After spending, about an hour, writing the caption for this post, I spent a further hour debating whether or not to post it. I've bitten the bullet. Not for sympathy or pity or attention. But because I need people to know. Here goes. I've been struggling for a while now. However long you think that is - no. Longer than that. I'm exhausted. Before I even started, I'm tired and in the past 3 weeks I've passed my driving test, bought a car, and driven in a car by myself for the first time. I've applied for a job, had an interview for that job and learnt I didn't get that job. The weekends weren't restful either: family, small children, garage clear outs etc. I'm exhausted. All the while, the irrational, anxious, depressed voice in my head has been screaming (think pterodactyl screams if you want an audio reference) at a volume level of 90. The rational side of my brain has been fighting valiantly though redundently at a volume level of 10. I'm exhausted. My coping mechanism is avoidance. I ignore my thoughts during the day in order to not let them overwhelm me. This only makes things worse when I finally let myself think. But it's the only way I can get through the day. I'm exhausted. Instead of coming straight home from work and sleeping, I went food shopping, bought vegetables not junk food, put that food away and cooked myself an actual meal. I struggled through every step. I'm exhausted. I feel better for having struggled through the food shop and cooking. Self care. It's the small things really. I'm still fucking exhausted.
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