Scratch That

This is where I vent. Goodbye now.

[es-capp-ey]

Are we better bc we’re better?

or bc I’ve stopped looking?

are we better bc you’re better?

or bc I’ve accepted that this is the most I’ll get. are we better bc something changed?

or bc I’m afraid nothing ever will?

Are we better bc I’m trapped and my brain told me it’s all for the best?

[es-capp-ey]

There is something so good about the way I feel when I have you like that. Something that once felt so vulnerable, now makes me feel powerful. and yet what I once felt so comfortable with now feels so incredibly vulnerable. and im reminded of it constantly fuxk you for what you did to me.

[es-capp-ey]

lips

You kiss me deeply, in a way that feels reminiscent of the yearning stages of our love

when you break away, you brush my lips with your thumb “where did you get these lips” you whisper

I giggle, remembering where you are “somewhere in this village, I’m sure”

“no one in your family has lips like yours” you say, touching them again. I press mine to you hard, surprised at the comment, at the attention. “they must’ve been made just for you then” I whisper back.

[es-capp-ey]

how do you love me?

It’s a simple fucking question. How. Do. You. Show. Me. Love??

if you don’t know, then you’re not showing me love.

[es-capp-ey]

dwindling

It’s dwindling before my eyes

and the fight is slipping from me

the desire to accept

and find contentment in other facets of my life

is so strong;

women don’t benefit from marriage

the same way men do

so who am I to try and even the tides

I will always be second

to you.

you—whose needs come first

you—who never learned to apologize

you—who tolerate me at best

[es-capp-ey]

this year

has cracked me

split me into pieces

spilled my soft insides onto the ground

and im scooping and scooping

but i cant pick it all back up

and even if i do

i have nothing to keep it together

nothing to keep me safe

or whole

[es-capp-ey]

a stranger asked me why

and I froze

do I tell you all the real reasons

do I make an excuse

what a thing to ask a woman

about her fears

[es-capp-ey]

I think deep down

I would want another

but doing it again with you

would be repeating a painful mistake

I know better

I have to remember that

[es-capp-ey]

there’s too much life to live. never enough. but so so much.

maybe too much

like the ocean on the horizon-

know it ends,

you know what’s on the other side but it just feels too far away

I have never understood the desire to jump ship earlier than your destination

until this year. when the journey seems too long

too rough

I understand why ppl jump

[es-capp-ey]

I’ve tried taking a few steps back

Not trying as hard

not caring as much

not being AS invested

and yet here I am,

crying into a pillow

because your gaze

couldn’t be kept on me. I don’t know how to do this with you

I don’t how to travel with you

visit beaches

attend weddings

go new places

Hell, I can’t take you a toddler birthday party.

I hate how vulnerable you make me feel

how insecure

You make me promises at 15

that I naively trusted

only for me to get a fuckifn wake up call at my big age.

[es-capp-ey]

dream kisses, wet wishes

you roll towards me in your sleep and then you hold my face firmly and kiss my lips with an intensity that shoots electricity straight between my legs

“love you” you whisper sleepily. “Sir” i breathe out, kissing you deeply again, lips and teeth and heat

we break apart, my skin tingling

and you roll over and fall asleep,

leaving me with heat between my legs

[es-capp-ey]

another horcrux

And I cannot wait.

[es-capp-ey]

soul ache

There is an ache so deep

that perhaps only death will cure it.

[es-capp-ey]

engaged

All i want is engagement. How do i engage someone

who does not want to be engaged?

how do i feel enough

when i am not worthy of your engagement?

how do i [help] fix people

when i feel like a fraud?

How can i teach happiness

when i have yet to find it?

[es-capp-ey]

the insecurities creep in-

An itch

im afraid to scratch

but i cant seem to help myself

And now im bare and exposed

skin raw and red

[es-capp-ey]

i get the appeal

of living out at sea

sailing away from your problems

and living at the power of the ocean

i get the appeal

Of leaving it all to something so random

so powerful

[es-capp-ey]

feeling like I’m not enough

at this big age

after an advanced degree

a marriage of nearly a decade

a child

is so crazy