Lost.

i'm okay, actually. 21, chemistry student, lesbian, and not about to give up anymore. beware, i've had this blog since i was 13 and most of my posts are just that old.

[endxofxtime]

i love you i love you i love you

the two most important human beings in my life. my very best friend, though it feels weird to call her "friend", for that word sounds too mundane for who she is to me. she is so much like me and i am so much like her and there is so much trust and understanding that is in some cases nowhere else to be found. and my romantical partner who i live with, who i trust deeply and who i enjoy laughing, cooking, existing, playing bard games and so much more with. we share our secrets and fall asleep cuddling every night and sometimes fight but always make it up thoroughly

i love you more than i thought i was capable of a few years ago

[endxofxtime]

trigger warning in case anyone ends up reading this, although unlikely. i suddenly remembered something from 7-9 years ago last week and am rambling about it but totally fine. it just belongs on tumblr more than it does elsewhere

i used to think i was not doing bad enough to deserve help and just faking it (what exactly??) at like 13-15 while i was crying myself to sleep every night and just feeling so lonely and sad in that stupid group home. and i remembered last week all of a sudden how ... i ran away to spend a night in the forest just because i couldn't take it anymore? took a train to the netherlands trying to buy various painkillers because i had heard from someone it was easier to get things there that could work for suicide? took a stupid amount of those in hopes of dying and threw up into my sink in my room for the entire night but never told any of the people in charge and also obviously didn't die, just had a persisting stomachache and sickness for a few days, so they never knew? tried and half a year later had success in being taken to a psych doctor because after the aforementioned stupid attempt i wanted to be prescribed sleeping medication and antidepressants so i could save them up to commit suicide? in fact went through with that and pretended to swallow a pill in the office every night to then spit it out in my room while lying about it not working to get an increased dosage? and so after a while i ended up with over a hundred stupid antidepressant and sleeping pills and was not actively sufficiently suicidal to take all of them at the time but just kept them with me in case, and sometimes on a bad weekend took 5-8 pills to just knock myself out entirely for a day and a half. but yeah by that point i was 16 and living in my own flat and thought of (by caregivers) as a girl who had her life in order and was to be trusted with all kinds of things. and i am wondering what the hell happened there now. nobody even realized. but yeah, i was also ver much not talking about it and going to school without complaining and someone else for sure always was in trouble and there was enough drama to keep everyone from looking too closely. and maybe they also just didn't care. and this one person, her initials are s.s., she still makes me go mad when i think about her. i feel sorry for all the children under her care

shouting this into the tumblr void where my ugly past does not seem quite as hideous as in my normal pretending life now. some people know about some pieces of truth, but memories like written above, that is not what you can tell people about without having them worried. how can the girl who did all that be the same person i am now? there is no sense to it? i feel so disconnected from everything that happened in my life before i turned 19. feels like i inherited someone else's fragments of memory and just popped into life out of nothing, really. but my therapist and i are working on that

when i had to draw a lifeline in therapy, i ended up drawing three different ones. child me with parents, a fantasy figure with a few bad stories to tell. teen me in the psych wards and group homes, fragments of memories, but those cannot possibly be mine? and me now, working, studying, having friends, being a person. connections between the three do not quite exist. i am kind of whole and kind of broken

and now i'm gonna leave tumblr for another year or so, write that stupid lab report that is due soon, study for that exam in two weeks and eat some chocolate and take a shower and sleep the way that the person i am now does those things. pretentious, but kind of in a good way. and after all i at least finally found that good therapist i was hoping to find forever, at a time where my life is stable enough to finally do the work and think about my past and stop pushing it away. maybe one day i'll feel truly whole

[endxofxtime]

two of my friends broke up today (12122024). they've been together for as long as i've known them, and living together also. things are going to be tough for a while now, as they live together with two other friends and their relationship and living situation obviously has an impact on those two people as well. and i am friends with all of them. and there is an event over the christmas break, ten days long and we are all going to be there, plus a lot more people. it is going to be interesting

[endxofxtime]

two of my friends broke up today (12122024). they've been together for as long as i've known them, and living together also. things are going to be tough for a while now, as they live together with two other friends and their relationship and living situation obviously has an impact on those two people as well. and i am friends with all of them. and there is an event over the christmas break, ten days long and we are all going to be there, plus a lot more people. it is going to be interesting

[endxofxtime]

exam time in 2 hours. i'm sick with a cold that includes a fever and mainly because of that i've not slept properly in days. somebody save me from this fuckery, i wanna sleep. somehow i keep going to bed only after all of my roommates are sound asleep and yet getting up hours before them, what even is this. well, guess i'm gonna study some more now before i've gotta leave so my scholarship program won't be mad at me, because those people do expect good grades from me and i do need their damn money

[insanityhue-deactivated20240915]

Having the female urge to kiss a girl. To feel her skin and know how soft she is. To smell her perfume on her clothes. To See her smile at me while I tell her how much I love her.

[endxofxtime]

here we go again, i am once more writing stupid lab reports after midnight. i do like writing them, technically. latex and chemdraw, whoop whoop. just ... so tired. i lowkey miss having a girlfriend. it feels weird to admit that but i think it is true

[shadow27]

[witchofprose-deactivated2020041]

This is the FUNNIEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN

[untitled12573]

Reblogging for cultural enrichment

[lab-gr0wn-lambs]

bout time I brought back the Laurel and Hardy flex tape-

[knitmeapony]

From The Killers, 1946. A Film Noir Classic

[theprofessional-amateur]

I’m an archivist, behold my growing collection was of old photos mirroring timeless memes I’ve come across at various places I’ve worked.

[fairieicedtea]

enemies to lovers but it's me and myself

[datadegroove-deactivated2026042]

don't forget to be really stupid and weird at school, or work, or simply in the comfort of your home today

[endxofxtime]

i love that i now have a home worth missing when i am not around

like, i grew up trying to avoid being at home at any given point and never really having friends over, i always went to their places instead and secretly envied them for their warm homes and nice parents. what i have now is unbelievably worthy to me

i love my roommates. they are people i actually really care about who actually really care about me. we cuddle a lot and we have deep conversations and we solve conflicts that arise sometimes and we go grocery shopping together and we say hello to each other when we come home and when it is someone's birthday the others bake a cake and decorate the place. no romantic complications or anything like that, we are just a group of 4 people who are kind of close to each other and who share everyday life

we all study different things, we have our own friend groups and hobbies and stuff, but they give me something i didn't think i would ever have - a comforting and safe place to call home. soft hugs to sink into after an exhausting day. the will to communicate healthily and solve conflicts. i am so, so thankful

the people i care about most in this world are not romantic partners and not people i am blood-related to, and i love it that way

[sotick]

[frachella]

[blxck-coffee-dad]

“yeah no” is one of the best phrases in contemporary English.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

eventually you realize you don’t want to die. you just don’t want to live the life you’re living. and slowly you try to create a life you want to live. just gotta start there.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

no one needs to add “sounds fake but ok”, “no”, “well, not me”, “impossible”, etc. to this post. and i’d rather you not.

[duckbunny]

one day you think: I want to die.

and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book.

and I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun

I want a cleaner kitchen

I want a better job

I want to live somewhere else

I want to live

[endxofxtime]

sorry neighbours i NEED this smoothie

yes i need it now

at 2am

sorry

[endxofxtime]

well sometimes the vibe is to dance in your kitchen in nothing but underwear

all by yourself and at night

because life is good and also because why the hell not