Akatsuki but ranked by your willingness to accept a lift from them
I started to answer this as if everyone had a car, but then I decided. No. Boring. CANON COMPATIBLE RIDES ONLY.
(from most willing to least)
1. Konan. Konan can craft wings from paper and fucking FLY. This is the only way to travel. Bonus: Konan cradling you in her arms as she flies you somewhere. I don’t care if she crushes me.
2. Kisame. Kisame’s ride is probably a boat. I like boats. He’s easy to get along with and relatively unlikely to do something reckless like drive straight into a storm or trying to ram his boat into another boat. Captain Hoshigaki. Christ. Let’s toss chum in the water and see if sharks come. I’ve forgotten where we’re going.
3. Zetsu. Zetsu grabs your arm and teleports you through the ground or whatever the hell his technique is. It’s disorienting but providing Zetsu doesn’t cannibalize you, not the worst way to travel. A solid 5/10.
4. Nagato. Nagato has multiple means of transportation at his finger tips, including giant animal summons and turning into a robot. I don’t know what you’d have to do to get the leader of Akatsuki to agree to give you a ride, but I assume if he agreed, he’d be at least somewhat invested in your well-being. Imagine showing up at your doctor’s appointment on the back of a giant man-eating bird.
5. Kakuzu. Kakuzu flings you over his shoulder and zooms off into the trees. Either he’s recognized you as having a bounty on your head or you’ve bribed him into taking you somewhere. Either way, he is not gentle. You WILL arrive at your destination with bruises. If you tip him, you can take a bathroom and water break. This is true if he’s taking you in for your bounty or you’re paying him for transport. :)
6. Itachi. Itachi is ranked low because he doesn’t have his own ride. You have to walk with him until you find someone else with a horse or a cart and then Itachi will commit highway robbery for you and genjutsu them into escorting you. It is very inefficient. For very short distances, he can carry you, but his stamina isn’t very good so you might as well pay Kakuzu for worse company but a more reliable service.
7. Hidan. You’re walking along the road, thumb out, hoping a caravan will stop. A man pulls up on a mule-drawn cart. He is shirtless. HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS, he asks. GET IN AND I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT GOD. You’re hesitant but your feet hurt. You climb on. There’s an awful smell like piss from the bundle in the cart. The mule trundles along. The shirtless man tells you fervently about god. The bundle in the cart is moving. The man screams profanities at it and then goes back to earnestly lecturing you on the divinity of suffering. You smile and nod along. You stop for lunch and you offer the shirtless man some of your food in payment. I KNEW YOU WERE DIFFERENT, he says, shoves your food in his mouth, and then drags an old man out from the cart and ritualistically sacrifices him. You arrive at your destination five hours behind schedule and having pledged your soul to a pagan god.
8. Sasori. Sasori probably has an entire array of puppets that could comfortably take you anywhere, but unfortunately Sasori is not moved by anything but his own art. It doesn’t matter where he agreed to take you– you inevitably end up in a cave being skinned alive while Sasori murmurs to you about eternal beauty.
10. Deidara. Remember how I was impressed with Konan crafting her own wings form paper? I’m equally impressed with Deidara making a bird capable of carrying passengers out of CLAY. It’s a real feat of engineering and you should absolutely not get on this bird. You will fall off and die and Deidara will laugh at you. Even if you’ve coaxed him into actively avoiding letting you fall, there’s a 100% chance of explosions. There is a 0% chance you end up at your actual destination. You get to where Deidara wants to leave you and it’s not even the right day. Your eyebrows have been burnt off, two fingers are missing, your possessions went missing, and that’s the good scenario. Don’t ask Deidara for a lift.
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
stormborns
annaxmalina
jbbartram-illu
theartofmadeline
turnnoffyourmind
kianamaiart
