The Spiritual Community is getting on my nerves
Spirituality is weird, it's like a cult, but without giving it the title. It creeps on you, very vague, hidden, and tucked away. Wouldn't tell you much, but suggests it. Suggests it so obviously, right in front of my face, but it makes you question if I've imagined it, or if I am the kind of person who believes in such things.
I could almost swear, I've had an awakening. I was me one minute, the next minute this me has become a cast-away image of a blind confused person. The one way I can describe it, is 'I woke up'. There is a transformation happening that I cannot put in words, and as big as the earthquake that happened, everything and everyone else look exactly the same.
I almost feel like I have come to realizations, not that I am a scientist or special or anything, that I thought, of course, everyone else realized the same thing, but when I talk to them, I can see very clearly that they are similar to the old me. But I have changed, oooh I have changed, in what seems to be a split second... but when I look back, I know it started very subtly a very long time ago. All the signs were there, I was pulled to things that I have rationalized away, but underneath it all, it's all been there, but I didn't see it, I couldn't see it.
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. In 2nd grade, I was already built-in with the desire to not be here. I never wanted to be here, never wanted to be alive. I know this sounds suicidal and for a while, I thought I was, but I wasn't. I just don't care to be here, I so don't care to be here, that I couldn't believe how much work you need to put in, just to be alive. Dealing with other people, people in my own family, weighed so much on me. My mother was terrifying. She was always upset. She blamed everything in life on us, she was miserable because of us. Everything was terrible because of us. I believed her when I was a child, I believed that I was to blame for everything. I carried the shame she wanted me to carry. I still carry some of it, the logical side of my brain still likes to carry some guilt, as a precaution ... just in case in some psychological analysis, it turns out that I contributed to her being who she is.
I heard a few people say, that everything in my life, I have manifested. This, on some level, makes sense. I do believe in past and upcoming lives, and in souls reincarnating themselves in different people. This sounds crazy to the person I used to be, in my religion, it wasn't mentioned, and not you weren't supposed to be asking too many questions.
At this moment, it makes much more sense to me how manifestation works, because if I have manifested everything in my life, even the painful things, from a previous life, or karma from a previous life. I have a side of me that can be cruel, really, brutal. I probably unleashed that part in a previous life. And now I am paying for it in my health, my mental health, and my physical health. I am 36, and I feel like I barely lived, because I've always been sick. Terrible migraines, that would stay for days, I couldn't do anything. The pain was always the most terrible pain I would ever have. I feared it so much. I still do.
Then with time, my mental health started declining too. I have been depressed. Bed-ridden depressed for months. The act that I would put up to hide it, you would think I am Angelina Jolie in 'Salt', very well and able of hiding her emotions. But many times, I wouldn't bother hiding it, even from people at work, I just didn't have the strength. Hiding things requires strength, a lot of emotional strength, that has been waining. In one of Anodea Judith's books, she talks about the demon of the throat chakra, lies. And my throat chakra has been blocked, that's the one thing it was apparent was blocked. I couldn't stop stuttering. It was embarrassing. It is still embarrassing when I do it, but luckily I don't stutter as much anymore, I think people barely notice it. Most people.
But I had to lie, cause no one would understand. My life ended up being dependent on it, no one could know what I was doing, everything was illegal. Anything that strikes a beautiful chord with you is illegal. You can't love, you definitely can't fall in love with someone outside your religion. It's illegal, there is a punishment, you could lose your life for falling in love under their law. You can't have pleasure, that too is illegal. Your body is a sin to be covered. Your voice as well, shut that up too. They had all their twisted absurdities to explain it all away. I don't think any of them actually tried thinking. Why would they? Their brain is only designed as a vessel to memorize what they have been told, it's a memory reserve. Even though productivity rule #1, is that your brain is not made for storing things, it is made to think. But how dare I think and cast doubt, I must submit. To who? To them?
Anyways, I lied so many times, I used up my reserve of lies, it's like that Denzel Washington in that pilot movie, he couldn't tell one more lie. Just one more lie to save himself from prison. I defended my lies, I was lying to protect my right to live, really live. And now I am unable to tell any more lies, about who I am, what I think, and what I feel. If you ask me, I would tell you, I have no energy left to hold up a lie anymore, to polish anything. Most people can handle a bit of bluntness, even when you take them aback. They call me open, honest, and vulnerable. I doubt I am any of these, I am just tired, too tired to play along.
I think I have paid quite a bit of my karmic debt, that's why I have earned this new beginning, and have earned my depression letting go of me a bit, even though it does like to glare at me from a distance, it is quite unnerving, especially with me being the only one who can see it. If it strikes again, I know I will have to either go back to the everything-is-okay dance, even with myself or bare it all again, how embarrassing.
Anyways, back to the title of this post, my gripe with the spiritual community. It doesn't seem to acknowledge mental health issues. It almost acts as if I am imagining my depression, that it is not real. Sounds too close for comfort to the religion I grew up in, several religions in fact. It is something 'we tell ourselves. A couple of spiritual guides and healers have said something similar, including my therapist if I can call what she does therapy. Healing is a more appropriate word, it insinuates what to expect, but she kept using the word therapy, that I thought someone who does therapy is a therapist.
I need a real therapist, and maybe have a healer on the side to add extra polish. I can't entirely rely on her to help me back on my feet.
I was offended, by their views on mental health, very condescending and problematic. It made me realized how much of a religion-like religion this is. They wouldn't call themselves part of a religion though, not openly. But the similarities are too obvious. The same religious structure with a few edits, the same look rebranded to fit with the times. I just ran away from one religion, and I am all too eager to jump into the next one. But I do like to adopt a 'scientist' mentality, which is an archetype of the way of thinking. Apparently, this mentality doesn't like to rule out any possibility, listens to all arguments, and just proceeds with what makes sense at the time, but when more evidence tip the scale in one direction, then they are open to change their minds and adopt the better-proven theory. It is difficult for a Taurus to change her mind about something, that's probably part of the reason why I am having such a hard time fully accepting this. This new spiritual world, and count myself part of it. Me and those weirdos belong to the same club? No.
Sometimes I am all in, just today I was browsing Etsy for more crystals believing those bracelets can cast their magic on me. I want to go to New Orleans, to get to know the black magic community there and elsewhere. Wanting to buy candles from witches, believing that the mix of my magic and theirs would do the trick. Who am I? This is absurd.
I do believe though that there is a part of the spiritual community that would work for me. I need to find my tribe, just like I am looking to find my tribe among the physical world. I feel like I am almost there, even though I still feel so alone and isolated, I almost feel dead.
One thing the spiritual community needs to do more of, is to talk like they got some sense. They say too many ridiculous things for me to take in all at once. I am a beginner here, talk to me like I am a muggle. Also, fake spiritual people should seriously stop it, they are ruining it for everybody.
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