echoes of myself @erxhg - Tumblr Blog

I’m in a period of relapse where I’m done with everyone. I’m done. Done. Done. Please just stay away.

Almond Blossom by Vincent van Gogh

"You're right next to me, but you're a long way from home."

Okay so when I say I have two weeks left, I don’t think people really understand what I mean when I say I have two weeks left. I haven’t planned much for my trip because I’ve been so busy this summer constantly working while also suppressing the fact that my trip is happening. Two weeks left. Questions like, “oh so when are you free?” or for example, when the mom of the boy I tutor asks me, “so can you still tutor the week before you leave?” and is disappointed when I say no: it all stresses me the fuck out. I’m on the verge of a break down. Look, look. I’m making the biggest decision I’ve made in my entire twenty years of living. I haven’t packed, planned, gotten money exchanged, or had a moment to reflect on my upcoming reality. I haven’t had a moment. I still need to finish my poetry project of the summer.

It bothers me more… when people only see my trip in terms of their own benefit. I’ve had things said to me like, “oh you’ll be back before you even know it. Three months isn’t long.” Like why are you measuring one of the most fundamental journeys for my self growth in terms of when I’ll return back into your life? Yeah it’s not long, I guess, but don’t shut down three months as nothing when it’s supposed to be EVERYTHING to me. “I hope to be a new person when you come back.” Okay. So my trip is only as important as my presence in your life, a period for your self growth too. Or when the mom for the boy I tutor says, “so when can you tutor when you come back.” Or when people say, “so are you still gonna talk to me or…” It makes me so sad. My trip is just so much more to me, my heart and soul are set on it. My ties with people are draining me out. My trip is not how much I can keep in contact with you, how much I’m still available to you, how much of an ache it’ll be for you when I’m gone, or a measurement of how long I can be of use to you again. It’s my own opportunity of a life time to grow and explore my own self, to be in a new place for the first time - all the more... please understand.

impending doom of these next two weeks is eating me alive tbh

starting to withdraw from the entire universe

fairytales-arent-real-here

also during these moments I tend to unrealistically reject the entire world around me.

it is always struggle in loneliness that I feel.

in these moments when I'm drastically worn out or tired I suddenly realize that at the end of the day no one actually understands me because there's no one who feels right to run to.

in the most tired moments of my life I do wish I had someone to run to, and I will call this the weakness of my human condition. I can't help my need for others. I wish I could be there for myself during these times but I wish I just had some arms to cry in right now and someone to hug but at the same time it can't be just anyone it pretty much has to be my soul mate hahaha

Hide from who though?

from ppl who don't give a shit and are here to exploit my vulnerability or satisfy their ill-intended curiosity.

stress crying in my car atm for like 30 mins after a long day ah yesssssss.

There's not enough time in a day but to say, after a year, that you didn't have enough time to do the things you want to do is absurd so I really gotta figure this out

I can't keep up with my own life right now holy crap

How come you made your likes unviewable?

gotta keep my kinks a secret obvi.

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echoes of myself