sometimes your distress does indicate you should stop and respect your limitations. at other times it's more of a baby aquatic mammal being introduced to water for the first time thing. Too bad the difference is so hard to tell.
Tldr: Prince. So many words about him. Sex talk, not too explicit, mostly talking about the recent trip I took down there.
So. Ok. Prince. Gosh. Prince. Oh my. Where to start *reads through archives to see last stuff I wrote about him* Hmm. Ok. So a bit of catching up.
The usual cut because I care for those who need it, and also because, like. There’s a lot of words here.
So, I drove down to City M just before my birthday to spend the week with Prince. It took about 9 hours of driving, plus an hour of stops, to get to him. I stopped a few blocks around the corner from his house for a costume change, slipped into something…less comfortable. That was the first time we’d gotten to bang in the flesh, and. Well. I was prepared for it to be kinda underwhelming, honestly, thinking first times often are, and that, since we’d talked about it so much, what actually happened in real life wouldn’t stand up to the fantasy we’d constructed. But, uhm. Well. It was…it was amazing. Like, all the sex we had was Really Very Good, but I’m going to remember that first time for the rest of my life, it’ll make it onto all the top ten lists I make in my head.
We spent one night as his place with his domestic partner, then we took off for a road trip by the ocean. We spent one day at one place, and then two days at the second place. I swam once, at an isolated beach on the way back to City M on the Monday, because it was too cold every other day. Water was still cold then too, but at least the sun was out and the outside temperature was above 20. Prince swam twice, once on Friday night, when we got to the first location (“it’s 7 o’clock at night, it’s cold, I’m still sick, and the sun’s barely poking out from behind clouds. I’ll put swimmers on and try but I don’t think I’ll last long in the water.” ... I stayed in the water for a few minutes up to my knees, then noped out. How Prince dealt with the cold is beyond me.), and he swam again on the way back with me.
My birthday was on the Sunday, and it was…yup. It was good. More phenomenal fucking, good spending time together, went for a walk, spent some time together being domestic, napped, and spent some quality time in town with the internet, since we were out of reception. It was a wonderful birthday. He actually gave me a birthday present a few days before my birthday, because Reasons, but said birthday present got trotted out.
Monday night I caught up with a friend for dinner, then went and stayed with an old school friend, both of which were lovely. Tiring, but lovely. Then Tuesday night Prince and I stayed at a hotel, and I left on Wednesday.
It was lovely Prince and I chatted on Tuesday day too. I wasn’t expecting that? I kind of figured he’d just…ignore me, I guess, while he got a break from me while he was working. Same deal Monday night, though we were both busy and we didn’t chat much, we did a little bit. That was really comforting, actually. I mean, some of that attention might have been anxiety related, but it was still nice. Made me feel like it didn’t matter where I was, so much, our relationship didn’t have to change. I don’t know why I was expecting it to be different when I was in the same city as him, but I was.
I was really thinking I’d be really upset on the drive home, but I wasn’t. I had arranged to stay with Sister for a night before I went home, which I think was a great idea. It was a good palate cleanser before going back to…well. I’ve already written about how that turned out, so it was good to be able to stop and decompress, process a bit before stepping back into the home life. I miss Prince terribly right now, he’s away in a no reception area for the better part of a week. It’s been a few days already. It feels silly, but this is the longest we’ll have not talked since I actually physically met him in September? There have been a handful of days since then when we haven’t talked at all, but not all in one go and I miiiiiiiiiiiss him, my Prince.
I’m also a bit surprised I haven’t felt like I’m getting a second best relationship since I’ve come back? I was kind of wondering if going back to long distance relationshipping after being all in each other’s spaces would be unpleasant, or would feel like a step back? But so far so good. I miss him, but no more than usual. I think as time passes I’m going to miss being around him more and more, but it’s not so bad. We talk a lot. Like, a lot. I have a lot of feelings about him. I related to Marion a particular story that demonstrated, quite well given my opinion about Some Things, how Into Prince I Am, which made her laugh and laugh.
So, sex, amazing, tick. We did that a lot. There was a lot of fucking. It was brilliant. I was a bit worried that I’d want him less once I’d had him in the flesh, but that’s not a problem at all. If anything I want him more now, now I know exactly what he smells and tastes like, now I know how well we fit together, how good it all is. It was also fantastic to hang out with him in a romantic kinda of way. Last time I was down there with him we’d still been will we won’t we, this is all new and confusing what is this type back and forth, so getting to spend time around Prince as a partner was just as good and enjoyable as the sex.
We took a bunch of sappy selfies of us together. I forgot to take a selfie with him last time I was down, in September, but I fixed that this time. In fact, I forgot to take selfies with anyone else I saw.
We’re well matched in a lot of different ways. Sexually, very yes; politically, yup; humour, very yep; and with a lot of media too, yupyup. I haven’t loved or lusted after him any less since I got back, and yes, although I miss him, and yeah, the distance thing grates a bit now and then, we’re doing pretty good. I think, we both think, there’s long term relationship potential here, and I’m looking forward to exploring that.
I still feel a bit impostor syndrome. He’s a pretty great sort of a person, yanno, and he’s got some incredible people in his life. I’m just me, nothing particularly special, and I’m still kind of bracing for Prince to realise that. Not worth the trouble, not worth the time, not worth the drama I’ve got going on. That’s just my own brain noise I’ve got going on there, nothing to actually base it on. I’m assuming that will fade over time? Dear jebus I hope so.
Tldr: J and I do some srs relationshipping; I’m very sad and angry, and am grieving the relationship we had; thinking about the future, both J and I together, and more broadly.
J and I talked last night. We actually had the most quality time we’ve spent together in some time. It was helpful. We talked about what the current living situation means for us and where we want to be going in the future.
I feel like I’m grieving for our relationship. The way I’ve been feeling, it feels like the process of dealing with grief, which is an admission that in itself feels weird. Even if we end up living together again, I don’t feel like we’ll have the same relationship we have had, so I guess it makes sense to mourn what we’ve had – all change is painful – but it does kind of feel like a bit of an overreaction? Especially since moving out of that house was something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, and living by myself is something I’ve been considering for an even longer time. I guess it’s just a bit harder, being confronted by the reality of it?
We’re not the same people we were 11 years ago, and I honestly don’t know if the people we are now have compatible goals and ambitions. I am not planning on staying in B Town, but I know J is actually happy here. I want to move somewhere bigger, and I know he’s quite happy here. I want to dance again, desperately; I want a gaming group again; I want to live in a more queer friendly area; and I want more queer folks to hang with on a regular basis. J…J is happy enough here. Some of that is influenced by Cat and some of that is influenced by his family living close to B Town, and the fact this area is a comfort zone for him.
This is a problem that I knew would be coming up. I’ve been aware that I want to move again but J wants to stay put, but I think he would have followed me anyways, except now…Cat. J has mentioned a few times that he’s just expecting me to say something like ‘naaah, this relationship is too much work, I’m off’, which is...which is hurtful. It’s really hurtful that he thinks I would just abandon him when things got hard, just because it’s going to take work, and perhaps ironically, makes me want to retreat and run away.
[As a quick aside, the fact that I’m now aware that my first instinct when I’m hurt is to run away makes me less likely to leave, even when it’s the best option. Because what if it’s just my flight response kicking in? No I should probly just stay and work it out. Not quite relevant here, but still. Something I’ve noticed in my thoughts. I have to Extra Justify wanting to leave to myself. Good job me.]
One of the things J and I talked about last night was the fact that it’s really weird for me to now be in the position of secondary partner, because that’s essentially what’s happened. He said it’s just sort of happened without him noticing, without him choosing, to which I call bullshit. No, this has happened because of things that you’ve chosen. You have made active choices to get yourself in this position, and so have Cat and I. I am interested in a kind of ::gets out the popcorn:: way to see what happens to J and Cat when they live together in a primary partner model without me around. I honestly don’t think that that kind of relationship is going to be something they can sustain. That being said, that could just be me being vengeful.
Both J and Cat’s anxiety have improved now that I’m gone. While that’s been part of the goal of me leaving, it’s also...it hurts. J’s depression is just as bad, but I guess at least his anxiety has improved.
I am aggressively pursuing a tough regime of self-care at the moment. For me, that mostly means making sure I eat at least twice a day, preferably three times, with at least one hot meal, and at least one meal that contains veggies. I am also aware that I really need to move my body in some kind of substantial way, and soon. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and give me a day that doesn’t go too far over 30 degrees. And I’m doing fun things too, making sure to connect with friends and family, talking to people.
I start work again on Tuesday, thank goodness. Asides from the money (GOSH YES PLEASE) I’ve been getting a bit bored with not working. The holiday period is a problem I’ll make sure to plan for this year. Six weeks isn’t so bad, but because work gets really slow for casuals in term 4, I need to organise something else to do then. Or apparently what happens is I don’t work for the better part of 3 months.
TLDR: Processing, venting, leaving home again, Cat related dramas.
I got home on Thursday and was super excited to see J again. Because of Reasons sex is off the cards right now, but I still had Plans. J goes to put Cat to bed, they shag because of course they do, and instead of coming back to me to sleep, as prearranged, J falls asleep with Cat. I am upset. I have just spent a week away and had a wonderful time with lots of feelings, and was looking forward to sleeping beside J, to help reconnect with him. J comes in to me the next morning feeling guilty and apologises a million times. I tell J I am upset, and that we both know he wouldn’t have dared do this to Cat, and if he had there would be so many problems.
J and Cat go out to dinner with mutual friends of us all on Friday night, to which I am Explicitly Not Invited to. I find that kind of odd – not the fact that J and Cat are going out together, but that he feels the need to tell me I can’t come. It’s perfectly natural to want to go out with your partner without a third hanging along? We chat about it later, after he’s put Cat to bed, and it’s like I’ve pulled on a loose thread – so much has come unravelled. Cat hasn’t been coping since her and I broke up. I do not understand this? We dated for *maybe* four months, and it’s been two since we broke up. Current hypothesis is she’s never been dumped before. But, regardless, she’s not doing well, and it’s spilling on to J. They’re both stuck in some kind of terrible depression anxiety mental health spiral.
J also asked for and received permission to rant about Cat for a bit. Apparently he hadn’t realised what it was like to live with someone who has such Definite Opinions About Things. I’m quite easy going and, in his words, ‘I thought to myself, ‘Wow, Enaera puts up with a lot, living with someone who wants things done their way.’’ Good. It also sounds like Cat has some things going on that are not great poly practices, which have come to me by way of J, so it’s secondhand information, but is...troubling.
So. I’m not there at the moment. Me living with the two of them in that house was only a temporary arrangement which, in the way of temporary arrangements, got stretched out. I’d already started to plan my move, so this is not a new idea, but. But but but. I’m staying with a friend, Indy, who long time readers with exceptionally good memories will remember is also Cat’s ex. It could be weird, and when I saw him just before Christmas there was A Lot Of Talking, but we’re good now. It’s actually really good to be able to vent to someone who is in a position to understand, and who knows Cat and is firmly on Team Me.
I spent most of yesterday being ok, until it was time to actually pack a bag and leave, and since then I’ve been a bit…jagged. Fragile. Functioning ok, but I feel a bit as if I turn too quickly I’ll shatter. And I don’t quite know why? It comes and goes – sometimes I’m fine, sometimes I’m not. And I’m a bit confused at myself. I don’t understand why I’m not just fine. Why is this taking up space in my head?
I told J I thought me not being around was just going to be a bandaid for whatever problems J and Cat are having, both together and separately, but I was still going to do it. Honestly…I almost feel a bit as if it’s running away? As seen from the outside I am aware it could look like J is leaving me alone in the cold, but honestly it feels like the other way around. I feel like I’m walking away and dusting my hands of him and just leaving him to pull himself out of his own mental health hellhole. I mean, in a way I have been distancing myself from J’s mental health struggles. I will absolutely support my people with their things, but I will not be their entire everything. J needs to own his mental health and work on it *himself*, not rely on me to fix or work around things for him. That’s not enough anymore. His refusal to see a health professional is something that’s causing me a non-considerable amount of stress. ANYWAYS I feel a bit as if I’m just leaving him to sort it out himself? Which I kind of guess I am? But...hashtag conflicted feelings about that.
I’ll start working again in a few weeks and as soon as I’m able I’ll be organising my own house space, probably with J. I think his plan is to split his time between two households he is a part of, one with me and one with Cat, which is a whole ‘nother thing, but at this point I’m working off the assumption J will help set up the new digs. I’m loosely planning on staying a week or so with Indy, then off to see my folks, then I’m not sure. Hopefully work will pick back up by then?
Tldr: 2016 reflections, professionally and personally.
The past year has been the most full on I've ever had, both personally and professionally. Professionally, I completed two pracs, wrote thousands of words in assessments, finished my second degree, and have started working in my chosen field. It’s been so good to finally put everything I’ve learnt into practice, and I’ve discovered I really love what I’m doing. It’s taken me a bit to adjust to myself as a person of authority and I’m still becoming comfortable with the label ‘teacher’ but I’m getting there. I’ve met some amazing and generous people through work, and I’m happy to call some of them friends.
Personally, well. I’ve written here at length about my personal life. My relationship with J has changed – not better or worse, just different. I’m more independent and am working on reconnecting with myself. And working through my own issues with regards to J and Cat’s new relationship has been a very forced growth experience. My relationship with Cat has been a learning experience and I’m the wiser for it. I’m glad it’s over – very glad – but I can’t bring myself to regret it too much. I learnt a lot about relationships and communication and how that related to me with Cat, so there’s a silver lining there. My relationship with Prince is amazing and a wild ride, and I’m enjoying every second of it. He is a joy and has already brought so many positives into my life.
Purchasing my car has been amazing and I love it. I spent the first chunk of this year living out of a suitcase, going from couch to spare bed, and while my living situation is still somewhat unsettled, at least it’s better than it was. I’ve been gaming and reading again, and I’ve written some words I’m really proud of, both in my professional and personal life. I’ve written a lot, actually.
2016 has been, for me, a year of learning and growth. Some of it’s been painful and some of it’s been enjoyable. I’ve been taking it fairly easy the last few weeks, since work has slacked off a bit, and I’m trying to be more understanding of myself for needing the time off.
Here’s to 2017. I’d like it to be a bit less full on. I’d like to deepen and strengthen the relationships I’ve got; I’d like to continue to grow, both as a teacher and as a person; I’d quite like to be having a bunch more sex, please and thank you; and I want to continue to enjoy my own company. Best of luck to you in 2017 – I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you all well.
Tldr: J has family drama surrounding bringing Cat and I to his family’s Christmas gathering.
J just got a text message from his brother. J’s brother hosted their Christmas event this year, as in most years previous. Cat came along to Christmas and I had thought we all enjoyed ourselves well enough, but JBrother has just said he didn’t like it, not the three of us, in front of his daughter even.
I’m angry. At JBrother, for expressing a boundary so sloppily and painfully; and at J, for not communicating properly to everyone. There’s still part of me that wishes I could fix all this, but this is J’s family mess and he needs to deal with it.
On one hand, no big deal. JBrother doesn’t want J and two partners around, fine, no problem. J will take one partner to his family events. Sorted. On the other hand, the way this has been expressed and dealt with so far hasn’t been great and I am fighting the Urge To Fix Or At Least Meddle. Why must people be so bad at communicating things. Why.
Tldr: An old friend/acquaintance has gotten back in touch with J and I since his seperation from his partner, musings about why, and personal growth.
There used to be a fair amount of flirting between us, and maybe some things, and now apparently he’s separated from his wife there is a large part of me who wonders if he’s coming to J and I because now his wife is no longer around he can have whatever friends he wants to again, regardless of what his ex thinks about them; or whether he’s going eeeyyyyyyy, been there done that GONNA DO IT AGAIN.
Buddy, pal, friend. No. That ship has sailed long ago. Sailed, been on a long voyage, sunk, rusted, and is now home to an ever increasing variety of fish and other ocean life.
One thing J did mention that I find really interesting was how much we both must have changed in the past 10 years. We used to be fairly close to this friend, but not so much any more. In fact, I find him to be not a great person. Bit of a jerk, tbh. And I, and J, don’t think he’s changed in the past decade. So, huzzah to personal growth! I’m no longer the person I was at 20 and I will no longer put up with the same shit I would then. I find that really reassuring.
I had a dream about Kitten last night, for the first time in a long time, probably stirred up by chatting to a friend last night who knew them. I dreamt J was in some kind of hopsital setting, and I was wandering around looking for him. Not stressing very much, just kind of...being pretty chill, wandering around. I think I was getting more and more tired as I went? And eventually I walked in to a room to find them helping bandage up J - he seemed to have some kind of a stomach wound Kitten was tending to. I was so excited to see them! I rushed towards them, intending to hug them, before I realised that wasn’t a thing I was allowed to do anymore. I asked if I could hug them, they said no, I said fair enough, and I was crying? And cringing? And I think they must have felt sorry for me, because they then said ‘ahh, alright’, and I hugged them. Not for very long, they were super Not Into It, and then they just...bustled out. I walked out of the room into a grassy corner of the playground and sat down, and I was so tired I think I passed out. Came to a few minutes later to find a student shaking my shoulder, worried.
Tldr: J is a bit of alright; J comes out to his mum; more Cat talkings; finally srsly talked with Indy, Cat’s ex, about Cat and my relationship with her; Prince is best and that’s going very well *swoons*.
J is bringing Cat to his family’s christmas. I have fewer feelings about this then I thought I would, tbh. I’m a bit annoyed I have to deal with it; but I think mostly it’s been a really valuable realisation to me of just how much J cares and values Cat.
In preparation for this, he came out to his mum yesterday, my MIL (mother in law), as poly. Apparently the conversation went fairly well, which is a relief. MIL has noticed I’ve been much happier in the past month or so, and knew *something* was going on between J and Cat, so connected her own dots to assume J and I had broken up, Cat and J had started dating, and all this was making me very happy. So J corrected those assumptions and apparently she’s very happy and relieved. In the course of this conversation, there was a statement from MIL saying approximately ‘Well, J, that’s great for you, you’re getting everything you want, typical man stuff blah blah’, so J told her I’m dating a person too, from [Place]. I don’t know how much detail he went into here? And I don’t mind so much, but I have to say, I’m getting a bit tired of having my personal information shared in the interest of making other people’s conversations go smoother. That’s the second time J’s done that recently, and yes, apologies after, but that doesn’t fix any damage already done.
I’ve spent a bit of time this past week talking to J about relationship things, and I really don’t give him enough credit. He approaches things differently to me, and there’s some things we’re never going to agree on, but, well, it was really nice to be reminded why I fell in love with him in the first place and why I’m so invested in our relationship.
My current plan for living arrangements in 2017 has been to move out, as soon as I possibly could, in to a two bedroom place that was mostly mine but also had a space for Jizz. I’ve been reconsidering my options there. It’s going to be so much easier for everyone else involved if I don’t do that, if instead the three of us find a place to live together. This house is just not big enough for three people, that’s fairly obvious and we all agree on that, but. But what next? And would it really be better for me to live alone-ish? Is that what I actually want? On the other hand...housemates? UGH I don’t know. I’ve got time to figure it out but UGH. HARD. WOE.
I was thinking about it the other day, and I realised I didn’t actually ever tell anyone I was dating Cat. None of my friends here found out from me before we broke up, and the few friends that aren’t geographically close I told about it, well... ‘Yeah, I’ve got an ‘it’s complicated’ with Cat’. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement now, is it Enaera.
I hung out with Indy tonight. For those of you playing along at home who don’t have a picture perfect memory, Indy is my friend of…the better part of 10 years now, and also Cat’s ex. It’s caused a bit of angst for me, and I know for J too, dating a friend’s ex. I didn’t end up telling him, J did, a few weeks ago at an event, which…doesn’t make me feel amazing. I’m much closer to Indy than J is, I should have told him about Cat and I, but I just couldn’t. If it had gone on much longer I was planning on writing him a letter – I’m much better at it than that – but I was very much expecting him to completely flip out and hate me forever and forever. That hasn’t happened, which I’m super relieved about. We talked about it tonight, cleared the air. It was really very good to talk to him. He let me rant a bit, and it was so nice to talk to someone who was very firmly Team Enaera, who I’m not sleeping with, and who could sympathise with me a bit. ‘Gah! I just hate it when she did [this thing]!’ ‘OH GOD YES RIGHT?? Once time [blah blah anecdote blah blah].’ ‘UGH. Y dis. Y.’ Anyhoo, it was a great time of talking, food, and also just hanging out with a friend.
The usual cut because I care <3
I’m driving down to City M in mid Jan to see Prince again, and not like I’m counting but today is 22 days until I go. I’m going to be down there for my birthday - what a memorable birthday it will be. I miss him a lot, and I’ve got more words stored up about that. Jerkbrain is mostly being manageable wrt Prince. Sometimes he’ll be a bit quiet and I have to stop my brain going ‘welp, that’s been fun, but clearly he’s bored with you now’. No, brain. That’s not how it works, or at least, that’s not how *this* works. I still lowkey worry I’m taking up too much space in his life, but not as much as I first did. When I do get in that worry space I have to remind myself he’s a grown up and can make these kind of decisions regarding how much time and energy he has and can give to me.
Prince found out my name for him here, and he’s a bit delighted. Thank the lord for that *intense blushing*. He’s been reading through this blog, poking around, taking his time and going through the archives *waves, blows a kiss*. It’s sparked a few interesting discussions already, as well as the sweetest affirmations and support. He’s very…nice. Lovely. Sweet. Sexy. And gosh, so much more. I’m trying to not be too gushy and gross in a public space, but…he’s a Very Nice Person and I’m Very Happy.
J has been incredibly supportive of my relationship with Prince. I’ve been trying not to overshare with him or dump too much NRE on him – which has been hard, because I want to run around with confetti and a megaphone – but he’s been a very supportive person. Very positive, ‘sounds like fun, I think you’re relationshipping well, doing the LDR thing good’ etc.
I have, instead, dumped my NRE on *other* friends – my sister and Marion, for a start. They are both very amused by me and my very sappy, gross state. Conversation with Sister – me: Blah blah sappy stuff blah blah
Sister: OMG I am ded. You cheeseball Enaera.
Cutting because I care. And editing to put this line in because Tumblr mobile is sad.
I feel like I'm drowning in you tonight. No, drowning implies sadness, overwhelming, struggling, as well as bad endings. Sinking, maybe? Surrounded? Like...imagine you're standing on an overhang, back to the fall, but you know it's only a tiny drop, maybe a few cms, and there's a huge cushion of mattress…stuff to catch you. Even if there's not, well, it's only a tiny drop. You'll be fine, you talk to yourself. You walk to the drop, ready for a bit of fun, turn around, and carefully shuffle to the ledge. You check behind you once last time, then face forwards and ready yourself for the fall backwards.
You glance behind you at that critical point of no return, when it’s too late to stop yourself. Oh shit…time stops for a moment. Your face flushes with fear, your heart beat picks up from a flood of adrenaline, and your brain struggles to process what’s happened. That short drop has, all of a sudden, turned in to a serious fall. You’re stories high, on a cliff, and you can’t see the mattress to fall on to. Too late now. You shut your eyes and surrender to the inevitable pain. Sure, fun on the way down, but that looming stop is on your mind. How will you be able pick yourself up after that?
Only then you notice something different. You open your eyes to see you're surrounded by clouds - still falling, but safe. You're breathing them in, you can taste them on your tongue, you feel them on your skin. And you know you're safe and can just...relax, enjoy the ride, feel the wind, let the clouds hold you.
It's a nice feeling? Exciting. Enjoyable. Fun. Affirming, for both self and life.
Tldr: Broke up with Cat; Introducing: Prince (finally!); Prince is awesome and we’re doing really well. My people, generally, are awesome and also the best.
Goodness. It’s been a while. I have been meaning to make an angsty post about Cat, but it’s been long enough that I seem to have processed most of that angsty, or let it go.
So. I broke up with Cat. Just over two weeks ago. Gosh it was a good decision. I feel like I should have done it a long time ago. But it’s done now, and I’m feeling so much better for it. I’m sleeping through the night, eating well, and feeling happier. The sleeping thing, in particular, has been a problem for me for a few months, and the past few weeks I’ve been sleeping so very well. Through the *whole* night.
It was a difficult conversation. I’ve never done that before, so I had no idea about how to even start. How do I find the language to say ‘Hey, thanks but I’d like to not date you anymore’ without grievously hurting someone? Apparently, there is no language for that, not really. I just had to use my words, say what I had to, answer some questions as best as I could, and then leave. I don’t think I was able to actually answer of her questions satisfactorily, because she was looking for ‘but whyyy’, and eventually I said something like ‘ok, this is not helpful to either of us now, I’m going to go to bed’. She said a few mean things about me, and about some of my other people, but I kind of just..let her have her say. I realise that her words came from a place of pain and sadness, so, she took a few shots at me and I let her. It wasn’t pleasant, but *shrug* I came out the other side alright.
J has sometimes found himself in a bit of a trick situation since then. He’s very close to two people who have just broken up with each other, and has felt quite torn as to where to go, what to do. I’ve been coping fairly well, so he spent the rest of that night with her, and the one after, I think. Generally speaking, J hasn’t felt like he’s been splitting his time very well, and I agree. I don’t mind being put to the side during crisis situations, but either Cat is always in crisis situations, or she’s got some dealing to do with relationships. Either way, this is not sustainable. I’ve asked J to spend three nights this week with me, and I’m hoping to get sex a bunch too. Pls. Pls sex yes.
I spoke to my sister that night, a bit, and she was amazingly helpful. I have the best sister, honestly, she’s such a wonderful person. I have really enjoyed spending time with her lately, both in person and through various technologies. She was the first person I told I was going to break up with Cat, and she was who I reached out to after it happened. Sister and I have connected and chatted quite a bit this year, and I’m loving having a closer relationship with her.
Cutting because I care.
Things with the new person are going oh so very well. He’s great. Like. Gosh. He’s very. Yes. *ahem* And fuck it, I’m tentatively naming him Prince. His gender/gender presentation is a bit squishy, he can sing, and he’s hot af, so *obviously*, it’s a perfect fit. Prince was also a person he looked up to for a lot of different things. So, Prince it is. We’ll see how that works.
So. Prince. We’re dating and it’s going well. Have plans to come down and see him in January. It’s going to be good. Very good. I have bought him a Christmas gift - it’s a thing that requires a bit of explanation, but suffice to say I think it’s suitably sweet and thoughtful. Hopefully he thinks so too. I’ll be with him over my birthday too, which is a Very Happy Birthday to me! A very happy birthday indeed.
He’s really sweet and I enjoy spending time with him so very much. We seem very compatible in a lot of ways. It’s all very easy so far. I expect eventually the ldr will catch up with us, but so far so very good.
Jizz has been overwhelmingly sweet and supportive wrt to Prince. I worry that Jizz is carrying around a bunch of guilt about our relationship, and about how his relationship with Cat has affected us and me (he does, and it has, but that’s ok) and he won’t feel comfortable talking to me about Prince if he needs to, but, well, I can’t do a whole lot about that. I kind of need to take J at his word there.
I’m feeling so very loved and cared for, from a lot of different people wrt Prince. All of his people have been very supportive of us relationshiping; and all of mine have been too. A few friends of mine have said it’s very cute to see me falling for someone, and so happy. Prince shared with me a few things some of his people have said to him wrt me, and I just...I feel hugged and special. There’s one person in particular whose support makes me especially happy and loved. Their good opinion means a lot to me.
Tldr: nice things update! Finished uni, bought a car, got some nice pens, new thing with as-yet-unnamed-person going very nicely.
Gosh, Tumblr, so much to tell you. Most of it good this time! I’m overflowing with good things just presently, and I thought I’d share it with you, instead of being my dumping grounds.
I finished uni!! For good! ...again! My initial teacher studies are done. And I’ve passed everything! I got my results back for my last two assessments, and I passed them! Actually ended up getting credits, which absolutely means I passed them. Thank goodness. The past year and a half has been pretty flipping full on with uni and I’m so glad it’s over. I’ve learnt a lot and I’m really looking forward to actually using these skills at work, finding ways to combine the theory I’ve done with the actual practice I’m doing. I may find a use for the word ‘pedagogy’ yet!
I’m really excited about work the next fortnight. I’m doing the lesson planning, and I’m hoping it goes well and the students get a lot out of it. I’m really excited about the possibilities.
I bought a car! It’s a Mazda3 and I really like it. I keep seeing it out the front and wonder for a moment ‘Bloody hell, whose car is that parked out the front? Rude!’ until I remember it me! I parked my car out there! It’s shiny and beautiful. I drove it to work this morning and it was a lovely drive. A slow drive, but not because of the car, because I was stuck behind a bunch of slow people. I’m actually really looking forward to going driving! Which has never happened before.
New pens have arrived at the post office! Should be picked up either tomorrow, by Jizz, or Friday afternoon, by me, when I go home. I’ve been fountain pen-less for a few months now, since a student nicked my pen in class, and I’ve been really missing me. The fact that I no longer have uni notes to write and I’m just now getting around to replacing my pen is something I’m not impressed about. Timing, wot. But I’m still writing things, just not uni notes. I won’t take another good pen into the classroom. To a desk in a staff room, perhaps, but not to a classroom. I’m still buying relatively expensive pens for normal writing, but not, like, $50 upwards plus ink and stuff. More like $4 a pen. I just can’t write with cheap, crappy pens for any length of time. They hurt my hands and fingers.
Bought tickets to the music concert this weekend. I’m going to see live music! In the town I live in! Which is exciting! Good music too! Actually a lot of nice things going down with regards to having money around, which is also amazing. Super enjoying being able to eat food without worrying about budget too much.
Cutting because I care.
Things with this new person continue, and gosh, continue so well. One of the things I’ve been worrying about is attraction fading once we actually get to hang out again in meatspace, but I don’t think that’s a worry I need to keep. I think that, gosh, that’s not going to be a problem. *fans face* my golly gosh nope not going to be a problem.
And I swear one day I’ll name him! I am super shy about this bit because, ugh, brain noise. Getting involved with friends or people in my friend network is easier said than done. Which is RIDICULOUS and SILLY and the more I tell myself that the more I panic and second guess myself. I’ll do it eventually. I’ve got names in mind but...look. Choosing a name for someone seems to make me vunerable? I don’t understand? But it’s a thing, at least for now.
I’ve been doing a lot of writing by long hand about this person. Stuff I’m not comfortable putting on the internet, for whatever reason. I’m so very happy and excited about it all, and it makes me a little sad there’s no one I have I can really share this excitement with. I just want to wallow in the nre, but there’s no one I’m comfortable sharing that with at the moment. Plus, also, yanno, I suspect I’m a bit sickly sweet at the moment. Too gross, too cute. So, anyhoo, lots of writing. I think if I didn’t have any kind of outlet I’d actually be upset, but I’m doing something with these words and feelings, so eh.
Tldr: A wedding coming up has prompted discussion and an ultimatum from Cat regarding who is going.
Have a friend’s wedding coming up in mid-November. Jizz and I were invited. Cat was not. This is turning into a Thing for Cat. When the invitation arrived I quite bluntly said that I didn’t think our relationship was close enough that I would take her as my date, but perhaps she could talk to Jizz about going as her date (and talked a bunch about other things too, but that was the relevant bit for right now). I’ve talked to Jizz since then about the wedding and stated my preference Cat not join us, for a number of reasons, which he shared. I haven’t probed deeply because I just do not want to know or to deal, this is a problem for the two of them, but Jizz mentioned the other night that Cat’s issued a kind of an ultimatium. I’m guessing it’s something like ‘take me or we break up’ and..
Oh my gosh what a trainwreck. Jizz has never had to really stand up for himself with me (*finger guns* emotional labour eeyyyyyyy) and he’s not very good at saying no generally, so...I have no idea what’s going to happen here.
I get she’s in a very insecure place at the moment - she’s really feeling the couple privilege that Jizz and I have (which we’re all trying to work around and through), and given the imbalance between her and I in regards to feelings, I understand why she might be feeling a bit...off balance. With good reason, perhaps. I’m really enjoying the space between us at the moment, both physical and emotional, and so I’ve been enjoying the time I do get to spend with her more.
I don’t even. Selfishly, perhaps, I’m keeping my nose out of it. I’m going to go and have a wonderful time celebrating my friend’s relationship and have a flipping fantastic party, and people around me will do what they will.
So many good pull quotes! Relevant right now:
"You can love however many people you want, but there are only 24 hours in a day. Not all of us can afford to live within walking distance of all of our partners or afford a job that doesn’t run us ragged most of the week. It would be great if time and resources were as infinite as love, but they just aren’t. And it’s helpful to realise that."
I'm not a beginner and these are things that I've learnt, slowly, to varying degrees, but I still found the reassurance helpful.
Tldr: body image and weight loss/gain talk, without specific numbers.
Never mind exactly what I weigh or my measurements - that’s not important. What’s important is that my body has fat on it, and at some points in my life there’s been more fat than at others. I have an hourglass shape, fairly consistently, regardless of what else I’m doing.
I’ve lost weight in the past year, back to what I used to be circa 2013. I have mixed feelings about this.
1. I like how I look better with less weight.
2. I hate that I like how I look better with less weight.
3. Physically, it’s easier to move around with less fat on my body
4. I’m glad to be fitting back into older clothes, and sad to now have a bunch of clothes that are slightly too big. I had just given in to the idea that I wasn’t going to get smaller again and had bought bigger sizes of some things.
5. I feel really conflicted because I *know* Jizz finds me more attractive the less fat I have on me. Presumably to a point, but still. Every time he tells me he loves me or he thinks I’m attractive or whatever, in my head I can’t help but say ‘yeah, until I put on weight’.
6. I lost weight from my boobs and have gone back down a cup size!! Happy days!!
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