Tales of an Enigmatic Dad

Marriage, Divorce, Parenting and Moving On...

[enigmaticdad-blog]

No matter what I tried, I couldn’t fix you, my love. You always resented the the idea that people supposedly thought something was wrong with you. I never believed anything was truly wrong, but I felt like I was never doing enough to support your happiness. But maybe, just maybe, it was actually something wrong with me all along. And you couldn't fix me. Either way, here we are.

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Saying Goodbye...

It’s been a long two weeks, loyal reader.  I haven’t had time to get all of my thoughts recorded.

K along with O went with me to Ikea two Sundays ago to get the furniture for my room (essentially a futon, that turned out to be surprisingly comfortable).

It felt strange that first night on my own.  Empty.  The lack of her energy next to me.  Even though things had gotten cold between us, there was still immense comfort in sleeping next to her -- smelling her scent, listening to her breathe, just being in shared space.  

I went hunting for a place to live for a while that was nearby.  I lucked into a room rental that is literally two minutes from our house.  The bedroom is nice. The house is in good shape.  The roommates seem okay and the landlord isn’t a douche.  (At least not yet).   I’m signing a 6-month lease tomorrow and moving in on Wednesday.  

K went out last night and stayed in a hotel.  There’s more to that story, but it’s not the time to tell it.   The idea was to ostensibly give me a final night where I could focus on my kids.  But M was off with her boyfriend, N was in his room doing his thing, and O was clingy as usual.  She had a sleepover in my room.  But I was so distracted, thinking about all that I am losing, that I wasn’t very good company.

Made the ever popular ambiguous “need some love” post on Facebook and got tremendous response.  Sort of makes me feel better but not really.  Although I did have a number of people reach out to me directly via Messenger, all of whom were let in on the reason for the message.  

This morning, had a good cry with M.  She gets it and knows that she has to be the one to be strong for N and O, at least for now, since K is kind of off in her own world -- her elation at finally being “free”.  I hate to put her in that position.  I told her how much I love her and that I’m doing the best I can to make sure their lives don’t have to change any more dramatically than they already have.   K came home and it was awkward.  M went to get us fast food breakfast.   K left to see her brother and sister-in-law.   Took O to dance class.  Played Rock Band with N.  Then I started gathering up a few days worth of stuff to take to my parents.  Two of M’s friends came over and had to witness me making my preparations to leave.  I tried to hold it together.  K once again came home just as I was finishing up and seemed in a hurry to get me out the door.  We had a couple minutes alone and I tried to control it, but started tearing up.  She got so angry with me, saying that I needed to get it together and stop crying because it was all some kind of show, a way of making a grand exit, vilifying her on my way out.  I tried to explain that it was just raw emotion and was hard to control, but in the end, because I still care for K, I tried my best to control myself.  Gave each of the kids a kiss, said goodbye to K and walked out the front door for the last time as a married couple living under the same roof. 

It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

Made it to the car before I totally lost it.  Sat there for at least 5 or 10 minutes bawling like a baby.  Finally got on the road and here I sit at my folks’ house.  Welcome to the new normal.

[enigmaticdad-blog]

One last look from our deck...

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Breaking the news...

Long week. Told my parents on Monday. Told my employees the same day. Told my brother yesterday. It’s hard to vocalize as it makes it real. No more living in denial.

Then came the kids. This was what I dreaded the most. (Yes, I know I said that already.)

K and I went to couples therapy again on Friday (likely for the last time.) The only real point of it was to get some strategies on how to break the news to our 3 kids. It was a productive session and we came away from it feeling okay.

We had one more event to get through. M’s senior night at her school. We all walked together on the track at halftime of the football game. Arm in arm. K and I on either side of her with N (our 13 year old son) and O (our 8 year old daughter) flanking us. It was a proud moment for us, but it was, for me, a difficult moment knowing that in less than 48 hours we were going to change their world forever.

So this morning, we called M and N into our bedroom and broke the news. N is high-functioning autistic, but he knows the score. He seemed more concerned about when mom was going to the grocery store. M, as a 17 year old girl, didn’t take it so hot. Tears as expected. No anger at us, just tears. We reassured her and held her. I cried with her (K was unhappy about that. More later on that). She calmed down and told us she would be strong for her brother and sister.

We then brought O in. And got exactly what we expected. “Please, please don’t divorce!” It took a long time to calm her down, but ultimately she’s a smart kid and will be able to adjust.

I think the concept of swapping time in the house is going to be a positive thing for them. Helping them maintain a sense of normalcy.

Now comes the hard part – actually beginning to untangle 18+ years of marriage. The logistics are daunting. My plan for the immediate future will be to stay with my parents. Not looking forward to it, but can’t really afford something at the moment. K will go stay with her mom when it’s my turn to be here.

I now have to set up my man cave here at the house. It’s hard to believe that last night was the last time I’ll share a bed with my best friend, lover and confidant for so many years. I didn’t sleep well. Maybe that’s a sign all its own.

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Certainty... and Uncertainty...

So it’s official. In therapy yesterday, K made it clear that she has no desire to work on the relationship and to keep fighting. She also said that she’s felt like a “Married Single Mom” for years. That was incredibly difficult to hear. I’ve carried a lot of guilt for years about not doing enough with the kids – and she says that work was just an excuse.

So now what? We have to figure out how to tell the kids. That’s the one thing I’m dreading the most…

And now I look down the road and have no idea what’s to come…

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Whatever Tomorrow Brings...

I’ll admit, readers, that I’m finding solace and getting ideas from song lyrics.  This one’s from Incubus’ “Drive”.  But in my case, tomorrow is going to be such a mixed bag.  Two, yes, two therapy sessions.  One with my own guy, which is going to be painful enough as I recount the week’s events.  Then an hour later, the marriage counselor.  I think all we’re going to get out of the counselor is how to talk to the kids.  This is really not something I’m looking forward to. 

I’ve told exactly one person…  One of my employees who just went through a divorce.  

My folks have a pretty good idea what’s going on, although I haven’t come out and said it yet.  That makes it too real for me, and I’m still in the denial stage right now.  

By Tuesday night I was trying to guide the conversation with K toward finding a path forward together.  She’s just having none of it and is pushing me to admit that I want to end it as well.  She has this huge notion that she can’t be seen as the “bad guy” in the collapse of the relationship.  I’m not sure why she cares, but this is part of her personality I suppose.  She’s also terrified that my mother is going to “poison” our youngest (we’ll call her O) against her.  

Tomorrow night is our oldest’s (M) homecoming game. She’s a senior and a captain of the cheerleading team, so this is kind of a big deal.  So I have to at least continue going through the motions through that (and probably through the following Friday night, “Senior Night” where K and I have to walk M across the track as she’s introduced.  K doesn’t want to tell the kids before then. 

And yet, we continue to share a bed.  I shower with the bathroom door open and change in front of her (and she changes in front of me).  It’s so hard to comprehend (although I guess it doesn’t matter if nudity doesn’t have any sexual connotations – which over the last few years especially has begun to mean less and less – more on that later).  

Maryland has some pretty strict laws regarding waiting periods for divorce.  It requires one year of complete separation – meaning that we cannot live under the same roof.  The problem is that, right now, I certainly can’t afford another place, much less one that can accommodate the kids, so we’re going to have to figure something out.  This stuff is hard. And I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about the financial hit I’m about to take, in a financial situation that is already tenuous at best.  

As I sit here alone if my office, I regret the time I haven’t spent with my kids.  Too many evenings are spent here.  Now my opportunities for quality time are going to be severely limited. It’s a cruel joke. 

I have so much more to talk about.  I’m keeping a running list in my phone of things I want to explore.  It’s almost stream-of-consciousness writing now, with just some basic outlines and structures.  I never was a very good writer of anything other than news copy (again, more on my background later).  So this is outside of my comfort zone, just as so many things are these days. 

Wish me luck as I make my way home and see what land mine I can step on tonight. 

And now I leave you with the Incubus song I was referencing in the title of this post.

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Quite symbolic to walk around without my ring on. I was a lot thinner when I got married. I'm not sure my finger will ever return to pre-wedding ring condition. By the way, nobody has noticed yet (or they just haven't said anything).

[enigmaticdad-blog]

I will go down with this ship, And I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love and always will be…

Dido, “White Flag” (2003)

[enigmaticdad-blog]

So It Begins... The Backstory...

So here we go.  I promised backstory, and backstory you shall have.  This is going to be a long read, split over many, many posts.  I think what I’ll attempt to do is work on the history at the same time as I post what’s happening each day (essentially side-by-side posts).  So you get a little of both.  

So lets begin...

Let me set the stage with a little about my upbringing.  Pretty damn vanilla.  Middle-class family in the DC suburbs.  Dad opened an auto shop when I was 2.  Mom worked office jobs off and on until I was about 8, but stopped to pursue a career in massage therapy.  Dad was 21 when I was born.  Mom was on her second marriage and was 29.  I have a half brother who was 7 when I was born.  

We lived in a nice middle-class house on a nice middle-class street and drove nice middle-class cars.  I got just about everything I ever wanted.  Mom was around.  Dad spent a lot of time at work starting the business in my younger years, but was always home in the evening.  He volunteered in my Cub Scout Pack and later in my Boy Scout Troop.  

I was a talkative kid, but did well in school and my folks always had (and still have) super-high expectations for me. I spent my middle school (it was called “Intermediate School” back then) years at our county’s magnet program for science and math.  Yes, folks, I was a huge geek.  It was there I first realized that I wasn’t so special.  I had been the big fish in the little pond at my elementary school, but now, head-to-head with the brightest kids from around the area, I was struggling to get by.  It even got to the point where my math teacher told me to my face that I’d never amount to anything.  Seriously.  This was an award-winning teacher, too.

When it came time for the process of applying the that magnet high school, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.  My grades were only “so-so” and I didn’t have a good day taking the test.  Of course, I didn’t make it and headed back to my “home” high school.  Once again, I could be the big fish.  It was embarrassing and comforting at the same time.

Imagine, if you will, a tiny little guy who only wore slacks, never jeans (I never found them comfortable until later on), had a baseball cap essentially glued to my head all the time and though he was king of the world.  Yeah, I was an obnoxious piece of shit when I got to high school.

I knew I was never going to be big enough to play sports.  My flat feet and “duck walk” didn’t lend itself to anything athletic. So I got as close to the jocks as I could... I started managing sports teams.  Football in the fall, Girls Basketball in the winter and Baseball in the spring.  And it was during basketball season of my freshman year where I met her.  K and I both managed the girls team together.  She was a year ahead of me and very much my opposite.  Black to my white. Quiet to my loud. Tall to my short. We never really talked much back then -- it would become clear later that she thought the same thing everyone else did -- that I was an obnoxious snot.  But she tolerated me, which was way more than anyone else really did.

My voice hadn’t even changed by that point, I smelled like teenage boy, I had pretty gross acne, and I’m not sure I was even 5 feet tall at that point (I’ve kind of blocked that out).  

One thing you’ll discover as you read about me (past and present) is that I’ve never been very good at making friends. Ever.  I had one best friend in elementary school (more on him later), but most of my friends, even through high school, were girls.  I think I was always that guy that wasn’t considered to be a threat.  You know, the “nice guy.”  

So K fit right into that mold -- someone who would tolerate me and at least talk to me as a friend.  

Things slowly began to change in the spring of that year (1992) when I let my inner theatre geek loose for the spring musical (it was “Bye, Bye, Birdie” that year). K was involved as part of the stage crew and I was a bit part in the show).  So as it turns out, we had a common interest.  Hmm...

Summer came and went... and thank God, a growth spurt.  I think I grew about 4 or 5 inches that summer.  Yes, my knees were killing me.  

That’s a good starting point for now.  Don’t worry, I’ll pick up the story.  And there will be plenty of detail.  I’m not going to gloss over things (which really pick up during my Junior year).  

Until next time...

[enigmaticdad-blog]

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain. With the world turning circles running 'round my brain. I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign, but it's my destiny to be the King of Pain...

The Police, “King of Pain” (1983)

[enigmaticdad-blog]

Day 6658... but really Day 1...

Welcome to my tale (or tales) of the beginning of the rest of my life.

Last night, my wife of 18+ years (18 years, 2 months and 21 days to be exact) and I decided to call it quits.  I’ve been struggling with this for a while -- whether or not it would be a mutual decision.  For along time, I had said that I would have stuck it out and continued working on me (and us), but she’s at a point where she believes there is no path forward.  I can’t negotiate feelings and desires, so it doesn’t make sense for me to keep pushing when there’s nothing left.

My plan is to use this tool to tell my story.  Mostly it’s for self-reflection, as I’m not certain anyone will ever find this, nor find it interesting.  Perhaps one day people will see my journey and it might help someone else. Or not. Either way, it’s important that I get the words out.

I’m going to try to break this up into manageable chunks and keep each post to one topic.  I’ll tell our backstory.  I’ll try to identify what went wrong.  And I’ll keep writing as my personal growth goes forward.

There will be tears. There will by profanity.  There will probably be some graphic discussion of sexuality.  Most of all, there will be release.

Thanks for coming along.

-A