unidentifieduser:destinyfulfilled

The Butcher. Parallax. Ophidian. Ion. Adara. The Predator. Proselyte.

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Some people go for walks when they get annoyed, or stressed, or angry. This must help because they continue to practice this behaviour. 

I however don’t get that relief. I’ve tried going for a walk. I don’t get any less annoyed, or stressed, or angry. 

I’m trying so fucking hard and it’s getting me nowhere but 3 steps back. I’m losing my mind. And my heart is breaking. 

*I really wanted to put this post in my public tumblr but I just want to write and speak without being judged. Which is the cowards way out. 

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there is no title. it’s just a though.

I go to my room like it means anything, like it means I have something to do. But I don’t. And it still feels better than staying in a place where you feel unwanted. It’s not a great situation. There’s no way to make it a better situation without leaving it entirely. So I’ll wait it out. Alone. Let’s not pretend it’s anything but. I put myself in an impossible situation. The only solace I have is the knowledge that I didn’t know it would be like this so I can reassure myself that I don’t wantonly pursue punishment.  

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Okay. Another one of these posts.

Okay so I feel like shit right now this second. Right this second I feel like crying. So that is why I am going to tell you all about why I feel this way so that I don’t feel this way anymore. Every time I have wrote one of these posts I have felt much better by the end of it. 

I feel this way because I feel sad. I feel sad because I feel like I have no worth. I feel like I have no worth because I am not chosen. I feel like a I have no worth because I am not a first priority. I feel like I have no worth because there is no ‘longing’ to spend time with me. This makes me feel like I have no worth. 

Now the problem here is that all of these reasons as to why I have no worth depend on other people. I cannot give any worth to myself. I am incapable of doing this. I have never done this before and I do not know how to value myself objectively. When I try to look at myself and add value to my self worth all I can see are the failures, mistakes and shortcomings; because of this I can find no good thing about myself. 

I do not know how to fix this. I do not know how to like myself like this. I do not know how to change the way I feel about myself. I cannot look at myself and say “You did a good job here!” without it sounding narcissist to me. 

All of these feeling that I have towards myself are coupled with the fact that I am dating someone who is not a person to throw compliments around haphazardly like some people might. So trying to look for some sort of gratification or release with regards to my self esteem from my partner is like trying to get blood from a stone, as well as pointless and counter-productive because I feel worse after having tried. 

For the case in point I will give this example. I will state the facts and then I will give my opinion. Please distinguish the facts from my opinion so that you can make your own informed position on this. 

I was looking forward to seeing my boyfriend tomorrow as I hadn’t seen him in two weeks. Now keep in mind we live together in a house with 4 other people and we all have our separate rooms. He has had a large work load the past couple of weeks (maybe months) and I have felt very disconnected from him. We both start back to college this Monday and his workload (as well as mine, especially this semester) will be very heavy again, I give this fact because from my point of view I was hoping we could have these two days before college starts again to hang out, watch tv and get close. I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was coming to the house tomorrow (I did this only to make sure, I had no idea he would say no) and he said “Nope”. I replied with “Oh? When you thinking of coming up?” and he replied with “the week end”. I at this point didn’t want to start anything so I just replied with “cool beans”. There were other measures sent back forth afterwards about Michael Caine and his dislike of communism that he got from fighting in the Vietnam war. At this point I was upset and I wanted to say something about it because I thought if I said something he would respond with “Listen I didn’t know you were looking forward to seeing me of course I’ll head to the house tomorrow”. This of course is unbelievable wishful thinking on my part. I texted him and said “I’m bored” and “I’m melancholy”. He replied with “watch something”. I wanted to say more so I said “Bored and melancholy were the wrong words I should have said a little put down”. He responded with “why?”. I then said “Well I’m gonna be honest with you here I was kinda waiting for Friday to come around because I wanted to see you but it’s only another day or two to wait, I’m just a little down”. He then responded with “I see”. I personally thought he would say more so I waited for 4 minutes (the longest four minutes of my life) and when he responded with nothing I sent him another text saying  “It’s only another two days at most, It’s just that you had said (provisionally) that you’d be back the Friday before we went back so I had this Friday all built up, I’ll have a wank I’ll be fine”. That last part was to convey a bit of light humor and to give him the impression that I’m okay (not knowing what would be said next). He then responded to this with “Okey Dokey”. At this point I physically felt myself getting angry. My heart rate shot up and I was ready to know why he felt that Okey Dokey was sufficient. I tried to Facetime call him and he didn’t respond. I text him saying “Facetime?” and he said “Watching a movie”. I said “When you’re finished?” and he said “It’s not long started”; and then I ended the conversation in what I thought was a clever way that would tell him Fuck You by saying “Okey Dokey”. It has only dawned on me now that he is so unaware and oblivious to how I felt that what happened amounted to me just being angry and upset in a room by myself. 

There are many problems with what happened here. The lack of communication on my part was to blame. I should have said right from the very beginning that I was a little annoyed by him not being here tomorrow. I should have let him know during the week that I was looking forward to seeing him. I will not go into what he should have done save for this point. He has created an environment where I feel embarrassed to show affection for him in ways that I normally wouldn’t have felt embarrassed about. I would no longer send him messages that say “I miss you” as I would have done in the first 6 months of us going out and no longer do 2 years in because he would say “Why?”. And then I would have to explain to him why I missed him which to me is weird. I will leave it at this one point for him, because I feel like I am in no way able to judge what someone should have done save for myself. This one point for him is something that has bothered me before though so this is why I have said it here to get it off my chest. 

(For your own references I have put the exact quotes I have used into Bold to give an idea of the conversation flow. From “Nope” to “Okey Dokey” I did not leave a single message out just to once again show the flow of the conversation.)

I honest to god do feel a little better after having said this. And it is something I will talk to him about when he does get back to the house. I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about how I feel and I shouldn’t hold anything back. 

Tumblr, thank you for listening. 

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ugh fuck. 

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The real me. The hidden thoughts.

Sometimes I’m oh so very sad, but I stop being so sad when I remember even sadness can’t last forever. 

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This blog went downhill. Entities are so not maintained that the entities can’t even be spotted anymore.

How do I feel right now? A question mark doesn’t feel right at the end of that. Regardless. I feel alone. Family do not fill the hole. Friends do not fill the hole. Boyfriend does not fill the hole. I have no future. I am all alone. I am all alone surrounded by people. 

I don’t want to be alone. 

The idea that this feeling might last forever makes me feel anxious; anxious like a box is closing in around me and I’m going to suffocate. 

I would call out for help if I believed anybody was competent enough to help me. But I’ve heard it all before. There is no new idea that can save me. But I will continue on living in spite of it all. I know other people wouldn’t call it ‘living’ but for me thats what it is. 

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I always come to the end of these blog posts feeling a little better than I did when I started. A little calmer. A little less worried. 

And yes I wouldn’t exactly call them blog posts exactly more like just speaking into a cyberspace void. But god yes it does feel like therapy. 

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A Facebook notification just came up on my screen that said I had previous memories to look back on with friends. There might be some irony there but I’d have to look up the definition of irony just to double check and the absolute effort of that escapes me right now. I’ll leave it up to you if you want to investigate further. Look at me being pretentious talking about irony in a blogpost that I had hoped would be me just telling the truth; what a fucking cunt I really am. 

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I really do hate myself. On a level of self loathing I haven’t seen before anywhere at all. I am of the opinion that I am barely able to function academically. That people say hello and talk to me because it will be their ‘good deed of the day’. I owe it to myself to figure out why this is my situation. And what I can do to change. And what I can do to get better. 

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I genuinely do believe that I feel slightly better after writing all that. And the people that I have been avoiding after I had some sort of ‘attack’ have left the kitchen to go their respective bedrooms. So I am going to leave this post now to go and have a slight dinner. Because I’m not really hungry but if I don’t eat now I’ll be hungry at midnight. 

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A feeling.

I left nothing to arrive at nothing, with nothing behind me and nothing in front. 

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No title necessary. Just me.

I literally feel like the worst person in the world right now. Just for this very moment I feel like the worst person in the world right now. I know I’m not but I feel like I am. I could feel better in a minutes time but I don’t know if I will. Nevertheless I will strive forward and keep going. 

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Tomorrow’s another day.

Today felt like it was a failure of a day. 

- I woke up 5 minutes late for my lift to University; and it was my friend giving me a lift as well so I felt bad that she had to wait for me. 

-I got my research proposal back from my tutors and it only got 60%. That’s a 2.1 and I should be happy with it but my usual mark is between 62-64% and it worries me that it has dropped as I don’t want it to drop any further at a time where I could use it going slightly higher than normal. 

- Any interaction with my boyfriend was non-existent or hostile. 

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I am the worst person I know. I fail 70% of the things I attempt; whether they are personal, professional or educational. I drag other people down when I am in a bad mood because I am petty and vindictive. I do these self-demoralizing posts and admissions because I feel on some level they are me atoning for my horribleness but instead it is only meaningless selfishness. 

I am the worst person I know and I hate myself. 

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Entities are not maintained.

Something feels off right now. I can’t put my finger on it but there’s just a film of dissatisfaction on my life right now. 

I hear people laughing when I leave a room. That’s not a good sign. 

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That really really hurt to see. 

Its honest to god like he forgets that he and I as a couple exists sometimes and therefore my feelings don’t come into the equation. He was literally asking other guys to openly send him nudes so that he could rate them. How am I meant to feel about that? Is it any wonder that I feel inadequate when faced with this? The second I saw it I genuinely had to stop myself from crying and I wanted to get sick right away, like a full-on panic attack. And I absolutely dread the conversation that is coming my way about this topic. I love him so much and he’s all I want but I don’t seem to be enough for him. And He keeps telling me that I am but all his actions on this godforsaken piece of shit social-networking-blog-site-thing speak contrary to his words. 

Now after taking about 3 seconds to look at this from a different angle I can see that to him this is just tumblr and its nothing serious and no one really knows each other outside of the internet so its not like these other guys are ever gonna meet him in real life or anything. 

But fuck it it still really hurts to see that shit. And I know his intention is not to hurt me so I shouldn’t be mad at him I should be mad at the situation we’ve found ourselves in. 

I usually write things like this in the heat of the moment and just delete them with the backspace button after I’ve calmed down. And if I do post this I may delete it right after he and I have made up so that I can forget this ever happened and move on. But fuck it I’m so very, very tired of feeling like I’m asking too much of him. And maybe I am asking too much of him. 

I just wanted to cry when I saw it, and I thought maybe that deserved at least a post on a blog that nobody follows and that I use for my own personal writing space. Basically screaming harmlessly into a vacuum where no one can hear it and no one can get hurt by it. 

It hurt because I see him do that and my first thought is:

“I am not enough for him and obviously he needs more than I can give him that is why he has looked for more”. 

The logical and reasonable thing to do when you don’t have enough is to look for more am I correct? 

Please jesus help me for fuck sake. Anyone just help me because here right now I am so alone. 

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Last night I became the antithesis of what I try to be. Conquer the fear in your heart, do not accept it as base line.

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I love my boyfriend so much because he treats me so well. He genuinely cares about how I feel. 

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They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Fonder isn’t the word I would use. 

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I was going to write a few sentences about what just happened and how it made me feel but I won’t. 

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Midnight Madness

I really do feel like an idiot sometimes. I feel like a total loser. I get upset at the smallest of things and I feel like there might be something wrong with me. I don't want to feel like this anymore. But I have to remember that I won't feel like this tomorrow. I might not feel this way in 5 minutes. And now I've just received a text that changed my whole mood. I wish I had the self control to do that to myself. I wish I could control my own emotions. I wish I could create my own happiness. I know it's within my capacity but I don't know how to do it. But I will keep going and I will keep trying. Because I have to. Because that's who I am.