its been this way about a month a month of not calling myself worthless a month of not being terrified that people will find out what really turned me on and terrified that those turn on would continue to evolve becase it was a trajectory i couldn;t imagine and was powerless to stop.
i don;t know if the quality got wose or the rules kept me level headed or what changed but i was realy getting to the point where i even thought i was going to be abe to use occiasionaly without begging strangers to claim ownership of me I even felt slightly better and public and stopped yearning for an undisclosed basement
i started thining about how i might proceed and even though it was always with a great deal of caution i found myself beginign to realze that perhaps i was wrong about what i was and maybe i was premature in my proclamation that meth had one and i was devoting the rest of my life to it . I could even smoke a bowl for focus without those weird perverted feeligs People stopped blocking me halfway thorugh our chats . I stopped listening to hypno files.a
I don't know if it was bad stuff or if tonight i wasnt paying attention but for the firt time in over a month as i smoked a bowl i felt myself drift off and then suddenly kond of all at once reaized that i am very close to completly abandoning this new path, these new values and budding self esteem. I can feel the other me, the one i thought had complete control , i feel him creeping in. in a wave of wonderful meth fueled confusion i think it wouldnt take much more than a bowl to push me not competely back to that place when i knew i was just a pathtetic faggot, but far enough that the cascade would begin, i woud choose meth over sleep and begin one ofthe benders that famously destroyed my life, and each time i go throught his transitionion it taks a stronger and more invincible hold on me.
And I know it may sound from this post that i sound like there is a direction i hope or want to take. But the crazy part is even though I am well aware of the stakes, i really dont know what i want to do.
go to sleep and protect my progress or keep smoking even though it likely will be my final undoing, I know what i should I want to, but there is this voice in my head that is telling me that my final undoing is something I have been searching for for a long time, and if it ever happens, I will realize that it truly is exactly what I need.
I know this was super personal, but it was easy to write because I have no social media presence and I know no one will read it.
