E

I don't blog when I'm happy.

[eriiiicka]

The feeling of not worthy of an explanation is something that I really can't handle. And I felt it again after 4 years. Yes, not everything and everyone is supposed to have a reason. But atleast let me know? Not just change the way they'd treat me. It sucks. It's either you're gonna talk to me or not at all. Blocked.

[eriiiicka]

hi i’m back! (?)

[eriiiicka]

Dubai Life Recap

I feel like I've been nailing the soc-med pretend game for the past year or so. And it's true that you kinda lose the interest of keeping up something virtually when you start living a real life.

May of 2019 when I decided to take the big leap and find my luck in a foreign land.

Flew out on July 11 to be exact. Landed a job 19 days after with the fear of not having my documents processed before my visa expires. It was a decent company but I wasn't happy. I was vibing the same vibe in my prev company- I won't grow. But then I have to take responsibility for my decision. Just 1 contract I said to myself.

One month after, I got an unexpected call from a big company. I was at awe. I didn't know what to do. I had to be very careful. Did the interview a week after. The hiring process is very crucial at this point because my current employer then was about to issue my working visa and I had to delay it without them knowing. Gotta play it safe.

September 23, I got hired! It's a dream company for me. Office is located in one of the business districts. Salary is beyond my expectation. And I get to do what I want to do. It felt like I am in the company He planned out for me. Yes it's exhausting. Long hours even on regular days and loooonger hours during month end. But it's fulfilling. Everyday I get to learn new things. I feel the excitement even though I know it'll drain my energy. I guess that's how you're supposed to feel when you're passionate with what you are doing. I get tired. Or exhausted. Burnout maybe but I love what I am doing.

Fast forward to today, April 20, I am back to square one. Looking for another job in the middle of a pandemic crisis where my city is on a total lockdown and nothing is operating except the usual vital sectors. I know you didn't expect this post to go this way but it is what it is. I am part of the 65% who got redundant because of this crap that's happening.

[eriiiicka]

As someone who grew without a father figure and with a brother who isn't showy at all, I never had the experience of being treated as a "princess". Maybe the other reason why I became "not the girly" type. Of being independent. Which I don't have a problem. But sometimes when hormones want to piss me off, I feel like longing for such feeling. And with the halaman day err vday that passed, there's this split second of me wishing when will I experience being spoiled even just for a day. Scrap the practicality sht. It's in every girl's dream.

[eriiiicka]

You didn't take my freedom away. You let me do the things I wanna do while making sure that I feel secured. To you, I was never intimidating. You've never taken my strong personality as some excuse not to pursue me. You set your priorities right and never once made me feel bad for making me not the number one, heck not even second. And I appreciate you for that. For you know what has to be set first.

Love, I'm starting to see the man you want to become. Yes, far from your goal but a progress is a progress. From that boy who has no plans to this young man who wants to build his future. I see you as someone who still hasn't figure it out (like anyone else) but is willing to take risks and go out of his comfort zone. Thank you so much for loving yourself that you are now capable of loving others more- of loving me. Thank you for being my right brain (or left) whenever I tend to be carried away by my emotions. Thank you for being the logical if yes, if no IT boyfriend whenever your skeptic over analyzer accountant girlfriend is throwing some tantrums. Thank you for being a responsible son that you are. That trait of yours makes me feel so secured of how much a responsible provider you're gonna be to our future family.

I feel like my emotions are 1000x stronger and more unexplainable on this special day that I cannot think of anymore words to write. You taught me that one simple hug could fill those in and how I wish I could do that right now. I don't wanna end this on a sad note. Always know that "us" is what keeps me sane. I can't wait to be with you again, my love.

Happy Anniversary. I love you.

[eriiiicka]

151.3827.24

Nag-ipon. Sumugal. Nabigo.

Simula na ng unang kalahati ng taon pero pakiramdam ko nasayang yung nakaraang limang buwan. Nag-ipon ng lakas ng loob. Sobrang tagal na ipunan. May mga panahong gusto ng umayaw at ipagpatuloy ang nasimulan. Kasi pwede naman. Bakit hindi. Pero may kulang.

Madaming dahilan para ipagpaliban pero mas piniling sumugal. Sumugal kahit na kapalit ay di kasiguraduhan. Sumugal kahit mas lamang ang hindi pabor na kahihinatnan. Patuloy na sumusugal kahit madalas pagluha na lang ang kayang ipanlaban.

Nabigo. Oo, nabigo sa mata ng iilan. Mahirap pala talaga yung pakiramdam na gusto mong magpaliwanag para kahit pano maibsan ang sakit. Pero bakit pa? Hindi naman nito mababago ang nangyari na. Hindi nito mababago na mas tumibay ang puso ko. Nabugbog pero kaya pala. Nasugatan. Umiyak. Pero may buhay. May hininga.

Nag-ipon. Sumugal. Nabigo. Pero hindi natalo.

[eriiiicka]

And then I suddenly stopped blogging again. Halfheartedly missing it tho. All the hugot, drama and whatnot. I missed the feeling of conveying my thoughts. Of making strangers feel what I felt through my words. (lol as if?) Just writing, in general. Cos ya girl's heart is happily taken and doesn't know how to transition her writings. Sorry? Hehe

[maorisakai-website]

[eriiiicka]

Sabi ni google mayron daw 7 stages of acceptance. Minsan 5 kung malakas ka. Yung sakin kasi hindi ko na binilang basta ang alam ko lang nasaktan ako. Akala ko pagkatapos ng forgiveness, okay na. Hindi pa pala. Healed? Oo. Pero yung maniwala ulit? Ibang usapan yon.

Dun mo lang pala malalaman yung lala ng aftermath ng ginawa sayo kapag willing ka naman magtiwala pero sa di maipaliwanag na dahilan eh hindi mo magawa. May marinig ka lang na salita, bumabalik lahat ng pakiramdam na pagluha lang ang tanging paraan para gumaan kahit paano. Parang tanga lang na okay ka naman pero may triggering point talaga na bigla ka na lang sasampalin at ipapaalala na maraming gago sa mundo.

Yung isip ko ngayon kung hindi nagffastforward, flashback naman ang trip. Ang daming salita na nagbubuhol-buhol sa isipan pero ito lang ang isa sa iilang malinaw.

Sana. Sana lang wag kang mapagod kasi sinusubukan ko naman.

[eriiiicka]

mise à jour de la vie

I know I don’t talk much about my personal life in here. Prolly cos it came to a point where I’m not doing anything interesting anymore. More likely, it became just a routine.

But this year’s been beyond my expectation! Here we go in bullets. 

I was able to climb 6 mountains (all of them were twin hikes)

Got to celebrate my birthday on my dream island.

Accumulated more than enough tan that could last for a year. (Yup. Too much beach but I don’t regret ‘em anyway)

Watched multiple concerts. Yay!

Included running as my weekly activity.

Learned how to stick with my decision.

Tried meeting different people and went out as much as I could.

Earning pretty decently. (fight for your right lol)

Became more vocal of what I’m feeling. (ew)

Moved on.

Guess that’s a big improvement? Will try to keep doing things that would free my soul. High five, self.

[eriiiicka]

Ang torture lang kumilos knowing may expiration din ang lahat. Palaging may pabulong na tanong kung magpapadala na lang ba sa agos o pigilan ang sarili kasi baka masanay. Baka masanay na pwede pala. Palaging may inner battle kung sasabihin ko ba o sasarilinin na lang kasi bakit pa? Wala namang magbabago na. Palaging may bumabagabag. Malinaw ang plano pero malabo kung paano.

Tanong lang, tunay bang sukatan ng tapang ang paglisan ng walang paalam? 

[eriiiicka]

Wala sa hulog ‘tong post na ‘to pero gusto ko lang ilabas. One time I was having a convo with my brother.

E: Pag-ibig (gov’t) mo di ko aayusin?

J:  May Keli na ako. Problemahin mo yang sa’yo.

Meh. Pero oo, minsan nakakagago, minsan kalma lang. Madalas wala na talaga akong pake.

The brother’s in an LDR for 2 yrs now and didn’t imagine I’d be his personal wingman! Seeing him how he handles his relationship, grabe lang. Sobrang goals. Alam mong secured ka, yung legit na pang-long term. I, myself, isn’t fond of long distance relationships. Sobrang di ko kaya i-grasp yung idea na yon. Weak eh. Pero kung malalagay man ako sa ganong situation, sana makakilala ako ng kapareho ng kuya ko. I’ve never set him as my standard pero reality check? Katulad niya pala yung pinagdadasal ko tuwing gabi. Ang cheesy nito pero lately ko lang din narealize. Iba din pala kapag may living example na nagpapakita kung pano magmahal at mag-alaga ng babae. 

Posible pala.

[eriiiicka]

For someone who’s been alone for the longest time, it really is a struggle to open up even the tiniest bit. And when you finally tried, feelings get mixed up. Regret. Relief. Reluctance. I had to muster a lot of strength not to breakdown even though I badly want to. See? It is something incomprehensible that even I, don’t understand. 

[avrilavigne]

The ‘Head Above Water’ music video is here! 

[eriiiicka]

It is true that songs have this power of making you feel things and blur out everything else. And this one’s my magical song. This will always have a special place in my heart. 

You will always be.

[thelovejournals]

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…

Gilbert, Elizabeth. Eat, Pray, Love. (via wordsnquotes)

[cwote]

“Go and love someone exactly as they are. then, watch how they transform into the greatest truest version of themselves. when one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”

— Wes Angelozzi (via onlinecounsellingcollege)