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open-source thoughts in beta

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/search?anxiety

how to let go of things outside of my control how to stop reacting to scenarios in my head how to not worry about micro expressions what is social anxiety how to stop racing thoughts how to tell if im having anxiety does hypervigilence cause anxiety still anxious after breathing exercise why am i afraid of things that havent happened why am i obsessing over nothing workouts for anxiety yoga for anxiety can anxiety be cured does regular meditation help anxiety vitamin deficiency cause anxiety? ocd vs anxiety still anxious after calming down hard to talk when anxious cure anxiety vs panic attack paint by numbers for anxiety tv shows for anxiety movies for anxiety music for anxiety relief

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we won't let you kill the laughter.

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they deny the hatred exists and repeat the hatred verbatim.

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no recess.

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if you were honest about me, i'd still think you're an asshole. but i'd respect you. my turn! you're a fucking loser.

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sit in one place, i dare you.

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i was invited to a costume party. it's tomorrow night. haven't been around a crowd in 7 months. and i don't like my costume. i'm irritated. it used to be easy. arrive a bit late. finish my smoke outside. pull shoulders back. flip hair. smile a bit. search for familiar faces. introduce myself to new ones. stay sober like i always do. another smoke. chat with the patio people. go back inside. watch people get hammered. dance a while. another smoke. hide in the bathroom. one more dance. head home. i used to like that routine. i'm irritated. i don't like my costume. took a long time to pick it out, too. it fits fine. but it just feels weird. will i like it tomorrow? try to find a new one? wear the one i've got?

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being the 'bigger person' is heavy. and it will suck for a while. "if everyone knew how awful so-and-so is..." i told myself every hour, on the hour, for months, "... they'd get what they fucking deserve." the helplessness swallowed me whole some days. other days, i was obsessed with the fantasies of their awful karma catching up. "but doing nothing is the best thing..." "i'm sooo glad so-and-so is out of my life..." "honestly, it's whatever..." these phrases were bandaids. but i kept repeating them. until i had the realization. i can let it hurt. i should let it hurt. so, i moved on. it gets lighter, you know?

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and after lots of therapy, i've had to accept that i attract shitty people. i don't feel bitter. i truly love people. getting to know someone is a pleasure. i enjoy caring. but i don't understand why people, in general, betray. and i definitely don't understand why the people in my life betrayed me. the professionals and the woo-woo gurus all say that the bad friends are 'self-sabotaging' or 'complete narcissists' or somewhere in between. and maybe that's also true. but those explanations don't satisfy my curiosity. it doesn't feel good to betray, to hurt, to lie even a little bit - at least for me. did these people enjoy doing it to me? do shitty people truly feel good when they hurt others?