane couldn't help it. He wasn't that oblivious anymore- technically, he never was- and it would just be too painful to pretend that he was. Metaphor made things a little easier, though. Talking about it without directly talking about it, for as long as they could. "Feels like dying but you never actually die. Other shoe never drops. You just get the sick suffering part and it stays like that. And once you find out what makes it stop you never want to feel that way again. It's what Hell must be like." But there was a difference here. What he'd been starving for and what Fritz was starving for now, in real time. Jane very much wanted to light a cigarette to take the edge off but he didn't. Given the nature of the conversation it wouldn't be right. "Is... that what you feel like?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

His face grew tight, drawing thin, long wrinkles over his skin. A million moments hung limply in the air between them.

"... Yes."

He looked back down to Hypatia, who paced in a small circle before settling in on his lap.

"Yes, I... All the time."

But even the cure he'd taken still made his stomach turn, mingling in a sulfurous stew with the guilt that came to marinate in his gut.

"One must imagine Sisyphus happy, but I'm not happy like this." He buried his face in his palms, drawing a shaky breath in. "G-tt, Jane, I'm not happy."

"I'm not happy with myself. With what I've done. To—to you, to myself, to—... And I'm not happy with what I haven't done, what I could have, but didn't."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Sighing softly- just a slight puff of exhaled air- Jane moved closer to Fritz. The two practically sitting shoulder to shoulder, the former Soldier didn't initiate any further contact, though he was obviously open to provide whatever Fritz wanted or needed from him. But what could he offer to sate that hunger, when nothing he'd tried yet had? Jane did smile at Hypatia, in spite of himself. The little dove was perfectly content, needing nothing but warmth, food, and affection. Jane could relate, in a way. "I know. That you're not happy, that you haven't been, mostly. And I'm sorry." Thinking, Jane placed his words with care as best he could. "For me, it was other people. My hunger, I mean. You never had to see before- we were always in a group. Even when we were alone the rest of the Team wasn't far. It's like... in the military you have to do really hard things, but you have your brothers with you in the thick of it. Makes it easier to bear. ... I've never done well alone. And in the worst times in my life I've never had anyone near me and it just makes things worse." He looked down at his hands, clasped in his lap. It was all the same. What he could remember, what he'd lived through- the absence of companionship had always eaten him alive to an unbearable degree. "That I found my way to you... it was a g-ddamned miracle. And I don't want to waste it. If there's anything I can do to ease that ache inside the way you did for me... I want to. More than anything. You deserve peace of mind."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Despite himself, Fritz leaned into Jane, his weight settling against him like a boulder coming to rest at the base of a hill after a long tumble. He uncovered his face, one hand petting at Hypatia again while the other worked its fingers in-between Jane's clamped digits. His icy blue eyes shifted around the room as he listened to the other man speak, glancing, thinking.

The Medic's gaze fell to the floor again when the Soldier finished. After a pause, he nuzzled a little into him, taking a quick breath.

"You do, too. This is... This is part of the problem." His cheeks drew up tight, squinting at the floor tile. "If I want to treat my a—... Hunger, then—this means I have to leave, to be somewhere else for—for however long it takes."

Another shaky breath drew up in his chest, warmth starting to well up under his eyes. He clutched onto the man's hand, gritting his teeth.

"And Jane, I don't want to leave you alone! You have already been alone for too long!"

Fritz' breath hitched, and he took a moment to futilely try and collect himself, smearing away the wetness from his eyes with his free thumb as his speech fought against the desire to sob.

"Even before, you still had—him—didn't you? But then—now—after everything—after so much—that awful night...!"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) Talk to me, please. I can tell you're in pain and I'd be lying to both of us if I pretended not to know why.

Fritz. You've been there for me no matter how difficult I've been to deal with. I can't just stand by without even trying to help you when you're hurting this damn bad.

Tell me what you need from me. I'll do my damndest to give, to be, whatever you need. Like I always should have, from a long time ago.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

Fritz looked down for a moment, fiddling with his fingers before unclasping his hands, glancing to Hypatia, and steadily reaching for her, bringing her to his lap. She cooed eagerly as he gently itched the back of her head.

He could only hope the pummeling of his heart behind his chest wasn't obvious.

"Tch, Schatzi. We're past the worst of it now, aren't we?" The Medic's brows curled up miserably, letting a small sigh out from his nose. "Nothing will be the same again, but in some ways this is good, ja?"

"You have given me so much already. You always have. I don't—..."

I don't know what you're talking about. But Jane knew better than that.

Fritz swallowed slowly, meeting the steel of his lover's gaze.

"Jane... Have you ever been so hungry that—that it makes you sick?"

He paused, fighting the urge to look away.

"You come down with a nausea, and when the wave crashes over you your mouth is so wet with saliva, and you feel like you might spit up what little is there in your belly. And maybe you do spit—and spit, and spit again—but nothing comes out. Nothing at all."

He caught his breath for a moment, quickly wiping at an eye before continuing.

"But you can't eat, either. You eat too much too fast, that will make you sick, too. You are trying to save money, you are trying to save time, but if you don't eat you will stay hungry. It doesn't ever go away. It isn't just in your stomach, it's—it's in your blood, it's in your brain. And all of it, all the time, aches. And you don't know what to do to make it stop."

His voice trembled.

"Have you ever been so hungry?"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

"...yeah actually. I have. Starving. But... not for food." He had a feeling that Fritz wasn't talking about food either. No, they both knew exactly what they were talking about at this point. Jane couldn't help it. He wasn't that oblivious anymore- technically, he never was- and it would just be too painful to pretend that he was. Metaphor made things a little easier, though. Talking about it without directly talking about it, for as long as they could. "Feels like dying but you never actually die. Other shoe never drops. You just get the sick suffering part and it stays like that. And once you find out what makes it stop you never want to feel that way again. It's what Hell must be like." But there was a difference here. What he'd been starving for and what Fritz was starving for now, in real time. Jane very much wanted to light a cigarette to take the edge off but he didn't. Given the nature of the conversation it wouldn't be right. "Is... that what you feel like?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

His face grew tight, drawing thin, long wrinkles over his skin. A million moments hung limply in the air between them.

"... Yes."

He looked back down to Hypatia, who paced in a small circle before settling in on his lap.

"Yes, I... All the time."

But even the cure he'd taken still made his stomach turn, mingling in a sulfurous stew with the guilt that came to marinate in his gut.

"One must imagine Sisyphus happy, but I'm not happy like this." He buried his face in his palms, drawing a shaky breath in. "G-tt, Jane, I'm not happy."

"I'm not happy with myself. With what I've done. To—to you, to myself, to—... And I'm not happy with what I haven't done, what I could have, but didn't."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) Talk to me, please. I can tell you're in pain and I'd be lying to both of us if I pretended not to know why.

Fritz. You've been there for me no matter how difficult I've been to deal with. I can't just stand by without even trying to help you when you're hurting this damn bad.

Tell me what you need from me. I'll do my damndest to give, to be, whatever you need. Like I always should have, from a long time ago.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

Fritz looked down for a moment, fiddling with his fingers before unclasping his hands, glancing to Hypatia, and steadily reaching for her, bringing her to his lap. She cooed eagerly as he gently itched the back of her head.

He could only hope the pummeling of his heart behind his chest wasn't obvious.

"Tch, Schatzi. We're past the worst of it now, aren't we?" The Medic's brows curled up miserably, letting a small sigh out from his nose. "Nothing will be the same again, but in some ways this is good, ja?"

"You have given me so much already. You always have. I don't—..."

I don't know what you're talking about. But Jane knew better than that.

Fritz swallowed slowly, meeting the steel of his lover's gaze.

"Jane... Have you ever been so hungry that—that it makes you sick?"

He paused, fighting the urge to look away.

"You come down with a nausea, and when the wave crashes over you your mouth is so wet with saliva, and you feel like you might spit up what little is there in your belly. And maybe you do spit—and spit, and spit again—but nothing comes out. Nothing at all."

He caught his breath for a moment, quickly wiping at an eye before continuing.

"But you can't eat, either. You eat too much too fast, that will make you sick, too. You are trying to save money, you are trying to save time, but if you don't eat you will stay hungry. It doesn't ever go away. It isn't just in your stomach, it's—it's in your blood, it's in your brain. And all of it, all the time, aches. And you don't know what to do to make it stop."

His voice trembled.

"Have you ever been so hungry?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

He knows.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

I've failed. I've failed. There is something wrong with me—maybe there always was—but I...

Mein G-tt, I've failed.

Even after all this time, there was still the box here of medicine—my medicine. Jane hadn't cleared it away. I don't think he knew that's what it was.

You have to understand, it was unbearable. I thought I might die. It was only me and Hypatia here for a few hours, and I couldn't... I couldn't stop myself. I was so hungry. I had to take the medicine.

I had to.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

You're not alone. His love for you is limitless. He defied time and space for you. Just you being there is what keeps him alive.

Tell him what you need.

I can't.

I can't, I can't tell him that I need the medicine. This is not some simple want, this is a need, eating me whole, wringing me dry. I love him. I want to be there, but...

Like this?

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

They call it a selfish condition, some do. Someone says it is selfish to start and selfish to not stop—that this is a choice people will make, that there is control here, but there is not. There is not.

Both lives I've lived are like poison in my blood.

First it would be the nerves, the stresses, clawing at my bones and skin, crushing at my ribs until there was no more air for me—at first, the medicine stopped this. I could think clearly again for my job. My nightmares were less. I could breathe again. Is that selfish?

And now, in trying to wean myself, though less like a pup from the teat of his mother and more like a mutt hanging onto food scraps, it is not only terror but pain that I am fighting. Pain, me? Hunger pangs, leg aches, my hands that will not stop shaking—if I still had my job, how could I ever perform as this? This is not just aging. But the medicine could stop it. It is when the poison leaves your blood that it hurts most. Is it selfish? Is it selfish to want the pain to stop?

I just want it to stop. I am so hungry.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) "Hey, Fritz, I have something for you." Jane held something in his hands- a large domed something, covered in a white cloth. The cloned Soldier is holding it steady, as if afraid of jostling it around too much. "I, um... someone asked me about something earlier, and the more I thought about it... I figured it'd be something you'd like to have." Very carefully, he held the covered dome out to his boyfriend, his smile almost boyish in its mix of bashfulness and excitement.

Fritz sat up slowly from the couch, exhaustion folding deep creases onto his face, which eased and softened at Jane's enthusiasm, and twisted again in curiosity at whatever-it-was in the Soldier's hands.

"Oh? For me?"

With as gentle a hand, he took the covered dome in his grip, the faint tremble in his hand easing once secure. Something felt familiar about the weight, and although the Medic would not dare hope enough to guess what all of this was about, there was still a twinge of light in his still-beating heart.

He lifted the cloth completely, revealing what was underneath.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Underneath the cloth were the glistening bars of a brass birdcage, and within it, naturally, a bird. Softly cooing, with pristine white feathers. A young female dove- not a replacement to the birds that Fritz had lost, but perhaps the first addition to a new flock. "Her name's Hypatia. You can change it if you want, I just was thinking... 'Archimedes' was a philosopher, but since this is a girl, I looked up woman philosophers and that one jumped out." It was spring, right? New beginnings sprung from this time of year, in defiance of the deathly cold of winter. If ever was a time to start planting the seeds that would grow into a happily-ever-after, it was now. And why not start small? "Go ahead. I've tried not to handle her too much so she gets to know you best."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

"Donnerwetter!" One of the doctor's hands flew up to his mouth, eyes glossy. Glancing between Jane and the bird--Hypatia--he set aside the cage and stood, rifling around in a cabinet for what was evidently an old bag of shelled sunflower seeds.

He sat beside the cage again, pouring out some of the bag into his palm. When he opened the brass door, he reached in slowly for her, hesitant but eager, as if he was just allowed to take a cookie from the jar--although in this case he was the one offering the 'cookie'. "Hallo, Hübsche... Hallo!"

Hypatia fluttered a little, startled by his hand tremor, but upon opening his palm to reveal the seeds she sidestepped closer to inspect the offering. After a moment, she began to peck at the seeds, and with his free hand Fritz had to bite himself to keep from bursting into joyful laugher or collapsing into tears and scaring her off.

"Jane..." He croaked, face tight with the torrent of emotion. "Jane, she's perfect. Hypatia. Thank you. Thank you."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane wondered if Fritz was aware of how beautiful he was in that moment. The moment he saw the cage and its contents, it was like everything that had happened to the Medic- the anxiety, the trauma, the sorrow, everything- even if just for a little while, it all melted away like a snowdrift in the summer sun. He seemed years and years younger, face full of wonder and delight as he began bonding with his new friend. The Soldier wished he had a camera. Or could draw. But no, nothing could capture this correctly. It was everything he'd hoped for and so much more. "You don't need to thank me, Your Highness. This... it's what I wanted, all I need in return. I just wanted to make you happy, to see you smile. You deserve that, so damn much. Just seeing that? I couldn't want anything better." Hypatia, for her part, seemed to be warming up to Fritz pretty quick now that she'd been bribed a little. But then, birds had always loved him. Jane recalled it wasn't just doves that he'd tended, but birds of all sorts. The German just couldn't ignore an avian in distress, and it'd made him a lot of fine feathered friends. That's me, too. You said you'd help me fly again one day. But even so, you've done me so much good just by being with me. Do you know?

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz shook his head, a teary smile fighting to curl up on his cheek. "Come here, come." He waves Jane over, ushering him close.

"Give me your hands." With the Soldier's blocky palms upturned, the Medic poured some seeds for him, too. With a firm but loving grip about his partner's wrist, he guided his hands to Hypatia.

"Gentle, gentle. Say hallo, Schatzi. Hallo Hypatia." He giggled, cooing to her sweetly as she pecked again at the seeds, this time from the other man's hands. "Ich bin dein Vati, ja? Das ist Jane, er ist dein Papa."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane held incredibly still. He was almost afraid to breathe, as if anything he might do ran a risk of hurting the ivory-feathered bird that scuttled about his cupped hands, happily pecking at the seeds. If Hypatia was aware of the former Soldier's anxiety, though, she certainly didn't show it. "...hello, sweetheart." Jane couldn't help but blush a bit at Fritz's words. Vati and Papa. The Medic had always been a bit solitary in the care of his birds- he named them, they all knew him, they could be friendly with others but they were Fritz's first and foremost. But what he was saying now- it was clear as day to Jane. Fritz didn't just want Hypatia to be his, he wanted her to be theirs. It brought tears to the clone's eyes that, for once in a long time, weren't from any sort of grief or sorrow. Slowly, as not to disturb the snacking dove, Jane took a step to the side, getting a little closer to the Medic. Gently tipping the seeds into his left hand, he tucked his right arm around Fritz's side and slowly brought his left hand to meet Fritz's right, giving the dove both of their hands to nibble from. Not just me. Not just you. Us.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

The Medic was beside himself with the rolling wave of delight and affection and memory. He leaned on the Soldier with his shoulders slouched and head bowed to nuzzle against the shorter man's cheek, secure in knowing he could support his weight.

Fritz watched Hypatia for a moment, studying the familiar flicker of her head as it darted around to observe the two men in return, before her quick beak struck down on the shelled sunflower seeds again for another mouthful. He took a deep breath in, satisfied, which then sighed out of his lungs with a small noise of discomfort as he drew his tremoring hand back.

The doctor took turns rubbing his palms with his thumbs, upsettingly aware of the pit in his stomach now that the initial thrill of the surprise passed. Still, he glanced at Jane, offering half of a reassuring smile before returning to fawn over Hypatia.

"Süßes Ding, süßer Vogel, wie schön du bist~"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane didn't say anything for a little while. He didn't need to- the moment was perfect and warm. Its own kind of Ubercharge- completely protected from harm not external, but internal. He could want for nothing else. Even the Medic's weight against his side- a bit too light, perhaps- was a comfort and reassurance. This was not a dream, something that would pop like a bubble at any moment. It was solid and real. "Your highness..." Even the former Soldier's voice was a soft rumble, akin to a purr- gentleness from the rough thing he knew he could be if he wasn't careful. He wasn't exactly made for falling in love, after all, but at the moment, what he was or wasn't made for was the furthest thing from Jane's mind. "...I've been thinking. I was thinking a lot while I was waiting for you. And I've still been thinking about it. And I think... I want to stay with you for the rest of my life." He frowned a bit. That was sort of what he was already doing. Clearing his throat, Jane went to clarify a bit, eyes fixed on the dove neatly picking apart the seed shells to get at the nutty grey insides. "We could live anywhere, I think. Somewhere nice. Where nobody knows who we are, that's never had ties to all of this. Start fresh. Just us. And Hypatia, too. If... if you'd want that." Jane was up to any alterations in the plan. Maybe he'd want to take Jeremy along, or stay somewhere at least close enough to stay in easy contact with the younger man. Anything would be alright in the end, anyplace. He just wanted so desperately for the two of them to make a new start, where they could begin to heal in each other's company and love. A little kingdom for the white prince and his shining knight to build together, and mend their cracked crown and dented armor.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

The Medic's lips pinched shut, and he backed up slightly from the Soldier, scanning his features carefully before settling on his eyes—ice melting against steel.

A new life.

"For the rest of your life?" His brows squeezed up as he blinked back another surge of emotion. "With me?"

What I wouldn't give to have a new life.

It wasn't something he'd had the time to think about, recently. There were those flights of fancy about the future before, but that night in the Slaughterhouse had cast a long shadow of doubt over the doctor. Although he survived, he'd forgotten that the future was an option—a choice he could make.

A new start.

Fritz breathed slowly, easing the tension under his ribs. He broke his gaze with Jane, tracing each corner of the room around him—his office, which was the closest thing to a home he's had in a long time—but was also home to countless nightmares that could never quite be shaken, even with the new coat of paint.

Without my work, what am I?

He met the other man's eyes again, feeling breathless.

With him, what could I be?

"Yes. Please, yes."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Gently, Jane tilted his hand downward, Hypatia hopping off onto the counter and amusing herself with the rest of the seeds.

Turning fully to Fritz, Jane dusted his hands off on his pants and reached up, his hands cupping the German's face. Lost in those blue steel eyes, so soft despite being such a hard color. Like summer storms, the only rainclouds Jane could never tire of. "I know I'm not much, Fritz. I don't have a lot to offer you. Even before, I was never that smart. I know what I am. You know what I am. But even still. What I am and what I have is yours. I just... want to make you happy. As happy as you deserve to be." 'Deserve' was relative. Jane had a feeling that the happiness he thought Fritz deserved and the happiness Fritz thought Fritz deserved was probably a lot different.

How much happiness do you think that you deserve?

Don't answer that. You'll make a hypocrite out of yourself.

He said yes and Jane's heart soared. He could really believe everything would be this simple. Just like the fairytale his pet name for the doctor came from, they could ride off into the sunset on a white horse, the world their oyster. just for a moment, let me pretend it'll be this easy.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz nuzzled into those callused palms, softer to him than the finest silk. His eyes were squeezed shut, but he tried not to let the tension behind his forehead show, slipping his hands up over Jane's and winding their fingers together. "You are already everything to me. Eheh. Maybe you always have been."

Aside from the times where they would talk—talk about the war, talk about gravel, talk about... Him—the Medic only really knew the Soldier from afar. He always knew he wanted more, if not as a friend then as a teammate, but even in the great arms of a man now hulking and charred and rotten, he found himself craving something else beside his medicine.

But he always craved the medicine. "I'm... I'm afraid, Jane." He chuckled again, opening his eyes, which looked on at the other man with love and unease. "I'm afraid I might end up disappointing you."

He felt his heart clatter against his ribs, against his skin, and this was not a new feeling, but no less unpleasant. He tightened his hold on Jane's hands, if only to ease the trembling.

"You are sure you want forever? With me? You have already given me so much, I—..." He dwindled off, looking to Hypatia on the table. "... What if I'm never able to repay you?"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Maybe you always have been.

It was a statement that filled Jane with a maddeningly contrasting mix of warmth and dread. Yes, there was something pleasant about knowing that he was always there, during everything, watching from afar, that no matter who either of them were with or what they were doing back then, there was a connecting thread and if only one of them had just grabbed hold of it and pulled... well. But running up alongside was that other thought. Always that other thought, the venom of just what he was rising up to taint everything. It wasn't you. It was never you he was looking after with a secret longing. It wasn't you whose life he saved, who he pulled back from the brink of despair with his own hands. Even if you remember it plain as day, it wasn't you. Who was it he loved then? Who is it he loves now? Is it you, or the one you replaced? Slowly, he curled his fingers inward, several sets of small embraces. The contact was a comfort, let him banish those venom-thoughts to the back burner to be worried about later. Listening to Fritz's words, though, he couldn't help but bridge the small gap still left between them, resting his forehead against the German's even if he had to straighten up to do so. "You could never disappoint me. And yes. I know this is what I want. Like I said, I've had a lot of time to think it over. I... I get ugly thoughts sometimes, Fritz. Ones I think are gonna eat me alive one of these days, that do their damnedest to make me think I'm never gonna be happy again and I don't deserve to. But... no matter how much it tried? All that ugly in my head... couldn't make me change my mind. Because I know... I know if I could just build my life back up, and help you build yours too... I really believe that I... that we... could be happy. I do. The clouds are gonna break, Fritz. We're gonna feel daylight on our shoulders again." It was a precious belief, a wish from the heart. It'd been a touchstone to what kept him going almost as much as Fritz's pendant had. It was the most important thing he could have as a Soldier, too- something to fight for. Even if what he was fighting was inside his own head for the most part. "You never need to think about repaying me. Not a thing. Heh, if anything... I always think that maybe I'm the one who owes you."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

The doctor took a slow breath, sharing the quiet air between him and Jane before breaking the silence. "I want us to be happy. Scheiße, I want to believe you."

His heart jolted. "I-I mean, I do. I do believe you. I..." The weak lovechild of a laugh and a sigh squeezed out of him. "We can work on the financials. See what is saved and how much is needed. Get us out of this wretched town, ja?"

And into a home that has a real bed, in a real bedroom.

Fritz freed his hands to cup Jane's face into return. He brushed his thumbs up and over the Soldier's cheeks, feeling the warmth under the skin and the faint scratch of stubble under his palms. Hypatia chirped expectantly, breaking the spell, and the Medic leaned aside to look at her.

The dove had finished the sunflower seeds laid out on the desk, leaving only shredded shells behind.

"And, ah... Get our little lady some good food, too, soon."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

(emotionally-destroyed-soldier) "Hey, Fritz, I have something for you." Jane held something in his hands- a large domed something, covered in a white cloth. The cloned Soldier is holding it steady, as if afraid of jostling it around too much. "I, um... someone asked me about something earlier, and the more I thought about it... I figured it'd be something you'd like to have." Very carefully, he held the covered dome out to his boyfriend, his smile almost boyish in its mix of bashfulness and excitement.

Fritz sat up slowly from the couch, exhaustion folding deep creases onto his face, which eased and softened at Jane's enthusiasm, and twisted again in curiosity at whatever-it-was in the Soldier's hands.

"Oh? For me?"

With as gentle a hand, he took the covered dome in his grip, the faint tremble in his hand easing once secure. Something felt familiar about the weight, and although the Medic would not dare hope enough to guess what all of this was about, there was still a twinge of light in his still-beating heart.

He lifted the cloth completely, revealing what was underneath.

@emotionally-destroyed-soldier

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Underneath the cloth were the glistening bars of a brass birdcage, and within it, naturally, a bird. Softly cooing, with pristine white feathers. A young female dove- not a replacement to the birds that Fritz had lost, but perhaps the first addition to a new flock. "Her name's Hypatia. You can change it if you want, I just was thinking... 'Archimedes' was a philosopher, but since this is a girl, I looked up woman philosophers and that one jumped out." It was spring, right? New beginnings sprung from this time of year, in defiance of the deathly cold of winter. If ever was a time to start planting the seeds that would grow into a happily-ever-after, it was now. And why not start small? "Go ahead. I've tried not to handle her too much so she gets to know you best."

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

"Donnerwetter!" One of the doctor's hands flew up to his mouth, eyes glossy. Glancing between Jane and the bird--Hypatia--he set aside the cage and stood, rifling around in a cabinet for what was evidently an old bag of shelled sunflower seeds.

He sat beside the cage again, pouring out some of the bag into his palm. When he opened the brass door, he reached in slowly for her, hesitant but eager, as if he was just allowed to take a cookie from the jar--although in this case he was the one offering the 'cookie'. "Hallo, Hübsche... Hallo!"

Hypatia fluttered a little, startled by his hand tremor, but upon opening his palm to reveal the seeds she sidestepped closer to inspect the offering. After a moment, she began to peck at the seeds, and with his free hand Fritz had to bite himself to keep from bursting into joyful laugher or collapsing into tears and scaring her off.

"Jane..." He croaked, face tight with the torrent of emotion. "Jane, she's perfect. Hypatia. Thank you. Thank you."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane wondered if Fritz was aware of how beautiful he was in that moment. The moment he saw the cage and its contents, it was like everything that had happened to the Medic- the anxiety, the trauma, the sorrow, everything- even if just for a little while, it all melted away like a snowdrift in the summer sun. He seemed years and years younger, face full of wonder and delight as he began bonding with his new friend. The Soldier wished he had a camera. Or could draw. But no, nothing could capture this correctly. It was everything he'd hoped for and so much more. "You don't need to thank me, Your Highness. This... it's what I wanted, all I need in return. I just wanted to make you happy, to see you smile. You deserve that, so damn much. Just seeing that? I couldn't want anything better." Hypatia, for her part, seemed to be warming up to Fritz pretty quick now that she'd been bribed a little. But then, birds had always loved him. Jane recalled it wasn't just doves that he'd tended, but birds of all sorts. The German just couldn't ignore an avian in distress, and it'd made him a lot of fine feathered friends. That's me, too. You said you'd help me fly again one day. But even so, you've done me so much good just by being with me. Do you know?

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz shook his head, a teary smile fighting to curl up on his cheek. "Come here, come." He waves Jane over, ushering him close.

"Give me your hands." With the Soldier's blocky palms upturned, the Medic poured some seeds for him, too. With a firm but loving grip about his partner's wrist, he guided his hands to Hypatia.

"Gentle, gentle. Say hallo, Schatzi. Hallo Hypatia." He giggled, cooing to her sweetly as she pecked again at the seeds, this time from the other man's hands. "Ich bin dein Vati, ja? Das ist Jane, er ist dein Papa."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane held incredibly still. He was almost afraid to breathe, as if anything he might do ran a risk of hurting the ivory-feathered bird that scuttled about his cupped hands, happily pecking at the seeds. If Hypatia was aware of the former Soldier's anxiety, though, she certainly didn't show it. "...hello, sweetheart." Jane couldn't help but blush a bit at Fritz's words. Vati and Papa. The Medic had always been a bit solitary in the care of his birds- he named them, they all knew him, they could be friendly with others but they were Fritz's first and foremost. But what he was saying now- it was clear as day to Jane. Fritz didn't just want Hypatia to be his, he wanted her to be theirs. It brought tears to the clone's eyes that, for once in a long time, weren't from any sort of grief or sorrow. Slowly, as not to disturb the snacking dove, Jane took a step to the side, getting a little closer to the Medic. Gently tipping the seeds into his left hand, he tucked his right arm around Fritz's side and slowly brought his left hand to meet Fritz's right, giving the dove both of their hands to nibble from. Not just me. Not just you. Us.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

The Medic was beside himself with the rolling wave of delight and affection and memory. He leaned on the Soldier with his shoulders slouched and head bowed to nuzzle against the shorter man's cheek, secure in knowing he could support his weight.

Fritz watched Hypatia for a moment, studying the familiar flicker of her head as it darted around to observe the two men in return, before her quick beak struck down on the shelled sunflower seeds again for another mouthful. He took a deep breath in, satisfied, which then sighed out of his lungs with a small noise of discomfort as he drew his tremoring hand back.

The doctor took turns rubbing his palms with his thumbs, upsettingly aware of the pit in his stomach now that the initial thrill of the surprise passed. Still, he glanced at Jane, offering half of a reassuring smile before returning to fawn over Hypatia.

"Süßes Ding, süßer Vogel, wie schön du bist~"

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Jane didn't say anything for a little while. He didn't need to- the moment was perfect and warm. Its own kind of Ubercharge- completely protected from harm not external, but internal. He could want for nothing else. Even the Medic's weight against his side- a bit too light, perhaps- was a comfort and reassurance. This was not a dream, something that would pop like a bubble at any moment. It was solid and real. "Your highness..." Even the former Soldier's voice was a soft rumble, akin to a purr- gentleness from the rough thing he knew he could be if he wasn't careful. He wasn't exactly made for falling in love, after all, but at the moment, what he was or wasn't made for was the furthest thing from Jane's mind. "...I've been thinking. I was thinking a lot while I was waiting for you. And I've still been thinking about it. And I think... I want to stay with you for the rest of my life." He frowned a bit. That was sort of what he was already doing. Clearing his throat, Jane went to clarify a bit, eyes fixed on the dove neatly picking apart the seed shells to get at the nutty grey insides. "We could live anywhere, I think. Somewhere nice. Where nobody knows who we are, that's never had ties to all of this. Start fresh. Just us. And Hypatia, too. If... if you'd want that." Jane was up to any alterations in the plan. Maybe he'd want to take Jeremy along, or stay somewhere at least close enough to stay in easy contact with the younger man. Anything would be alright in the end, anyplace. He just wanted so desperately for the two of them to make a new start, where they could begin to heal in each other's company and love. A little kingdom for the white prince and his shining knight to build together, and mend their cracked crown and dented armor.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

The Medic's lips pinched shut, and he backed up slightly from the Soldier, scanning his features carefully before settling on his eyes—ice melting against steel.

A new life.

"For the rest of your life?" His brows squeezed up as he blinked back another surge of emotion. "With me?"

What I wouldn't give to have a new life.

It wasn't something he'd had the time to think about, recently. There were those flights of fancy about the future before, but that night in the Slaughterhouse had cast a long shadow of doubt over the doctor. Although he survived, he'd forgotten that the future was an option—a choice he could make.

A new start.

Fritz breathed slowly, easing the tension under his ribs. He broke his gaze with Jane, tracing each corner of the room around him—his office, which was the closest thing to a home he's had in a long time—but was also home to countless nightmares that could never quite be shaken, even with the new coat of paint.

Without my work, what am I?

He met the other man's eyes again, feeling breathless.

With him, what could I be?

"Yes. Please, yes."

[emotionally-destroyed-soldier]

Gently, Jane tilted his hand downward, Hypatia hopping off onto the counter and amusing herself with the rest of the seeds.

Turning fully to Fritz, Jane dusted his hands off on his pants and reached up, his hands cupping the German's face. Lost in those blue steel eyes, so soft despite being such a hard color. Like summer storms, the only rainclouds Jane could never tire of. "I know I'm not much, Fritz. I don't have a lot to offer you. Even before, I was never that smart. I know what I am. You know what I am. But even still. What I am and what I have is yours. I just... want to make you happy. As happy as you deserve to be." 'Deserve' was relative. Jane had a feeling that the happiness he thought Fritz deserved and the happiness Fritz thought Fritz deserved was probably a lot different.

How much happiness do you think that you deserve?

Don't answer that. You'll make a hypocrite out of yourself.

He said yes and Jane's heart soared. He could really believe everything would be this simple. Just like the fairytale his pet name for the doctor came from, they could ride off into the sunset on a white horse, the world their oyster. just for a moment, let me pretend it'll be this easy.

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

Fritz nuzzled into those callused palms, softer to him than the finest silk. His eyes were squeezed shut, but he tried not to let the tension behind his forehead show, slipping his hands up over Jane's and winding their fingers together. "You are already everything to me. Eheh. Maybe you always have been."

Aside from the times where they would talk—talk about the war, talk about gravel, talk about... Him—the Medic only really knew the Soldier from afar. He always knew he wanted more, if not as a friend then as a teammate, but even in the great arms of a man now hulking and charred and rotten, he found himself craving something else beside his medicine.

But he always craved the medicine. "I'm... I'm afraid, Jane." He chuckled again, opening his eyes, which looked on at the other man with love and unease. "I'm afraid I might end up disappointing you."

He felt his heart clatter against his ribs, against his skin, and this was not a new feeling, but no less unpleasant. He tightened his hold on Jane's hands, if only to ease the trembling.

"You are sure you want forever? With me? You have already given me so much, I—..." He dwindled off, looking to Hypatia on the table. "... What if I'm never able to repay you?"

[emotionallyunwellmedic]

you're horrifically depressed. love you pookie. here's a cat ! 🐈‍⬛ don't eat it, it will give you lead poisoning

This is not a very nice thing to say to someone...