I am wasting my Life.
Today,at 2:19 pm I came into the conclusion that I am wasting my life,I will never be able to get out of the hole which I have been dug into by myself,my parents,and the system.
Before this I felt that I was actually wasting my life but now I'm sure of it.
I hate commerce and I have to do it for a living now.If only the 15 year old me had a choice.Well if it wasn't sciences to save face in teh society commerce was the low.If you take Arts or Humanities you're already considered a deadweight for your parents,their money and this Earth.
I have always been pretty confused with my life.I was really not good at anything.I liked some things and I didn't like somethings.However I was never good in things I liked and I sucked at the things that I didn't like.
I tried.I tried really hard.I am very lazy and my laziness is a demon I could never overcome.Is this a suicide note?It feels like a suicide note.I usually try to put some lane jokes in my blog posts but this one is far too melancholic.
I feel I'm a jack of many trades and a master of none.I did like music a lot though and If maybe I could have learnt an instrument or two I'd have definitely tried to master a piano or a guitar my entire life.I'd like to make Electronic music.I love Electronic music.I don't have a laptop but the day I get one I'm gonna try my best to make some music.
There is cutthroat competition in this life.You have to be better then the rest if you want to make a decent living.I don't know why it's a norm for parents to push their kids into learning things that they don't want toto.We just wanted to do something different.I don't know what's so wrong with that.
I don't have many friends.I do have some but they're all busy with their own lives and I'm very lonely these days.Im still smiling for the social media though don't worry you won't see my black and white side until it's a filter.
I'm dying in this room.They tell me to consider myself lucky.They tell me I should feel privileged.Maybe I shouldn't have listened to them.If only I was a bit stronger then I wouldn't have been what I am now.
I look in the mirror and I don't like what I see.I see a loser.I am a loser.I am not denying that.I have never came first in anything.Ive never won a golden medal and Ive never got a standing ovation.Do you have to get one of these to make yourself feel like you're worth something?
I don't know,I was brought up to believe In worth something If I came first in something.I tried.I tried my best.But I shrugged all my loses with a smile.
In my heart I only had good thoughts.But at the back of my mind The Devil was poking his trident and was yelling that I'm useless.
It hurt.It hurt bad but I shrugged it off with a smile.
I tried to look at world differently.But different only means problems.I was labeled as mad,weird and a lot of other names.For that I really didnt care.I was only doing myself and I didn't care if I was being laughed at.But myself was too weak.Too incompetent and I was never the person I was that I thought I was in my head.
If only I had been stronger,wiser and more of a person who played by the rules I might've been liked by others.But that was never my style.You only get stick for doing things differently.
If I knew somethings that I know now in high school I mightve been bolder in my decisions and have not got into the commerce stream.
I don't know how this became a monologues of me shouting my problems philosophically when all I wanted to tell you that I did not want to get into commerce.
The things is.I can't even get out of it now.Im already in too deep.I hate the subjects and In failing in classes however my mind is still wandering.Guilt is a Schrodinger's cat.I might have it some time when I succumb to what others are saying and it goes away when I'm reading quotes by a famous people who made it on what they wanted to do in life.
I still don't know what I want to do in life.Or maybe I don't know what I can do in life.
Life is a bitch.Its laughing at me while I'm writing this.Of late I have not been feeling much.I can't make up my mind If I want to give up on my hopes and succumb to the wishes of others or fight them.I want to fight them but I don't have the will or neither the strength.I have never felt alive since being born. Sometimes I wish I was there born.I'd have definitely said no if there were people asking if you want to be born or not.
If I actually leave everything to do what I actually want to do I'd be the black sheep of the family for years to come.I can't waste these years people would say but All I'm thinking about is all the years I'm gonna waste in the future if I actually keep on doing this.
What will the people say?
What will you do?
What can you do?
How will you do that?
Today,at 2:19 pm I came into the conclusion that I am wasting my life,I will never be able to get out of the hole which I have been dug into by myself,my parents,and the system.
I'm staring at the grey ceiling and I feel like life isn't worth living.What are doing anyway?We are already slaves to rich and the government.
What's the point in living? You do what you're doing until the day you can't do it anymore and then you wait for death? Is that there's all to life? Aren't we all wasting our lives?
Or is it just me punching a virtual keyboard and writing a blog post about it?haqn
Ouch.The Phone just fell on my face and I realise now that have to complete my assignment on Incorporation of a Company.Well not use trying to get out of it now anyway.Ill just smoke another carton of Marlboro reds and continue living this prefect nightmare.